Struggling

For anyone who has had similar experiences or encouraging words..... I began posting on this board last spring as my bf had a long time (18 or 20 yrs) heroin addiction. He died December 13, 2004. We were together for almost 6. I am not a user. During our rel. he had years of sobtiety though this last year was the worst. I finally told his sister, and family. We had broken up in the spring then got back together. This fall he went into detox and was awaiting external services to start Dec. 23, 2003.

I am not looking for pitty, though am having a really hard time as things just seem to be getting messier in some ways. The evening of his death I came home from work, and he arrived a little later. He had just started a new job a few days earlier and seemed very happy about it. When he came home, he was shaking and I knew he was high, at first I thought coke. He had been using coke as I think he didn't want to get back on the H. For all I know it could of been crack. He voluntarily gave me the money he had in his pockets. Thern about 20 minutes later I asked him to empty out his pockets and he did. I flushed the rest of the dope,probably not the smartest thing to do. The following is pretty horrific considering he never laid a hand on me, though 15 minutes later he was pacing in the apt. and finally came after me with a knife, several times as I had tried to escape our apt. I finally managed to get out and went to my neighbors' downstairs. The cops were called, and while I was being treated at the Hospital for my wounds which were minor considering what could of happened, with my family I found out he had been hit by a train, what I beleive to be a suicide. After he fled our place he went to a restaurant, shot up again and tried to do a hold up but was unsuccessfull. He then went to the tracks. It's been three weeks.

I am struggling with a lot. I have started counselling as I need it. Though part of my struggle is that his Mother is blaming me for his death, she said I drove her gentle boy crazy. I know she is angry, and expereincing a pain I'll never know that is unbearable. Though his other brother who is also a Heroin addict, is bashing me to all kinds of people and is probably fueling the Mom. I feel like I can't handle this. So many people have told me that the healthiest they ever saw my bf was while we were together. I am confused. Did my bf take a knife to me because he was withdrawing wanted more, and wanted his money?

I see my counsellor tomorow and will be able to tal;k about some of this though, I just miss him and I am angry at being blamed. The mother loved me so much while we were together, said I was so much better then his ex of 10 yrs. also a user. Geusse I'm angry, I'm lost, I'm sad....... Thanks for reading, I need to talk. Dora

Dear Dora,
In our grief while struggling with guilt and bewilderment....sometimes our anger and sense of powerlessness gets misdirected and those closest to us become the unfortunate targets.
Oft times our anger and frustration is really directed towards the one who just died.....simply leaving us to sort out all these complicated feelings and unanswered questions while the beloved deceased has finally attained peace.
It is no wonder that we alienate the ones around us with our anger and sorrow....the irony being that this is the time that we need each other the most....
You have apparently been the closest to your late bf and have shared an intimacy with him that none of his other family members were privy to while he was alive.....i think their so called 'blame' that they are scapegoating you with...is really just a misrepresentation of their jealousy of that intimacy the two of you shared while he was alive and they are striking out at you in their time of sorrow.
Addiction is a puzzle to those of us that have not indulged in it that can't be solved......death by an addiction be it directly or indirectly is more mystifying still to those of us who loved the addict.....and so in fear and anger of what we don't understand we often rebel and strike out blindly and wound the hearts of the innocent as ours are breaking so.

I am so sorry for your loss Dora and please believe that your late bf's family don't really blame you for his death or addiction but in their time of sorrow they are using their misdirected anger to help them cope thru what for them is an impossible inescapable sad reality...
MARY
Dear Mary, Thank you for your reply. I agree with what you wrote, I geusse my brain agrees but my heart is hurting. Ther's part of me that wants to lash right back but I know 100% that will do Nothing. It won't bring him back and I'll probably just be inviting more misery my way when I really need to start healing, & taking care of myself so I can do just indeed that. Thanks Mary, Dora
dear dora I am very sorry for your pain.You may not of come here for pity but you will whatever comfort we can give.You are probaly right about his mom & bro they probaly do & will blame you.Something tragic like that people always want to blame because their pain is to hard to bare so they kinda just let that spill over to others.I'm glad you have to see your therapist tomarrow,I hope that it helps.I think with someone(us or therapist)to listen you may be able to start to heal.take care....mj
Dear Mj, thank you. I am anxious to see my counsellor tomorow as I feel I'm boiling over, just overwhelmed. It's been three weeks. I think that the shock is wearing off I'm just starting to realize the things I will not do with him ever again. And I myself am angry. Thanks for listening, D
Dora:
My heart goes out to you.
Once his family gets over the initial shock, I'm sure they will come around. Right now, they are in a stage where they are looking for someone to blame other than your boyfriend himself.
Do not feel guilty for flushing his dope or thinking that is what caused any of it. You had every right to do so if it was in your house.
It is really tragic what drugs can do to people and I'm sorry that you have to suffer as well as his family.
I'm really glad that you are seeking counselling and I hope that your session goes well for you today. You are headed on the right track for your own healing.
Keep taking care of yourself,
Mickey
Dear Mickey, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! It's been along day. I met with my counsellor today, almost 3 hours. Sometimes community services suck and sometimes they don't. My province/city is providing me with free counselling as they consider me a victim due to assault, and god does it help.I feel better, meaning better in dealing with my grief, his family, etc... This counsellor gave me good support & feedback. I miss him, the shock as I said is wearing off. I know he'll never be coming back or calling me asking when I'll be home from my Moms', though I miss him. My Dad came by the apt. this afternoon and we are packing things up, as I am moving back to my Moms'. She has been by my best girlfriend since I reached my 20's. Had a heavy heartfelt cry with both my Mom and Dad. He is the only bf, I ever lived with
4 1/2 years of living together, would of been our 6th year on March 10th. As mentioned or not mentioned in other posts my late bf had a couple of sincere years of sobriety, though struggled to break away from his addiction of Heroin for many months & years. Although this last year was hell for him, as I am trying to imagine his pain, he had also made some of the bravest choices to face his addiction. I love him. Thanks for listening, D