Telling On Myself

Well, the little addict in me came out today. It does from time to time, but this time was different.
I've brought up before that my boss takes meds. He takes pain pills and has even offered me some before.

Well today he left for a lunch meeting with a couple of his clients. I was the only one in the office by myself for 2hrs.
He left his bag, which I know where he keeps his meds. OH HOW HARD THIS WAS!
I was bad... I looked in his bag. There were 3 bottles... ultram, lortab, and klonopin. My god... I stared at them for the longest time.
I even opened the lortab bottle up and poured them in my hand.
I went to put them back in, and stopped and poured them out again... I threw them back in his bag and walked out of his room.

I sat at my desk for another hour before they came back. I didn't take any. I wanted to at first, but knew it wasn't worth it.
But, although in my head I knew... I couldn't stop thinking about them. I thought about all the times I have bought and stole pills and gone to such extremes, and how now I have them right there and it would be just way too easy., and i didn't.

I needed to tell on myself. I think it's important. I know I shouldn't be snooping around. It's almost like I didn't even realize I was going to look until I was peeking in his bag.

Thanks for letting me share.
Stacey
Good for you for telling on yourself Stace. That's growth and it's huge. We went to extremes to get our drugs now it's time to go to even further extremes to make sure we don't fall. I am so proud of you.
Good for you for telling on yourself! Yup addict behavior of the first class. Not does it involve obsessing over a drug, it also involves, you would agree, less than ethical behavior.

That was one of my main acquisition methods. I tried not to think about the seediness of it while I was taking them. Yup, you sweated now, beats guilt later.

This is where the Step work really comes in to make that spiritual awakening (see Appendix II of the Big Book) that really, really helps take away the obsession...

To avoid "sobriety by default". By that I mean that one is clean and sober only because the drug is not readily available. Look what happened when it was..do you understand what I mean?

That is why I go to AA. Alcoholics don't get the luxury of "sobriety by default" (unless they live on Everest). They have to deal with it around, really around, all the time. That is why the spiritual fitness becomes so important.

You know you will have made the big time when that obsessing over someone else pills doesn't come. It took me about a year for that to happen...
Good Girl! Not only did you NOT take the pills, but you squealed too. I am sure what you just told gives us hope that we too would be able to do what you did given that situation.
Hi Stacey.Are you doing anything for F2F support? This is a wierd time of year and my addict is alive and kicking.I've had those knee-jerk reactions and most addicts I know do.You did great by disclosing that too.It's real easy to let secrets like that slide.

I'm in this heightened sense of alertness right now.I'm making more meetings and last night I even booked an extra session in therapy.I used be ashamed to admit that but I'm under no illusion that I'm cured.I would rather feel a little bit weak than a little bit drunk if you know what I mean.

Go to a meeting and share about it.You're not the only one who is feeling a little bit vulnerable.I have to surround myself with people who can keep me honest.

You did good by the way.Give yourself a thumbs up.
Can I be honest here?

This wrestling match in you means one thing too me. You have not made up your mind to quit. You are trying to quit for others, not yourself. You don't see your addiction for what it really is; An ugly monster that YOU CAN KILL!!

I remember these wrestling matches. This was a couple of years ago, when I was thinking, "I can handle this. Pills won't rule me." As long as I maintained this form of thinking, I was tormented over the fact that a "prescription" is only a doctor visit away.

I could make one phone call right now and the pharmy's would be filling the prescription that I REFUSE to refill. A 180, 10/650 Lortabs, sounds disgusting, revolting, and absolutely repulsive. The stuff is POISON! It's EVIL!! It won't be long, and the meds I can get will expire. After 27 days of being off of this (blankety blank blank) stuff, I have no desire whatsover to go back. Why would I want this horrible yoke around my neck again.

I'm really serious here. Bouncing back and forth SUCKS!

Stace, you need a new frame of mind. The "little addict" in you needs to die, and you've got to KILL it. You need to look at yourself and realize life is pointless while on narcotics. Drugs are not, nor ever will be, the answer.

You need to find God in His fullness, and trust me, when you do this, He will open your eyes. You will be repulsed by what has happened to you. Your desires will change. Instead of looking down, you'll be looking up. You'll see that Stacey has been ripped off, deceived!!!

I'd quit that job if my boss was like yours. He's a dirt bag, offering you his own pills. It shows his addiction is way out of control. You don't need to be in that kind of envrioment. Jobs are a dime a dozen. Don't be afraid of change. Who cares about the money, and what good is it, if all's you think about is "I don't know if I can do this? Maybe I'll fall tommorrow! The little addict in me is lurking!"

This is BONDAGE!!

Drastic measures may be needed to bring drastic change. Don't fear man's system. Walk by faith, not by sight. God will make a way for you.

Like I've told others here, GET MEAN! GET ANGRY!!

Walking the fence will never work. When AA came to my house when I was 12 years old, the lady who sat across from my mother in the midnight hour, told her with a rebuke, "If you don't get off this booze, your going to lose your whole family!!" I remember, she was mean; but it shook my mother. That night, she made up her mind. She went to AA. 35 years later, she is still "clean" and alive.

I thank God for that woman. She pulled no punches. She saved my mother from the nightmare to come.

Come on Stace, wake up! Slap yourself! Find some real friends!

Love, Pastor G
Stacey...I know how you feel. I did the same thing myself a few days ago....I went looking in places that I thought I may find some pills. I called my sponsor...I spoke with a friend on here....I told my husband that if he had pills in the house to remove them. It has shown me that although things have improved greatly, I am still in a fragile state. It's too easy...but it's too hard. Crazy stuff!

I am not sure what I would do if I found any...I was feeling pretty bad. I got through it. Prayer and my connection to the program for sure helps. I know that sometimes this stuff sounds so corny but it works.

Please honey is there someone that you can speak with about this. Maybe a meeting would do some good right now.

I am really proud of you..you have come along way baby. I know that you are on a low dose of sub. What happens when you come off? What measures to you have in place?

Big hugs and keep doing the next right thing.
Stacey!!

Kudos for waking up. For taking an honest look at yourself. For putting them back. That is so huge my friend. You did everything right...maybe even form shaking them out of the bottle and putting them back

You should be so proud of yourself for doing the right thing. I hope you feel a lot of pride and empowerment. And I'm so proud of you too for coming here and confessing.

Be proud dear. Everyone has different methods of staying off the pills, and yours and what you've been doing have worked so well. Just the fact that you had them in your hands and didn't go for the easy score shows how far you've come.

That was one of my biggest steps forward. When I was in the same posititon. Good on you girl. I'm increibly proud of you. Keep doing what your're doing. It's working!! Don't let anyone take that from you or diminish it in any way.

Love you Stacey!

Edit to add, your commitment has been so strong. I see that in you. Not the opposite. You've been around the block and know how just stopping for a bit doesn't signify that the battle is won. And you realize how dangerous that mind set can be. None of us can say well, I've made up my mind and it won't happen again. It's an on-going struggle, one you met admirable. Keep it up, love. It's been a pleasure watching you do the work necessary to be able to stay the course, as we all know this is the hard part.

How long do you have now? Over a year, isn't it? Well done dear!
Good for you, Stacygirl.
You know what you have to do and telling on yourself is one of those things.
It's happened to us all, I think.
I was probably a year clean when Husbutt left a full bottle on the counter across from my computer desk. I did what you did.
It shook me a little, no wait, it shook me a lot,lol. I just dug into that tool box, as you are now. One day you'll be on here and somebody will tell of a similar experience and you'll share how this happened to you.
((hugs))
xxxooooo
You can't just tell yourself, you're not an addict anymore. It doens't work like that. You will fight this for the rest of your life. But with support and the tools you've been given, you can win that fight, on a daily basis. I just worry that you do this by yourself Stacey. Sure, you reach out here but is it enough? Love you kiddo.
Stacey...not only putting them back shows me how far youve come but admitting that longing does.

Once in awhile Ill go through old post & YOU my beautiful dear friend have come so so far from where you started.
I LOVE YOU SWEETY!!
MJ/Sabrina
i am so proud of you stacey, with all the stressors of losing your grandmother and the holidays here... i ask myself, could i have resisted? if i werent on sub, i think i would of taken "one." so true, this disease is for life! like pastor said and NA, there has to be the higher power in the drivers seat. you are gonna make it girlie, look at your strength. please do NOT be ashamed for peeking, some of us would of done the exact same thing. love jewels
Stac,

I'm proud of you for resisting the urge and telling on yourself. Can you ask your boss to put the pills where you can't get to them? Why play with fire?

Love,
Gina
Stacey, be careful. That urge to look at pills can change to something more very easily. Are you going to meetings or therapy? Do you have support other than here? I'll tell ya, I was about 2 years clean and came across a vic that was hidden in a desk drawer at work. My stomach did that little flippy flop thing it does when I see pills and it scared the crap out of me. I was going to leave the pill there because it really wasn't any of my business but I could hear it calling me, Kaaaaaathi, come look at me agaaaaaaaiiin, so I flushed the little bugger. I think it's normal for addicts to think about drugs, it's what we do best, but it's what we do about those thoughts that are important.
Elim and Lisa, Your messages to me always help.
I thank you all for your support and your trust that I will do the right thing. I know, that is playing with fire Gina, and I'm going to have a talk with him. Him and I are very open towards one another and I know telling him this will not be a problem whatsoever. I couldn't have a better boss.

Keekee, I'm glad I have you, you and I can relate to each other so much. It's like we go through the same things near the same times. Look at our joining date! lol.
I'm proud of you girl.

To those that asked, yes I have face to face support. I have not been to a meeting in quite some time and plan on going to one asap. I go to a marriage counselor who specializes in addiction and counsels both my husband and I. Then I go to a psychiatrist once a month for just me, who also specializes in addiction.

kat and Kathi, it did scare me, but not for long. I knew I didn't want them. If I could have, I would have flushed them. lol. don't think that would have went over very well though...

I have been getting into this depression all over again. I'm sure the death of my Grandmother has much to do with this. I think about her every day. I cry about her every day. ... just life. Life's not fair and I was blessed to have a father that instilled that into my head at a very young age. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. You just have to deal.

Now with this pastor whatever guy... I've been trying to keep my mouth shut on this one, but just can't so if you don't like it , tough. G, you don't know me, at all... if you'd like to start, maybe go back 2 years on this board and start reading. I hate when people come and start talking out of their a** about stuff they have no idea what they are talking about.

I don't need you or anyone else to tell me

You need to find God in His fullness, and trust me, when you do this, He will open your eyes. You will be repulsed by what has happened to you. Your desires will change. Instead of looking down, you'll be looking up. You'll see that Stacey has been ripped off, deceived!!!


I have found God, a long time ago, him and I are fine thanks. My eyes are open wide and I know how ugly addiction can be. I don't know your story but I do know you haven't been off pills for even a month. I do not take unsolicited advice from someone that has such little clean time, I'll take support, but no, not advice...so you can save it. I've been off those evil things for 16 mo. You may be a pastor...but you aren't mine, so save your holier than thou crap for someone that will listen to it.

I have not been ripped off, I do not look at my addiction in that way. If we did wouldn't we be a sad bunch... I'm LEARNING.

I'd quit that job if my boss was like yours. He's a dirt bag, offering you his own pills. It shows his addiction is way out of control. You don't need to be in that kind of envrioment. Jobs are a dime a dozen. Don't be afraid of change. Who cares about the money, and what good is it, if all's you think about is "I don't know if I can do this? Maybe I'll fall tommorrow! The little addict in me is lurking!"


My boss is not a dirt bag. there you go talking out your a** again. I am not going to quit a job I love because my boss takes pills. Pills are going to come up in my life from time to time and I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to uproot doing what I love and run every single time they pop out their ugly little heads.That my dear pastor would be 'bondage'.
I never once said I don't know if I can do this, and think maybe I'll fall/fail tomorrow... you need to get it straight. If I didn't give in yesterday, I'm not giving in today.

Looks to me Mr. Pastor that you are the one that needs to open their eyes.

It's weird huh, that I haven't made up my mind to quit, but I have been for over a year... did you know that?? No you didn't. You just assume too much. I am not quitting for other people. I quit so I wouldn't die. I don't want to die and I almost have too many times to count. My addiction had me by the throat and I am no longer a prisoner of it. If you are a true addict it is a life long battle to stay on the right side. You have to always be aware. You're not going to just 'kill' it. but you can know yourself enough to 'tame' it. My 3 year old needs her mom, I did it for her, and that's 100 times more powerful than ever doing it for solely myself.

I hope you can comprehend what i'm saying.


To everyone that was sincerely caring and showed me love, I appreciate it greatly. I have some things I need to think about, but have no doubt that I can get through. I have my family, my cousins, my family is everything to me, they know everything about me and love me even more for it. I got up the courage to tell them through people on here showing me that it will be better and it will be fine if I do so. Your experiences have helped me just as much if not more than your support. (kat, you brought tears to my eyes about your grandmother... sounds a lot like mine... I hope we can talk soon)

I agree this board can only be used for support so much, but there are a good handful of you girls/ and one guy/ that have been there for me for 2 years now, and I am proud to call you my friends. my angels.

Thank you.
Stacey

I'm proud of you, Stac. Not much more to add that hasn't already been said. (and then some, LOL)

Keep doing the next right thing.

Love you,
DeNae

Stacey.........Kudos to you girl.Just keep doing the next right thing.All these experiences just make us stronger.Have a good day.
I was wondering when that was coming..LOL..you are so correct my dear!

One stinking day at a time! Sorry...one of those days.

Have a good one, you are awesome.
I love you Stacey...
Sorry Stace. I see I jumped to conclusions on some of your issues.

I hope you can take the best, and leave the rest.

This board is full of "opinions" and we surely won't agree on everything. Dialog helps us all to think about what we are doing and maybe adjust if we read something that truely applies to us.

If it helps at all, both of our lives have many experiences which we could never fully explain here. Our differences here may put us at odds in the way we see things, none the less, we can learn from each other.

I've accomplished great goals in life by a made up mind. I tend to draw to this when it comes to conquering other things that have tried to get the best of me. And, it has worked for me and others who have listened, so I take my chances and share my gut instinct, hoping it will help someone else.

Offending you in the wrong way was not my intension. I try to always remind myself, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs). Telling me what hurts may be just what I needed.

You've helped me today.

Thanks, Pastor G

P.S. Congrats on your "time" of no meds.