Addicts have a knack for redefining "bottom" every time you think they've hit theirs. More to the point, parents of addicts (most of whom are codependents) have a knack for redefining bottom, too...we don't always know where our bottom is until we suddenly find ourselves there. Someone on this thread said something about the need to accept that things may get worse before they get better, but I would go a step beyond that and say acceptance means understanding that they may not make it out at all and that the bottom sometimes ends in the unthinkable, as some here can attest. It sucks, but there it is.
There is no good reason cops should take on addicts unless they are a danger to the general public. It's not they don't care, in our town I see the caring all the time, but they are limited in how much change they can actually effect when the courts will release them on OR anyway.
Please remember how very resourceful addicts are when you think they need this or that...medical care, a place to live, etc. They manage to stay high and that takes some doing. Once they turn that resourcefulness towards getting and staying clean you will be amazed at what they can get accomplished. There is plenty of help out there for those who seek it and much of it can be found in the rooms of NA/AA...those folks help each other. When they pain of staying high exceeds the benefit they get from it, then and only then will it end.
To those of you engaged in removing yourselves from the drama, congratulations...freedom is on the horizon. It really is possible to have your own life, even with an addict in the family. I don't know how old your addicts are are, but if they are over 21, then you really should back out of the drama, you are only prolonging the dance.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Hi P, I never had any luck with the police helping me. It was always the addicts side they took and always handled them with kid gloves. Of course it didn't help matters any that my addict was such a great liar and should have won an oscar for her acting at times. It's sad to say but other than this website I found no help from anywhere, not even the police! You'll find your pretty much left to handle everything yourself because even the dads get tired of it and we are left to handle it all on our own. That's why I think we're a strong bunch us mothers, because we get left to take care of everything whether we want to or not. Sometimes I didn't even know what I would do or was doing. Trial and error! What doesn't work the first time we try something different the next. I hope he gets sick of it all soon. Take care P. ..Mary.
Shell, ....Great to see you!!
Shell, ....Great to see you!!
Hello, all.
I finally found someone who can/will help. I wish I had known months ago. I found out they have an therapist that will come do a home visit when there is potential for violence. They not only assess for involuntary placement, but make other recommendations. My son was threatening tonight and I called this guy. He is GOOD at what he does. Talked to my son for over an hour, picking out almost every lie, and interacted well with my son. Basically, he thinks that my son is bipolar/borderline. I was shocked at what my son was sharing. Really opening up about what is going on. Instead of getting mad, he told the guy that he was relieved to finally know what might be wrong with him. Can't say enough how well this guy interacted. Been doing this A LONG time.
So...of course...this solves nothing, but my son did agree to go to outpatient treatment for the mental health issues. After the guy left, my son had another fit of rage (Just a reminder that this solves nothing). Took off in his panicked robot way. Nonetheless, at least we have a resource. The guy said we can call any time we need help. And, my son can call whenever he wants. I guess I have to hold on to small rays of sunshine.
Sigh...thanks all for all the posts and advice. It helps so much!
And, we found out that we cannot 'kick him out' because of a legal issue. But, hopeful soon he can be placed for longer term mental health assessment.
I finally found someone who can/will help. I wish I had known months ago. I found out they have an therapist that will come do a home visit when there is potential for violence. They not only assess for involuntary placement, but make other recommendations. My son was threatening tonight and I called this guy. He is GOOD at what he does. Talked to my son for over an hour, picking out almost every lie, and interacted well with my son. Basically, he thinks that my son is bipolar/borderline. I was shocked at what my son was sharing. Really opening up about what is going on. Instead of getting mad, he told the guy that he was relieved to finally know what might be wrong with him. Can't say enough how well this guy interacted. Been doing this A LONG time.
So...of course...this solves nothing, but my son did agree to go to outpatient treatment for the mental health issues. After the guy left, my son had another fit of rage (Just a reminder that this solves nothing). Took off in his panicked robot way. Nonetheless, at least we have a resource. The guy said we can call any time we need help. And, my son can call whenever he wants. I guess I have to hold on to small rays of sunshine.
Sigh...thanks all for all the posts and advice. It helps so much!
And, we found out that we cannot 'kick him out' because of a legal issue. But, hopeful soon he can be placed for longer term mental health assessment.
Congrats! Sounds like your 'complaint phone calls' got you somewhere.
You must be relieved for now... maybe there will be a calm long enough to decorate and get thru the holidays.
You must be relieved for now... maybe there will be a calm long enough to decorate and get thru the holidays.
Hi P. I've never heard of such a thing before but it sounds great! Certainly helped for you to complain! Good job! Mary.
I hadn't either! Police never mentioned it. Actually, when I called another agency to get some facts, they asked why I had not had this therapist involved. So, my son is still completely out there and almost not functioning at all. But, at least I have someone to reach out to. And, they know what they are doing! For the last year, I had almost given up hope that anyone knows what they are doing. :) I know it is not the police job to babysit the addict or the mentally ill, but they REALLY need some education on these issues. They interact with it enough, that they really should have basic understanding of issues.
This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. He may have permanently damaged his brain these last couple of days. SO hoping not, but he is really acting different. I think I might reach out to NAMI and see if they can help.
Through all this! All of it, he still continues to use. Even his 'friend' told him he needs to stop for a few days...and that is saying a lot.
So, as said, holding onto my tiny ray of hope. : )
This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. He may have permanently damaged his brain these last couple of days. SO hoping not, but he is really acting different. I think I might reach out to NAMI and see if they can help.
Through all this! All of it, he still continues to use. Even his 'friend' told him he needs to stop for a few days...and that is saying a lot.
So, as said, holding onto my tiny ray of hope. : )
The police have been a tremendous help in our case. Of course, it depends on the circumstances of the incident as to what they can do and will do. Ambulances have been called for my son with mixed results. He has been taken to jail with mixed results. He has been to the psych emergency room and in the hospital with mixed results. They can go to a regular emergency room but it is not ideal. You need to tell them it is a mental health emergency. I would not drive my son to the emergency room again in my car. I did that many times but have decided it is too dangerous with him out of his mind and me trying to drive safely .. many times in the middle of the night. Now I always call someone to help.
You can also call and ask specifically for a mental health officer but they are not always available. They have special training and deal with this regularly. I think all officers receive at least some basic training on these issues because they see it every day.
I have mixed feelings about the bipolar diagnosis. Have you all ever noticed that EVERYONE that uses drugs seems to be bipolar? Did they have this mental condition that caused them to use drugs or do the doctors say they are bipolar because their brains have changed from the drug use? I think the doctors use this as a 'catch all' diagnosis because they don't know what else to call their mental state. In our case treatment seemed to make new difference whatsoever.
You can also call and ask specifically for a mental health officer but they are not always available. They have special training and deal with this regularly. I think all officers receive at least some basic training on these issues because they see it every day.
I have mixed feelings about the bipolar diagnosis. Have you all ever noticed that EVERYONE that uses drugs seems to be bipolar? Did they have this mental condition that caused them to use drugs or do the doctors say they are bipolar because their brains have changed from the drug use? I think the doctors use this as a 'catch all' diagnosis because they don't know what else to call their mental state. In our case treatment seemed to make new difference whatsoever.
Yes, I know he has something wrong besides drugs. Have worried about it since he was little. The problem is that the diagnosis are very similar and not everyone fits every criteria. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger. And, at that time, the guy told me he saw what I saw: that he seems sort of autistic but does not meet criteria. My son did this number puzzle beyond what a college graduate could do (and he was about 7). But, he definitely fits the bipolar diagnosis. If he was honest, I am a little concerned about schizophrenia.
Every situation is different, so sometimes it could be drugs first, then mental health issues. Sometimes the opposite. In my son's case, he has had issues noticeable even in preschool. So...in the end, I guess it does not matter unless they see it as a problem and want help.
Right now, he is saying he will see someone, but...you know how that goes....
And, we live in a very rural area, which hurts us a lot in terms of resources.
I am going for a hike! : )
Every situation is different, so sometimes it could be drugs first, then mental health issues. Sometimes the opposite. In my son's case, he has had issues noticeable even in preschool. So...in the end, I guess it does not matter unless they see it as a problem and want help.
Right now, he is saying he will see someone, but...you know how that goes....
And, we live in a very rural area, which hurts us a lot in terms of resources.
I am going for a hike! : )
Hi P2,
I just wanted to let you know my experience with the police and psych wards. My son has had depression for as long as he's been on drugs. He's never stayed off recreational drugs long enough to get accurate diagnosing and treatment. He has been taken to the psych ward before, but only after he harmed himself. The psych ward is not even a fix though. They hold them for 3 days, get them stabilized and on meds and then release them with outpatient directions. My son never continued outpatient for more than a couple sessions. He hasn't had any suicide attempts now for many years. I do have to say that I believe his half hearted attempts and threats have all been manipulations against us. He quit doing it when we stopped playing into it. We eventually told him, "We don't want you to kill yourself but we know that it's all in your control". That's how we'd reply back to him when he would threaten us with it. That is not to say that he doesn't actually have some mental illness. I think any addict does, whether it's why they use or because they use. Treatment will only come with them wanting it, with both addiction and mental health issues. All this being said, you're son is still young and it's definitely worth it to try and get help for him for his mental health issues. We never know when or what is going to hit home with them and facilitate a change.
On a separate note, I do agree with MomNMore that our addicts are way more resourceful than we give them credit for. It's just directed towards the wrong things. I have told myself on more than one occasion, "If he can manage to feed a $100-$200 a day heroin habit, he can find a place to stay, he can find food, he can find help. Besides making ourselves crazy, we do a disservice to our addicts when we act like they can't figure it out and when we enable.
I hope every one has a very happy holiday season with no drama!
Hugs!
I just wanted to let you know my experience with the police and psych wards. My son has had depression for as long as he's been on drugs. He's never stayed off recreational drugs long enough to get accurate diagnosing and treatment. He has been taken to the psych ward before, but only after he harmed himself. The psych ward is not even a fix though. They hold them for 3 days, get them stabilized and on meds and then release them with outpatient directions. My son never continued outpatient for more than a couple sessions. He hasn't had any suicide attempts now for many years. I do have to say that I believe his half hearted attempts and threats have all been manipulations against us. He quit doing it when we stopped playing into it. We eventually told him, "We don't want you to kill yourself but we know that it's all in your control". That's how we'd reply back to him when he would threaten us with it. That is not to say that he doesn't actually have some mental illness. I think any addict does, whether it's why they use or because they use. Treatment will only come with them wanting it, with both addiction and mental health issues. All this being said, you're son is still young and it's definitely worth it to try and get help for him for his mental health issues. We never know when or what is going to hit home with them and facilitate a change.
On a separate note, I do agree with MomNMore that our addicts are way more resourceful than we give them credit for. It's just directed towards the wrong things. I have told myself on more than one occasion, "If he can manage to feed a $100-$200 a day heroin habit, he can find a place to stay, he can find food, he can find help. Besides making ourselves crazy, we do a disservice to our addicts when we act like they can't figure it out and when we enable.
I hope every one has a very happy holiday season with no drama!
Hugs!
Thanks everyone!
Life is strange and indeed, very strange, with an addict. I have no illusions about him ever getting better. But, since he is so young and we can't kick him out, I keep trying for him and also to protect our family.
He has never been suicidal before. Why I think he meant it this time was because of a text his friend showed me. (And, this friend, like most, avoids me like the plague). I believe he tried to OD and was disappointed it failed. Of course, he is lying to everyone (and I started believing him) that it was a misunderstanding/he would never hurt himself. This text proves he meant it.
Anyway, we had a meeting to go to a counselor as follow up to the therapist visit. I was shocked that he seemed to really want to go. Turns out, about an hour before I was to pick him up, the police took him. We aren't really sure what triggered it, but it relates to him being a danger to himself and others (all my bitchy phone calls?). So...he keeps pushing the envelope and I know there is no fix for him.
I know you all can relate to this and I don't sound like a bad mom to you: Last night was the best night in a year! For the first time in over a year, I knew 100% that my boy was NOT using drugs and was NOT going to kill me in my sleep. I stood outside, listening to the wind, and felt such a calm. It made me doubly realize he cannot be in our lives unless he gets help. Life seemed almost surreal last night, looking at the stars and knowing he was safe and I was safe and my kids were safe.
He called me with his one phone call-ripped my heart out-little boy, you know. I know better, though and I know I have to be tough and strong and let the other people handle this.
Life is strange and indeed, very strange, with an addict. I have no illusions about him ever getting better. But, since he is so young and we can't kick him out, I keep trying for him and also to protect our family.
He has never been suicidal before. Why I think he meant it this time was because of a text his friend showed me. (And, this friend, like most, avoids me like the plague). I believe he tried to OD and was disappointed it failed. Of course, he is lying to everyone (and I started believing him) that it was a misunderstanding/he would never hurt himself. This text proves he meant it.
Anyway, we had a meeting to go to a counselor as follow up to the therapist visit. I was shocked that he seemed to really want to go. Turns out, about an hour before I was to pick him up, the police took him. We aren't really sure what triggered it, but it relates to him being a danger to himself and others (all my bitchy phone calls?). So...he keeps pushing the envelope and I know there is no fix for him.
I know you all can relate to this and I don't sound like a bad mom to you: Last night was the best night in a year! For the first time in over a year, I knew 100% that my boy was NOT using drugs and was NOT going to kill me in my sleep. I stood outside, listening to the wind, and felt such a calm. It made me doubly realize he cannot be in our lives unless he gets help. Life seemed almost surreal last night, looking at the stars and knowing he was safe and I was safe and my kids were safe.
He called me with his one phone call-ripped my heart out-little boy, you know. I know better, though and I know I have to be tough and strong and let the other people handle this.
Hi P, I'm sad for you because I know how your feeling. Maybe they will get him a psych evaluation and help get to the bottom of everything. Some take drugs as a way to self medicate looking to cure themselves. My daughter started taking drugs to help control her PTSD she got from a terrible thing that happened to her. Now with the drug use it's caused her to be Bi-Polar. I hope this is his turn around now and he's going to get the help he needs. He's safe for now and this might be the beginning of something good. Let's hope and pray it is. Take care. Mary.
My son decided to go to rehab. He has been unable to use drugs for five days, and I cannot believe the difference. He is a different kid. I have heard they leave off where they started using. This is so true. He is talking about regrets and they all go back to when he started this path. He keeps saying he wants to go back to that point. All his conversations center around that time and before, like he has not been with us since. Very telling how out of it he has been.
Anyway, of course, part of me is elated, and part of me knows I need to protect myself from high expectations.
I am trying to enjoy this time of having my son back. And, letting the future be the future.
Anyway, of course, part of me is elated, and part of me knows I need to protect myself from high expectations.
I am trying to enjoy this time of having my son back. And, letting the future be the future.
Hugs to you!
ps - at some point talking to my son, he said he has been miserable since college. That is the time that he was introduced to prescription meds. yet, he does not see the connection.
Wishing everyone breezes thru the next week safely and with sanity!
breathe, breathe, breathe, remember to take a moment for yourself each day!
ps - at some point talking to my son, he said he has been miserable since college. That is the time that he was introduced to prescription meds. yet, he does not see the connection.
Wishing everyone breezes thru the next week safely and with sanity!
breathe, breathe, breathe, remember to take a moment for yourself each day!
Hi P, I'm happy for you and glad your son is in rehab. My best wishes to you and him. At least he's heading in the right direction and you get a chance to breathe easier. What a nice Christmas gift!! Mary
Yes, it is a nice Christmas gift. I will take this breather after the chaos of the last year.
He called me last night and talked for over an hour! and is really liking the groups. I know he has a big road ahead and lots of challenges. But, all I have is the moment. I am trying to enjoy it to the fullest and stop those thoughts of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I have to say how amazing it is------get the drugs off the brain and he cares about school, work, his girlfriend. We all know are drugs are bad, but drugs are BAD-kill everything in their path.
Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.
He called me last night and talked for over an hour! and is really liking the groups. I know he has a big road ahead and lots of challenges. But, all I have is the moment. I am trying to enjoy it to the fullest and stop those thoughts of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I have to say how amazing it is------get the drugs off the brain and he cares about school, work, his girlfriend. We all know are drugs are bad, but drugs are BAD-kill everything in their path.
Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.
NY, I hope things get better for you and your son too. It's a good sign he's thinking back to before drugs. It just takes one little spark to start them off in the right direction, as you know yourself having been through this before. I hope with the new year comes new hope for us all. Sending you a little sprinkle of happiness NY, keep it in your pocket and save it for a day when you need it the most. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was as easy to share like this? Thinking of you. Mary
