9 Days - Struggling so hard right now though, its not the physical side of things as Im on 15 mls of methadone a day (and have just taken an extra 20 just because Im so stressed which may sound strange) but Im stuck back in the trap of using again, after being clean and am trying so hard to dig myself out of this hell hole of a mess AGAIN!!!
Feel like my heads about to explode with Stress! Stress! and more......Stressss!!!
But is it really just stress or is it more the fact of me knowing I cant use when desperately want to use so so badly right now.
Been coping quite well up until now but today has been the hardest, just getting paid so the ideas planted right there in my head from the night before even going to bedpay day tomorrow, what will I do, will I keep up the good work or let myself down. Argued with myself all day long! Go on use.No Dont.Yeah go on 1 last time itll be OK..No Dont Do It!......Yes Im doing it, Ill go to my appointment then Ill make the call, even went as far as to put the equipment in my bag and off I went but I couldnt do it, I didnt do it. I listened to some music , changed my mind and went to do some food shopping instead so all was good again.Pheww!! Felt good about myself until now! Came home let things totally stress me out and now all Im thinking is:
GOD.I WISH SO BAD I HAD OF MADE THAT CALL TODAY!! I COULD TAKE ALL THIS STRESS AWAY RIGHT NOW, I COULD CALM DOWN N CHILL THE HELL OUT!!!
IT WOULD MAKE EVERYTHING SO BETTER RIGHT NOW.
Only I know it wont it will only make it worse but Im dreading going through the same argument over and over in my head again, tomorrow or the next time I have money there in my hands again and all the stressy crap that comes with it.
If my partner hadnt of come home tonight I probably would have gone and made the call right now and that makes me feel so weak because I know I would have for a fact, the stress Im feeling right now.
What is wrong with me!!!!!
Im so sick and tired of this K***
Lately Im tired of fighting it, most of the times.
Before I had so much fight in me, now I feel like giving up trying to quit and just accepting that is who I am, the person I am and who I am meant to be.
But I know if I can just manage to stay off it again and get myself a fulltime job again, so Im kept busy, minds taken off it and Im kept focused, I know Ill be 10 times Happier!!
SO what is wrong with me!!!
No matter what you don't have to use over it. Do you have a support group like NA? Someone you can call when you feel this way? Hang in there it gets better. Your mind is still in a fog and as bad as it seems this to shall pass. Let your mind and body feel the emotins and get up sober tomorrow
I was clean from heroin for 10years, had a child, and a clean partner, so I had a lot of reasons to stop, and I did. But over the last few years i slowly got a habit again. Now i have a full blown everyday, phoning my man waiting in the rain to score. I have so much to lose so many good things. My two daughters a great job, a new man, two years together. He has no idea, neither do my children or work mates or my friends. But i had to go and mess it up...why??? Bored wanting adventure, unhappy I just dont honestly know. But I am getting into serious debt I could lose everything. Tonight I am so annoyed with muself. All those lies I can control this drug. I wouldnt be sick. Nonsense, got some time off a few strong pain killers, and I'm going to get myself sorted out. But I have no will power before having a baby was the best thing to help me stop. Now Im on my own. Just building up the lies. For me its the mental side of withdrawal, if I could get over the first few days ....i almost wish I could just go to sleep for a week and wow its all over. So much rubbish. i know i have to go through this, for me, my daughters and all the things I have worked so hard to get. I seriousily think their is a part of me that wants to blow it all up, end up in prison!!! I almost wish my partner would find out and help me. But I'm not sure he would stay or go. Its to much of a risk. I just want to be free from this prison I have locked my self in. I suppose I do have the " key" to get out. I need to ask myself do I really want it??? Yes I do ! Now I have to face it, wish me well, it would be good to hear from you guys let me know what you found out, if Im fooling myself, do I stand a chance, anything. It does get lonely....jill
Jill, you can do this. Wanting it is the most important part.
It does stink. We know. You're strong enough to raise your family and all that goes with it. You can beat heroin. Gotta get through it. Not easy, but you can do it.
Stay tough.
Hoping you are O.K. and if you folded then just start again.
Oh and think how ya hate waiting in the rain. Waiting, waiting, waiting to give somebody the moeny that could buy your little ones some clothes or toys or your partner something. That waiting s*** is a huge incentive.
It does stink. We know. You're strong enough to raise your family and all that goes with it. You can beat heroin. Gotta get through it. Not easy, but you can do it.
Stay tough.
Hoping you are O.K. and if you folded then just start again.
Oh and think how ya hate waiting in the rain. Waiting, waiting, waiting to give somebody the moeny that could buy your little ones some clothes or toys or your partner something. That waiting s*** is a huge incentive.
reading this post is like u have got in my head and read my thoughts!! I had my kids pt in temporary foster care in dec and got on a script beginning of feb and since then ive been clean on 40ml meddy, i had my script stopped end of feb cus missed doc app so instead of using i brought it off the street and brought myself down to 3ml started my detox and took my last lot last sunday and have not been too bad all week but last 2 days ive been really struggling with cravings.. I desperatly want to use but no i cant i think thats y its so hard cus ive got so much at stake (getting kids back in aug hopefully) just the same argument in my head trying to justify me using just this once even just so i can get a decent nights sleep!!!
I just dont no what to do??? i am at a friends house at the min trying to take mind of it but i no when i go home it will be same argument in my head!
worst thing is i have had to leave my 2 boys dad cus he not got clean and im really missing him which is making it worse :(
I get payed tomorrow too and start work but my work is right next to were he lives and im scared im gonna go get him if i feel like this again tomoz...
AAAAHHHH......HATE THIS SO MUCH! why did i ever start in the first place??
I need help!!
I just dont no what to do??? i am at a friends house at the min trying to take mind of it but i no when i go home it will be same argument in my head!
worst thing is i have had to leave my 2 boys dad cus he not got clean and im really missing him which is making it worse :(
I get payed tomorrow too and start work but my work is right next to were he lives and im scared im gonna go get him if i feel like this again tomoz...
AAAAHHHH......HATE THIS SO MUCH! why did i ever start in the first place??
I need help!!
Some deep personal pain and its hard not to empathise with that pain, we are all brothers and sisters under the skin and I know your pain been there a million times, (over 30 years) all the internal battles of having and not having money and all the associations that go with that, and I have realised that I am happiest when I have little money because money gives me to many options
I have been trying forever to get clean, and have realised I can try and fail a million times, but I only need to succeed ONCE so I keep on trying, and what I dont do is beat myself up any more I just accept what has happened and keep trying,
When we stop we are left with reality and a void to fill. The void that was our previous lives that was filled with gouching out or running around getting the money, or scoring, we must find something we love to fill that void, I plaster my flat with all kinds of images that help to remind me WHY Im doing this, I even carry some on me, these can be anything pictures, photos, poetry
Maybe turn it around and look to self diagnosed our core issues that make us want to score in the first place, what is lacking in our lives, how can we make this better, the truth is we are responsible for our lives and its up to us to change that sh*t we dont like, one baby step at a time, the past has been and gone the future is unknown but right now this moment is all there is, so make the most of it, we are a long time dead
Love and contentment
BOB
I have been trying forever to get clean, and have realised I can try and fail a million times, but I only need to succeed ONCE so I keep on trying, and what I dont do is beat myself up any more I just accept what has happened and keep trying,
When we stop we are left with reality and a void to fill. The void that was our previous lives that was filled with gouching out or running around getting the money, or scoring, we must find something we love to fill that void, I plaster my flat with all kinds of images that help to remind me WHY Im doing this, I even carry some on me, these can be anything pictures, photos, poetry
Maybe turn it around and look to self diagnosed our core issues that make us want to score in the first place, what is lacking in our lives, how can we make this better, the truth is we are responsible for our lives and its up to us to change that sh*t we dont like, one baby step at a time, the past has been and gone the future is unknown but right now this moment is all there is, so make the most of it, we are a long time dead
Love and contentment
BOB
