....here in Southern California. Some of you may have read the post that my sister, Rachel, posted a couple of weeks ago about her friend, who was found dead in his Prison cell, he hung himself...he couldn't get off the stuff even in prison. He was clean and sober before....but went out, as the result of that relapse he went out and is now dead. Today, at my Home group meeting there was a couple who are here visiting because his sister committed suicide, shot herself thru the head, leaves behind a four year old daughter...she'd been around for about six years, got a couple years of sobriety and went out and couldn't make it back...she thought suicide was her only option. A guy who had 23 years of sobriety, stopped going to meetings, stopped working the steps, and tried to fly solo...he picked up a drink and now has less than 3 weeks of sobriety...his wife attended the meeting with him today...they are in fear that he won't make it...but those of us who are doing it one day at a time know there is hope...I'm taking a young gal thru the Steps who really doesn't want to live, but little by little, and I mean little by little...her hope and her will to live are being restored. I know up close and personal the insanity of this disease...some of you know a portion of my story, but not all of it, and today I can walk with a clear conscious and know that I am cleaning up the wreckage of my past, no longer do I have to lug around all that crap, by working my Program, it is liberating and it is freeing....but for the grace of God go I, I wanted to die too, however, I was spared; I should've died on 19 November 2003, however I was given my life back on 22 November 2003, you see I took my last drink on 21 November 2003...as I post often there is hope and there is a solution! There is a better way of life for those of you who are still struggling...I truly believe there are three options at the end of our drinking careers, if you be an alcoholic like me, jails, institutions or death. There is a way of life in which to relieve the obsession and cravings for drugs and alcohol and there is way to not to have to white-knuckle sobriety. I for one am grateful that I have been given the true gift of sobriety....the alternative is not what I want today. Long post, but I wanted drive home how deadly serious this thing is.
VW Girl.......I have never seen you write quite so eloquently! THIS IS WHY I COME TO THIS BOARD FOR SUPPORT!!! THANK YOU!!!!
Thank you for your words VW! You truly are an element in my life that helps me stay sober!
Your Friend
Thank you for your words VW! You truly are an element in my life that helps me stay sober!
Your Friend
Thanks Val, I've been really emotional today and took a long walk with my sister down to the beach and also had dinner at a little beach cafe. For me, picking up a drink or cocaine is like Russian roulette ~ I know either one or both will cause my demise, not sure when, what time but it will happen eventually if I forget where I came from...and it probably wouldn't be quick...it is with utmost humility that I post the brevity of this disease to all of you...for me I do not have the luxury to rest on my laurels, I have to keep this thing in remission and that requires action on my part...hope you are starting to turn the corner and are feeling better!
Thanks Vw.....I wish I had a sister to talk to like you do. You and Rach seem to be the best of friends. How wonderful to have someone who has walked your walk to talk to. I have been feeling just real blue the last couple of days. I don't know why. Absolutely nothing in my life to be bummed out about. Sometimes I think my alkie/addict mind creates problems to set up a relapse for me. I usually see it happening before my eyes so I don't let it get me. I won't either. Last night was kind of weird. I had a real bad pancreatic attack out of the blue. It lasted for two hours. I didn't wake up my hubby though. I kept telling myself that if it still hurts in a half hour I would wake him to take me to the E.R. It went away thankfully. I was like some crazy person talking to my stomach! LOL...It was like those crazy people you see on the street talking to themselves. I was telling my stomach that if it was gonna hurt and I hadn't even had a drink in 11 months then I would drive straight to the liquor store and give it a reason to hurt. Sounds crazy and I am glad my H. did hear me. I was just really pissed. No booze and still stomach problems. THe doctor did tell me that it could happen at any given moment even sober since I had screwed it up so much. Oh well...I am already feeling better with this little venting to you. I appreciate the ear. How did your daughters surgery go? Did you take her to that already. Sorry if you answered it somewhere else and you are repeating yourself. I just didn't feel up to reading all old posts. Thanks again for your kind words and for letting me vent. Getting it out really does help.
Val, yep, you are absolutely right, that's that thing in between your ears, your head trying to get the best of you...that alcoholic thinking...remember this too shall pass. I know it sounds trite but the depression will lift and just think about how much more you would be depressed if you drank! You are doing well, and that pancreatic thing is scary though...as you probably are aware that right upper quadrant under our rib area gets slammed with drinking by abusing any kind of drugs...the liver, the pancreas and the gall bladder get just worked over when they have process any of that crap...so I've been told by the medical community...you just hang in there, You're right I am so fortunate to be so tight with my sister, however it didn't use to be that way...I was the type of drunk no one wanted be around....and it makes her sick some of the stuff I did...but it is so nice to be in recovery with her. Get some rest and tomorrow is a new day! You have my email address, feel free to contact me should you need to chat or just vent!
Thanks for the support VWGirl...I really appreciate it today. I need to just snap out of it for Christ's Sake! I have a good life and I am being Debbie Downer...aka Negative Nelly! It will pass. Yeah the pancreatitus sucks! I already had my gall bladder removed. It's aweful. I didn't drink and I won't drink today. I know my addict brain is trying to sabatoge me. Not gonna work though. I will be just fine. Tomorrow I think I will go for some retail therapy and a massage. Only a Band-aid I know but it will work for now. LOL Thanks again for letting me bleed on ya. Sometimes all people need is to just get it out and not let it swirl around in our brains. I am gonna get some good sleep tonight since I barely slept last night. Chat at ya tomorrow. Thanks again you have no idea how much you helped!
Hey VWG and Val sweet posts they show how by posting we can carry the message about every aspect of addiction. At the end of the day addiction wants me dead either spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically and anyway it can it will try to achieve this for the rest of my life. One day at a time i will not give it the energy it needs, and via any means possible i will live a sober lfe, no matter what my drinking head says. KEEP POSTING as your wisdom is helping this grateful alky.
Light and love zac
Light and love zac
That's it Zac, we can be dead in so many forms, in fact, I was like the walking dead at the end of my drinking and drugging career. Thanks for your post.
Valarie, For me, sometimes I can do superfluous activities to mask what's really going on...but, and again this is just for me, I've got to get down and find out what is causing the "malady" I'm going through...it helps to clear my mind and also to enjoy my life so much more, but shopping is good too ~ lol!!!!!!!
As Zac mentioned you'd be a breath of fresh air to AA meetings, I use to know someone who attended meetings at the CM Alano club.
Valarie, For me, sometimes I can do superfluous activities to mask what's really going on...but, and again this is just for me, I've got to get down and find out what is causing the "malady" I'm going through...it helps to clear my mind and also to enjoy my life so much more, but shopping is good too ~ lol!!!!!!!
As Zac mentioned you'd be a breath of fresh air to AA meetings, I use to know someone who attended meetings at the CM Alano club.
