What are you doing today to keep yourself emotionally healthy?Are there things you're stuffing that you need to talk about? (taken from tims post)
hey everyone, i am gonna take tims advice and talk about something instead of my usual behavior of stuffing things.
What are you doing today to keep yourself emotionally healthy?
1. my spirtuality
2.NA meetings, counseling,
starting stepwork as i look for a new sponsor.
3. setting boundaries
4. trying to stay detached
so heres whats going on today:
my husband has a girlfriend, or at least it appears that way....last march, my husband came home drunk and dropped his cell phone in the garage, we figured out the password and there was this message from melissa. "hi, yeah, lets go meet for that drink"
i call her number and she answers and i asked her if she knew that my husband was married? she immediately handed the phone to someone and it was my husband who answered! of course he denies the whole thing, he has tons of friends at this bar...blah, blah, blah, stay out of his business.
since march my husbands visits to the bar have increased, now they are 7 nights a week, the hour that he is coming home is getting later and later, Christmas morning he was home at about 6 am.
he wears his cellphone on his belt, everytime he gets into the truck his seat belt or whatever pushes the button on his keypad that dials our phone, the conversation is then recorded on the answer machine, and this woman is always in the truck with him. cant really make out what they are saying on the last phone call which was dec. 23, this call came back to the answer machine as clear, then broken up, clear, then muffled so cant tell what they are talking about.
i asked him about it last night when he sobered up and he denies it, i told him i have the evidence in black and white and you ae still gonna deny this??? oh, i have had many women in my car, i have LOTS of friends...... bull!
my husband does alcohol and (pot only when offered.) this makes me think of a drug deal but he doesnt do drugs, only if hes at a party and its offered.
he says the reason he didnt make it to my suprise 50th birthday party was because someone owed him 300 dollars, he had to wait at the bar to get paid, he's always making the excuse he has to go somewhere cuz someone owes him money. first of all he doesnt have money! we live from pay check to paycheck and always have to rob peter to pay paul. something fishy is going on.
i think his latest all night stays are that he is in a hotel, he usually says he was at a party and didnt want to drive home drunk. the reason i think this now is because he left a container of orange juice on the coffee table, by the looks of the container (foil lid) it looks like it came from a continental breakfast at a hotel or a type used in airline travel.
i have no more desire for this man, the 25 yrs of pain and the day i started to get clean made me open up my eyes and stop being in denial that my marriage is failing, i loved and adored this man at one time, but my getting clean drew us apart.
it is so difficult today, they say in NA not to be around people places and things where using is involved and i am abiding by that rule except for him. HE LIVES HERE!
i have learned to shut up with every snide remark and insult he throws my way.
i try to look at the situation as i have a nice house, all the comforts of home all the medical benefits i need to stay healthy, and i am a single mom with a paycheck that comes to me every wed.! he is a good provider and never has he denied us money or blown it on alcohol. so i will say one good thing about him. he is a good provider, never once has he hit or verbally abused our sons, he just emotionally abandons them as well as me and his daughter from his first marriage, his mom now deceased, his sister. he doesnt even know the names of his 4 grandchildren from his daughter!!!!!!!!
so what am i doing to improve this situation?? i am working 3 part time jobs, in hopes that one of them is gonna kick off and get busier so that i can become financially independant. i never built a good clientele in the beauty salon because i was using drugs, sick alot and off alot for all 5 surgeries and 2 rehabs. my clientele eventually went somewhere else cuz i am always sick, mostly mentally. took time off to detox too, there were days i had to call off cuz i was sooo depressed i couldnt even function. plus i struggle with the exhaustion and hypogylcemia that comes from having diabetes.
will i be able to swing it on my own and get the divorce i want??? i cant say, all i know is i am trying and praying that God will guide and direct my path.
why does this bother me when i have lost all love and respect for him?
could it be that one son says mom, i cant believe i came from him?
i guess it bothers me cuz it seems unfair what i have had to endure to get clean and he can go out party all he wants, get 3 dui's and he never has to face a consequence, then i get the girl friend issue like that never hurt him when his first wife cheated on him, he was so devastated he almost committed suicide when she left him, so he knows the pain, why put it on me???
i guess what really is bothering me is that i am trying SO HARD to work my program of recovery, be a better person, control diabetes and severe constipation from sub, juggle 3 jobs, keep my emmotions calm about my mom and dad problems,handle severe anxiety and panic attacks, all the duties of the household, yard and garbage included, balancing the checkbook and the bills, trying to continue to be a good example and mother to my 2 sons who help as much as they are able with college and jobs,
keep praying and try to be a good person and christian,
he knows how sick i am
he knows that i am in recovery
he refuses to do anything to support my recovery such as attend family self help meetings when i was in rehab
AND he refuses to lift one finger to help around the house, this weekend was spent lying on the couch, watching porn, watching tv, taking naps, eating and i am running around like a chicken with my head cut off!
then of course i am the b*tch cuz i am angry that he messes up the kitchen to cook after i just cleaned it, or i b*tch that the clean towels have been in 3 laundry baskets for over a week now, could you fold them??? he didnt lift one finger for the holiday, all he has to do is work 40 hours a week, nothing more. so i am angry, i want revenge, but revenge is mine sayeth the Lord, so i try to abide by God's rule on that one.
i pray that the stress will be lifted from me, i know stress is a big no no for a recovering addict, sometimes i get so scared because they say in NA you can relapse with out taking pills!
then i get myself all upset when i read those posts that sub is substituting one drug for the other, it binds to your receptors like concrete and all the horror stories of trying to jump off of sub.
i hope i made the right decision concerning sub, no wonder it feels so good cuz i am still getting my daily dose of an opiate! then i feel like a real failure...i try to look at it this way: it has to be a good thing because i no longer play my doctor, obsess about vicodin, no more counting pills and basing my feelings for the day concerning how much vicodin i have, no more jitters on refill day and worrrying if it went thru at the pharmacy, i have not used ANY mind altering or mood changing substances since july 11 other than the klonopin my doctor prescribed for severe anxiety in dec, i have tapered off of them and given the refill to my son to hide from me and dispense ONLY if i get in that shaky situtation again. man it felt soooooo good to not feel that awful anxiety while on the klonopin...but here we go again those thoughts are what get me in trouble!
so nipped that problem in the bud!
i am trying guys, i am so trying.... but i am so physically and mentally exhausted...... thanks for listening julie-jewels-k-9lover-jewlsander1021
Take care of you.
It's that simple. You do what you need to do to stay clean and sober,
I am so sorry that you're going through so much pain in your life.
Cowgirl
It's that simple. You do what you need to do to stay clean and sober,
I am so sorry that you're going through so much pain in your life.
Cowgirl
thanks lisa for your reply... your right i need to focus on ME! something i never learned how to do very well. its so easy to abandon me. forgot to mention that i am in recovery for co-dependancy too, i beat myself up too much, i have made so much progress..... and there are days like today when i feel these negative feelings, i guess having a cold and fever right now isn't helping things either.
i learned so much about how co dependant i am, and that is when our marriage started to fail when i made the necessary changes that needed to be made for my mental health.
melody...??? her book co dependant no more is the BEST! i swear she is talking about me.
i had to call off work at the nursing home today, i work mondays there styling the residents hair, i was gonna go in despite how sick i am, but i got to thinking about 101 yr old margret and all the other cuties there, dont want to spread any nasty germs to them, pneumonia is a killer for the elderly.
so lisa do you work as a hair stylist now? julie
i learned so much about how co dependant i am, and that is when our marriage started to fail when i made the necessary changes that needed to be made for my mental health.
melody...??? her book co dependant no more is the BEST! i swear she is talking about me.
i had to call off work at the nursing home today, i work mondays there styling the residents hair, i was gonna go in despite how sick i am, but i got to thinking about 101 yr old margret and all the other cuties there, dont want to spread any nasty germs to them, pneumonia is a killer for the elderly.
so lisa do you work as a hair stylist now? julie
have you tried working out.............drinking more water.......
remember your brain needs water..........
taking walks, some time for YOU.............
love u jewels...........
thumper
edit.............i want to say more about your husband, but like you already said..
vengence is for the Lord......
he is toxic for you.........
God Bless you jewels..........
since you know that this may be a drawn out process, then i would try and figure out a way to make YOU feel better.........
i think that working out and exercising may benefit you mental health and you will reap the benefits physically.............
thumper
your posts are sooo adorable, that betty boop... my boss at plaza designs is betty and betty boop is everywhere at work!!!!!
your advise is absolutely correct! ive always known that exercise is the answer!!! but i hate it i absolutely hate it! i wish i enjoyed it, i had a membership at a medical facility that treats my diabetes and i was so faithful in exercising, met a lot of nice people and somehow i was able to focus on the exercise i needed to do.... but then after of year of being faithful i noticed that no one changed, we all looked the same after all the sweating etc. we did, i even asked the nurse there why? and she said it is because you stayed at the same level and everyone needed to increase.... i found that to be so discouraging. eventually that facility closed :( worse thing for me because i was searching for a new gym that offered that atmosphere, went to golds gym, it was a meat market, stuck up people, stuck on themselves who couldnt even give you a smile.....
so i got a membership at the park district here, where i thought it would be cool to have an excercise buddy.... my son, 600 dollars a year for the both of us to be debited out of my account, where do i sign???? 3 weeks after being in the program, i got the kidney stone, surgery, hospitalization etc and we NEVER RETURNED!!! i am so ashamed that i wasted 600 dollars, my son went on to get a job and i lost interest....
one day i am at the thrift store, wow! an exercise bike for 10 dollars!!! its in my basement collecting dust as well as the treadmill that i ended up giving to someone free cuz i needed the space.
ok.... what else could i do?? walk my dogs!!! cant control 3 at a time, and if you take only one at a time, i am soo weak i give up because the other dogs cry when i leave without them, even if i put them in another room they know!!!
so i cant enjoy the walk knowing my other 2 are at home upset, isnt that ridiculous??? so i thought i had the answer the boys can come with me!!! that worked well for awhile, each of us had a dog! but ginger is 12 and she gives up during the long walk and my sons were like come on mom, she doesnt want to walk anymore, so i get a wagon!!! free on someones curb! hey great idea, when ginger gives up i will put her in the wagon to finish our walk, guess what wagon is too small the miniature version is it radio flyer??? anyway, shes too big! it was hysterical, you should of seen me trying to get her to fit in this wagon with out tipping over! boys are working now and in college so those days are getting fewer and fewer. so what else can i do, ride my bike!!!! the seat hurts my butt bone so bad i am in agony! ok last resort here, walk around the block, that worked ok for awhile and then i got busy and could only do it at night, then i got scared being out there by myself... boston strangler,ted bundy... oooh! i had myself terrified, so i BEGGED my son to accompany me, that was like pulling teeth as he is involved in a video game at the time of my request! so i have tried and i know its the answer, i will have to put it in the good Lords hand thru prayer, right now i have a terrible cold, bronchitis and a fever, i called dr for an antibiotic,
thumper i was reading some of the sub threads.... and i wondered.....are you on sub? stephy is too right???? i have always had mixed feelings about this drug.... jewels
your posts are sooo adorable, that betty boop... my boss at plaza designs is betty and betty boop is everywhere at work!!!!!
your advise is absolutely correct! ive always known that exercise is the answer!!! but i hate it i absolutely hate it! i wish i enjoyed it, i had a membership at a medical facility that treats my diabetes and i was so faithful in exercising, met a lot of nice people and somehow i was able to focus on the exercise i needed to do.... but then after of year of being faithful i noticed that no one changed, we all looked the same after all the sweating etc. we did, i even asked the nurse there why? and she said it is because you stayed at the same level and everyone needed to increase.... i found that to be so discouraging. eventually that facility closed :( worse thing for me because i was searching for a new gym that offered that atmosphere, went to golds gym, it was a meat market, stuck up people, stuck on themselves who couldnt even give you a smile.....
so i got a membership at the park district here, where i thought it would be cool to have an excercise buddy.... my son, 600 dollars a year for the both of us to be debited out of my account, where do i sign???? 3 weeks after being in the program, i got the kidney stone, surgery, hospitalization etc and we NEVER RETURNED!!! i am so ashamed that i wasted 600 dollars, my son went on to get a job and i lost interest....
one day i am at the thrift store, wow! an exercise bike for 10 dollars!!! its in my basement collecting dust as well as the treadmill that i ended up giving to someone free cuz i needed the space.
ok.... what else could i do?? walk my dogs!!! cant control 3 at a time, and if you take only one at a time, i am soo weak i give up because the other dogs cry when i leave without them, even if i put them in another room they know!!!
so i cant enjoy the walk knowing my other 2 are at home upset, isnt that ridiculous??? so i thought i had the answer the boys can come with me!!! that worked well for awhile, each of us had a dog! but ginger is 12 and she gives up during the long walk and my sons were like come on mom, she doesnt want to walk anymore, so i get a wagon!!! free on someones curb! hey great idea, when ginger gives up i will put her in the wagon to finish our walk, guess what wagon is too small the miniature version is it radio flyer??? anyway, shes too big! it was hysterical, you should of seen me trying to get her to fit in this wagon with out tipping over! boys are working now and in college so those days are getting fewer and fewer. so what else can i do, ride my bike!!!! the seat hurts my butt bone so bad i am in agony! ok last resort here, walk around the block, that worked ok for awhile and then i got busy and could only do it at night, then i got scared being out there by myself... boston strangler,ted bundy... oooh! i had myself terrified, so i BEGGED my son to accompany me, that was like pulling teeth as he is involved in a video game at the time of my request! so i have tried and i know its the answer, i will have to put it in the good Lords hand thru prayer, right now i have a terrible cold, bronchitis and a fever, i called dr for an antibiotic,
thumper i was reading some of the sub threads.... and i wondered.....are you on sub? stephy is too right???? i have always had mixed feelings about this drug.... jewels
Hey Jewls...relax you are gonna be alright..you are doing all the right things! I have to tell you that your story very closely resembles mine. I am also on the sub...and worry the same worries you do. I also am in a miserable marriage....we don't even sleep in the same part of the house....I just don't know if we will make it. We are going to counselling...but you know what....I am not sure if I even want to go....man its always something.....get off the drugs and life becomes into focus....
My husbutt does not have a girlfriend or spend endless hours at the neighborhood pub...jewls....I would kick his @ss out...at the very least you need to get some legal advice as to what your options are regarding spousal support.
We are just very different people and we just don't really do anything...we are like roomates..there really is not intimacy or love...for god sakes he was my dealer!! I am sure he would perhaps prefer me drugged up....like I was most days...I did say or do much one way or the other while in that state....now he has to deal with stuff....so complicated because we are here in hawaii...where i plan on never leaving...its complicated to say the least but not hopeless....please dont allow anyone to walk over you...you should at the very least be treated with dignity and respect!!!
My husbutt does not have a girlfriend or spend endless hours at the neighborhood pub...jewls....I would kick his @ss out...at the very least you need to get some legal advice as to what your options are regarding spousal support.
We are just very different people and we just don't really do anything...we are like roomates..there really is not intimacy or love...for god sakes he was my dealer!! I am sure he would perhaps prefer me drugged up....like I was most days...I did say or do much one way or the other while in that state....now he has to deal with stuff....so complicated because we are here in hawaii...where i plan on never leaving...its complicated to say the least but not hopeless....please dont allow anyone to walk over you...you should at the very least be treated with dignity and respect!!!
Jewels,
Nothing is more fulfilling to the brain than natural endorphins. Exercise as much as you can and yes, drink lots of water. Your brain will love you....much better than antidepressant pills...
Nothing is more fulfilling to the brain than natural endorphins. Exercise as much as you can and yes, drink lots of water. Your brain will love you....much better than antidepressant pills...
no jewels.............i am not on sub............
i am on AIR.............lol
02 and H20.............
ha ha
stephy is on sub and it has helped her out so much..............
she is doing wonderful on it..........
i was considering going on an AD but i think i am gonna be fine ,
without it..................
i think exersice is the key to life..........
i think when you sit around and think to much it can kill you...slowly...
even just turing up loud music and dancing for an hour will help........
but you have to do for an half hour or and hour...............
and you must have balance...........
you can even start by just sitting a room by yourself for an hour, with the tv and everthing off and listen to beautiful music or in silence...........
try and clam your spirit down.........
either with by realsing it with physical exercise or my meditation .....
people have diferrent ways to bring their selves back to being centered........
i say go for a walk by yourself and leave the babies at home....
i do............winnie is fine and i will be right back.............
while your walking take big deep breaths and blow them out slowing through your mouth and smile at the beautiul nature.......
nature is so healing for me............
thumper
i am on AIR.............lol
02 and H20.............
ha ha
stephy is on sub and it has helped her out so much..............
she is doing wonderful on it..........
i was considering going on an AD but i think i am gonna be fine ,
without it..................
i think exersice is the key to life..........
i think when you sit around and think to much it can kill you...slowly...
even just turing up loud music and dancing for an hour will help........
but you have to do for an half hour or and hour...............
and you must have balance...........
you can even start by just sitting a room by yourself for an hour, with the tv and everthing off and listen to beautiful music or in silence...........
try and clam your spirit down.........
either with by realsing it with physical exercise or my meditation .....
people have diferrent ways to bring their selves back to being centered........
i say go for a walk by yourself and leave the babies at home....
i do............winnie is fine and i will be right back.............
while your walking take big deep breaths and blow them out slowing through your mouth and smile at the beautiul nature.......
nature is so healing for me............
thumper
I hope that you had a chance to read what KeeKee said Jewels...you may want to get some legal advice. He doesn't deserve you and your life would be so much better without all of that crap.
In the meantime I'm glad to hear that you know you have to take care of you. Pamper yourself after that walk....do your toes..lol
Yes, I am a stylist but currently not working because of my surgery. I'll go back to work next month though...that's so cute that you work on seniors like that. They must love you!
Take care
Lisa
In the meantime I'm glad to hear that you know you have to take care of you. Pamper yourself after that walk....do your toes..lol
Yes, I am a stylist but currently not working because of my surgery. I'll go back to work next month though...that's so cute that you work on seniors like that. They must love you!
Take care
Lisa
Agree with everyone who says take care of yourself. You have nothing but a healthy, proud future ahead of you. Get that divorce. Your husband will lose all appeal once he is not a "married man" and once his income is cut in half due to alimony. He WILL pay for his actions. And you will GAIN from yours. Divorce is never an easy road, but its usually the most direct one to a happier future.
Hey there
its obvious your suffering a great deal and for that Im sorry..
On top of all that you are dealing with the last thing you need to be worrying about it that your going to relapse without even taking any pills..
WHAT? Who on earth told you that??? What do they mean by that...it sounds like they are saying you can be outside going for a walk and BANG, youve relapsed....Dont you hate it when that happens ?? lol
For goodness sake honey dont let that worry you..if you stay away from pills and your not using alcohol to escape then you dont need to worry your suddenly going to relapse..not like spontaneous combustion anyways..
Im sorry but your husband sounds like a big jerk///but thats not news to you...
When you went through his good points you stated that he is a good provider but elsewhere you state that he has to pay peter to pay paul...maybe your being too generous to use good provider as a positive...
Besides a good provider doesnt just provide money, they provide a soft place to fall, a good Father, a good husband..they provide a good home atmosphere by being a good example and a leader in the family...all things he seems to lack..
Not hitting you can hardly be listed under his greatest attributes...dont kid yourself, you may not be getting bruises on the outside, but hes causing you just as much harm as if he were...emotional battery is real and its just as bad if not worse cus it lasts longer then bruises do....emotional scars are so much harder to heal...
Only you can decide where you have to go from here, just how much you can tolerate and at what price....
keep posting and know that everyone here is rooting for you to continue the journey to freedom and inner peace...
Hugs
Ali
its obvious your suffering a great deal and for that Im sorry..
On top of all that you are dealing with the last thing you need to be worrying about it that your going to relapse without even taking any pills..
WHAT? Who on earth told you that??? What do they mean by that...it sounds like they are saying you can be outside going for a walk and BANG, youve relapsed....Dont you hate it when that happens ?? lol
For goodness sake honey dont let that worry you..if you stay away from pills and your not using alcohol to escape then you dont need to worry your suddenly going to relapse..not like spontaneous combustion anyways..
Im sorry but your husband sounds like a big jerk///but thats not news to you...
When you went through his good points you stated that he is a good provider but elsewhere you state that he has to pay peter to pay paul...maybe your being too generous to use good provider as a positive...
Besides a good provider doesnt just provide money, they provide a soft place to fall, a good Father, a good husband..they provide a good home atmosphere by being a good example and a leader in the family...all things he seems to lack..
Not hitting you can hardly be listed under his greatest attributes...dont kid yourself, you may not be getting bruises on the outside, but hes causing you just as much harm as if he were...emotional battery is real and its just as bad if not worse cus it lasts longer then bruises do....emotional scars are so much harder to heal...
Only you can decide where you have to go from here, just how much you can tolerate and at what price....
keep posting and know that everyone here is rooting for you to continue the journey to freedom and inner peace...
Hugs
Ali
Jewels, I have to agree with all the advice given. He sounds like a real jerk; and I can understand the financial reasons for staying. However, I hate to see women waste time like that, and also suffer blows to your self esteem. Even though you say you don't care, it has got to hurt. It does chip away at you.
So why not stand up for yourself and go? Look at all you have accomplished so far. You are doing it by yourself anyway; you will feel so much better when you don't have to look at his lying a**. Trust me on this.
You are worth happiness. Put yourself first and get that divorce.
As far as exersize, I think it is just as important as meetings for sobriety. It clears your head, and gives you more energy. It is so beneficial for us; it is a new high....so make that a huge priority for yourself.
Are your kids still at home? I don't know your financial situation, but I did it with small children. I was doing it all anyway....and finally giving myself that respect back was huge. You will make it...something will come along. Ask the universe to send you what you need, and believe that it is on it's way. Become a vibrational match to better, and kick his a** to the curb.
You can do this.
So why not stand up for yourself and go? Look at all you have accomplished so far. You are doing it by yourself anyway; you will feel so much better when you don't have to look at his lying a**. Trust me on this.
You are worth happiness. Put yourself first and get that divorce.
As far as exersize, I think it is just as important as meetings for sobriety. It clears your head, and gives you more energy. It is so beneficial for us; it is a new high....so make that a huge priority for yourself.
Are your kids still at home? I don't know your financial situation, but I did it with small children. I was doing it all anyway....and finally giving myself that respect back was huge. You will make it...something will come along. Ask the universe to send you what you need, and believe that it is on it's way. Become a vibrational match to better, and kick his a** to the curb.
You can do this.
hello guys.... thanks for all the caring words, the wonderful advice... for all the people who posted back to me.... see? this is the work of the Holy Spirit once again. i can always see the good works of the Lord in my life. and guess what ? i fail Him. i am full of fear.... and that is one thing that a good christian doesn't do is fear, i am supposed to keep strong in my faith to quench the evil one....
guys i am not in a good place right now.... i thought i had all the tools in my tool box to fight life and i feel like i am going under..... see? my lack of faith. bothers me so much.
i am sooooo sick with an awful cold and bronchitis, fever, chills, aches.... last thurs at my counseling appt, my therapist said she would not sit too close to me as she said she was sick with a terrible cold!... she had a pile of used kleenexes next to her as she must of blown her nose 12 times! well guess what? despite my efforts to not touch my nose or mouth and wash my hands after our session, next day friday i awaken to a sore throat... i love her dearly, first counselor i have ever clicked with and trust...but i am so angry that i am sick, i asked the doctor today could i have caught it that fast from her and he said quite possible.maybe thats where all these negative feelings are coming from.... i feel so sick.... just had to come here and post back, look how late it is and i have not been able to find any strength today to take care of me. i have cried a river, seen my doctor, waited an hour for script of zithromyacin to be filled, helped my son put away Christmas decorations cuz my beauty shop is not accessible with all the "stuff " that needs to be put away and i have clients tomorrow... you know what...? julie i am so ashamed of you... i am going to go to bed, cancel tomorrows appts and post my response to all you lovely people when i feel better. i dont know why i push myself to the limits.... and abandon me???? my co dependancy is still lurking.... guys i am so SCARED!!!!! i am so afraid that i cant swing it on my own financially. enough for tonight julie, one day at a time, one problem at a time. good nite. julie
guys i am not in a good place right now.... i thought i had all the tools in my tool box to fight life and i feel like i am going under..... see? my lack of faith. bothers me so much.
i am sooooo sick with an awful cold and bronchitis, fever, chills, aches.... last thurs at my counseling appt, my therapist said she would not sit too close to me as she said she was sick with a terrible cold!... she had a pile of used kleenexes next to her as she must of blown her nose 12 times! well guess what? despite my efforts to not touch my nose or mouth and wash my hands after our session, next day friday i awaken to a sore throat... i love her dearly, first counselor i have ever clicked with and trust...but i am so angry that i am sick, i asked the doctor today could i have caught it that fast from her and he said quite possible.maybe thats where all these negative feelings are coming from.... i feel so sick.... just had to come here and post back, look how late it is and i have not been able to find any strength today to take care of me. i have cried a river, seen my doctor, waited an hour for script of zithromyacin to be filled, helped my son put away Christmas decorations cuz my beauty shop is not accessible with all the "stuff " that needs to be put away and i have clients tomorrow... you know what...? julie i am so ashamed of you... i am going to go to bed, cancel tomorrows appts and post my response to all you lovely people when i feel better. i dont know why i push myself to the limits.... and abandon me???? my co dependancy is still lurking.... guys i am so SCARED!!!!! i am so afraid that i cant swing it on my own financially. enough for tonight julie, one day at a time, one problem at a time. good nite. julie
Julie-I might have a different faith than you do but one thing we seem to have in common is a faith in a Higher Power.It's time to get out of the drivers seat.
Take action on the things you can change...like taking care of yourself physically and then turn the rest over.Don't just give it lip service either.
God never abandons us.We assume in a moment of madness that we can do a much better job.Everytime my life starts going to sh*t,it's usually because my self will is running riot.Everything becomes about me and why can't the world see my importance?
Maybe you made a mistake with with your choice of a partner?
BFD..........I've done it more than I care to share on a public forum.
That situation can be corrected rather swiftly.
Afraid of being alone?.........get a dog.During the interm you can grow and figure out why you need an appendage to be complete.After the life experience of knowing you can take care of yourself in every way,God will put someone in your life that deserves you.It will be a partner and not an additional crisis.
I hope when you get up today you will have more clarity.Sobriety is not always a picnic.Life's lessons that many learn at more appropriate times in their lives,we chose to anesthesize.
Its kind of like growing up in public with your pants down around your ankles.
But the alternative is missing out on life completely.
I like this party better.
You are doing awesome even if you don't think so.
Good Morning
Take action on the things you can change...like taking care of yourself physically and then turn the rest over.Don't just give it lip service either.
God never abandons us.We assume in a moment of madness that we can do a much better job.Everytime my life starts going to sh*t,it's usually because my self will is running riot.Everything becomes about me and why can't the world see my importance?
Maybe you made a mistake with with your choice of a partner?
BFD..........I've done it more than I care to share on a public forum.
That situation can be corrected rather swiftly.
Afraid of being alone?.........get a dog.During the interm you can grow and figure out why you need an appendage to be complete.After the life experience of knowing you can take care of yourself in every way,God will put someone in your life that deserves you.It will be a partner and not an additional crisis.
I hope when you get up today you will have more clarity.Sobriety is not always a picnic.Life's lessons that many learn at more appropriate times in their lives,we chose to anesthesize.
Its kind of like growing up in public with your pants down around your ankles.
But the alternative is missing out on life completely.
I like this party better.
You are doing awesome even if you don't think so.
Good Morning
Julie,
Got a kick out of the story of the dog in the wagon (or rather not in). It reminded me of my daughter who tried to take 2 dogs biking. One was on a device you hook to the bike and other was in a backpack. When the little dog in the backpack got excited, he'd bark and you haven't lived until you have a dog bark directly into your ear. The other dog kept pulling the bike where he wanted to go. Needless to say, it didn't work out. Have you ever watched The Dog Whisperer on National Geo channel? There are a LOAD of good hints to get dogs to obey better. I think you'd love it.
I applaud your stab at financial independence. It's a good step toward ultimately being able to be on your own. I think you're wise to put off taking that freedom step until you can accumulate a decent amount of money. Love and prayers, honey.
Got a kick out of the story of the dog in the wagon (or rather not in). It reminded me of my daughter who tried to take 2 dogs biking. One was on a device you hook to the bike and other was in a backpack. When the little dog in the backpack got excited, he'd bark and you haven't lived until you have a dog bark directly into your ear. The other dog kept pulling the bike where he wanted to go. Needless to say, it didn't work out. Have you ever watched The Dog Whisperer on National Geo channel? There are a LOAD of good hints to get dogs to obey better. I think you'd love it.
I applaud your stab at financial independence. It's a good step toward ultimately being able to be on your own. I think you're wise to put off taking that freedom step until you can accumulate a decent amount of money. Love and prayers, honey.
Dear Julie:
I hate to give advice on divorce, because divorce is hell...I speak from experience. But one thing I know for sure is this: You will do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself and your family once you take that step towards independence. You cannot see "how" right now, but...we are not equipped with the power to see the future, are we?
The faith you have in the Lord is the same kind of faith you should have in you. As, I am sure, you believe, you are an extension of him.
Independence isn't easy, but it is the same kind of thing that sobriety is...ultimately, there is no other feeling like it.
Your husband sounds like a really crappy friend. Christmas morning at 6AM, couldn't make your milestone 50th birthday. Not good. No wonder you are having panic attacks, anxiety and self doubt. Honey, if you ever can take that step for yourself, I have a strong feeling you will never look back.
I hope you feel better, and I hope you get some advice from a lawyer before you do anything.
Peace.
Sarah
I hate to give advice on divorce, because divorce is hell...I speak from experience. But one thing I know for sure is this: You will do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself and your family once you take that step towards independence. You cannot see "how" right now, but...we are not equipped with the power to see the future, are we?
The faith you have in the Lord is the same kind of faith you should have in you. As, I am sure, you believe, you are an extension of him.
Independence isn't easy, but it is the same kind of thing that sobriety is...ultimately, there is no other feeling like it.
Your husband sounds like a really crappy friend. Christmas morning at 6AM, couldn't make your milestone 50th birthday. Not good. No wonder you are having panic attacks, anxiety and self doubt. Honey, if you ever can take that step for yourself, I have a strong feeling you will never look back.
I hope you feel better, and I hope you get some advice from a lawyer before you do anything.
Peace.
Sarah
good morning everyone!
i just got up and decided to do those 2 haircuts today and then will rest for the next few days before all the chaos hits again.
man this cold is a doozy! but have to say today is a new day and have 3 antibiotics in me so far..
i want to answer everyones questions from my thread.......
kee kee, you understand??? thank you, my son is studying physchology, he is very familar with mental disorders because that is all he has heard is whole life depression, ocd, ptss, panic/anxiety etc. i have done my homework and found out alot! my maternal side of the family suffered these disorders too. so i know alot of it is genetic. my son seems to think that i am currently suffering from some deep seeded past regressions. my inability to stop resenting people for past pain they inflicted on me. i have NEVER forgotton but i need to, i told my therapist that i have a "library" one could go thru and read all the documentations i have of certain situations that have occurred. i guess i felt that i need this "ammunition" as i am always having to defend myself if so and so from my family were to say:"no, no thats not what happened " or "i am afraid you've got your facts wrong" its all been documented and the hurtful emails have been copied and filed. is that sick or what? i never realized how wrong this behavior was, my therapist says no wonder you cant forget the past, you are still hanging on to it, LET IT GO! so i will take my library, journals on my feelings, letters to my parents trying so hard to get them to know me and under stand me, Letters that reflect to them the pain and suffering i endured growing up and BURN It!
so the next thing is getting rid of the chaos and get my house back to order. better organization, things that i ignored when i was using. been having some evidence of back pain that is always treated with an adjustment, but this time i still am plagued with a sore back, doctor says that he can feel all the tension in my muscles and would i like to let the massage therapist start giving me massages! first i said NO! i was like there is no way i will be able to relax and enjoy it,my fear of intimacy and touch is a major issue when it comes to the opposite sex. when i say intimacy i mean the situtation ... its private, its touching me, its everything i guess! he said would i feel better with a woman masseus. i said no and decided to face my fears, now that i have had time to think about it i think this might be a good plan, doctor has sucessfully treated me before for anxiety related breathing problems., my muscles were so tense in my thoracic region that i could not get my lungs to expand to get a new full breath of air. it was awful, went to the er and they said you have asthma and treated it as such. well those central nervous stimulants were awful! they increased my anxiety even more!
so the chiropractor put me on the table for my very first adjustment in life and pressed his hands on the thoracic area of my spinal region and snap crackle pop! everything was out of alignment and i could breathe!!!! i dont know what might have happened had i never met this one certain chiropractor... i have been going to him for years.
i wanna post this and finish the rest of it so it doesnt get lost in cyberspace as atlas would say. gotta go do those 2 hair cuts. be back soon! julie, one time i left an ufinished post and when i went to send it it wouldnt. so heres part one! .
i just got up and decided to do those 2 haircuts today and then will rest for the next few days before all the chaos hits again.
man this cold is a doozy! but have to say today is a new day and have 3 antibiotics in me so far..
i want to answer everyones questions from my thread.......
kee kee, you understand??? thank you, my son is studying physchology, he is very familar with mental disorders because that is all he has heard is whole life depression, ocd, ptss, panic/anxiety etc. i have done my homework and found out alot! my maternal side of the family suffered these disorders too. so i know alot of it is genetic. my son seems to think that i am currently suffering from some deep seeded past regressions. my inability to stop resenting people for past pain they inflicted on me. i have NEVER forgotton but i need to, i told my therapist that i have a "library" one could go thru and read all the documentations i have of certain situations that have occurred. i guess i felt that i need this "ammunition" as i am always having to defend myself if so and so from my family were to say:"no, no thats not what happened " or "i am afraid you've got your facts wrong" its all been documented and the hurtful emails have been copied and filed. is that sick or what? i never realized how wrong this behavior was, my therapist says no wonder you cant forget the past, you are still hanging on to it, LET IT GO! so i will take my library, journals on my feelings, letters to my parents trying so hard to get them to know me and under stand me, Letters that reflect to them the pain and suffering i endured growing up and BURN It!
so the next thing is getting rid of the chaos and get my house back to order. better organization, things that i ignored when i was using. been having some evidence of back pain that is always treated with an adjustment, but this time i still am plagued with a sore back, doctor says that he can feel all the tension in my muscles and would i like to let the massage therapist start giving me massages! first i said NO! i was like there is no way i will be able to relax and enjoy it,my fear of intimacy and touch is a major issue when it comes to the opposite sex. when i say intimacy i mean the situtation ... its private, its touching me, its everything i guess! he said would i feel better with a woman masseus. i said no and decided to face my fears, now that i have had time to think about it i think this might be a good plan, doctor has sucessfully treated me before for anxiety related breathing problems., my muscles were so tense in my thoracic region that i could not get my lungs to expand to get a new full breath of air. it was awful, went to the er and they said you have asthma and treated it as such. well those central nervous stimulants were awful! they increased my anxiety even more!
so the chiropractor put me on the table for my very first adjustment in life and pressed his hands on the thoracic area of my spinal region and snap crackle pop! everything was out of alignment and i could breathe!!!! i dont know what might have happened had i never met this one certain chiropractor... i have been going to him for years.
i wanna post this and finish the rest of it so it doesnt get lost in cyberspace as atlas would say. gotta go do those 2 hair cuts. be back soon! julie, one time i left an ufinished post and when i went to send it it wouldnt. so heres part one! .
Take your time..and get it all out...however scroll up a few posts and read and re-read what TIM wrote!
That spoke to me in volumes....Tim amazing posts...you so have a way that speaks to me....Julie...read honey...
Talk to you soon
That spoke to me in volumes....Tim amazing posts...you so have a way that speaks to me....Julie...read honey...
Talk to you soon
hi guys
just woke up from a wonderful and much needed 3 hour nap, i INSISTED to myself and family that i would take care of me today and rest to get over this really bad cold/bronchitis. i was able to slow down my anxious self and do something good for me. i am finished on my taper down from klonopin and its over... miss it terribly, but no cravings thank God!
man my addictive mind keeps telling me, that was so good for you, it relaxed you, it made you feel more calmer...so glad i learned to turn the bottle over to my son.
ok where did i leave off.... a good thought occured to me today, i was reflecting on the gratitude i have on this addictions forum and the wonderful intelligent people that i have met, i tell everyone, i have a friend in hawaii, arizona, michigan, louisiana, georgia, calif, where do you live atlas and tim??? hope i didnt forget anyone, i know i did if i forgot to mention your state it is because i simply forgot where you live... didnt forget you though cant forget ali cap and little beach either or donna two or lisa or sayruh, bikeman petsmom who else?? i afraid i am forgetting someone and believe me i thank God for each person who posted back to me. anyway i was thinking our friendships are so special, how we met, what we discuss and we should be on oprah, a topic i dont know if she has ever televised, but it sure would make for an interesting topic and that way we could all meet one another on the show, that union itself would be of great interest, to try and visualize someone via internet then to see them in person!!!!!and to be able to give that person in cyberspace a hug and say thank you, the best we can do now is ((((hugs)))).. my panic anxiety has this stupid control over me still and i think i could make it to chicago, isnt that where she is out of??? flying....NO WAY!!! not strong enough to attempt that one yet, but at least i said yet, before it was never! you guys must think i am crazy , just a thought i was thinking about.
thumper suggests good exercise and nutritioun as well as bikemans comment on natural endorphins... so very true .
legal advice was mentioned, years ago i went for a free consultation with a divorce lawyer and was given so info to ponder on and thats as far as i could take it then was to just ponder... but today i need to do that again and take action, tim i hope its never just lip service, i dont ever want it to go to just lip service, but i am sooo SCARED!.... spousal support would be fantastic but would i be able to swing it on my own? its been almost 30 years since i was self supportive. i hope you not think me selfish i know my happiness and health our at stake, but i want to be able to stay HERE. why? 25 years of all my hard work and love are put into a flower garden which takes years to mature and every year that passes shows me the benefits of my labors. nature.... i have beautiful nature here, i have a chipmunk friend named "chippy" who lives under my porch, he has been here for a few years now. sassafrass my squirrel friend.... mr and mrs mallard duck who come every year because i live near a retention pond. many more reasons to list,buti know i can ramble so back to the point.
cowgirl: i love my senior citizen friends i have made and once again i just said the word friends, the Holy Spirit has put me there in a nursing home. i go on cigarette breaks with a resident phyliss, shes like 82, shes in a wheel chair outside in sub zero weather puffing away! i would half to say half of her day is spent outside on the patio smoking, she has to get herself thru doors that have to be opened manually, plus another door and make sure shes pushed the button that disables the alarm too! shes amazes me! she's like julie? do you have an extra lighter in your purse??? sure i do, i said.
when i arrive at the facility word gets out fast among the residents that i am there. can you imagine no hair care since july???? it is so gratifying for me, if you could see before and after photos of these people today. one thing bothers me, i have yet to see any money, they were in a process of an administrator leaving, an interim arriving, now a the permanent one. i arrived there right at this point so there has been so much confusion as to where is my money???? i keep saying patience julie, all the wrinkles will get ironed out, but if they dont then i am afraid you will see a post of no more nursing home! time out, son just brought me arby's for dinner, i will post this as it is getting long. see you in a few!
just woke up from a wonderful and much needed 3 hour nap, i INSISTED to myself and family that i would take care of me today and rest to get over this really bad cold/bronchitis. i was able to slow down my anxious self and do something good for me. i am finished on my taper down from klonopin and its over... miss it terribly, but no cravings thank God!
man my addictive mind keeps telling me, that was so good for you, it relaxed you, it made you feel more calmer...so glad i learned to turn the bottle over to my son.
ok where did i leave off.... a good thought occured to me today, i was reflecting on the gratitude i have on this addictions forum and the wonderful intelligent people that i have met, i tell everyone, i have a friend in hawaii, arizona, michigan, louisiana, georgia, calif, where do you live atlas and tim??? hope i didnt forget anyone, i know i did if i forgot to mention your state it is because i simply forgot where you live... didnt forget you though cant forget ali cap and little beach either or donna two or lisa or sayruh, bikeman petsmom who else?? i afraid i am forgetting someone and believe me i thank God for each person who posted back to me. anyway i was thinking our friendships are so special, how we met, what we discuss and we should be on oprah, a topic i dont know if she has ever televised, but it sure would make for an interesting topic and that way we could all meet one another on the show, that union itself would be of great interest, to try and visualize someone via internet then to see them in person!!!!!and to be able to give that person in cyberspace a hug and say thank you, the best we can do now is ((((hugs)))).. my panic anxiety has this stupid control over me still and i think i could make it to chicago, isnt that where she is out of??? flying....NO WAY!!! not strong enough to attempt that one yet, but at least i said yet, before it was never! you guys must think i am crazy , just a thought i was thinking about.
thumper suggests good exercise and nutritioun as well as bikemans comment on natural endorphins... so very true .
legal advice was mentioned, years ago i went for a free consultation with a divorce lawyer and was given so info to ponder on and thats as far as i could take it then was to just ponder... but today i need to do that again and take action, tim i hope its never just lip service, i dont ever want it to go to just lip service, but i am sooo SCARED!.... spousal support would be fantastic but would i be able to swing it on my own? its been almost 30 years since i was self supportive. i hope you not think me selfish i know my happiness and health our at stake, but i want to be able to stay HERE. why? 25 years of all my hard work and love are put into a flower garden which takes years to mature and every year that passes shows me the benefits of my labors. nature.... i have beautiful nature here, i have a chipmunk friend named "chippy" who lives under my porch, he has been here for a few years now. sassafrass my squirrel friend.... mr and mrs mallard duck who come every year because i live near a retention pond. many more reasons to list,buti know i can ramble so back to the point.
cowgirl: i love my senior citizen friends i have made and once again i just said the word friends, the Holy Spirit has put me there in a nursing home. i go on cigarette breaks with a resident phyliss, shes like 82, shes in a wheel chair outside in sub zero weather puffing away! i would half to say half of her day is spent outside on the patio smoking, she has to get herself thru doors that have to be opened manually, plus another door and make sure shes pushed the button that disables the alarm too! shes amazes me! she's like julie? do you have an extra lighter in your purse??? sure i do, i said.
when i arrive at the facility word gets out fast among the residents that i am there. can you imagine no hair care since july???? it is so gratifying for me, if you could see before and after photos of these people today. one thing bothers me, i have yet to see any money, they were in a process of an administrator leaving, an interim arriving, now a the permanent one. i arrived there right at this point so there has been so much confusion as to where is my money???? i keep saying patience julie, all the wrinkles will get ironed out, but if they dont then i am afraid you will see a post of no more nursing home! time out, son just brought me arby's for dinner, i will post this as it is getting long. see you in a few!
sorry i totally got distracted from other posts, i hate when i do that. alicap you asked about how one can relapse with out taking pills?
its called complacency, having reservations, staceygordon24 posted it somewhere and now i forgot where to find it, i will look for it after i post ok? little beach , yes my boys are still at home 22 and 19 going to college and working jobs, great guys i have, hey i need to brag! my one son made the deans list at the university of illinois at chicago!!!! i cant believe it! i mean i can but look at his parents, grand parents?? i know i learned in rehab that the oldest child in an alcohol/ drug addicted family tends to be the over achiever??? i dont know if that is my sons case but he has so many great attributes!
sarah, thanks for your kind words as well,
yesterday my son overheard my husband mumble under his breath, i only have a few years left to live and da*n it! i am gonna enjoy it MY WAY!!! yes, tim my husband was a wrong choice, i can only see that now and couldnt 25 yrs ago as i was this young (23) vulnerable, scared, lonely person, who's presence, (my husband then (38) 14 1/2 year age differance) filled a void, i then entered in with him a world of drugs and porn. he bitter from a failed marriage and nasty divorce lost the love of his life and daughter, they moved away to las vegas and have been there since, we live in Illinois, soooo, i was marriage and baby orientated, he was not, he already expereinced it, i hadn't and i spent 3 years being co dependant promising him i will give him the world!!! that was my true intention, i adored him, waited on him hand and foot, sex ANYTIME he requested it, clean house, home cooked meals, wonderful holidays, 2 beautiful sons that look just like him, never once in 25 years have i crossed the line of adultery, i have kept my marriage bed clean, i have gone to rehab, tried to better myself, marriage counseling, he only attended one session cuz he failed the am i an alcoholic test and that counselor doesnt know what he's talking about!
my "walk" down the aisle every brides dream, what a joke that was, i had envisioned that day my whole life where i would feel like a princess for a day in my white wedding gown, it didnt feel right, he was at the end of the aisle looking miserable, wouldnt even look me in the eye as he promised to God in his wedding vows to me. and i look back at in now, the video, he hates it, our wedding video and the man that walked me down the aisle??? the worst perpetrator of them all! my bilogical father who tried everyday of my life to rape me, cornered me in the basement, laid on top of me on the couch and tried to suck my breasts, woke up every morning with my nightie pulled up and him sitting on the edge of my bed, a man who forced me to kill my unborn child (pregnant at 19, from a guy i had met) who accepted my brothers illigetimate daughter as their grandchild same year, when mine was due, except mine went into a garbage can, shannon my brothers daughter is now 30 yrs old and this man my father had the nerve to ask me at a restaurant following the abortion, maybe we should ask the waitress for a doggy bag so we could maybe bring home the aborted fetus! i am upset know, thats enough julie, theres more ALOT more, but let it go julie, let it go. you ask me tim if i need the appendage of a man and to get a dog, good suggestion tim, i have 3 wonderful dogs, a kitty and bunny that i adore and love like my children and NO! NEVER EVER WILL I AGAIN DEPEND ON A MAN FOR MY HAPPINESS, NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT so bad to be free of this nightmare, i am no longer in denial that my marriage failed, i HATE him and you know what as a christian i am not supposed to hate, let me rephrase.... i hate the sickness he has that makes him treat me the way he does.
sarah, good food for thought, am i an extension of the Holy Spirit???? God is the trunk of the tree, i am a branch, Jesus suffered as a human on this earth, he was spat upon, flogged, crucified and He forgave. He was perfect and sinless, a king who came into the world in a manger to humble us, i am weak of the flesh, and i am loved and forgiven for that, isn't that wonderful!!! i have the hope of eternity, life after death. i have to suffer the wages of sin because of adam and eve's mistake. here is where i have hope, justice and my revenge that boils in my heart for all the pain i suffered just like Jesus did, but no where near as bad, i cant even fathom for one second the pain and agony He suffered being crucified, i found out later in life from my pastor that death on a cross occurs from suffocation, the constant need to push oneself up from the platform of the cross (if there was one for some,) to breathe! many wronged people in that day were crucified upside down and naked, their crosses posted alongside of the road for people passing by to mock and laugh at, could you even imagine in todays time, say your on the toll way for instance and all these crosses of people hanging there! oooh how barbaric! let me post this.
its called complacency, having reservations, staceygordon24 posted it somewhere and now i forgot where to find it, i will look for it after i post ok? little beach , yes my boys are still at home 22 and 19 going to college and working jobs, great guys i have, hey i need to brag! my one son made the deans list at the university of illinois at chicago!!!! i cant believe it! i mean i can but look at his parents, grand parents?? i know i learned in rehab that the oldest child in an alcohol/ drug addicted family tends to be the over achiever??? i dont know if that is my sons case but he has so many great attributes!
sarah, thanks for your kind words as well,
yesterday my son overheard my husband mumble under his breath, i only have a few years left to live and da*n it! i am gonna enjoy it MY WAY!!! yes, tim my husband was a wrong choice, i can only see that now and couldnt 25 yrs ago as i was this young (23) vulnerable, scared, lonely person, who's presence, (my husband then (38) 14 1/2 year age differance) filled a void, i then entered in with him a world of drugs and porn. he bitter from a failed marriage and nasty divorce lost the love of his life and daughter, they moved away to las vegas and have been there since, we live in Illinois, soooo, i was marriage and baby orientated, he was not, he already expereinced it, i hadn't and i spent 3 years being co dependant promising him i will give him the world!!! that was my true intention, i adored him, waited on him hand and foot, sex ANYTIME he requested it, clean house, home cooked meals, wonderful holidays, 2 beautiful sons that look just like him, never once in 25 years have i crossed the line of adultery, i have kept my marriage bed clean, i have gone to rehab, tried to better myself, marriage counseling, he only attended one session cuz he failed the am i an alcoholic test and that counselor doesnt know what he's talking about!
my "walk" down the aisle every brides dream, what a joke that was, i had envisioned that day my whole life where i would feel like a princess for a day in my white wedding gown, it didnt feel right, he was at the end of the aisle looking miserable, wouldnt even look me in the eye as he promised to God in his wedding vows to me. and i look back at in now, the video, he hates it, our wedding video and the man that walked me down the aisle??? the worst perpetrator of them all! my bilogical father who tried everyday of my life to rape me, cornered me in the basement, laid on top of me on the couch and tried to suck my breasts, woke up every morning with my nightie pulled up and him sitting on the edge of my bed, a man who forced me to kill my unborn child (pregnant at 19, from a guy i had met) who accepted my brothers illigetimate daughter as their grandchild same year, when mine was due, except mine went into a garbage can, shannon my brothers daughter is now 30 yrs old and this man my father had the nerve to ask me at a restaurant following the abortion, maybe we should ask the waitress for a doggy bag so we could maybe bring home the aborted fetus! i am upset know, thats enough julie, theres more ALOT more, but let it go julie, let it go. you ask me tim if i need the appendage of a man and to get a dog, good suggestion tim, i have 3 wonderful dogs, a kitty and bunny that i adore and love like my children and NO! NEVER EVER WILL I AGAIN DEPEND ON A MAN FOR MY HAPPINESS, NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT so bad to be free of this nightmare, i am no longer in denial that my marriage failed, i HATE him and you know what as a christian i am not supposed to hate, let me rephrase.... i hate the sickness he has that makes him treat me the way he does.
sarah, good food for thought, am i an extension of the Holy Spirit???? God is the trunk of the tree, i am a branch, Jesus suffered as a human on this earth, he was spat upon, flogged, crucified and He forgave. He was perfect and sinless, a king who came into the world in a manger to humble us, i am weak of the flesh, and i am loved and forgiven for that, isn't that wonderful!!! i have the hope of eternity, life after death. i have to suffer the wages of sin because of adam and eve's mistake. here is where i have hope, justice and my revenge that boils in my heart for all the pain i suffered just like Jesus did, but no where near as bad, i cant even fathom for one second the pain and agony He suffered being crucified, i found out later in life from my pastor that death on a cross occurs from suffocation, the constant need to push oneself up from the platform of the cross (if there was one for some,) to breathe! many wronged people in that day were crucified upside down and naked, their crosses posted alongside of the road for people passing by to mock and laugh at, could you even imagine in todays time, say your on the toll way for instance and all these crosses of people hanging there! oooh how barbaric! let me post this.
