As always, I again want to Thank Everyone here for their kind words of encouragement and support...
Hope All are Well.
Im wondering how Yspearing, and Mariee are doing...I know Mariee has been going through it and is not really up to posting, but hopefully she will be back on the boards when she gets her strength back..Im sure Im not the only one that misses her..She was one of the first to welcome me and for that in itself I love her..
Yspearing..You okay??? Last I heard your still where Im at..hopefully your doing a little bit better..Try to touch base so I know your alright...T.Y>
Im still struggling..but do see some ray of hope here..
Will be starting Methadone tabs tomorrow or the next day..I believe, in my heart,(although I have lied to myself about this many times) that this will be the last run for me..
The Insanity is Enough even for this Fool!!
Keep making the same mistakes and expecting different results. Yes that is definetly the definition of insanity>>> Yep, that was or should I say still is me..Pretty Dumb...How many times do I have to keep making the same mistake..and why in Gods name would I even think for one minute that it would be different the next time...
Oh yeah, it gets different alright,,it gets uglier and uglier, sicker and sicker deeper and darker..
One more pill and what do you get??? A little bit sicker and deeper in debt.
This darn addiction Never ceases to amaze me...One day Im doing pretty good and I can feel things are changing for the better and the next day Bammmm, back with a vengence.. What a Vicious Cycle...Stop the World I want to Get Off..
Not anymore...I want to get On..before I go Out!!! I think I now want to get in the game..Im ready to Play now..Im ready to catch the Ball and Run with it...
I hardly remember the 18 months that I had been totally clean..You know the time when I was making good desicions,finally free from the abusive husband, self supporting, raising 2 small children, baking brownies on a Wed. night. Watching movies. Oh Yeah and LAUGHING. God how long has it been since I have laughed.???I use to laugh Out Loud,,,Laughed till I cried...Now Im crying cause I have not Laughed.
Why do I want this one minute and the next. well why does that all change?
Thank you always for letting me get some of these thoughts out of my head. I wish I could just dump most of my thinking into the Recycle Bin...Delete most of them and put in a new program...
Sometimes I truley do believe that it will Never happen for me.. Im too deep into it..The thought process is so warpped...Again, the problem..I just don't have enought belief in anything...I mean if I can't even believe myself anymore, then who can I believe , what can I believe in...
Well Im making myself Ill again..Thanks for being here.
This truley is an Outstanding Board..
Love and Hugs.
Di.
Hi Di,
Good luck with the meth tabs -- is this a longterm course of treatment, or just enough to get you past the physical w/d's?
As usual, you write eloquently about the despair and hoplelessness I felt when I was at the end of my last run, which was as bad as it had gotten for me....so far. Unfortunately, it can keep us running in the same place (i.e., maybe I'm destined to be an addict for life, maybe I don't believe in or want anything enough to get clean, maybe.....) unless we take action toward stopping, like you're doing. I'm proud of you for not giving up. Why can't this be the last time?
You are so right about the laughter. It was one of the first things my wife and kids commented on after I'd been clean a few weeks and the hydro fog had lifted. During the 5-6 months I was using daily, I thought I was doing them all a favor in a way -- more energy (in the beginning at least), more pleasant, etc. In actuality, they thought I was more distracted, remote, grumpy, and sad. Go figure! Just shows how distorted our perception becomes when under the influence of active addiction. Peace, M.
Good luck with the meth tabs -- is this a longterm course of treatment, or just enough to get you past the physical w/d's?
As usual, you write eloquently about the despair and hoplelessness I felt when I was at the end of my last run, which was as bad as it had gotten for me....so far. Unfortunately, it can keep us running in the same place (i.e., maybe I'm destined to be an addict for life, maybe I don't believe in or want anything enough to get clean, maybe.....) unless we take action toward stopping, like you're doing. I'm proud of you for not giving up. Why can't this be the last time?
You are so right about the laughter. It was one of the first things my wife and kids commented on after I'd been clean a few weeks and the hydro fog had lifted. During the 5-6 months I was using daily, I thought I was doing them all a favor in a way -- more energy (in the beginning at least), more pleasant, etc. In actuality, they thought I was more distracted, remote, grumpy, and sad. Go figure! Just shows how distorted our perception becomes when under the influence of active addiction. Peace, M.
HELLO DIANE ITS SO NICE TO SEE MY NAME ON THE POST IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SOMEONE CARES YOUR WORDS ARE ALWAYS SO STRONG YOU ARE AGREAT PERSON .IM USING PILLS AGAIN ONLY 46 ADAY BUT THATS NO GOOD I WANT TO QUIT I MEAN 4TO6 ADAY . THERES PEOPLE LIKE YOU COWGIRL MARIE PREGANTMOM DANNLI ETC ARE SO GREAT PLEASE FORGIVE ME IM NOT STRONG RITE NOW BUT SOON ILL BE OVER THE PILLS GOD LOVE YOU DIANE YSPEARING
Hi Diane..I'm glad you're doing better. Hang in there, every day is a little closer to sanity.
YSpearing... darlin, do you have some sort of a plan to get off of the pills? You scared the hell out of me when you said you were taking 46 a day, glad you corrected that to 4-6 a day. Even on my worst day I don't think I ever took that much..it would have killed me. You'll do it when you're ready..just make sure you have lots of support. This is such an ugly, lonely disease. I wish that everyone going through this had the emotional and physical support that they need. Can you do me a favor? I love reading your posts, but it's really hard when you use capitol letters all of the time... it's like your yelling at me!!!! lol If it's easier for you to do it that way than no big deal...
Love you
Cowgirl
YSpearing... darlin, do you have some sort of a plan to get off of the pills? You scared the hell out of me when you said you were taking 46 a day, glad you corrected that to 4-6 a day. Even on my worst day I don't think I ever took that much..it would have killed me. You'll do it when you're ready..just make sure you have lots of support. This is such an ugly, lonely disease. I wish that everyone going through this had the emotional and physical support that they need. Can you do me a favor? I love reading your posts, but it's really hard when you use capitol letters all of the time... it's like your yelling at me!!!! lol If it's easier for you to do it that way than no big deal...
Love you
Cowgirl
Yspearing, you have a lot of people here who care for you, you're probably the sweetest person I have ever met. I hope you find the strength (me too) to conquer your addiction.
Good luck
John
Good luck
John
Hello you no my husbund said to me that you yell at people when you use large letters. I didnt no that Im such asilly little goose . thank you for your advice Iwill make what is thouhtful for my sweet friends . yes i need to stop the pills that for sure. I have some nice people arond me .like yoy guys I will go get help soon meanwhile i have you wonderful souls around me ,the misunderstanding thats been going on around here is sad but thats life . Ihope this little lady gets some positive people from were she is now in her sweet life .god bless her and all thank you cowgirl john . my true sweet freinds yspearing
