Hey all...just wanted to check in and also get some advise on the situation where my friend recently tried killing himself. I wrote about it more indepth on the diary board so feel free to read last nights post.
Intuitively, I know I need to distance myself and focus on me. This relationship had its up and downs and dysfunction from the start. Admittedly, I've been very co-dependent. I've allowed this man/relationships to distract me and I've given so much energy away and I finally am saying...enough is enough.
I am just as addicted to him as alcohol. I need to distance myself and quite possibly, for my own sanity, health, wellbeing, and sobriety for good.
How do I start? How can I detach without feeling like an a** while he is sitting in a hospital? Am I being selfish? Geez...I feel so out of sorts.
Thanks for letting me share,
Ever try AlAnon?
Zipper I don't think you are being selfish at all. One can only do what they feel capable of doing. Right now you are at a stage in your life where you are trying to get well. You need support yourself and you need to look after your own well being. It is hard enough trying to recover and dealing with your own problems without taking on someones else's too.My advice would be to just let him know that you care about him and that you are happy he is alive and that professional help is available to him if he wants to avail himself of it. You can tell him that even though you care for him ,at this point and time in your life you are not strong enough emotionally and physically to give him the support he needs I think you need to surround yourself with as much positivity as possible. As recovering alcoholics we need all the positive influences in our lives that we can get. It is difficult enough to struggle day by day as it is but when you have to deal with other problems it makes it a lot more difficult I know that from my own personal experience. So yes I think you are making a wise choice. To thine own self be true. You take care zipper and God bless and be safe.
yes....and good suggestion. Maybe I am wrong, but right now I believe my focus should be my addiction - alcohol, going to aa meetings, and staying sober, first and foremost. AlAnon and coda are great groups. Guess you heard my question wrong. I know the resources to utilize. I was asking if it seems selfish to detach at this point, considering my new sobriety and his recent suicide attempt.
If I am not sober, I'm no good to anyone--myself included.
Get better, get help, get on with living.
Get better, get help, get on with living.
Exactly....thank you. I guess I just need reassurance. I know I am making the right decision...just trying to allow myself to take care of ME.
I have my own dictionary....I call that word self-full to describe taking care of me and my needs.:-)
Hey zipper,
Not for nothing are the steps the same in AA and Al-anon, although in Al-anon people sometimes add a little extra to step 1...."we are powerless over people places and things......"
I have neither the right, nor the power to try to stop my loved one drinking....and I don't have the right or the power to stop her killing herself if that's the choice she makes....after all, alcoholism is just an inefficient and slow form of suicide, is it not? Same applies......it's her life and only she can choose which path to take in it.
Detach with love is the mantra.....we try to learn to disentangle from the emotional enmeshment and those terrible, thrilling little dramas.....that just get bigger and bigger......
The deal is that as we get healthier MAYBE the other person wants some of what they SEE us living.....but we don't do it for that reason, we do it precisely for the reasons you've identified yourself, to save our strength, sanity and even our lives.
You're no good to yourself or anyone else if you allow yourself to become unwell. You must come first. Once you get a sense that you've found some kind of balance about your relationship with him you'll know if you're able to give him some support, and if that's right for you. It'll be your good old HP telling you, just as it is now, so just keep listening to Him/Her/It....
Not for nothing are the steps the same in AA and Al-anon, although in Al-anon people sometimes add a little extra to step 1...."we are powerless over people places and things......"
I have neither the right, nor the power to try to stop my loved one drinking....and I don't have the right or the power to stop her killing herself if that's the choice she makes....after all, alcoholism is just an inefficient and slow form of suicide, is it not? Same applies......it's her life and only she can choose which path to take in it.
Detach with love is the mantra.....we try to learn to disentangle from the emotional enmeshment and those terrible, thrilling little dramas.....that just get bigger and bigger......
The deal is that as we get healthier MAYBE the other person wants some of what they SEE us living.....but we don't do it for that reason, we do it precisely for the reasons you've identified yourself, to save our strength, sanity and even our lives.
You're no good to yourself or anyone else if you allow yourself to become unwell. You must come first. Once you get a sense that you've found some kind of balance about your relationship with him you'll know if you're able to give him some support, and if that's right for you. It'll be your good old HP telling you, just as it is now, so just keep listening to Him/Her/It....
Martin...just what I needed to hear...I am powerless over people, places, and things!!!! Guess I belong in most 12step groups. ;) There is a group in my town called MEA...most everything addict. ;) I love it and I sooooooooo belong.
I still have a few days before he gets home but I am planning to essentially say, "At this time I need to focus on my sobriety, my well being, and I will still love and support you at a distance. I hope you understand that this isn't a punishment...I am giving us both the gift to heal and take care of ourselves without distraction"....or something to that effect.
Thank you all for being here and listening,
I still have a few days before he gets home but I am planning to essentially say, "At this time I need to focus on my sobriety, my well being, and I will still love and support you at a distance. I hope you understand that this isn't a punishment...I am giving us both the gift to heal and take care of ourselves without distraction"....or something to that effect.
Thank you all for being here and listening,
Gidday Zipper
If the situation is scaring you and youre recovery be honest with youre friend and tell them as much as you feel you need to say so that you can get on with youre recovery and not worry about what they are thinking about youre absence and in turn they can get on with there recovery knowing that you are there and care and that you also need youre space:)
light and love Zac
If the situation is scaring you and youre recovery be honest with youre friend and tell them as much as you feel you need to say so that you can get on with youre recovery and not worry about what they are thinking about youre absence and in turn they can get on with there recovery knowing that you are there and care and that you also need youre space:)
light and love Zac
Hi Zipper,
I'm just catching up on the board. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I will keep you both in my prayers. I so believe in the power of prayer. It's not what we always want to hear. Not always in our timing. His will be done not mine.
Please protect your sobriety at all costs. Protect your mind, body and spirit. You to are sick in the process of getting well. The blind can't lead the blind. Let the experts help him. Let him know you care, but you are getting well yourself.
Most of us learned early on that we couldn't measure up to the expectations of others. One of my short comings knowing that I have fallen short of others expectations and the standard of God. Disappointing the people I love. Longing to be what I should be.
I've have all fallen short of helping others, including myself. By humbling myself to God and him alone. He is the one who removes my guilt, my sins as far from the east to the west. It's impossible to be everything to everyone. He knows our hearts he knows that you want to help, but that you need to get on helping yourself. Put yourself and your friend in the hands of God.
I'm just catching up on the board. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I will keep you both in my prayers. I so believe in the power of prayer. It's not what we always want to hear. Not always in our timing. His will be done not mine.
Please protect your sobriety at all costs. Protect your mind, body and spirit. You to are sick in the process of getting well. The blind can't lead the blind. Let the experts help him. Let him know you care, but you are getting well yourself.
Most of us learned early on that we couldn't measure up to the expectations of others. One of my short comings knowing that I have fallen short of others expectations and the standard of God. Disappointing the people I love. Longing to be what I should be.
I've have all fallen short of helping others, including myself. By humbling myself to God and him alone. He is the one who removes my guilt, my sins as far from the east to the west. It's impossible to be everything to everyone. He knows our hearts he knows that you want to help, but that you need to get on helping yourself. Put yourself and your friend in the hands of God.
