I've been preparing for my 'coming out,' for my "Speaker's Meeting," a week from tomorrow. It's been messy. Just when I thought I was making great strides in progressing toward a spiritually-based recovery my sponsor decided it would be a wonderful "growth experience," to tell my story. b******! I want to forget my past!
So I'm on version 7 and it is nowhere near complete. I want them to know the REAL me, who I really am, why I was different, where I've been, how I've lived, and on and on and on. And the anxiety (fear) has been overwhelming.
Jeeze, what if they find out, as I have, that I may not be worthy? What if they find out I'm ~gasp~ NOT God's gift to all Mankind? What if I don't do well? It's MY life's story and I'm going to f*** it up!
GAAAAAHHH! And the fear accelerates, and I withdraw, and ego starts to rise up, and, and, and....
So then I have a quick conversation with MY higher power. Relax. I breathe. I fall back to receiving. I strive to ask, everyday "What would Love do?" and I fall short. A LOT. But I try--'cause it's progress, not perfection. And I realize that it's just another ESH, and everybody's got 'em, and humility is not about thinking less about myself, but of thinking of myself less, and I see people healing, and I see the same people on this board, and I keep coming back, and I see new people coming to look for some HOPE every day, and, and, and....
And I stop worrying about what everybody else thinks and I stop counting and I stop writing 'cause it's never going to be perfect. I just have to STOP. And then I thank MY HP that I'm sober today and that one single drink will snatch all that progress away. Deep down I'm afraid it won't get any better, but I'm coming to believe that it will--if I'll just let it.
So today I'm doing the COURAGE thing... Courage is fear that's said its prayers.
Gosh, I would love to be at that meeting, I bet it will be compelling!!
Lacey,
Hello, again. It's wonderful to 'see' you hanging in there.
I think nearly everyone hear is probably saying, "Jeeze, don't encourage him!" Too funny, but true--I'm a realist. Everything feels exposed again and raw. It's like dredging the silt of deep dark waters: Stuff keeps bubbling up! No bodies so far, though.
At any rate, I started with delusions of grandeur and I'm down to getting through it: "What it was like, what happened, and what it's like now." Who knew? I've given presentations to rooms full of peers and auditoriums of thousands of young people, and I'm scared to death! I'm back to swearing, false pride, approval seeking, and generally alcoholic behaviour!
Anyway. Whether folks here want to follow along or not, THIS growth experience better be as short-lived as the others. Even I don't like me right now!
Hello, again. It's wonderful to 'see' you hanging in there.
I think nearly everyone hear is probably saying, "Jeeze, don't encourage him!" Too funny, but true--I'm a realist. Everything feels exposed again and raw. It's like dredging the silt of deep dark waters: Stuff keeps bubbling up! No bodies so far, though.
At any rate, I started with delusions of grandeur and I'm down to getting through it: "What it was like, what happened, and what it's like now." Who knew? I've given presentations to rooms full of peers and auditoriums of thousands of young people, and I'm scared to death! I'm back to swearing, false pride, approval seeking, and generally alcoholic behaviour!
Anyway. Whether folks here want to follow along or not, THIS growth experience better be as short-lived as the others. Even I don't like me right now!
Well, I know what I think of you is none of your business but I like you a LOT right now. Your honesty and integrity is shining. I like you a LOT right now.
Wow Skg you sure are a bit heady today huh? What's up? Is it just the fear of speaking to these people about "you"? You can do this. Quit future tripping. Perhaps read bits of your Spirituality book so you can get present again. It worked wonders before. :-)
I am off to Vegas tomorrow early so I won't be around til late. Chat with ya later gator.
xx Valarie
I am off to Vegas tomorrow early so I won't be around til late. Chat with ya later gator.
xx Valarie
Gidday Skg
Wise sponsor and one day when you get a sponsee to do the same you will see them have the ding moment just like you are now:)
When i had to do step one i wrote 6 versions, drinker, victim, funny,ar$ehole,evil and then i just wrote about me, and cried when i read it because finally i had accepted me and i wasnt being all the personnas that i thought others wanted me to be...that i thought.....my mind is a dangerous place to go alone thinking others thoughts..
You will be everything you are now SKG...yourself and proud to be sober
Make sure your fly is done up and you have clean undies on:)LMAO
light and love Zac
Wise sponsor and one day when you get a sponsee to do the same you will see them have the ding moment just like you are now:)
When i had to do step one i wrote 6 versions, drinker, victim, funny,ar$ehole,evil and then i just wrote about me, and cried when i read it because finally i had accepted me and i wasnt being all the personnas that i thought others wanted me to be...that i thought.....my mind is a dangerous place to go alone thinking others thoughts..
You will be everything you are now SKG...yourself and proud to be sober
Make sure your fly is done up and you have clean undies on:)LMAO
light and love Zac
skg just speak your truth!
Gee that shouldnt be to hard now should it SKG:)
light and gas Zac
light and gas Zac
Well, you can't be tip top all the time, you wouldn't be human then, you would be that over inflated ego who knows it all. (I was the same, and I find it very embarassing now!, so that is no judgement on you.)
Just front up and be yourself. Bring all the honesty you can to it, be raw, be real, that's what will work because that is the truth. No, it isn't pretty, but hey, everyone will have some level of understanding.
I would be crapping myself if I was you. I don't think I could do it. I would guess that is part of the reason I dropped out of the anonymous programmes!
Just front up and be yourself. Bring all the honesty you can to it, be raw, be real, that's what will work because that is the truth. No, it isn't pretty, but hey, everyone will have some level of understanding.
I would be crapping myself if I was you. I don't think I could do it. I would guess that is part of the reason I dropped out of the anonymous programmes!
Keep it simple. Keep it simple. Keep it simple.
~ROTFLMAO!!!~
Seeking Emotional Sobriety ~DING~
I'll get what I need if I'll just let it get through all the 'noise.' Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Really.
peaceness.
Seeking Emotional Sobriety ~DING~
I'll get what I need if I'll just let it get through all the 'noise.' Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Really.
peaceness.
SKG,
Giving back is what it's all about....I know for me, when I'm asked to chair a meeting, I pray for humility, for God's words and God's message to carry. I don't go into specific's, I do like the Big Book says which is "in a general way, what is was like, what happened and what it is like now". I share a few bits of my drunkalog but more than that, I share how I felt, how alcohol affected me, how it quite being the solution and how I found peace and serenity by doing what was suggested and going through the 12steps....I try to remember it's not about me but about carrying the message.....
Just pray and ask your HP for the direction and you will be A-OK.
Take care,
Stacey
Giving back is what it's all about....I know for me, when I'm asked to chair a meeting, I pray for humility, for God's words and God's message to carry. I don't go into specific's, I do like the Big Book says which is "in a general way, what is was like, what happened and what it is like now". I share a few bits of my drunkalog but more than that, I share how I felt, how alcohol affected me, how it quite being the solution and how I found peace and serenity by doing what was suggested and going through the 12steps....I try to remember it's not about me but about carrying the message.....
Just pray and ask your HP for the direction and you will be A-OK.
Take care,
Stacey
If you are writing it down you are overthinking it. If you must write something down write a few words that will remind you what you want to say and leave it alone. When the time comes to speak say a prayer and speak. No rehersals or speeches. Speak from your heart. No one expects a perfect speaker. All we are is a bunch of drunks. Not professional speakers. Keep it simple. Sometimes we feel good about what we say but usually when we're done we think of a hundred things we "should have said." How can God guide your words if you have your words all written out. Keep it simple. Did I mention keep it simple?
I just reread your post. Why do I think you are writing it down? I think it's because you said version 7. Never mind.
I just reread your post. Why do I think you are writing it down? I think it's because you said version 7. Never mind.
