hello all and good morning to all my friends. i tend to want to isolate lately and pain shared is healing so here goes.
the dreaded day has arrived... my 19 year old son comes to me and says mom, i am moving out, i want to move 2 hours away and get an apartment with my best friend who is going to switch to a different college after this semester is over and we want to get an apartment together, omg! i am dying inside, but want to let my son know i support him. mom, if it doesnt work out, can i come back?
of course you can son, this is your home forever.
of course as usual this couldnt of come at at worse time, as an addict i try so hard not to project, but in the autumn of my life, i have had a range of emotions. menopause, aging, the loss of my parents i will have to face one day, the loss of my beloved animals is coming, the loss of my failing marriage and the loss of my sons living here at home with me.
i am always reminded from meetings,YOU DONT HAVE TO USE NO MATTER WHAT!
I know that from my issues as a child, i cling to my sons for the warmth and security they provide me, i feel safe having them in my existance, as well as the animals provide that too, but i have to learn to let go, julie will be ok when the boys are gone, i wont have a partner to share my golden years with, and then i ask myself, do i need that? i have my friends, my church activities, i can finally do everything i dont have time for now, play my piano, read, i can have a spare room to set up an ironing board to iron my clothes as needed, i desparately need closet space for my clothes, i dream,what would it be like to have a walk in closet??? i can set up my sewing machine!
i dont forsee me ever pursuing another realtionship for i dont have a clue how to be in one without me allowing that partner to use and abuse me.
i thought that maybe i would have a relationship with my still single sister in our golden years together, but i cant be around her, she is toxic to my recovery, and after what happened in april between the two of us, i now realize i have to keep up that boundary with her until she decides to accept my recovery.
i am so undecided as to stay in my home as i age, there are so many things i love about my home, my beautiful flower garden that takes years to mature, it now is starting to benefit from all the love i have put into it, the nature here is unbelievable, i feel safe with the neighbors that surround me, my custom made beauty shop in the basement, my pool and my deck, i could go on and on, BUT i cant keep up with it now, so how will i be able to when i am old? maintaining the yard work and closing and opening of the pool, shoveling snow, raking leaves in this neighborhood that has massive trees where our yards are knee deep with the leaves in the fall. i will not be able to maintain all that when my boys are on their own.
i need to stop worrying about all this i know, but the thoughts do occur and i try to push them out and share here what i am feeling.
this recovery stuff is hard, but i am grateful i have a healthier way to look at it today because of all my hard work i have put into it,
my sons says mom, i need to start my life, he hugs me and says, i love you mom, i say i love you too son, i know, i know son, thanks for letting me share love julie
Jewels,
Sometimes I don't respond to posts that I want to because I can't think of what to say. And as usual I don't know what to say to you. My daughter is 11 so I have a while with her but as a mother you know how fast the time flies. I know it probably sounds kind of generic but really try to focus on the positive things in your life. The fact that you raised a son who feels confident enough to go out in the world and try to make it on his own is a great compliment to you as a mother. I will be praying for you.
Shelly
Sometimes I don't respond to posts that I want to because I can't think of what to say. And as usual I don't know what to say to you. My daughter is 11 so I have a while with her but as a mother you know how fast the time flies. I know it probably sounds kind of generic but really try to focus on the positive things in your life. The fact that you raised a son who feels confident enough to go out in the world and try to make it on his own is a great compliment to you as a mother. I will be praying for you.
Shelly
awwww!! thank you for those kind words, i guess that is how i should look at it, i did do a good job, i will try and keep that in mind when i start feeling scared and thank you so much for the prayers God bless jukie
Julie..........there is alot I would like to say about this subject, but unfortunately I've got to get to the hospital. Mother had surgery yesterday. So, for now i'm just going to say that as always you are in my prayers!
Julie,
Hey honey...sorry to hear your going through such a hard time..
Please dont forget to give yourself a pat on the back..
The fact that your son is ready and wanting to leave the nest and go out on his own, means that you as his Mother have done a good job...Its what all parents should hope for, that they can instill enough confidence and independence in their child that they can one day go out into the world independently and have a wonderful life...
Change is alway scary, and some deal with it better then others..I have friends that thrive and feel most alive only when their life is constantly changing..myself? I loath it...so i completely understand your anxiety at your sons impending move from home as well as your fear of the future yet unknown..
fact is i have always suffered from one form or another of seperation anxiety and in the past have stayed in situations far longer then I should have just to avoid the anxiety of change- so i really do know what you must be feeling right now..
Julie- fear of change became such a self fufilling prophecy for me that I fell in love with and married my husband Herb- a man 30 plus years my senior...and Im now at a point where our age difference can not be ignored so easily and I spend many a night lying beside him, almost unable to breathe with the fear of losing him...
Like you i worry about what lies down the road...how will I..how can i even function without him..put one foot in front of the other and breathe i suppose..but even that seems impossible to me as a life without Herb is infathomable.
We all have to deal with the fact that no matter how much we stave it off..we will one day get old..lose our youthful looks..our skin will wrinkle, our bodies and bones will age..we may have to depend on others to help us to do things we can no longer do for ourselves...its nice to think that we have someone to walk hand in hand with duing that time in our lives...for me...growing old along side my husband isnt in my future, and as hard as I try.. no amount of ignoring or denying it can change that fact.
I guess all we can do is live in the now...something I force myself to do, as doing anything else is cheating myself and Herb of the time we still have together. We stayed up till 5:45 a.m. this morning, watching the lunar eclipse... sat holding hands on our lawn chairs in the front yard with candles glowing and drinking Chai tea..just staring at the moon changing its color and form...it was a great night. Living in the moment.
Enjoy the time you and your son still have before he moves out..the blessing is that for you- he will remain a phone call away, and remind yourself that his leaving is something that reflects well on you as his Mother. You've done your job. and he'll be home again to visit you on holidays or long weekends..dirty laundy in tote..lol..
The rest will work itself out honey..."Let go and let God" You'll be fine..and Im sure your son will be there for you to help you make those decisions when and if they need to be made...Your blessed to have that...and to have such a loving and supportive son.
Sending you a hug and loving support
Ali
Hey honey...sorry to hear your going through such a hard time..
Please dont forget to give yourself a pat on the back..
The fact that your son is ready and wanting to leave the nest and go out on his own, means that you as his Mother have done a good job...Its what all parents should hope for, that they can instill enough confidence and independence in their child that they can one day go out into the world independently and have a wonderful life...
Change is alway scary, and some deal with it better then others..I have friends that thrive and feel most alive only when their life is constantly changing..myself? I loath it...so i completely understand your anxiety at your sons impending move from home as well as your fear of the future yet unknown..
fact is i have always suffered from one form or another of seperation anxiety and in the past have stayed in situations far longer then I should have just to avoid the anxiety of change- so i really do know what you must be feeling right now..
Julie- fear of change became such a self fufilling prophecy for me that I fell in love with and married my husband Herb- a man 30 plus years my senior...and Im now at a point where our age difference can not be ignored so easily and I spend many a night lying beside him, almost unable to breathe with the fear of losing him...
Like you i worry about what lies down the road...how will I..how can i even function without him..put one foot in front of the other and breathe i suppose..but even that seems impossible to me as a life without Herb is infathomable.
We all have to deal with the fact that no matter how much we stave it off..we will one day get old..lose our youthful looks..our skin will wrinkle, our bodies and bones will age..we may have to depend on others to help us to do things we can no longer do for ourselves...its nice to think that we have someone to walk hand in hand with duing that time in our lives...for me...growing old along side my husband isnt in my future, and as hard as I try.. no amount of ignoring or denying it can change that fact.
I guess all we can do is live in the now...something I force myself to do, as doing anything else is cheating myself and Herb of the time we still have together. We stayed up till 5:45 a.m. this morning, watching the lunar eclipse... sat holding hands on our lawn chairs in the front yard with candles glowing and drinking Chai tea..just staring at the moon changing its color and form...it was a great night. Living in the moment.
Enjoy the time you and your son still have before he moves out..the blessing is that for you- he will remain a phone call away, and remind yourself that his leaving is something that reflects well on you as his Mother. You've done your job. and he'll be home again to visit you on holidays or long weekends..dirty laundy in tote..lol..
The rest will work itself out honey..."Let go and let God" You'll be fine..and Im sure your son will be there for you to help you make those decisions when and if they need to be made...Your blessed to have that...and to have such a loving and supportive son.
Sending you a hug and loving support
Ali
alicap!!! where have you been????
i noticed that you stopped posting and i want to say i have truly missed your support!
That was a beautiful post you wrote me, thank you!
you made me realize that it IS change i am fearing! concerning my wrinkles, my future, my son leaving.
i forgot about looking outside at the eclipse!
how romantic to have shared that with herb!
so tell me, what have you been up to? what made you stop posting?
love jewels
i noticed that you stopped posting and i want to say i have truly missed your support!
That was a beautiful post you wrote me, thank you!
you made me realize that it IS change i am fearing! concerning my wrinkles, my future, my son leaving.
i forgot about looking outside at the eclipse!
how romantic to have shared that with herb!
so tell me, what have you been up to? what made you stop posting?
love jewels
Its hard when they grow up..my oldest is graduating college next month.
Sweet Jewels:
Oh, how I can relate. Having 3 sons, I rememer the best years was when I was always the last one awake and I would go in and check on all 3 - to make sure they were breathing - that doesn't stop when they aren't a baby anymore.
I went to bed so content and happy, I just drifted off to sleep. And then the teenage years came and I stayed at my kitchen window watching for them to arrive home safely.
My innocence - my whole family's was lost when my 18 yr old was killed by a drunk driver - along with my first husband and my son's 19 yr old girlfriend.
15 yrs old was a bad age for all 3 of my sons - not drinking or drugs, just not a lot of fun. I was so, so happy that we had our sweet relationship back before he died.
Then the middle son left for college and I cried. He graduated from Furman which was about 10 minutes from our house and I still cried. It was funny, he followed me home b/c he had left his alarm clock.
My older 2 were 8 and 10 when my youngest was born so when they were gone, he was like an only child. He is a social butterfly and was gone so much - I didn't think it would be so hard but it was. He graduated from Clemson, about an hour away and I cried. You could call me the the town crier.
I didn't let them see me, not during my heavy cries - I acted so excited for them, I didn't want them to worry about me and you know how sons are about their Mothers. They still worry about me with all of this divorce thing.
I didn't raise no Mama's boys, they are completely on their own.
We are Mothers.
They are ours to watch over and to be trusted in our care. I can tell you have done that.
Much love, and it will get easier.
Becky
Oh, how I can relate. Having 3 sons, I rememer the best years was when I was always the last one awake and I would go in and check on all 3 - to make sure they were breathing - that doesn't stop when they aren't a baby anymore.
I went to bed so content and happy, I just drifted off to sleep. And then the teenage years came and I stayed at my kitchen window watching for them to arrive home safely.
My innocence - my whole family's was lost when my 18 yr old was killed by a drunk driver - along with my first husband and my son's 19 yr old girlfriend.
15 yrs old was a bad age for all 3 of my sons - not drinking or drugs, just not a lot of fun. I was so, so happy that we had our sweet relationship back before he died.
Then the middle son left for college and I cried. He graduated from Furman which was about 10 minutes from our house and I still cried. It was funny, he followed me home b/c he had left his alarm clock.
My older 2 were 8 and 10 when my youngest was born so when they were gone, he was like an only child. He is a social butterfly and was gone so much - I didn't think it would be so hard but it was. He graduated from Clemson, about an hour away and I cried. You could call me the the town crier.
I didn't let them see me, not during my heavy cries - I acted so excited for them, I didn't want them to worry about me and you know how sons are about their Mothers. They still worry about me with all of this divorce thing.
I didn't raise no Mama's boys, they are completely on their own.
We are Mothers.
They are ours to watch over and to be trusted in our care. I can tell you have done that.
Much love, and it will get easier.
Becky
Jewels....you are a kind person with a pure heart..I hope this transition isn't too hard on you. My girl is 28 and it hurt like hell when she left. Love is love, regardless of geography. I will say a prayer for you.You have always been so very sweet and helpful to me. Love, Sharonn
Oh, I forgot, get a dog or 2 - I see your dogs - are they inside pets. When my youngest was a senior in HS, we got Dude - my son named him and then 2 years later came Max. They are Shih Zus, do not shed. That sold me on them and they are so cute. We keep the puppy cut. They are on an animal thread here somewhere within the last week I think. I promise they keep me sane. I get in the floor and fight/play with them and I am laughing out loud. E'one should have one. We had always had Killer - named him that as a joke b/c he was a runt. He grew to be about 25 pounds but was an outside dog - fenced backyard. As he got older, he lived to be 13, we would let him in the gameroom to sleep.
He was a perect pet and the smartest that we have ever had. He was a mix of a few breeds but looked like a small Golden Reteiver.
These little nuts are just for fun. Dude is a poser, he loves to stand with his hair blowing in the wind and Max, well, Max is just an entertainer.
I'm getting the dogs for sure.
Love, Becky
He was a perect pet and the smartest that we have ever had. He was a mix of a few breeds but looked like a small Golden Reteiver.
These little nuts are just for fun. Dude is a poser, he loves to stand with his hair blowing in the wind and Max, well, Max is just an entertainer.
I'm getting the dogs for sure.
Love, Becky
Dear Julie,
Thanks for noticing my absence..lol..
I pop in every once in a while to check up on some of my favourite people
such as yourself, but have not posted till now..you are one of the sweetest and kindest people here so couldnt help but to post you a quick note of encouragement...
I just know you will face all the upcoming changes with strength and dignity, because you have more of it then i think you know or give yourself credit for.
Big Hugs
Ali
Thanks for noticing my absence..lol..
I pop in every once in a while to check up on some of my favourite people
such as yourself, but have not posted till now..you are one of the sweetest and kindest people here so couldnt help but to post you a quick note of encouragement...
I just know you will face all the upcoming changes with strength and dignity, because you have more of it then i think you know or give yourself credit for.
Big Hugs
Ali
well everyone, i am kinda embarassed i started this post as i projected, got myself all worked up and my son comes to me days later and says, mom i am not moving out now, i ask why?
he replies, it will cost him and his buddy $500 each a month and thats just rent, then he realized how much trouble it would be to have to transfer his college and job, so he's put it off for now and of course i couldnt be happier about his decision, although i am glad i had nothing to do with it not working out, otherwise he would be angry and blame me.
i have felt so depressed these last few days, i hope it goes away. love jewels
he replies, it will cost him and his buddy $500 each a month and thats just rent, then he realized how much trouble it would be to have to transfer his college and job, so he's put it off for now and of course i couldnt be happier about his decision, although i am glad i had nothing to do with it not working out, otherwise he would be angry and blame me.
i have felt so depressed these last few days, i hope it goes away. love jewels
Julie:
I'm happy for you. He will leave the nest soon enough - too soon for us Moms.
I know we all have funny stories but my youngest was born when my 2 sons were 8 and 10 from my 1st marriage (I call it my puppy love marriage) we were babies - it lasted 5 years and 2 little fellas.Anyway, when he was young (the baby, he lets me call him that - I only do so at home and to family - around his friends - he's Dave) he was like an only child with the 2 older ones gone only coming back to be big brothers. We would go school shopping and oh, how I hate to shop. He loves clothes - still does - even though he's paying for them now - and he knew I would just write checks to get out of the mall.
One year he wanted 2 pairs of shoes plus all of his school clothes - that was about $250 just in shoes and I said "We can't afford to buy 2 pars of shoes"
We were walking to the car - he was probably 14 and he was so serious and asked me "Mom, are we poor" I said ,"well, we aren't rich" I ask him why he thought we were poor and he said I had never told him that we couldn't afford shoes. I had to laugh. I tried to explain to him that you just don't go in and buy e'thing you want, that one day he would u'stand when he was paying his way. He looked at me and said "you mean it's going to be downhill from here on out" I had to laugh. I get tickled easy and he is so gullible. I just couldn't help it. I told him that I would leave enough life ins. to pay for the therapy that I had caused for him.
He now "Shops" with a capital S - his money now.
I still have their checking acct #'s in my address book from college and I love to make a surprise deposit and just send them the deposit slip.
My married son - I'm sure they make more than we do but it's Mom fun still.
I'm really happy that your 2 will be around a little longer.
Love, Becky
I'm happy for you. He will leave the nest soon enough - too soon for us Moms.
I know we all have funny stories but my youngest was born when my 2 sons were 8 and 10 from my 1st marriage (I call it my puppy love marriage) we were babies - it lasted 5 years and 2 little fellas.Anyway, when he was young (the baby, he lets me call him that - I only do so at home and to family - around his friends - he's Dave) he was like an only child with the 2 older ones gone only coming back to be big brothers. We would go school shopping and oh, how I hate to shop. He loves clothes - still does - even though he's paying for them now - and he knew I would just write checks to get out of the mall.
One year he wanted 2 pairs of shoes plus all of his school clothes - that was about $250 just in shoes and I said "We can't afford to buy 2 pars of shoes"
We were walking to the car - he was probably 14 and he was so serious and asked me "Mom, are we poor" I said ,"well, we aren't rich" I ask him why he thought we were poor and he said I had never told him that we couldn't afford shoes. I had to laugh. I tried to explain to him that you just don't go in and buy e'thing you want, that one day he would u'stand when he was paying his way. He looked at me and said "you mean it's going to be downhill from here on out" I had to laugh. I get tickled easy and he is so gullible. I just couldn't help it. I told him that I would leave enough life ins. to pay for the therapy that I had caused for him.
He now "Shops" with a capital S - his money now.
I still have their checking acct #'s in my address book from college and I love to make a surprise deposit and just send them the deposit slip.
My married son - I'm sure they make more than we do but it's Mom fun still.
I'm really happy that your 2 will be around a little longer.
Love, Becky