Taking Recovery For Granted.

Evening all. Things have been really hectic and scary in my little corner of the world. I have had a really hard time of it things these past weeks.

I have spent alot of time reflecting on my past, this is something that I don't usually tend to do but so much has changed for me lately that I am so eager to make sure I do the right things. I have been doing alot of worrying and projecting and I know that this isn't really a productive thing...at least not for me.

I think I came dangerously close to a real live relapse last week....I literally was trying to talk myself into going places that would destroy all that I have worked for.

I know I moved far away from my home group...my peeps...the ones that I so connected with and got sober with...went to Christmas parties with...played baseball with. It has been so hard to reconnect but I have not given up for no matter where you go in the world you can count on this program and it's principles to be the same. The people maybe different but the message is not. I was forgetting that.

I was thinking...."yes..I can go back out, just till I feel better and get my medicine". Then I started to freak out....thinking..."what if I can't come back in?" I played the tape...I called my sponsor....I was so lucky. I will try harder and stop acting like this is a "social club". I need help. I am not that strong.

I see now how much I have taken this program for granted. I see now that it is a fallacy to believe, like I always had, that I could always go back out and return to AA/NA. That AA/NA will always be there, but my ability to reach deep into may not be.

How many people has this program helped? How many lives has it saved? How many familys has it saved?

I am thankful that I had the knowledge I did, because I do not know if I would have reconized the problem in all it's uglyness with out it. My bottom could be a lot lower. I feel so deep in my heart for those who do not know, who have no idea of the love, and support, and help, and community so freely given.

I don't care what program anyone subscribes to, or even if they do. I am just sharing what has been a miracle in my life. I had 5 long hard years of killing my self...my spirit...my soul...I don't have to do that anymore and I am so much more at peace with my crazy a** life.

It's not really about the program....really...it is about NOT taking your recovery for granted...it seems like a no brainer. Be thankful for a healthy and drug free life tonight. Those of you still suffering....there is such hope and life for you....just reach out. It is a miracle.

Thanks for letting me vent tonight. I know I can always come here and spew out my thoughts....I love you guys.
A big hug for you, Kerri.
Whew! So glad you didn't go back out.
I think at one time or another we all wonder if there's one more run left in us.
NA will always be there, but will we? I'm afraid I wouldn't make it back.
The move was really hard on you, wasn't it? If I'm not mistaken, moving is one of the top five stressors for anyone, right next to divorce and death. (I can't recall the others) And you made a drastic move!
Take good care of yourself. You're the miracle, don't forget that.
xxxxooooo
QUOTE
I literally was trying to talk myself into going places that would destroy all that I have worked for.


Oh, those apparently irrelevant decisions...

Kerri, be proud of yourself for both having acquired those recovery tools and choosing to use them.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Transitions are high-risk situations and you've had a pretty big transition at a high-stress time of the year.

Take care of yourself.

Gina
xoxo
Kerri:

You are such an amazing example of recovery. When I start getting a little squirrely, I get back into the book. I always go back to Step One. I am powerless over drugs and when I start thinking that I have the power to use drugs, well, then I am back into self reliance and self reliance took me to a very lonely place. My hat is off to you for going to meetings in a new place. I know first hand how hard it is to go into a meeting cold without your cronies. I learn so much from you and I thank you for always sharing openly and honestly.

~Rachel
Kee Kee,

Thank you so much for sharing that. I've been going through a bit of a rough patch myself. Maybe it's just the holidays but I have had a lot of anxiety and some depression as well. I was just talking to my husband about this a few hours ago. One thing that's bothering me is that I haven't been to church in a while and I know I would feel so much better if I would get my lazy butt up and go. Anyway I'm glad to hear that you didn't relapse. Please keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.

Shelly
Kerri-
I don't even know if it's about taking the program for granted as much as you stop living in the now.For me it's real easy to think of the past when I was younger and my addiction hadn't become chronic and I could still have a great time without consequences.Or,to project in the future and become terrified over things I have no control over.Both situations create chaos for me and if I stay there too long I'm headed for the only way I've known to cope with things for years.
When things get too crazy for me Kerri I just have to get back to basics.Make sure I do my meditation each morning.Eat better.Get my exercise and maybe make more meetings......and live in today.

I'm not prescient enough to know exactly what you're going through but just taking a wild guess,it sounds like to me "growing pains".I know you are dealing with the sub thing so that may be something you want to talk about with your sponsor.I'm sure you have.Also,what about getting a local sponsor? I haven't found a new one myself so I can't really talk about that.LOL

Also,I think a lot of us are self concious about admitting that we're a mess.Man we're a bunch of addicts.Of course we are going to be a mess at times.You see all my maniacal threads I start.Life can suck and sitting around thinking we're supposed to be the Dali Lama 24/7 is total bullsh*t.I went surfing yesterday and I'm standing around visiting this chick I know and about 5 other surfers gather around and we're laughing & having a good time and this one dude pulls out a joint and starts toking.He passes it around and my knee-jerk reaction is to take a hit because I want to feel accepted.I HATE MARIJUANA.LOL....but in the past that was the way I bonded.On the drive home I'm like"WTF are you thinking? You're not 17 and this isn't high school."

I have to get up each day and make that contact with the Source that can help me stay out of self -deception one more day.Once I stop doing that it's because I've taken the controls again and that drive only goes one place and I sure as s*** don't want to go there.
Neither do you Kerri.


Kerri!

Congratulations for finding yourself and sitting yourself down! (Dr. John always sings: "gonna sit myself down, and give myself a good talkin' to)...*smile*

I could hear in your posts how you were struggling...I was so worried about you...but not really in a place to help anyone! I am so sorry I didn't email, but I was in the process of reaching out myself last week.

Of course, as always, you reach for a hand connected to this place, and whaddya know...there they are!

I am glad you went to a meeting, called your sponsor...took some action!

It is not so hard to begin thinking "what the hell", is it? We KNOW our answers aren't there...but, sometimes, answers aren't what we are interested in...

I can relate to your move stress...and I am here for you to commiserate with on that! You were in Paradise! and now, cold, frozen Canada???? BUT, you are back in the presence of the real sunshine...and that is Kearra! And, I cannot help but think, how lucky you are to have spent so much time in Hawaii to begin with. I have never been...you lived there, had the beach everyday! I know you made the most of it while you were there too!

Canada will thaw...and you and Kearra will enjoy beautiful sunny days again!

I am sending you love Kee Kee...and I am so proud of you!!!!

Love,

Sarah
Big Hug!
Kerri:

I am so happy for you. Also thanks for telling about s'thing that I know I still think about - you made it!!! and that will help the rest of us when we are where you were.

Thank you so much.
Becky
kee kee
did you receive the sub yet?
Yes Kee Kee,

Big hug to such a good person.
I'm proud of you KeeKee. You did play the tape all the way through. When we talked on the phone, I listened to you talking yourself out of it. You did what was suggested, you went to a meeting. That got you back on track. You can do this honey, do the taper, listen to your dr and get your butt to as many meetings as you can. You'll start to fit in and find people that will support you like you did in Hawaii. With your personality, that won't take long. (((hug)))
I so appreciate all the feedback. It is what keeps me coming here. That and all you witty people with your amazing sense's of humor. I am so on edge these days however, that doesn't mean that it will last forever. I have this way of catastrophizing every single event in my life. I need to stop doing that because experience has taught me that things usually work out okay and the way they are supposed to.

Yes I received a short fill and am awaiting the rest as we speak. It is hung up in customs. They are inspecting it...I am praying that there isn't going to be an issue. There I go catastrophizing again. LOL...I can't help myself. I am tired of all the drama regarding this stupid a** disease today. Some days it feels like it's all I am....an addict.

Have a good one everyone. Thanks again for all the support. You guys are just awesome.
Kee- I just thought of something. Do they have sub in Canada? Will they allow it into the country?
OH F***, yes Danny I know. I have read that it has been approved here but the manufacturer has yet to distribute it. We are dealing with the Canadian Government here so I am worried. I had a friend last week send out some of my remaining prescription. She F-EXD it no problem. However, she declared that it was a letter...because it was that too.

My hubby's friend sent this shipment because my friend was off Island for a few days. He sent it through his UPS account at work and put "prescription medicine" I am a little apprehensive, I called...it's been inspected and they are waiting for it to be released. This F'n problem is all consuming these past weeks and I am at the end of my rope with this crap. I am trying to remain calm and take it for what it is but it's not working!!!

I can see all these Canada Customs Officers standing around the package reading the bottle and madly looking up on the computer what it is. What a bunch of goofs!

Help! I am almost ready to say F- it and just cold turkey my way out of this but that scares me too. This is just wrong. I hate this crap...I detest this disease. This is the first time in over a year that this crap has been all consuming and it is a real reminder...a wake up call!!

What really makes me mad is that it is over 400.00 worth of medication. What if they don't allow it and throw it out!!!!
I know..I just thought of that..

They might intercept..

Has it been sitting there long?..

Not good..



Since Friday.

No movement at all since then. I am so pissed. I have this feeling.
Suboxone added to TPP medication list
Effective October 1, 2007, the TPP medication list is amended:
under Buprenorphine product brand name Subutex has been removed
under Buprenorphine product brand name Suboxone has been added

Rationale: Buprenorphine has been on the TPP medication list for some time with the example brand name Subutex. The manufacturer has since decided not to market Subutex in Canada; instead it is marketing Suboxone.

Suboxone is a combination of buprenorphine and naloxone indicated for substitution treatment in opioid dependence in adults. Suboxoneis expected to be available in Canada this fall.

As previously directed by Council, to prescribe buprenorphine in Alberta, a physician must:
hold a methadone exemption for dependence as a primary care prescriber, and
have completed specific buprenorphine training.
For more information, contact Clarence Weppler, Manager, Physician Prescribing Practices at cweppler@cpsa.ab.ca .


This is the article that I copied from the College of Physicians. I actually contacted this guy. He told me to go to a methodone clinic. Yeah Right! It has been approved. No one knows about though and I just don't have alot of faith in the Customs people. They are probably researching it. How sad?? I have a prescription dammit!! It's hard to do the right things when this is what happens. I just couldn't ask my husbands friend to lie.
Kee Kee:

If you go cold turkey...can you go into a facility for a few days...a detox, let them help you be comfortable, something??? anything???

Don't be scared Kee Kee. You ARE going to be alright either way. You are NOT going to use again to keep yourself from feeling some of the effects of withdrawal, which, I am sure would be less now, than when you first came off pain pills.

Maybe the sub comes, maybe it doesn't, whichever, give yourself over to the TRUTH that everything is as it should be. Know that you are being led to your highest and best use! You are...and look at the tools you have now that you didn't have then!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have the steps, you have a sponsor, you have meetings and you have us. You can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything is going to be okay! I promise!

Loving you.

Sarah

I agree with Sarah. If you dont get the sub, go in somewhere for a few days to help with the withdrawls.