I confided in a close friend of mine yesterday everything I have hidden about my boyfriends alcohol problem; I have kept it a secret for a while from others since I would call him a functioning alcoholic. Out and about he will have a few beers and be content yet at home he will drink to excess. There is no emotional or physical abuse resulting in his drinking; its become the third person in our relationship and is the elephant in the room.
I told her I know in the past I have enabled his behavior by hiding it or making excuses for things; however my own step to end that cylce of enablilng behavior is to talk openly about it and what I am doing for myself in the journey.
She's upset with me on another friendship issue she has with me unrelated to him, by the way. Her response: "that's just an excuse for you not dealing with XYZ. it's not your problem to solve; why are you even with him;"
It was not the response I had hoped for from her. Nothing about my partners drinking problem has impacted her directly and yet she has basically shown zero support for what I may be going through.
I get it's so easy for the outside world to have an opinion about what you are doing in your personal life; however I do things get even more complicated when addiction is involved.
I am working on me and what I need to do and this was my first step in 2016 and it's like I was just shot down; almost easier to just keep the "secret" of the addiction; but isn't that just enabling it further?
How have other's dealt with being open with the outside world about the addict in your life? Is it easier to reach out for support from someone that has gone through it rather than someone that hasn't?
I have found the on going support I have need from Al anon. There is no judgement and everyone there understands. There is a peace in being in that environment. It takes working on yourself to be able to deal with others and their responses.
Look after yourself and go to meetings it really does help :)
Look after yourself and go to meetings it really does help :)
My husband and I have both made the choice to tell people exactly how our son is if they ask. We don't go into details unless they want to know but our standard response is that he's a homeless drug addict. It saves us a lot of mental energy by just being honest. Not everyone is going to "get it" but that's fine. We're doing what we need to do by enforcing our boundaries and we still love our addict son. I agree, you need to focus on your own well being, first and foremost.
Good luck.
Michelle
Good luck.
Michelle
Ok, so now my boyfriend is in treatment and I reached out to this friend just to tell her what was going on; without the caveat that she shouldn't tell anyone.
My boyfriend reached out to me today and was upset that I told other people; especially her. He understood my need to have a support system right now; however I also need to respect his right to privacy as well. He thinks that she has told everyone and their mom's and that his journey is no longer his to tell and I feel horrible. I just needed some support too--but I went to the wrong person.
SO I told her; please don't tell anyone. And she already had and then told me that "rehab is not bad or taboo; I didn't realize it was a secret" So I expressed that he had wanted to keep things private and close to those he trusted. She said "well that doesn't apply to me"
And so again I was wrong to reach out to her thinking that I would get support when all she did was make it about her.
My boyfriend reached out to me today and was upset that I told other people; especially her. He understood my need to have a support system right now; however I also need to respect his right to privacy as well. He thinks that she has told everyone and their mom's and that his journey is no longer his to tell and I feel horrible. I just needed some support too--but I went to the wrong person.
SO I told her; please don't tell anyone. And she already had and then told me that "rehab is not bad or taboo; I didn't realize it was a secret" So I expressed that he had wanted to keep things private and close to those he trusted. She said "well that doesn't apply to me"
And so again I was wrong to reach out to her thinking that I would get support when all she did was make it about her.
