Jim, I know how humbling going back to meetings is after you've slipped/relapsed, especially if you've put together significant time. Been there, still there. One question: in your area, if you're starting over, are you not allowed to go to general meetings, only beginner meetings? Just curious -- I'd never heard of that. M.
Thanks Jim, I'll check it out.
Jim, Coincidently my brother Michael died of AIDS, May 25, 1993. He was 35 and the most handsome of men. My uncle passed away from the same disease 6 months earlier than my brother November 3, 1992.
Did you know that Michael is the most common name of all people who have died of AIDS?
Did you know that Michael is the most common name of all people who have died of AIDS?
Hi M (sounds like a James Bond movie);
No, I can go to any AA meeting, but the one I'm referring to is a pretty big meeting every Monday night not far from where I live. They have three meetings running concurrently, Beginners, Step and General. The General is for those with a year or more of sobriety. Therefore, I really can't in good conscience sit in the General meeting. Actually I'm really getting some good stuff out of the Beginners meeting.
Did that answer your question?
Jim
No, I can go to any AA meeting, but the one I'm referring to is a pretty big meeting every Monday night not far from where I live. They have three meetings running concurrently, Beginners, Step and General. The General is for those with a year or more of sobriety. Therefore, I really can't in good conscience sit in the General meeting. Actually I'm really getting some good stuff out of the Beginners meeting.
Did that answer your question?
Jim
Yes, thanks. Interesting.
Hey Margo;
I didn't know that about the name Michael.
My brother died August 26, 1991. He also was 35 years old, and quite handsome too. "Buff", his friends would say. We had a quilt panel made in his memory for the Aids quilt.
His dying taught me a lot about living. When you see what the disease does to someone, especially someone you love, it just tears at your heart. Towards the end he was really in a lot of pain, and for two months we setup a hospital bed upstairs in the home we all grew up in and had hospice coming in round the clock. As a family member I can remember that, with his okay, we were allowed to up his dose of morphine drip to ease his pain. He wasn't able to speak - he'd just turn his head and smile and I'd grab a hold of his hand. Words weren't necessary anyway. Unconditional love - I would have done anything to comfort my brother.
Sorry, it just brings back the memories. You can relate I know.
Take care,
Jim
I didn't know that about the name Michael.
My brother died August 26, 1991. He also was 35 years old, and quite handsome too. "Buff", his friends would say. We had a quilt panel made in his memory for the Aids quilt.
His dying taught me a lot about living. When you see what the disease does to someone, especially someone you love, it just tears at your heart. Towards the end he was really in a lot of pain, and for two months we setup a hospital bed upstairs in the home we all grew up in and had hospice coming in round the clock. As a family member I can remember that, with his okay, we were allowed to up his dose of morphine drip to ease his pain. He wasn't able to speak - he'd just turn his head and smile and I'd grab a hold of his hand. Words weren't necessary anyway. Unconditional love - I would have done anything to comfort my brother.
Sorry, it just brings back the memories. You can relate I know.
Take care,
Jim
Jim, a good friend of mine from my early recovery days, Marty, died of aids related illnesses in 1994. I was privileged to be with him on his last day of consciousness. He looked at me and said, "I love you August," and slipped into a coma from which he was never revived.
He was incredibly important to me in my early recovery. Here, I thought I had trouble, what with being the center of the universe and all, and this guy, big as a house at the time (weighed less than 100lbs when he died) had been concealing the fact that he had Aids for years out of fear that his wife and daughter would be ostracized. That little girl is now a beautiful young woman beginning her first year at NYU. I know her father would be so proud of her.
My friend Marty taught me a lot about living sober. More than anything else, he taught me that the way to deal with fear was to live in the moment while continuing to plan for the future. I was still in my first year of recovery when he confided in me that he had Aids. Not long afterward, he walked into his home group and screwed up the courage to tell the entire group. Like your experience today, most closed ranks around him. A few pulled away no doubt but they were in the small minority. We planted a magnolia tree in his honor in front of the building that houses our home group. It is still alive and thriving.
Just wanted to connect through what you shared.
August
He was incredibly important to me in my early recovery. Here, I thought I had trouble, what with being the center of the universe and all, and this guy, big as a house at the time (weighed less than 100lbs when he died) had been concealing the fact that he had Aids for years out of fear that his wife and daughter would be ostracized. That little girl is now a beautiful young woman beginning her first year at NYU. I know her father would be so proud of her.
My friend Marty taught me a lot about living sober. More than anything else, he taught me that the way to deal with fear was to live in the moment while continuing to plan for the future. I was still in my first year of recovery when he confided in me that he had Aids. Not long afterward, he walked into his home group and screwed up the courage to tell the entire group. Like your experience today, most closed ranks around him. A few pulled away no doubt but they were in the small minority. We planted a magnolia tree in his honor in front of the building that houses our home group. It is still alive and thriving.
Just wanted to connect through what you shared.
August
Well, I finished day three 4 hours ago and now embark on day four. Day three was awful honestly - the worse day so far.. Got to an NA meeting Sat AM but felt awful and had to use the bathroom at gas stations before and after, and during the meeting! Needless to say I'm taking my immodium now. I just didn't have a clue - it hasn't been a problem. But it's also been torture mood-wise...very depressed, unable to think or feel good about anything. Mired in "doom and gloom" thinking. I tried to do some chores around the house but it's so exhausting after only a few minutes. Finally went for a walk around the neighborhood a little before midnight, and that helped my mood a good deal, I'll have to keep doing that tomorrow. So now I can't sleep and all I can do is starting Sunday I'm gonna write down / journal each day so I have something to look back on and remind myself of this hell when the urge to use comes along. And it will.
Good luck to all in recovery or considering it, especially as they say the newcomer (like me). Despite this awful day I will press on. I can't believe it's already day 4! I hear what others in NA share and I want what they have so bad I'll press on at any cost.
Take care everyone, especially to Marie and all others in Florida dealing with the hurricane.
Good night (I hope!),
Jim
Good luck to all in recovery or considering it, especially as they say the newcomer (like me). Despite this awful day I will press on. I can't believe it's already day 4! I hear what others in NA share and I want what they have so bad I'll press on at any cost.
Take care everyone, especially to Marie and all others in Florida dealing with the hurricane.
Good night (I hope!),
Jim
Jim ive been reading your posts all i can say hun is inspirational good for you jackie xxxx
Congratulations on getting to Day 4. From what I've read, many turn back at Day 3 when the physical w/ds are at their worst. You're on the downslope. I also found that walking helped; my Golden liked it too. It sounds like you're starting to build up a support network, building a strong foundation. All good. I hope you begin to feel better today. M.
Jimbo,hang in there bro,Man I know where you are for sure. the first week is really tough.All the symptoms that you are having is your body trying to get out the hydro,at the same time your mind is trying to get you back to using allthough your feeling so bad right now,that your addictied mind can't really use it's full power on you yet,but when you get to feeling better,watch out,your mind will do plenty of mind games on you.As far as your mind goes it's like this,there is a light at the end of the tunnel,but many corners in the tube,I use that because it's so true.You will be screaming in your mind to get over this,and you will become super tierd mentaly,so I think it's a fantastic idea to write down all the things even small details that you absolutly hate about your addiction,and hydro to be exact.One thing you will find is your not angry all the time,thats a big one,take note of that because when you do get to feeling better you won't remember it,so take note.Watch out for phantom pain,things begin to hurt,but with a little patience it goes away, but it's a mind game.Try not to make any super tough descsions,during your first 30,and take a step back when dealing with your kids,and other people,your fuse will get really short,and you will want to lash out at someone,so be carefull.Once the phs W/D are over it's all mental be prepared bro,find another hydro addict,ask him bout this problem,not many talk bout this.During all this many positive things will be happining in your life to,always take note,and look hard to find them,focus on the positive,it's your lifeboat out of hell,but write it down,Stay strong bro,,,be good to you,and it will all come your way
Good Morning Everyone;
It's Day 5 for me, and slowly it is getting better, a day at a time. I don't feel really good, but I feel a heckuva lot better than I did Saturday and Sunday. I went to a meeting Sunday morning and then mid-afternoon went for about a 3-4 mile walk. It was such a beautiful day here in New England it was hard not to look around and truly appreciate the sights and sounds of mother nature. Then I went for another walk around 10 PM and actually got 5-6 hours sleep. I think the exercise along with an almost complete cutback on caffeine is helping at night where in the past I struggled in the early stages of getting clean. And the exercise has helped with my mood too. But it's still a struggle for me, maybe because of my history of depression.
It's tough at home with my wife. My wife has every right to be angry, sad, depressed. I keep saying to myself "all I can do is be the best person I can be one day at a time." I've spent three years ripping completely apart the trust between us. It's going to take a long time to heal the wounds. And it may never come back, I don't know.
And this morning before leaving for work my youngest son who is 7 years old, and who I love more than words can describe, totally out of the blue asked me something to the effect "Dad, how much longer are you going to have to keep going into work like you have". It stopped me in my tracks. That's been my excuse for leaving the house for meetings on weekends and nights - that it's really busy at work. Right now I need the meetings, I know that. It just really hit home I guess that my 7 year old misses me even for those couple of hours.
I'm confident in time it will get better, but the feelings of regret and shame for what I've done to my family are really hard to deal with right now. I'm relying on faith of a better life more than ever, that's for sure.
Jim
It's Day 5 for me, and slowly it is getting better, a day at a time. I don't feel really good, but I feel a heckuva lot better than I did Saturday and Sunday. I went to a meeting Sunday morning and then mid-afternoon went for about a 3-4 mile walk. It was such a beautiful day here in New England it was hard not to look around and truly appreciate the sights and sounds of mother nature. Then I went for another walk around 10 PM and actually got 5-6 hours sleep. I think the exercise along with an almost complete cutback on caffeine is helping at night where in the past I struggled in the early stages of getting clean. And the exercise has helped with my mood too. But it's still a struggle for me, maybe because of my history of depression.
It's tough at home with my wife. My wife has every right to be angry, sad, depressed. I keep saying to myself "all I can do is be the best person I can be one day at a time." I've spent three years ripping completely apart the trust between us. It's going to take a long time to heal the wounds. And it may never come back, I don't know.
And this morning before leaving for work my youngest son who is 7 years old, and who I love more than words can describe, totally out of the blue asked me something to the effect "Dad, how much longer are you going to have to keep going into work like you have". It stopped me in my tracks. That's been my excuse for leaving the house for meetings on weekends and nights - that it's really busy at work. Right now I need the meetings, I know that. It just really hit home I guess that my 7 year old misses me even for those couple of hours.
I'm confident in time it will get better, but the feelings of regret and shame for what I've done to my family are really hard to deal with right now. I'm relying on faith of a better life more than ever, that's for sure.
Jim
