Good day to you all.I don't know where to begin today on the way I feel or think. First of I like to say to Martin. "Martin you might not be an alcoholic or have done the 12 steps but I appreciate your words of wisdom and your advice and I gain a lot of strength and insight from the things you have to say.I value you your opinion and your honesty. and feel free to say what you want to me "That been said I will continue with my need to vent here today.This is definitely NOT one of my better days.Am I on a self pity trip? Maybe but aren't we suppose to be honest with our feelings.? Isn't that part of our recovery to express our emotions? I could get on here and say I am happy and feeling great but that would be a lie to all of you and to me. I have been sober for 7 weeks today and instead of feeling happy and contented I am feeling angry,sad and just plain ticked off at the world. I want to drink so bad I can smell it and taste it. Am I in a bad mood because I want to drink or do I want to drink because I am in a bad mood. I don't know. I feel confused and lost . I feel like crap and all I want is some understanding. I've been told I've been selfish and to just break out of it,think positive and pray. I feel like I don't have the energy to fight the urge to drink, to try and be in a good mood and to pray all at the same time. I feel tired. I am tired of doing everything for everyone else.I am tired of putting on a happy face when I just don't feel up to it. If I am having a bad day I believe I am entitled to it. As for the 12 steps I don't know if that is the right way for me to stay sober. I tend to over analyze things and the 12 steps are no exception. As for step 3 if I hand my will and my life over to God then what is the need for the serenity prayer or any other one for that matter. Wouldn't every thing that transpires be of God's will? So what is the point in praying if the will of God is already put in place.And as for step 4 isn't that a sort of self pity trip down memory lane? There is one person on that resentment list that I have NO intention of ever forgiving . Believe me I have tried to be a "good" christen and do so and to even ask to take away the resentment but the words stuck in my throat as if someone was choking me. By even doing that I felt like I was betraying my daughter.,which made me feel angry and bitter. I also ask myself if this was God's will ?, the pain the anguish,the turmoil that have become a part of our daily lives.I know I have anger issues and that is something I am working on in therapy . It's not that I DON'T want to let go I CAN'T let go. and I hate it when people say to me that I want to hang on to my misery. It can't be let go because we as a family have to deal with it EVERY day. For every hour ,every minute and every second I see my daughter hurt I resent more and more. Now the court case will be coming up in March. we have to face all that. So how can one let go and find peace. I know I have to be in court at some point and hear and listen and relive what happened to my daughter. All the gory details of the whole sordid ugly affair. I worry about it and I worry if she is strong enough to deal with it. If that is a self pity trip then so be it. It can't be ignored and I am tired of keeping everything inside just to appease other people who just don't understand what it's like. I think for the most part people want to see a happy face because then THEY don't have to deal with someone elses problems. Makes for a more pleasant atmosphere for them. I know my anger is showing through here today and I know I probably said things that will irk some people but that is the way I feel for TODAY.maybe tomorrow will be different who knows. I apologize if I have said anything that offended anyone that was not my intention but I needed to vent and I thank you all for taking the time to read my post. God bless and be safe and you all have a good day.once again Thanks
It's ok to have a bad day, Pirate, just don't drink over it. What can you do to take your mind off booze? Try to stay busy, hon. Drinking will just make your day worse. The guilt and remorse after a run just aren't worth it.
Hi pirate, I really appreciate your thoughts. We all need a little bit of acceptance, don't we....and you will get that here pirate, I'm sure of that. Just look at the support everyone wants to give you. I'll say it's good to vent because it worked/works for me, others might feel different things work for them. I also know there's a time when I became addicted to venting (some will say I'm not over it!)...lol...but it's a heck of a lot less damaging than alcohol so hey......the critical thing, the crucial thing, the vital thing is that the healthy, honest, wholesome, life affirming shining spirit that is you shines through and makes that healthy choice, when to vent and when to move on. And you are making healthy choices....you're reaching out and posting here and that's great.
A few months ago one of the Samaritans broke one of their rules and told me to go to the doctor. As my counsellor told me the same thing I recognised things were pretty grim. Probably something to do with me telling them part of me wanted me punished, tortured and dead lol....from the pit of my soul...this hatred wanted me dead.....anyway, I went and the dcotor gave me antidepressants. In the end I didn't take them because I KNEW that the fact I'd GONE to the doctor meant I wanted to get well.....that dark voice didn't have the driving seat and me going to the doctor's let me know he wasn't going to get into it any time soon......my point?
You're posting here. You're not drinking. You made a choice to tell your friends about your pain and to reach out for understanding and love and support and you'll get it. But even more importantly, far more importantly than that, in posting here you're telling yourself that despite all the horrible stuff you're splashing through right now YOU WANT TO STAY SOBER AND GET WELL AND HAPPY.....that's cause of celebration pirate, AGAIN you've made a good choice. Brilliant.
I'll repost here what I posted earlier to someone today because there is no such things as coincidence :
Life is throwing some difficult stuff your way and you'd have to be super-human not to be feeling some anxiety or fear......I know that whenever my emotions start to get "difficult" I feel an urgent need at the very border of my consciousness.....something urging me to quickly quell these emotions before......before what? It's too far beyond my consciousness for me to know......but the great thing is that this experience is teaching me to recognise these urges. They used to be completely outside of my consciousness and I'd react by drinking or arguing or some other unhealthy, unconscious action....do anything to obey the urges to run away (sometimes almost literally) from whatever was disturbing....and what's more, I've JUST realised, writing (this), that I'd 'blame' the feelings on what was gonig on at the time, perhaps a conversation with my ex....perhaps her bringing beer into the house, perhaps finding speed.....sure, there might be an appropriate emotional response to those things under the circumstances BUT they also triggered this other stuff and so my reaction to her was no more "sane" and "in the moment" or belonging to the "here and now" than is her addiction......
..... your hard work and courage have earned you the knowledge that you can respond to difficult emotions in a variety of ways....go for a walk, read a book, listen to music, post on this board, solve the Middle East crisis (I did that 5 times a day)....work, write poetry, paint.....go for a run, wash the dishes.....clean the house.....call a friend....call the samaritans (do you have them where you are?).....watch TV.........now I've been addicted to some of THOSE things too, but hey, I've not reached Nirvana yet.....it's a journey and they're healthier and easier to kick than alcohol....
You've EARNED the right to a good life and you know it. You were always entitled to one but hey, you actually put yourself in a place where you were giving it away and then you EARNED it back......you show off....hehehe
Take good care of yourself pirate, you absolutely deserve it. Some of what you feel is about what is coming up, some of it belongs in the past.....you can't change it and it doesn't help you or your daughter to re-live it.....do something distracting.....something to celebrate your life and your daughter and your love that conquers all.
You'll know when you need to do something different....and my guess is you KNOW you never need to drink.
A few months ago one of the Samaritans broke one of their rules and told me to go to the doctor. As my counsellor told me the same thing I recognised things were pretty grim. Probably something to do with me telling them part of me wanted me punished, tortured and dead lol....from the pit of my soul...this hatred wanted me dead.....anyway, I went and the dcotor gave me antidepressants. In the end I didn't take them because I KNEW that the fact I'd GONE to the doctor meant I wanted to get well.....that dark voice didn't have the driving seat and me going to the doctor's let me know he wasn't going to get into it any time soon......my point?
You're posting here. You're not drinking. You made a choice to tell your friends about your pain and to reach out for understanding and love and support and you'll get it. But even more importantly, far more importantly than that, in posting here you're telling yourself that despite all the horrible stuff you're splashing through right now YOU WANT TO STAY SOBER AND GET WELL AND HAPPY.....that's cause of celebration pirate, AGAIN you've made a good choice. Brilliant.
I'll repost here what I posted earlier to someone today because there is no such things as coincidence :
Life is throwing some difficult stuff your way and you'd have to be super-human not to be feeling some anxiety or fear......I know that whenever my emotions start to get "difficult" I feel an urgent need at the very border of my consciousness.....something urging me to quickly quell these emotions before......before what? It's too far beyond my consciousness for me to know......but the great thing is that this experience is teaching me to recognise these urges. They used to be completely outside of my consciousness and I'd react by drinking or arguing or some other unhealthy, unconscious action....do anything to obey the urges to run away (sometimes almost literally) from whatever was disturbing....and what's more, I've JUST realised, writing (this), that I'd 'blame' the feelings on what was gonig on at the time, perhaps a conversation with my ex....perhaps her bringing beer into the house, perhaps finding speed.....sure, there might be an appropriate emotional response to those things under the circumstances BUT they also triggered this other stuff and so my reaction to her was no more "sane" and "in the moment" or belonging to the "here and now" than is her addiction......
..... your hard work and courage have earned you the knowledge that you can respond to difficult emotions in a variety of ways....go for a walk, read a book, listen to music, post on this board, solve the Middle East crisis (I did that 5 times a day)....work, write poetry, paint.....go for a run, wash the dishes.....clean the house.....call a friend....call the samaritans (do you have them where you are?).....watch TV.........now I've been addicted to some of THOSE things too, but hey, I've not reached Nirvana yet.....it's a journey and they're healthier and easier to kick than alcohol....
You've EARNED the right to a good life and you know it. You were always entitled to one but hey, you actually put yourself in a place where you were giving it away and then you EARNED it back......you show off....hehehe
Take good care of yourself pirate, you absolutely deserve it. Some of what you feel is about what is coming up, some of it belongs in the past.....you can't change it and it doesn't help you or your daughter to re-live it.....do something distracting.....something to celebrate your life and your daughter and your love that conquers all.
You'll know when you need to do something different....and my guess is you KNOW you never need to drink.
Hi Pirate,
I can empathise with you because I am going through a crap time at the moment also. One thing is different though, from when I first got sober and that is, I seem to be allowing the negative emotions.
We seem as a society to be taught that postive is good, negative is bad, so if you are being negative, that implies that you are being bad and so you beat yourself up even more. Why does negativity exist if we are not meant to feel it?
It also generally turns out that from the negativity, comes growth. I seem to be seeing this alot lately. I have a hard time over something, but come out the other side with a jewel of wisdom that helps me live my life even better than before and heal a part of my life that is damaged. So, I don't think you should allow the pressure of trying to be ok. I did that for so many years and all it did was hurt me massively. It is ok to not feel fine. It is ok to tell others you don't feel fine.
You are going through a lot of confusion and questioning at the moment. With time you will gain more clarity on your life. You have only been sober a short time so are having to learn life a new way and it isn't easy. As long as you hold that determination to stay sober which has to be the number one priority, or else everything else will go tits up, then you can deal with everything that is going on in your life. No, it isn't easy, but drinking is not an option. You know that, but of course the desire is still there in you. Again, with time, you will deal with everything that is going on, but the desire to drink won't be there. It makes dealing with life easier for sure, because that hell bent on destruction attitude isn't there, just a will to live well and healthily. How great is that, even when things do seem like a nightmare!!?
I can empathise with you because I am going through a crap time at the moment also. One thing is different though, from when I first got sober and that is, I seem to be allowing the negative emotions.
We seem as a society to be taught that postive is good, negative is bad, so if you are being negative, that implies that you are being bad and so you beat yourself up even more. Why does negativity exist if we are not meant to feel it?
It also generally turns out that from the negativity, comes growth. I seem to be seeing this alot lately. I have a hard time over something, but come out the other side with a jewel of wisdom that helps me live my life even better than before and heal a part of my life that is damaged. So, I don't think you should allow the pressure of trying to be ok. I did that for so many years and all it did was hurt me massively. It is ok to not feel fine. It is ok to tell others you don't feel fine.
You are going through a lot of confusion and questioning at the moment. With time you will gain more clarity on your life. You have only been sober a short time so are having to learn life a new way and it isn't easy. As long as you hold that determination to stay sober which has to be the number one priority, or else everything else will go tits up, then you can deal with everything that is going on in your life. No, it isn't easy, but drinking is not an option. You know that, but of course the desire is still there in you. Again, with time, you will deal with everything that is going on, but the desire to drink won't be there. It makes dealing with life easier for sure, because that hell bent on destruction attitude isn't there, just a will to live well and healthily. How great is that, even when things do seem like a nightmare!!?
Hi Pirate,
I spent a little over an hour typing you an e-mail. Poof it was gone. Internet shut down. Darn't I don't type fast. I'm not even thinking fast. I will try later to send a new one off later. I'm having one of the worst f **, s** days to. I havn't thought of drink like this in a while. Been crying all morning off and on. Still in my jama's, now eating. I don't know about me, today. Just want to say f *** it all. Trying to engage my rational part of mind, before the sub - conscious wins. I thought of buying a half a gallon of vodka driving to the beach waiting for the tide to go out. Then going into a cave drinking the whole thing, taking some pills, waiting for the ocean to come back in and drown me. Will I ever be good enough? I would like to write more, but I'm hijacking your thread now. I need to get out of myself. Go congratulate people, if I can so properly. Go shower, go cry some more. I really need to drop to my knees and get Jesus involved the only one who can take my pain. Nail my alcohol to the cross bury it there. F****< MORE F****, Just plain S*** Martin, you may have not been able to help your ex. Know that you help me and other alcoholic's. I pray someday your ex. will hear you. I think that's why you come to this board. I think it helps you to. I appreciate you! Thankyou!
I spent a little over an hour typing you an e-mail. Poof it was gone. Internet shut down. Darn't I don't type fast. I'm not even thinking fast. I will try later to send a new one off later. I'm having one of the worst f **, s** days to. I havn't thought of drink like this in a while. Been crying all morning off and on. Still in my jama's, now eating. I don't know about me, today. Just want to say f *** it all. Trying to engage my rational part of mind, before the sub - conscious wins. I thought of buying a half a gallon of vodka driving to the beach waiting for the tide to go out. Then going into a cave drinking the whole thing, taking some pills, waiting for the ocean to come back in and drown me. Will I ever be good enough? I would like to write more, but I'm hijacking your thread now. I need to get out of myself. Go congratulate people, if I can so properly. Go shower, go cry some more. I really need to drop to my knees and get Jesus involved the only one who can take my pain. Nail my alcohol to the cross bury it there. F****< MORE F****, Just plain S*** Martin, you may have not been able to help your ex. Know that you help me and other alcoholic's. I pray someday your ex. will hear you. I think that's why you come to this board. I think it helps you to. I appreciate you! Thankyou!
Pirate,
Congrats on 7 weeks! Wow. what an inspiration.
I have no words to convey the sorrow I feel when you speak about your daughter's abuse and the upcoming trial. No wonder you are in knots...March is upon us. Try to remember to breathe, honor your self and your intuition, and remember that it is okay to not agree with everyone or everything...There is a notion in the BB that says to the effect (at least the way I hear it), "god gave us brains for a reason". We are entitled to our own thoughts, views, opinions. You don't have to keep your mouth shut or say what you think others want you to say or do. Just keep sharing and don't drink in the interim.
Love you,
Zipper
Congrats on 7 weeks! Wow. what an inspiration.
I have no words to convey the sorrow I feel when you speak about your daughter's abuse and the upcoming trial. No wonder you are in knots...March is upon us. Try to remember to breathe, honor your self and your intuition, and remember that it is okay to not agree with everyone or everything...There is a notion in the BB that says to the effect (at least the way I hear it), "god gave us brains for a reason". We are entitled to our own thoughts, views, opinions. You don't have to keep your mouth shut or say what you think others want you to say or do. Just keep sharing and don't drink in the interim.
Love you,
Zipper
Gidday Everyone
Whatever is happening for me good or bad a drink wont fix it...it will only make time stand still till i wake up and have to face it all again plus what i have added by drinking
By being sober i am giving myself a chance to become a better person and be there for the ones i love instead of adding to there problems by drinking to forget mine
light and love zac
Whatever is happening for me good or bad a drink wont fix it...it will only make time stand still till i wake up and have to face it all again plus what i have added by drinking
By being sober i am giving myself a chance to become a better person and be there for the ones i love instead of adding to there problems by drinking to forget mine
light and love zac
Priate I could really relate to your post - I could have written that myself.
I went through the same thought process - well actually don''t think I could even call it a process the first few times I tried to get serious about the steps.
What I've realised is that when I think like that it is my addiction calling to me. See I was my addiction's best friend, and now I've turned my back on it. And its begging me to come back out and play.
Its alcoholism that causes your brain to run at a hundred miles an hour like that and its driven by fear.
Pirate its a fact that most alcoholics bust in their head first. That is they pick up a drink in their thoughts before they pick it up in their hand. That is how the addiction tricks you.
There's not many things that work for me when my head gets like that. A few that work are: waiting it out - I've come to learn that it will pass, if that's not working PLAY THE TAPE TO THE END, if that's not working, get my butt to a meeting.
Hope your day has improved
Idgie
I went through the same thought process - well actually don''t think I could even call it a process the first few times I tried to get serious about the steps.
What I've realised is that when I think like that it is my addiction calling to me. See I was my addiction's best friend, and now I've turned my back on it. And its begging me to come back out and play.
Its alcoholism that causes your brain to run at a hundred miles an hour like that and its driven by fear.
Pirate its a fact that most alcoholics bust in their head first. That is they pick up a drink in their thoughts before they pick it up in their hand. That is how the addiction tricks you.
There's not many things that work for me when my head gets like that. A few that work are: waiting it out - I've come to learn that it will pass, if that's not working PLAY THE TAPE TO THE END, if that's not working, get my butt to a meeting.
Hope your day has improved
Idgie
