I want to say thank you to the group for your postings and support. the sharing of information does help. one thing that was said that was helpful is that when your (son or daughter) was sober he/she knew what was going on but did not care. Hearing this several times helped me to not be sympathetic to my son's situation. It helped me understand that I am suffering more than he is. a few weeks ago during a crisis situation I said something to him (I don't remember what I said) I remember his answer. "It's not that I don't know how to do that - I choose not to"
Well, if he chooses not to.... then so do I !!
Another thing was said. Something about seeing her daughter sober, what a big change in her daughter, believes the dysfunctional behavior has more to do w the drugs than mental illness. Yes, I am seeing that now.
A few weeks ago we were in a crisis for a number of days. due to a binge or withdrawal, both... since then he has had no $, little gas. Has been home 8 out of 10 nights. He is acting quite normal, not participating like normal family, but not acting out and is staying quiet and out of sight.
but he is on the edge of asking me for $$.
Update: while I was cooking he sat at the table, (wanting to ask for $) I did not look at him. He left. came back a few hours later... asked for $ for gas. I gave him $10. that will be about 3 gallons. he said thank you.
Ugh... I think we have been thru this before!
I don't even want to know what the next payday brings. we will have to double team him and wrestle him down for some dough....
OK now that I have had time to think about it. giving him $10 was a knee-jerk reaction.. I thought I was doing better and he was doing better. but it is the same go-around. only difference is that we both held out longer than usual.
Its so hard not to do what we always have done. Ten dollars for gas,a few dollars for food.
At one point I made a mark on the calendar for everyday that I didnt cave. I needed to see that I was making progress,it didnt matter if my daughter was making progress.
Try to set a small goal for you.Maybe only 20 dollars that week.If he runs out of gas and cant get to work its not your fault. At some point something has to give.He may lose his job,but these things are inevitable. Hang in there
At one point I made a mark on the calendar for everyday that I didnt cave. I needed to see that I was making progress,it didnt matter if my daughter was making progress.
Try to set a small goal for you.Maybe only 20 dollars that week.If he runs out of gas and cant get to work its not your fault. At some point something has to give.He may lose his job,but these things are inevitable. Hang in there
NyToFlorida - Try to be gentle with yourself. We are parents, not superheroes. I feel guilty when I cave and don't hold a boundary, but I remind myself that I'm doing the best I can. The goal is to improve our ability to hold our boundaries. There will be slip-ups but guilt will not help us. We are doing our best, and that's important. WE ARE HUMAN.
I read this poem when I need to remember the same (see below). It's written by the author of the memoir "The Joey Song", which I've read four times. It's a phenomenal book - I recommend it to anyone parenting an addict.
I AM
I am a mom.
I am a good mom.
I am a mom who has done her very best.
I am sorry for anything I have done(or not done) that might have contributed to my child's addiction.
I am grateful for anything I have done (or not done) that might have contributed to either of my children's success.
I am honest (honestly).
I am realistic (finally).
I am always seeking self-improvement and eyes-wide-open growth.
I am fuelled by what is right, not by what The Addict wants me to believe is right.
I am not a doormat. I am not a place for The Addict to wipe his feet.
I am confused.
I am miserable.
I am sad in places I didn't even know I had.
I am a mom.
I am a good mom.
I am a mom who has done her very best.
I read this poem when I need to remember the same (see below). It's written by the author of the memoir "The Joey Song", which I've read four times. It's a phenomenal book - I recommend it to anyone parenting an addict.
I AM
I am a mom.
I am a good mom.
I am a mom who has done her very best.
I am sorry for anything I have done(or not done) that might have contributed to my child's addiction.
I am grateful for anything I have done (or not done) that might have contributed to either of my children's success.
I am honest (honestly).
I am realistic (finally).
I am always seeking self-improvement and eyes-wide-open growth.
I am fuelled by what is right, not by what The Addict wants me to believe is right.
I am not a doormat. I am not a place for The Addict to wipe his feet.
I am confused.
I am miserable.
I am sad in places I didn't even know I had.
I am a mom.
I am a good mom.
I am a mom who has done her very best.
This is the link to the book "The Joey Song" by Sandra Swenson. You can read the first chapter using the "Look Inside" feature. I can't emphasize how helpful this book was to me. WE ARE NOT ALONE!
https://www.amazon.com/Joey-Song-Mot...n/dp/1937612716
https://www.amazon.com/Joey-Song-Mot...n/dp/1937612716
Thank you. I did some reading and surfing and found this link to
https://www.sandyswenson.com/blog/
and did some reading and crying.
https://www.sandyswenson.com/blog/
and did some reading and crying.
NyToFlorida - I read that blog as well. What I love about her is the fact that her child HASN'T recovered, which is my greatest fear. She had to learn how to "let go with love" which is something I'm trying to learn how to do.
I don't feel like I have a problem Letting Go. I have the problem when he is living in my house and I can't say no when he asks for cigs and gas. and I can't not buy food. No matter how many times we tell him - which is every week - screaming and nicely - that he has to pay us or move out, he does not follow through. If my son lived away from me and I saw him once a year, I would not be crying about it on this board. He has his own choice and path. I see now that my will for him to be better will not make it so.
I feel like it comes down to me. I need to avoid him. which will mean avoiding my house. I feel like telling my husband that I will move to Florida to settle in and he can follow when he is ready. Hubby will not be far behind. Fear is that he will rip son's head off - for making me leave. Next idea is to downsize but stay local. It will take time to find rental. I was studying for a real estate license but still need to take the state exam. It has been hard to concentrate. If I do that I can reap some benefits of finding a good rental and in selling our home. but that is hard to do when I am dealing w mr. addict.
I am getting to the place where I feel like a failure bc of my son taking from me.
Maybe that's where we get to. The last man standing.
I can see why this breaks up a marriage. I feel like I'm getting to the point where I want to be alone to take care of myself and no one else.
I feel like it comes down to me. I need to avoid him. which will mean avoiding my house. I feel like telling my husband that I will move to Florida to settle in and he can follow when he is ready. Hubby will not be far behind. Fear is that he will rip son's head off - for making me leave. Next idea is to downsize but stay local. It will take time to find rental. I was studying for a real estate license but still need to take the state exam. It has been hard to concentrate. If I do that I can reap some benefits of finding a good rental and in selling our home. but that is hard to do when I am dealing w mr. addict.
I am getting to the place where I feel like a failure bc of my son taking from me.
Maybe that's where we get to. The last man standing.
I can see why this breaks up a marriage. I feel like I'm getting to the point where I want to be alone to take care of myself and no one else.
I just found this website - haven't read much of it yet. maybe it will help some.
breaking the cycles . com
https://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/
breaking the cycles . com
https://www.breakingthecycles.com/blog/
Yellowbirds love the poem!
NTF i really feel for you because it is so hard to live with an adult child with an addiction. I tried it and it was so awful when she went to her first rehab I told her she couldn't come back. Its pretty amazing how they can manage without us and it gives them full ownership of their addiction and all the consequences. I think once they are out its healthier not to let them back. It's a very individual choice though and it's a very hard choice too.
NTF i really feel for you because it is so hard to live with an adult child with an addiction. I tried it and it was so awful when she went to her first rehab I told her she couldn't come back. Its pretty amazing how they can manage without us and it gives them full ownership of their addiction and all the consequences. I think once they are out its healthier not to let them back. It's a very individual choice though and it's a very hard choice too.
amen SallyAnna!!!
when we first found out in 2013, husband kicked him out. he got a job in FL spent a year there, but did not change. came home for a few months, had a good job, car accident, lost job, sent to rehab in FL. end of that year in a relapse went to different rehab, spent about a year in that location, about 5 mo clean, 5 mo relapse, then went to live w family on west coast for 4 months clean again. came home 2017. and right back into it. 2017 lived w gf but close to home, nightmare continued - the usual - denial - mostly we lived our life and ignored his problem except he still came around when out of $$. 2018 - he lost gf, job, car. (she was addict too, never clear which one was worse. he has not been around her since.) he went to rehab, did well, but cant last more than a few months. thinks he can handle real life and doc, but we know that's impossible. and he wonders why he is working low paying labor jobs. bc he cant focus well enough for a better job. and the opportunities are getting smaller.
my point is that he was away for 3 years. unfortunately, I was not as well versed in addiction as I am now, and I kept enabling.
at one point he left the good sober living, we were advised to not give anything and tell him to go back. we did that and he did go back. only for a few weeks more and then rented a room in a house and was working and relapsing. after a few months telling him to go back to sober living, he did not. that's when he went to a relatives home. it was a good sober time - bonded w family.
I just don't understand how they burn bridges and don't even care. I know he thinks about the past sad events and has a lot of guilt, but he just wallows in it instead of stepping up, making amends and moving on.....
thanks for listening.... again.
my point is that he was away for 3 years. unfortunately, I was not as well versed in addiction as I am now, and I kept enabling.
at one point he left the good sober living, we were advised to not give anything and tell him to go back. we did that and he did go back. only for a few weeks more and then rented a room in a house and was working and relapsing. after a few months telling him to go back to sober living, he did not. that's when he went to a relatives home. it was a good sober time - bonded w family.
I just don't understand how they burn bridges and don't even care. I know he thinks about the past sad events and has a lot of guilt, but he just wallows in it instead of stepping up, making amends and moving on.....
thanks for listening.... again.
