Now i know there is a great "survival forum" for those that are recovering themselves, but i need something for me, im sick of feeling selfish and alone in this entire situation and everyone just expecting me to be strong.
Let me start by saying that I live with my boyfriend and his two best friends, and they were smoking synthetic marijuana (aka synthetic) every single day all day and all night until i dragged their comatose bodies inside.
I dont smoke, i never have, i have a very black and white view of drugs when it comes to my own use and that is never! I am a very clean, healthy and fit person, i dont put anything in my body that i don't understand, or that doesn't have a purpose, i do not impose this on other people, i dont expect that of anyone else, this stemmed from a previously very unhealthy relationship with food, but i digress.
My boyfriend was very fit and healthy we ate everything together he was the picture perfect VFL footy star. We moved out from living with his parents, but due to money thought it would be a good idea to get some room mates, enter his two best friends... quite literally the opposite of us. Overweight, lazy, unmotivated and partially unemployed. I trusted dans judgment with them, they're his best friends and had been for a very long time.
one week after moving in the boys spent more time in the shed in back yard than in the house, slowly but surely spending more and more time outside, and therefore more and more time smoking.
At the height of the drug abuse the boys spent 20+ hours a day smoking/sleeping because they were so damn high they passed out, waking only to smoke more and vomit, which was very frequent.
Two months in my boyfriend quit his job so that he could stay home a smoke full time, leaving me to pay the brunt of the bills and responsibility.
this was the worst period of my life, but one of the hardest things for me was that every time i asked dan (my boyfriend) to stop, he was either too high to comprehend what i was saying, or wouldn't remember it an hour later, he couldn't walk, he couldn't feed himself, i feel horrible for saying it, but i can liken his condition on the synthetic to that a very bad case of cerebral palsy... and all i could do was be strong, feed him, walk him to and from every room and drag him to bed when the time came
i begged him almost every night to stop, and he would cry and promise me that he would, he would change and would stop, only for him to be up at 5am the next morning and completely high before i even got the chance to go downstairs and get ready for work.
I relationship began to suffer immensely, all i wanted to do was leave, but i was more worried about what would happen if i did, what would happen to dan, so i stayed.
the turning point came when dans parents found out, and the entire (HUGE) family came down on him like a tonne of bricks... it was slow, maybe a month or so before dan decided that he wanted to and needed to quit, he just got a new job, and is working really hard, but its only day 4.
Dan and the two friends, they are all quitting, they are all reading the specific synthestic thread and using that to help them, and im sitting here, as miserable as i was when they were still smoking, i cant get out of this funk, i should be happy that hes getting clean and pulling his life together.
and i cant help but feel incredibly selfish when i get annoyed because they sit there and talk about it the three of them, and im treated as if it wasnt the worst period of my life. as if i didnt go through anything either. Dan doesnt want to talk to me about it and im really really angry about it, i always so angry at him, im supposed to be happy, hes kicking it, hes getting hi life together but i hate him for making me feel as though i dont matter in this, that i havent been dealing with this too, i know this page isnt necessarily a place for all og us on the sidelines to just sit and whinge, but is anyone going through a similar thing? they just need someone to hold them up now? now that hes out of the clear, i need someone to hold my own hand
Addiction is a family disease, no matter what the term "family" means. Everyone who is close to the addict gets affected...this includes roommates and girlfriends. Watching someone you care about go down the drain with drugs is tremendously difficult, and people react in different ways to this downward spiral.
No matter whether you are a blood relative or girlfriend, the main thing about addiction is the sense of powerlessness you feel. The addict is doing things that are obviously harmful, but you can do little to stop it. People react to this loss of power in many different ways....some get depressed, some get enraged, some turn a blind eye to it and get into denial that there is a problem.
You sound like the one who tried to make Dan change his ways, put a lot of effort into taking care of him, and propped up the situation by paying all the bills, only to get no thanks for all your efforts. This is really typical.
We, who care about our addicts, do so much for them and in the end feel used. We are glad that they are trying to get straight again, but have this simmering resentment about all they have put us through. If we sit around and wait for thanks, it is going to be a long wait.
Addiction is a "selfish" disease, and people who choose to alter their consciousness with drugs are not always the most insightful people. They often lack the ability to see how they are affecting others by their destructive behavior. They tend to focus more on how they are feeling at the moment, hence the reason they use drugs, than on how others around them are feeling.
We must remember that when we choose to help someone, it may end up being a "thankless" job. We must remind ourselves that we chose to prop them up. We could just as easily not helped. It was our decision, and we must accept that our help may not necessarily result in thanks or repayment.
Stewing in resentment is not healthy. You may want to seek out Alanon meetings to attend, to listen to others who are dealing with addicted loved ones. It is not an easy road to care about someone with a problem. But, losing yourself in the process is not fair. By talking with others, you may be able to come to terms with this and find yourself some peace.
No matter whether you are a blood relative or girlfriend, the main thing about addiction is the sense of powerlessness you feel. The addict is doing things that are obviously harmful, but you can do little to stop it. People react to this loss of power in many different ways....some get depressed, some get enraged, some turn a blind eye to it and get into denial that there is a problem.
You sound like the one who tried to make Dan change his ways, put a lot of effort into taking care of him, and propped up the situation by paying all the bills, only to get no thanks for all your efforts. This is really typical.
We, who care about our addicts, do so much for them and in the end feel used. We are glad that they are trying to get straight again, but have this simmering resentment about all they have put us through. If we sit around and wait for thanks, it is going to be a long wait.
Addiction is a "selfish" disease, and people who choose to alter their consciousness with drugs are not always the most insightful people. They often lack the ability to see how they are affecting others by their destructive behavior. They tend to focus more on how they are feeling at the moment, hence the reason they use drugs, than on how others around them are feeling.
We must remember that when we choose to help someone, it may end up being a "thankless" job. We must remind ourselves that we chose to prop them up. We could just as easily not helped. It was our decision, and we must accept that our help may not necessarily result in thanks or repayment.
Stewing in resentment is not healthy. You may want to seek out Alanon meetings to attend, to listen to others who are dealing with addicted loved ones. It is not an easy road to care about someone with a problem. But, losing yourself in the process is not fair. By talking with others, you may be able to come to terms with this and find yourself some peace.
