I had a boyfriend on and off for 6 years he was heavy into drugs. No matter how many times he got help he couldn't stop. But I remember when we first started dating i was this sweet little innocent girl. We had been dating maybe two months when he asked if I want to smoke. I didn't know what to say. I was nervouse and i felt like if I said no hed leave. So I smoked.
It was my first love Marijuana..it was like it took me out of the world and into another place. I loved it. I loved how creative I got when I smoked. I could help but fall in love.
I only smoked with him at first because i was new to this stuff I didn't want people to judge me. Then it started. My love got worse. I craved it every chance i got. When I was with him i not only smoked but I popped pills too. Don't ask me what they were because I couldn't tell you. He gave i took. When me and my boyfriend broke up I felt sad and depressed. I didn't know how else to handle it. So I smoked my pain away. I didn't touch pills for awhile after that
I said I would stop i was then the bad sibling. And I wanted my family to be proud but it didn't last long. I couldn't afford what I wanted so I started telling my friends if they smoked me up Id sleep with them. That's what happend. I look back on it now and regret it but I was craving it. I said and made a promise to myself that no matter how bad my addiction got it wouldn't get in the way of my schooling. Which ment never going to school high.
I car pooled with a bunch of people and they couldn't aford to pay me in cash so I started up again. I said you smoke me up then don't worry about the money. So they did. We smoked on the way to school at least twice a week. At first I was like f*** I can't do this I need to focus. My buddies just laughed as we sat through our first class together. This went on for awhile. I smoked before school and after school. It had became who i was.
On March 17,2010 i got into an car crash. No I was not high i was on my way to get high but I wasn't high. The whole time i was more focused on smoking than I was on the fact I just crashed. No car ment no marijuana. I craved it since I was in physical pain. But I kept my cool around my parents.
That's when my pain got worse and the proscribed me pills. Now I was in trouble. I abused them and said im in pain. But really I just wanted to get high. This went on for at least a year till I finally told a friend what was happening. He flushed my pills down the toliet and told me to go to sleep or at least try. The first couple of days were hard. But I got through it.
I can now say I am 5 years clean. The cravings never go away. I just learned how to deal with them and distract myself from the thoughts.
My recovery began in a recovery home in 1989 then straight into AA/NA.
I committed to the program and the cravings/compulsion left in the first year.
It has been decades since I entertained the thoughts of drinking/using.
My life today is a continuing practice on living sober/clean using The 12 Steps.
They told me: "If you sober up a drunken horse-thief you still have a horse-thief"
Putting the booze/drugs down is just the beginning... if I want the whole recovery benefit.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
I committed to the program and the cravings/compulsion left in the first year.
It has been decades since I entertained the thoughts of drinking/using.
My life today is a continuing practice on living sober/clean using The 12 Steps.
They told me: "If you sober up a drunken horse-thief you still have a horse-thief"
Putting the booze/drugs down is just the beginning... if I want the whole recovery benefit.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
honestly this got to me... omg it felt like I'm reading my life, I'm going thru this right now and i feel hopeless please help... i feel like nobody understands me:(
Hi liz001 - you are not alone - we all feel hopeless from time to time- it is a manifestation of this disease we share- when you feel alone or that nobody understands you - reach out to fellow addicts at NA meetings or on this site- very few people understand the mind of an addict- except for fellow addicts- you will always find somebody here who has a similar outlook on life- or has been through the same sort of feelings you are experiencing- dont give up hope liz, some days it is all we have to hang on to- never give up on yourself- life can and will improve if you listen to the advice from the people who post on this site, i have found them all to be so helpful- non judgemental and honest- honesty is so important in recovery- nobody on this site will dress it up- they will tell you what you need to hear- they have been there and done it - so heed their advice good luck liz- keep reaching out -
