I don't even have the energy to post my history now. I've been here before, quite a few times. I checked myself into out patient rehab yesterday. I've never done that before. I've come off pills a few times, always relapsing. I've always done it in secret, telling my husband and mom that I have the flu. I did quit last time with their knowing but I had no support really. They just thought it was done and that was that. Now they know the severity of my addiction and the reality that I could die if I don't stop for good. So, next week is when I quit taking them altogether and my mom is going to come stay for a few days to help with the kids (2 and 3 years old).
I remember reading about the fact that this is a progressive disease, that each relapse is worse than the one before. So very true. I'm taking more than I ever have, and I'm more obsessed than I've ever been. Also, more terrified. I don't even know what to expect as far as who I am without these pills. What kind of wife, mom?
Anyway. I just had to post this because I feel so alone.
you're not alone . .. hang in there. I'm sure someone will post some words of wisdom real soon. Many of us struggle - you're doing the right thing. Do it for the little ones, they deserve a Mom who's around for them. It does get easier with each passing minute, hour, day. Be strong.
Cici...
I can sure relate! I am on my 3rd attempt at quitting pain pills for good.
This is my final time (I'm not going to say "I hope" - because Hope is not a strategy)
You and I - and all the others like us can do this.
I just read a really good online article that I'd like to recommend. The article is not on addiction - it's on Laziness - but so many of the things in the article just really spoke to me today.
The article is by Chuck Gallozzi at:
Cure for Laziness
Stay positive! Also reading the posts here really help me.
Keep posting.
I can sure relate! I am on my 3rd attempt at quitting pain pills for good.
This is my final time (I'm not going to say "I hope" - because Hope is not a strategy)
You and I - and all the others like us can do this.
I just read a really good online article that I'd like to recommend. The article is not on addiction - it's on Laziness - but so many of the things in the article just really spoke to me today.
The article is by Chuck Gallozzi at:
Cure for Laziness
Stay positive! Also reading the posts here really help me.
Keep posting.
I think we've all been afraid of who we will be when we stop using. I know I was anyway. I popped pills for so long my first year without them was like being high. It was a whole new experience. A lot of people say their first year is the hardest but once the withdrawals stopped I loved it. I was going to two meetings a day learning how to live without pills and yeah I was afraid but each month got better and better. Out-patient is a great start. Good for you for getting some help. Be patient with yourself. You aren't going to get better over night. But it will come if you are patient. Maybe you could check into some family therapy when you are in treatment so your family could get educated on addiction. Good luck to you and good to see you back.
posted by cici
Recovery is more than just stopping drugs. It involves having different behaviors, different attitudes, in AA's Big Book, in Appendix II it is called a change in personality.
And with recovery you will be a better wife and mother. When you consider now, in your heart of hearts, don't you think you could be doing much better?
QUOTE |
I don't even know what to expect as far as who I am without these pills. What kind of wife, mom? |
Recovery is more than just stopping drugs. It involves having different behaviors, different attitudes, in AA's Big Book, in Appendix II it is called a change in personality.
And with recovery you will be a better wife and mother. When you consider now, in your heart of hearts, don't you think you could be doing much better?
Cici~
I'm so glad you posted! I was reading through old post a couple nights ago and I was wondering what happened to you. I don't have much advice because I am only two weeks clean but this board has been a life saver to me so keep posting! I related so much to your story- I have a 4 yr old and a 21 month old who I'm home with and know how hard it can be. I'm sure others will chime in with wise words but just know that you are not alone!
I'm so glad you posted! I was reading through old post a couple nights ago and I was wondering what happened to you. I don't have much advice because I am only two weeks clean but this board has been a life saver to me so keep posting! I related so much to your story- I have a 4 yr old and a 21 month old who I'm home with and know how hard it can be. I'm sure others will chime in with wise words but just know that you are not alone!
I just read that article you suggested about laziness. It applies to me in so many ways. Thank you. I'm going to print this out so that I don't forget.
You're not alone, cici. I can so relate to how you feel . . . scared of the unknown, down on yourself, feeling isolated. But you showed real courage checking yourself into an outpatient. That's a really important step. You've already ensured that it will be different this time.
FWIW, one thing that really helped me, especially early on, was to remind myself every day of the POSITIVE things about being clean. In many respects, it's just the reverse of what you're feeling right now. So try jotting some of your feelings down; the things you hate about active addiction; the things you're ashamed of, etc. Once you're clean, the list will help remind you of what you've left behind, and it can help reinforce the new freedom and happiness you'll experience.
Won't it be nice not to have to count pills every day, or constantly worry about you're next supply, or feel the shame and paranoia that comes with actice addiction?
You deserve that. You've earned it. You're on your way.
Hang in,
None
FWIW, one thing that really helped me, especially early on, was to remind myself every day of the POSITIVE things about being clean. In many respects, it's just the reverse of what you're feeling right now. So try jotting some of your feelings down; the things you hate about active addiction; the things you're ashamed of, etc. Once you're clean, the list will help remind you of what you've left behind, and it can help reinforce the new freedom and happiness you'll experience.
Won't it be nice not to have to count pills every day, or constantly worry about you're next supply, or feel the shame and paranoia that comes with actice addiction?
You deserve that. You've earned it. You're on your way.
Hang in,
None
Hi Cici,maybe this will help. I started w/VICs many years ago. Ended up shooting dope.Re-hab is awesome this early on in your addiction.you have to distance youorself from the people who use.Sucks huh? What ya think about that?
I've never been to Rehab but I did do an OP for 6 weeks.I would go 5 nights a week and then hit meetings in between.It was terrifying in the beginning but yet for the first time I had hope.
I don't know what kind of rehab you're checking into but we had workbooks and homework.That involved a lot of writing and soul searching as well as becoming educated about this disease.When I got a sponsor in NA I started doing the steps through a workbook and that involved mucho writing.Like None said,that is where the big changes started.I would then go over what I had written with my sponsor on Sunday's.Man,did I start feeling better.
I've been watching a lot about this devastating earthquake in Haiti.The pundits keep talking about "Guerilla Medicine",where they are improvising medical procedures without real medicine.That is kind of what trying to fight addiction on your own is.The chances of healing are so reduced without real techniques involved.If you don't have antibiotics,it's hard to attack infection.
I know once you get into treatment and around professionals who can help you will start having hope and that is just baby steps to real joy.
Unfortunately we can't wish addiction away.You are taking some action and that is what will start this whole process.
I don't know what kind of rehab you're checking into but we had workbooks and homework.That involved a lot of writing and soul searching as well as becoming educated about this disease.When I got a sponsor in NA I started doing the steps through a workbook and that involved mucho writing.Like None said,that is where the big changes started.I would then go over what I had written with my sponsor on Sunday's.Man,did I start feeling better.
I've been watching a lot about this devastating earthquake in Haiti.The pundits keep talking about "Guerilla Medicine",where they are improvising medical procedures without real medicine.That is kind of what trying to fight addiction on your own is.The chances of healing are so reduced without real techniques involved.If you don't have antibiotics,it's hard to attack infection.
I know once you get into treatment and around professionals who can help you will start having hope and that is just baby steps to real joy.
Unfortunately we can't wish addiction away.You are taking some action and that is what will start this whole process.
Welcome cici and what a great step you've taken!
I did an IOP several yrs ago.One of the best things I ever did for myself and loved ones.
The one I did had a family night once a week ,if yours does as well it'll help your family understand what's happening.
You'll learn new skills and stratgies for staying clean and sober.Invaluable.
So much of what you'll hear will address the many fears we hold inside of us.
It's those fears that kept many of us using.
You've taken a great step in not only getting your life back but in discovering the person you're meant to be.
I did an IOP several yrs ago.One of the best things I ever did for myself and loved ones.
The one I did had a family night once a week ,if yours does as well it'll help your family understand what's happening.
You'll learn new skills and stratgies for staying clean and sober.Invaluable.
So much of what you'll hear will address the many fears we hold inside of us.
It's those fears that kept many of us using.
You've taken a great step in not only getting your life back but in discovering the person you're meant to be.
Thank you so much. Just this morning I was thinking about all the free "space" I'll have in my head once I'm not trying to keep my supply going. I can't even imagine the percentage of my day that is devoted to that obsession. What will fill that? That is an exciting idea for me.
Your support means so much to me.
Your support means so much to me.