For those who don't know my job is being a nurse aide to home hospice patients. I do some nursing home work also but, most of what I do is home health hospice care. I love my job this is the first time i've been so torn about my work.I have always felt what I do is important. I've got a understanding of death that I don't think the avarage person "outside medical field" gets. Not to be taken wrong but, I been with and watched maybe just under a hundard people die. I was a nurse for this women lil over two years ago. She was hospice care. She was totally bed ridden. I became super close with her husband best friend close. After she passed I started doing home health care for the husband. I've spent 20-30 hours a week over two years with this man. He is a retired chemical engineer in his later years became blind. I just had to take him yesterday by ambulance to the hospital. I sat there with him off the clock waiting for his only living nephew to arrive. I just got a call from the nephew that my guy was sent to hospice "the guy is 86 blind.lung cancer.heart issues". When I was at the hospital with my guy yesterday he looked at me and said I'm gonna die and that's just fine by me i've been ready to go. Turns out he is right. Most people I see max of 2 weeks. I'm non functional depressed about my guy. I've cried more today over this guy then i cried when my own grandfather died. I am not known to be so emotional about such things. In my head i'm glad he is going where ever it is people go. I loved this man he was go great to me. I am so heartbroken. Strange because i don't want to be sad THIS is what he wants and I know it. Acually by the time people get to hospice care they all want to go. I'm not ready 4 him to go. He has been my life for 2 years. I have done many Post-mortem care for patients after death "washing dressing body" I can't ever go and see this guy at the hospice center I called off work and cried all day. Yeah I got high too but, it still sucks just as much.
Oh, girl, your situation does suck. Of course youre heartbroken, even if he's ready, its a huge loss to you, even if hes still with us you know the time is short. Youre not sad for him, youre sad for you, they are two different things and its very understandable. Im a nurse whose background is hospice, and the good aides Ive worked with are angels on earth. You do something amazing with the connections you make with people. But it hurts when your people go. Just because youve seen a hundred die doesnt mean every one doesnt tear at you, even more so if you worked with them for a while.
Crying when youre grieving, even what they call anticipatory grief isnt a bad thing. But if you are nonfunctional maybe you could call the bereavement people at your hospice and let them know youre struggling? With most hospices, their bereavement stuff isnt just for patients families.
And I just want to thank you and say how much I appreciate the work you do, and how sympathetic I am to your situation. One time I left work for a quick lunch with my sister, started crying and couldnt stop for two weeks, the losses had just added up, never expected it but there it was. So I hear you.
Big hugs to you, try to care of you during this tough time.
Crying when youre grieving, even what they call anticipatory grief isnt a bad thing. But if you are nonfunctional maybe you could call the bereavement people at your hospice and let them know youre struggling? With most hospices, their bereavement stuff isnt just for patients families.
And I just want to thank you and say how much I appreciate the work you do, and how sympathetic I am to your situation. One time I left work for a quick lunch with my sister, started crying and couldnt stop for two weeks, the losses had just added up, never expected it but there it was. So I hear you.
Big hugs to you, try to care of you during this tough time.
Hi ZG,
I do so feel for you. I had an experience as a Final year student at Med school that really changed me. I was on a Paediatric ward and assigned to look after a 6 year old boy. This young lad had a rare form of leucodystrophy which was incurable. It was an inborn error of metabolism and It meant that this young boy had spent almost his entire short life in a hospital bed. There was basically nothing anyone could do for him accept make his quality of life the best we could. I only knew him for the 3 months of my attachment but in that time, I committed the cardinal sin of all doctors; I became emotionally attached to the lad and it began to affect me on an emotional level.
I can still remember his last hours in that bed even today as clear as daylight. I remember sitting by his bed as his breathing became more and more laboured and would adjust the levels on his oxygen tank and the drips feeding him the various drugs I.V. to help him as best I could. I asked him that if there was one thing in the world I could do for him, what would it be? He looked out the window and saw a group of boys kicking a ball around in the field outside his window and he said:" If I could have one wish, it would be to run around in that field kicking a football.".I looked at all the monitors and gadgets that we had him hooked up to and all the drugs we were pumping into his system and I'll tell you what; I had never felt so useless and helpless in all my life. The best medical care money could buy and it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
He died 4 hours and 23 minutes later. It just so happened I was the only one in his room at the time as his mum and sister had gone for a quick bite to eat. I remember holding his hand and as I held it, his grip gradually weakened and got less and less and less until it was finaly gone. I thought about pressing the emergency button but by that time he was gone. I stood up and left the room as it would soon be filled wth Docs and nurses and family. I walked into the Doctor's private rooms and I sat down and just cried and cried and cried. Until this day, I still don't know why I did that. I had lost many patients before but something about this boy touched a nerve inside me I never knew I possessed. It was that very night that I knew I could never be a doctor. Yes I passed all the exams. Yes I had an excellent bedside manner. But none of that mattered. I knew. Right there and then. "I can't do this". Afterwards his mum did a very strange thing. She came and gave me a hug and thanked me. I still can't fathom why she did that til this very day. It was an odd and a very surreal thing to do. How odd that she did that.
Please forgive me for such a negative response. I have wanted to share this experience for a very long time without it seeming trite or detracting from the point of the original thread. I'm sorry if it has offended or upset anyone. I never set out to do so. Please believe that.
R>
I do so feel for you. I had an experience as a Final year student at Med school that really changed me. I was on a Paediatric ward and assigned to look after a 6 year old boy. This young lad had a rare form of leucodystrophy which was incurable. It was an inborn error of metabolism and It meant that this young boy had spent almost his entire short life in a hospital bed. There was basically nothing anyone could do for him accept make his quality of life the best we could. I only knew him for the 3 months of my attachment but in that time, I committed the cardinal sin of all doctors; I became emotionally attached to the lad and it began to affect me on an emotional level.
I can still remember his last hours in that bed even today as clear as daylight. I remember sitting by his bed as his breathing became more and more laboured and would adjust the levels on his oxygen tank and the drips feeding him the various drugs I.V. to help him as best I could. I asked him that if there was one thing in the world I could do for him, what would it be? He looked out the window and saw a group of boys kicking a ball around in the field outside his window and he said:" If I could have one wish, it would be to run around in that field kicking a football.".I looked at all the monitors and gadgets that we had him hooked up to and all the drugs we were pumping into his system and I'll tell you what; I had never felt so useless and helpless in all my life. The best medical care money could buy and it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
He died 4 hours and 23 minutes later. It just so happened I was the only one in his room at the time as his mum and sister had gone for a quick bite to eat. I remember holding his hand and as I held it, his grip gradually weakened and got less and less and less until it was finaly gone. I thought about pressing the emergency button but by that time he was gone. I stood up and left the room as it would soon be filled wth Docs and nurses and family. I walked into the Doctor's private rooms and I sat down and just cried and cried and cried. Until this day, I still don't know why I did that. I had lost many patients before but something about this boy touched a nerve inside me I never knew I possessed. It was that very night that I knew I could never be a doctor. Yes I passed all the exams. Yes I had an excellent bedside manner. But none of that mattered. I knew. Right there and then. "I can't do this". Afterwards his mum did a very strange thing. She came and gave me a hug and thanked me. I still can't fathom why she did that til this very day. It was an odd and a very surreal thing to do. How odd that she did that.
Please forgive me for such a negative response. I have wanted to share this experience for a very long time without it seeming trite or detracting from the point of the original thread. I'm sorry if it has offended or upset anyone. I never set out to do so. Please believe that.
R>
MamaKitty: Yes, I agree i'm sad for me not him. I know he wanted this and was ready. He did die at 4:15pm today. I do physically care 100% for every person who I nurse aide for. I can keep my mental health in check by only focusing on comfort care. Mentally my thoughts almost never drift to the dark side of my job. I don't try to do anything other the make the person calm,clean, and comfortable by doing that I avoid the feeling of loss everytime a person dies. Most people I see are vaguely responsive to totally non responsive so I don't get a connection with them. This guy had all of his personality and was so intelligent. On every rational aspect of the situation there is no reason for my depression. He was old he had lived a wonderful fulfilling life traveled the world made great friends and enjoyed being alive. I'm going to miss his company for a long time. Very few people do I connect with the way I connected with this man. No need to thank me for my work, if ask a week ago I would say there was nothing on earth i'ld rather be doing. Today I think any job would be easier then mine. I know about bereavement support I am to hard headed to admit to people in my work/family how much losing this guy hurts I feel so foolish for being hurt.
reshie: I had no clue you did medical work. Thanks for sharing your story. I have many medical stories good and bad but, I don't let them get me like this has. Guess you can only see so much till your brain breaks. I did not think what you wrote was a negative response, I think it was a appropriate reply to my post. I do know my work is what I need to and should do. I am just suprised by my own emotions about this ONE death. If this had happend years ago I think I might look for another job. I know tommorw I'm going to go to work and start over. I'm not gonna let it be known that this is so painful. I've seen other aides and nurses cry over a loss but, i've never done it on the job. I am not so sure how many years I can do my work and still keep some sanity.
reshie: I had no clue you did medical work. Thanks for sharing your story. I have many medical stories good and bad but, I don't let them get me like this has. Guess you can only see so much till your brain breaks. I did not think what you wrote was a negative response, I think it was a appropriate reply to my post. I do know my work is what I need to and should do. I am just suprised by my own emotions about this ONE death. If this had happend years ago I think I might look for another job. I know tommorw I'm going to go to work and start over. I'm not gonna let it be known that this is so painful. I've seen other aides and nurses cry over a loss but, i've never done it on the job. I am not so sure how many years I can do my work and still keep some sanity.
ZG, I am sorry for your loss, I know how much you care for your patients.
As an urban teacher in a high poverty school I am often faced with the dreadful situations of my students, so I also worry sometimes about how long I can last without taking the work home with me. Abuse, domestic violence, gangs...all of it is constantly present in the lives of my kids. In my school of 500 students we have 5 children who have witnessed the murder of their primary caregiver...most teachers go their entire careers without ever having to deal with one such traumatized child (but they question our low test scores...duh). I did attach to one boy whose story was not all that unusual, but for some reason he touched me deeply...I still see him though it's been 4 years since he was in my classroom, but not as often as I would like...social services has made it obscenely difficult for me to be more involved, requiring all sorts of ridiculously complex paperwork and what have you. I don't know why I got as involved as I did, maybe he was some sort of touchstone for me, a reminder that we CAN change a life for the better.
Do your grieving and remember that you meant as much to him as he did to you...and that you are doing God's work (whether you are a believer or not).
Peace ~ M&M
As an urban teacher in a high poverty school I am often faced with the dreadful situations of my students, so I also worry sometimes about how long I can last without taking the work home with me. Abuse, domestic violence, gangs...all of it is constantly present in the lives of my kids. In my school of 500 students we have 5 children who have witnessed the murder of their primary caregiver...most teachers go their entire careers without ever having to deal with one such traumatized child (but they question our low test scores...duh). I did attach to one boy whose story was not all that unusual, but for some reason he touched me deeply...I still see him though it's been 4 years since he was in my classroom, but not as often as I would like...social services has made it obscenely difficult for me to be more involved, requiring all sorts of ridiculously complex paperwork and what have you. I don't know why I got as involved as I did, maybe he was some sort of touchstone for me, a reminder that we CAN change a life for the better.
Do your grieving and remember that you meant as much to him as he did to you...and that you are doing God's work (whether you are a believer or not).
Peace ~ M&M
TY momnmore: i can tell by your reply you got a understanding thru your students of what i'm dealing with. My fiance is a teacher but, he teaches in the most affluent school within 300 miles. Like you said when something awful happens at work it's hard to not bring it home. I went to schools much like where you teach. Poverty, gangs, teen pregnancy, and domestic violence all daily issues. It's hard to teach kids that can not focas on school work. I was the rare kid that escaped by reading books and learning.
My guy will be buried Tuesday I'm going to attend the services. Today I was with his nephew helping to pack up belongings and make arrangements. My guy lived in a facility he still owned his own home but, he choose to live in the facility for company. He had his own apartment this was not a nursing home but, rather a retirement senior living place. I saw him as his personal private nurse aide. Many of the staff had tears in their eyes other residents expressed how much he will be missed. Made me think what a unique man he was, he was a easy person to love. I'm trying to come to terms my own life will change now. He was my main patient he was as much my companion as I was his. I am getting waves of deperssion one moment i'll feel okay the next i'll go somewhere and cry. Thankfully all day I held my emotions in check while with his nephew. I was not expecting it at all but, I learned today I was in his will and once things are settled and cleared with the IRS I will get what "my guy" noted as my bonus. Money of course is nice but, if gave a choice i'ld rather just have him around. My guy had no children and his wife of 54 years passed two years ago.
My guy will be buried Tuesday I'm going to attend the services. Today I was with his nephew helping to pack up belongings and make arrangements. My guy lived in a facility he still owned his own home but, he choose to live in the facility for company. He had his own apartment this was not a nursing home but, rather a retirement senior living place. I saw him as his personal private nurse aide. Many of the staff had tears in their eyes other residents expressed how much he will be missed. Made me think what a unique man he was, he was a easy person to love. I'm trying to come to terms my own life will change now. He was my main patient he was as much my companion as I was his. I am getting waves of deperssion one moment i'll feel okay the next i'll go somewhere and cry. Thankfully all day I held my emotions in check while with his nephew. I was not expecting it at all but, I learned today I was in his will and once things are settled and cleared with the IRS I will get what "my guy" noted as my bonus. Money of course is nice but, if gave a choice i'ld rather just have him around. My guy had no children and his wife of 54 years passed two years ago.
Wow. I am sitting here crying over your stories. Thank you for sharing.
When my Mom died after a long cancer battle, I confided to a friend of hers that I didn't expect it to hurt so much. We all knew it was coming and I truly didn't want to see her suffer anymore. She said, "that is the price of love". It has been two and a half years and I still miss her dearly. I wish I had her to talk to every single day.
I'm sorry for your loss ZG. I'm sure you would agree that your life is richer because you knew him and vice versa. Reshie - You also made that childs life richer. You say you don't understand why the parent hugged and thanked you. I do. You were more than just another medical person to her and the child and they both knew it. Thank God for people like you. You make the trouble that people are going through alot easier. You will also be remembered for your kindness and caring.
When my Mom died after a long cancer battle, I confided to a friend of hers that I didn't expect it to hurt so much. We all knew it was coming and I truly didn't want to see her suffer anymore. She said, "that is the price of love". It has been two and a half years and I still miss her dearly. I wish I had her to talk to every single day.
I'm sorry for your loss ZG. I'm sure you would agree that your life is richer because you knew him and vice versa. Reshie - You also made that childs life richer. You say you don't understand why the parent hugged and thanked you. I do. You were more than just another medical person to her and the child and they both knew it. Thank God for people like you. You make the trouble that people are going through alot easier. You will also be remembered for your kindness and caring.
AliceP: Sorry to make ya cry. I was expecting this outcome yet like you said I was shocked at how much it hurt me. My guy had lung cancer I've watched him cough up blood months on end, small amounts. I knew I was watching a slow death, usually I see death happen over hours or a few days. My fiance was suprised also at my depression. It's so unlike me to even be moved by death on a noticable level. Tommorw is his funeral I am pretty sure I won't be able to look at him in a casket. I've been hiding out in my bathroom and garage to cry. By far I know my life was enriched just by knowing this man. I'm sure i've learned a little more about how empty life is in the end. I shared so much in common with this man far as world views. Strange a 86 year old man and a 33 year old women would share any life views. This guy I admired because he was so intellectual. 86 and blind but, his mind was all there. We talked religion, politics, and travel. He was a Navy captain wold war 2 and Korea veteran. He retired as a top chemical engineer for proctor and gamble. He was a Free Mason and a Shriner. At his old age he was the guy who just by walking into a room people respected him by the the way he presented himself. His presence will be missed I'm sure he is someone i'll remember the rest of my own days.
ZG,
I remember "your lady". I know you had a great relationship with her. I know you cared for her hubby so much.
All I can say is I am sorry. I'm sorry you are hurting.
Want to know what is really, really weird? Mind you I am not trippin. We have ghosts in my house. That or some kind of imprint. Neighbors have seen and heard them, friends, family. If you are recording on video you hear them. They say all kinds of things this is why I think they're an imprint.
Anyway, the other day he says "Anne Marie Roberts is in hospice". I don't know any Anne Marie Roberts. Weird though hospice came up.
It won't help you I know, but pay careful attention and you will get a sign from your man. He crossed over. It may be he's in a better place to help you now just as you took care of him and his wife. That kind of grateful doesn't die.
Again I am so sorry. Watch you get an Anne Marie Roberts to care for.
BTW, I give you props. I send you kudos. When I went back to school I went for Medical Lab Technology. I had all those courses with people going to become RN's. Everybody told me to continue. Keep going. You'd be a great nurse. WHAT? I could stick a baby for a PKU or billirubin like nobody's business. They're babies. Unless they've reincarnated they haven't been through it yet.
Elderly people? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my heart! Live a full life. World War heroes. Women that fed ten kids on nothing. People seeing the depression and you end up like that? It killed me. I'd be locked up for being Kavorkian's assistant if I'd have kept on. I hated even sticking elderly people I felt so da*ned bad. They've been through enough. I so give you props honey.
Take care tomorrow and let us know how you are, O.K.?
I remember "your lady". I know you had a great relationship with her. I know you cared for her hubby so much.
All I can say is I am sorry. I'm sorry you are hurting.
Want to know what is really, really weird? Mind you I am not trippin. We have ghosts in my house. That or some kind of imprint. Neighbors have seen and heard them, friends, family. If you are recording on video you hear them. They say all kinds of things this is why I think they're an imprint.
Anyway, the other day he says "Anne Marie Roberts is in hospice". I don't know any Anne Marie Roberts. Weird though hospice came up.
It won't help you I know, but pay careful attention and you will get a sign from your man. He crossed over. It may be he's in a better place to help you now just as you took care of him and his wife. That kind of grateful doesn't die.
Again I am so sorry. Watch you get an Anne Marie Roberts to care for.
BTW, I give you props. I send you kudos. When I went back to school I went for Medical Lab Technology. I had all those courses with people going to become RN's. Everybody told me to continue. Keep going. You'd be a great nurse. WHAT? I could stick a baby for a PKU or billirubin like nobody's business. They're babies. Unless they've reincarnated they haven't been through it yet.
Elderly people? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my heart! Live a full life. World War heroes. Women that fed ten kids on nothing. People seeing the depression and you end up like that? It killed me. I'd be locked up for being Kavorkian's assistant if I'd have kept on. I hated even sticking elderly people I felt so da*ned bad. They've been through enough. I so give you props honey.
Take care tomorrow and let us know how you are, O.K.?
How did the service go, honey?
Hope you are alright.
Hope you are alright.
Brynda, thanks so much for asking. As far as funerals go I would say it went well. He had a Masonic ceremony. The man told me several times he did not belive in a God, he did belive when he first joined the Freemason. He had strong moral law he lived by. It was the first Freemanson funeral I had ever attended. I would say close to 75 people were there in total. Several people came directly to me and thanked me for my care to the guy and his wife. Several more people told me how much the guy talked about me "in a good way". I was thankful to be acknowledged as a important person to him. I had decided not to view him in his coffin however he was in it in a way it was possible to view the body from the back of the room "grr". I still never got close to the coffin. From what I did see he looked fabulous and peaceful, empty. A few people showed some emotion as a whole everyone attending had a acceptance of the situation. It was light hearted as I know he would have wanted it. Near the end of the service as everyone was getting in cars to drive to the cemetery I started crying. I decided I had enough and I did not follow everyone to the cemetery, I left and went home. On his card he had chosen this saying I think it was fitting and simple "Afterglow" I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one. I'd like to leave a afterglow of smiles when day is done. I'd like to leave a echo whispering softly down the ways, Of happy times, and laughing times, and bright and sunny days. I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun, of happy memories that I leave when my life is done.
Sounds like he had a good life and was at peace. Hang in there ZG. It is never easy to lose a loved one. It doesn't matter how old they are or how sick. It still hurts.
