Struggling For Answers

Good morning to everyone and Happy holidays. I'm writing today looking for some guidance and understanding about my wifes addiction to Oxi. After over a year of begging her to enter a treatment facility she did so at the beginning of november and is still there until January 7th.

I have two childrena and we visited her last week for the first time. Our visit was just ok as my wife mainly spoke about herself and was very removed. She did tell me that she had to be selfish or she would relapse and she couldn't do that to our children.

She also told me that when she comes out she would like a trial separation as she needsto take care of herself but would like to go to marriage councelling immediately. Kind of sounds odd to me.

I guess I'm reaching out for some advice as i love my wife dearly but i'm very lonely especially around the holidays.
Early recovery can be confusing as hell. While treatment centers tell us to put ourselves first, 12 step programs tell us we're selfish and need to stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about others. It all balances out in the end. Your wife's brain is going thru a lot of healing and it's going to take a while for her head to clear. What sounds like a good idea now may be completely forgotten in an hour. Give her her time in treatment and if you can, go to family counseling. Addiction is a family disease and everyone involved could use a little counseling from time to time. Hang in there.
our son is in treatment until march and when we talked to him for Christmas it was also all about him, i think that is just the way it is when they are in treatment, he did talk to his son, but briefly..whatever the outcome, you have the children and they will have to remain your focus, while she focuses on her..that does kind of leave no one focused on you and that is hard keep coming back here good luck
It was like that for me as well when I went to treatment..in the beginning. I remember them telling me that I needed to take care of myself, that part of my problem was that I was too much of a caretaker and didn't take care of myself. But then they wanted me to take care of all of the women who were first entering treatment after I had been there for a week...go figure. Anyway, like Kat said, it changes minute by minute. What I thought was going to happen when I got home, didn't.

You and your kids deserve treatment as well. Your whole family has been through hell and you have lived this disease as much as your wife has. Please, seek counseling for you and your kids. Alanon is good as well as any family program the treatment center has to offer. When your wife gets home, tell her about us, we would love to talk to her.

Please take care...it's going to be a bumpy road.
Only in the movies is withdrawel/detox a short thing. It takes a while to get your $hit together and your wives emotions are (an understatement) a bit out of whack. Take care of yourself, your children, do whats u know is right by them.

Each and every time I quit all my emotions are exageratted, bizarre and some of the stuff I say and think, well its maybe carthetic, but not real- though some of it definitely touches on some stuff I gotta work out.

Whatever happens, getting her away from drugs us a good thing and u made a good decision - it might take a while to see it.
I can't believe i found this site as i've been struggling to find some answers to this whole mess. I thank you all so much for your comments and thoughts.

As i sit hear reading these messages i'm realizing that i'm an enabler as i have pampered my wife for years giving her everything (I thought) she ever wanted.

it had gotten to the point that as a present for going to rehad I bought her a Prada purse, which I'm sure she doesn't need.

I seem to have another problem as since my wife has been in rehab i guess they go out on weekends to the mall. She has gained weight and to make herself feel better she has bought all new closes and racked up a 3500 visa bill. She is so out of touch with reality that i sent her with 3 calling cards and she has been using her visa for long distance where each call costs 7 to 8 dollars instead of pennies.

she tells me she need her space and is even thinking about a trial separation but she continues to spend out of control. Her visa bill prior to going into rehab was over 5,000 for a month.

My questions is, should I cancel the card and tell her to get her own or should I just pay it and move on.ld is like as she has been sheltered for years. Should we separate her spending habits will have to change drastically. I have one of her own cards that she has not been using and I'm thinking of sending it to rehab and telling her since she wants her indipendance, this is a good start.

any thoughts and again I appreciate the comments


My wife really has no idea what the real wor
I am of the ilk, that we do not recover at the expense of our faimly. If working on her is causing harm to her kids and others, well that isn't recovery is it, it's addiction to self.

I mean do kids even know if mommy is out scoring dope or out working on herself, all they know is she ain't there.

Now she may be seprating because a lot of the time the addiction gets it's life in the space between partners and as long as the partners stay together the addiction remains active, now matter how you dress it up it's there, In that case there wasn't LOVE in the first place just addiction taking another victim.

Look it's a real ugly diease that kills almost everyone it touches, that's jsut the way it is.

It's progressive, It get worse over time and then it kills.

Now recovery is very possible lifes are changed, but they never go back to what they were, what they were was addiction.

If she gets clean it will be all different.

If she comes back, fails to change, it will be worse.

It's your choice bro, and you need to think long and hard about it.

Do you love this woman unconditionally, or is there things you can not accept.

You control your feelings, and your life.

I would not make choices based on what the addict is going to do.

Tough spot your in, I wish you well.

Joe
I appologize in advance about what I am focusing on and about to post about your wife's recovery as it is insignificant in the scheme of things but...

When I detoxed and for weeks (probably months) after the last thing I wanted to do was shop, so i find it "interesting" that she even has the energy to do so. Maybe, she is transfering her addiction from drugs to shopping? Just a thought.

I wish you, her and your children the best!
i thought the same thing about the shopping..it is also an addiction..spending and spending is kind of like gambling, or drugs or porn...ive never heard of going to the mall while at rehab! im not doubting you, ive just never heard of such a thing! your visa, your choice but that could be a pretty expensive endeavor and it could (if it hasnt already) spiral out of control rather quickly..cant see how allowing such behavior could be helpful therapy..glad you are here, it is always useful to me
Shopping in the mall?? $5000 a month visa bill?
Some of the more expensive rehabs are like a vacation I've heard... From folks that went there.

Opiate addiction is no joke. Like deadhead said, it's a killer in the end unless it can be arrested.
I guess you know you've been an enabler. Sounds like maybe you still are. Prada purse and all...
She needs a big dose of reality I would think. Remember, with the addiction and enabling, the whole family has been suffering wether you realize it or not. The kids are at risk.
If you base all your decisions on putting their welfare first, I don't see how you can go wrong.

Rehab is not a cure for addiction. At best, it's just an opportunity: A door the addict can walk through if they truly want to. No amount of pushing, however well intentioned, can force the addict to walk through that door. They have to really WANT IT.
I know you said you've been bugging her to go to rehab for a year. Maybe she's just going through the motions to placate you. If so, her chances are less than average. Most addicts need to reach a "bottom". That place is different for everybody.

Good luck, my friend.
Mark
thank you all for your commnets. At this point i have to have the strength to cancel her visa card and provide her with one in her own name.

i guess the problem here is that I've been married fir twenty years and i love her dearly.

when it comes to our children I have basically put my life on hold to make sure they are well taken care of and they are doing great considering the circumstances.

I was also very surprised that she was able to go to the mall while in rehab.

i pray everyday that god will give me strength to continue this battle.

Hey Now,

Thank you so much for coming here and sharing your life with us, it can be real tough to listen to others can;t it.

I know for me, being a burly irish son fo a b****, the minute someone suggests how to run my house or my marriage or my kids, I am out for blood man.

that fellow while very endearing is also so far off base it's funny.

The truth for me was I had no clue how to run a house, my lfe a marriage, I'm learnig on the fly brother, seems you might be in a similar spot, all I can say is THANK GOD I am not alone,

That's the rub, that's the GOD, in the middle of the most blazing self seeking self destructuve disease unleashed on man, is a fellowship of LOVE so wonderful and all doing you just gotta expereince it.

Welcome my friend.

Now a question, I see you included 20 years when you described your marriage, I am from the group where time is irrelevant of no meaning, useless, damaging, I strive for the NOW, for today.

What purpose does the 20 years serve you, is someone keeping a record, a bock score, a quarterly report, I can see keeping recordes in say basketball, where ones legacy as an athelete will be chronicled or if your a plumber letting people know how many satisfied customers you have serves a purpose.

Do you feel your deeply invested, to tied up, that somehow the mere fact that you lived the last 20 years this way is unique It entitles you to something. What is the purpose of claiming the 20 years. Do you view it as an accomplishment, to get to spend your life with the Woman of your dreams, the one you Love. That sounds more like a blessing, a daily gift.

Now if you have lied to yourself, to her, to your kids, and somehow someway the TRUTH has come out and you don't really love her or she doesn't really love you and this marriage was formed on addiction or need and the fact that a convant with God was entered into without the complet understanding of such an undertaking, And you have somehow navigated the affairs, the lies, the sickness, the hate, the pain, that everyday you put on your game face and smiled, well than yeah 20 years means something i suppose. Just as one does a ten year bit in the pen and comes out alive.

I counted time in the pen, out here free I never do.

Again, thanks for being here man, keep coming back.
The struggle for answers...

But what answers do you need...
What do you already have and fight to accept...

I am curious if the addiction was removed would going shopping as she has be something normal for her...financially would this be normal for your family...

I wonder as well can you let it all be right now. Let her have her rehab and not set anything she says, does, asks for, not take any tone of voice, or lack of emotion and assign it as meaning this or that....bad or good, right or wrong and just let her seek and find and learn because this is so important to me...

Can you remove the focus off her and switch it to yourself. Look at what part you did or didn't play, look within and find yourself again as the watching does take it's toll and mostly through those watching taking this on as theirs, riding highs and lows, taking everything personal, also taking blame, feeling guilt for something that they could not fix, control or even begin to understand...

Educate yourself on addiction, on enabling on codependency...
Live in today, and find a way to let the past go. You both will need to forgive yourselves and each other for any chance....you both will also to have to work your own ends, not pushing the other to be at any set point of change or revelation to then find some ground in which you can begin to have a chance at rebuilding the relationship...I think marriage counseling is great but you both may need some time to find yourselves before it can be of good use...so I would talk to her openly and ask point blank if she needs time for her first and also look to see if you do as well...

There is no right way, but there are a whole bunch of wrong ones...

So believe what you see, don't coddle, treat her as an adult, and one capable of taking care of herself and learning, and seeing in her time what she needs to to get well. Remove any need on your part to beg her well, bride her well, threatened her well...

And back to the answers...trust me you will drive yourself insane if you you are looking for any though her, all the answers you need you already have they are inside so look there and see what might make this all make some sense for you.

I wish you both the best...

Tina

I'm sorry, but this kinda pisses me off. Cancel the VISA card.

Treatment centers that allow patients to go to the mall on the weekends instead of outside meetings, aren't very good rehabs in my opinion.

She should focus on herself right now, that doesn't mean creating financial debt for her family, that's not therapy, no matter how theraputic shopping can be. Instead of trying on clothes, she should be sitting in group figuring out how to deal with her disease and come back to the real world, ie, her family.

You have every right to protect yourself from her chaos. Love her, not the disease.
Wow i can't believe how candid everyone is on this site and I truly appreciate it.

Well I spoke with her this morning and explained my concern for her visa bill and she cam clean right away and sad she knew it was wrong and that she was in such a dark place that she thought shopping would help with her happiness. Well it didn't work and I'm disgusted with the facility she's in for allowing this to happen.

I suggested i send her one of her personal cards but now that I've spoken with her and she understands i believe she will not be spending as she did.

I'm torn about cancelling the card but that is the enabler coming out in me. I'me meeting with an addiction councellor tomorrow and will ask him the questions.
If you've been OK with $5000/month VISA bills this long--and you have because she still has the card--I don't see the point in making a stink about it right this second while she is still sitting in rehab. Now, the two of you coming to a mutual conclusion about how the spending has been negatively affecting you (if that is indeed the case) all this time, and about how you need to discuss the situation and make some changes...something like that, maybe OK. But cancelling the card behind her back just smacks of you needing all of a sudden to punish her for doing something she has been doing all along without any problem. Why would you need to do that? I'm not being a jerk, I think you should ask yourself that question, be honest about your (very real and understandable) resentments toward her, and not just find ways to act them out without addressing the real issue. And be very careful about punishing your wife in the name of the "kids' best interests"...people do that to each other ALL the time in family courts across the country and it can lead to some pretty sick sh*t. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, I'm saying be honest with yourself and remember that your kids are her kids too and love her too regardless of what she's done.

Addiction is a very real disease; NO ONE chooses this. This is an extremely difficult situation and one that she will have to live with for the rest of her life one way or another. Successful treatment of opiate addiction is relatively rare. Successful treatment of opiate addiction via rehab-then-release is almost unheard of and will require a Herculean effort on her part. Be glad that you *can* walk away if you have to; she does not have that luxury.
yes, this is a brutally candid site lol sometimes a little too candid, but truthful and from our hearts i dont know your financial situation so i dont know if $5000 is outrageous for her..that being said, retail therapy doesnt seem to be effective in most recoveries, alot of things make us feel better temporarily but they dont really address the addiction problem, seems like it just presents itself as another addictive behavior being supported.. funny thing..I was wondering if giving my son a $100 money order for the commisary in his rehab would be extravagant....haha I guess it is all relative
Well I've taken the advice from this site and addressed the issue with my wife on the phone today. I explained how we had dicussed the commitment we made to send her to this facility as it is very expensive and how we would cut back on spending.

When i told her about her visa bill she very calmly said I know and i thought it would make me feel better but it didn't. She said she fully understands my concerns. I then mentioned about her having her own card and she agreed but i just don't have the heart to cancel her card so my plan is to wait until she comes home next week and discuss a plan for her to acount for her own spending.

My suggestion will be for her to have two cards, 1 to use for her own personal use and the other (which is a joint card) to be used for anything she needs for the home and kids. I think this may be a very feasable solution and will give her the control she's so desperately looking for.

I again thank everyone for the candid comments. It's a fact that i feel more comfortable on this site than i do speaking with my therapist.
Hey Now,

just a thought here, giving an addict access to your finances may be problematic.

Look man if she REALLY wants to get clean, she won't need money, If she kinda wants to get clean (and she is an addict, which by the way, only she can proclaim) she won't get clean. There really isn't a safe play, in being in a relationship with a using addict.

From what I have seen play out with this addiction thing is this.

1. You accept the addict in active use, you provide for them with all your resources until the addict either dies, goes to jal or gets clean on the own.

2. You kick them out. Set a boundry on proven rocevery as access back into your life and begin the process of working on yourself.

The middle of the road solution, well you can always give it a go, she might not be an addict, she may have become dependent on opiates physically and once they are removed return to the woman she was prior to the dendency.

I really don't know. I suspect you do.

Information and Honest appraisal is a great place to start.

See Recovery is FREE. i never really got the money angle of it, but you know we live in a captilist society, so if there is a penny to made.

Happy New Year
Silver, thank you for having the courage and trust to post here. It is an honor to have you. I can't add anything other then I do understand how hard it is to practice a bit of tough love. It gets very confusing. I think sometimes we give to those we enable out of guilt and maybe even fear. I wish you well