Well, I made it, and quite an experience it was.
When I arrived and walked into the room, I just crumpled up with fear, it was awful. One of the women kind of took over for me, got me in, got me a cup of tea, sat me down and said it was ok!
The main speaker over the other side of the room asked me how I was and I just said, 'scared'.
That was actually amazing; to sit in a room full of people and say I felt scared.
I didn't have to put the usual 'hey I'm ok man' performance on, and even though it was really hard just to be honest like that, it was a breakthrough at the same time.
When the meeting began I started to feel like I was going to cry! I really hoped it wasn't going to happen, that would of been so embarassing!
Fortunatley the urge to cry passed, but then I started feeling really sick. It was like oh no, I hope I don't have to get up and run to the toilets to throw up!
As I listened, I could relate to all of it really. I guess the symptoms of the illness are pretty much the same every which way you look at it. The meeting was thrown open and each of the three women talked about their lives with alcohol.
Fortunatly I stopped feeling so sick, but then I started feeling faint - I thought I was going to pass out!! That was awful as well - it would have been so embarassing, but fortunatley I managed to keep it together and stay grounded enough not to actually do it. Phew!
When everyone had spoken I was asked if I wanted to say anything, but I knew I just couldn't. The sound of my voice didn't sound like it was coming from my body, and I felt genuinely like I was spaced out. I was there in body, listening, but part of me was not in my body but around me. It was weird.
There was a man there who had been sober 40 years!! Another one 15, another one 10. That is amazing. I made sure to hang around a bit afterwards just to say hello and stuff to a few people. They were great actully, they kind of rallied round and made it alot easier and more comfortable for me. And they did seem to have that kind of happiness that I have read about these AA people having.
I am so pleased I went, I have been wanting to for quite a while now, but I actually did it. I had to, because the reality is that my life is just me hiding from alcohol and drugs. I am so consumed with fear, anxiety and lack of confidence that I just can't carry on living this way. I learnt last night that all that fear is actually because of all the drinking. Nerves....does that mean I have damaged my nervous system - that would make sense. I am a nervous wreck!!
Anyway, I get the AA thing now, it makes complete sense, even the saying I am an alcoholic part makes complete sense - acceptance, not denial.
Wow.
Good Morning Lacey,
I've felt the same way. When I went almost 3 yrs. ago. I would stand outside on the sidewalk & pretend I was talking on my cell phone walking back & forth. I was so paralized with fear I never went inside. It was a big meeting & I just couldn't go in. This time around I have only gone to mainly one place. The other group I went to was quite sm. in a small rm. Small table & a few chairs. I felt very uncomfortable. When I was chosen to speak I said I will pass. I wanted to get up & run out of the rm. I never went back. The place I've been going on & off the last couple of wks. is a lg uncrowded rm. I've spoken a couple of times but sure I sound like a bumbling idiot. Hopefully, my fear lack of confidence will subside one day. The main thing is I went & could relate to what was being said & didn't feel so isolated in this lonely world. I hope you have a wonderful wknd. By the way what does chuffed mean? I live in the states. Love, Chris
I've felt the same way. When I went almost 3 yrs. ago. I would stand outside on the sidewalk & pretend I was talking on my cell phone walking back & forth. I was so paralized with fear I never went inside. It was a big meeting & I just couldn't go in. This time around I have only gone to mainly one place. The other group I went to was quite sm. in a small rm. Small table & a few chairs. I felt very uncomfortable. When I was chosen to speak I said I will pass. I wanted to get up & run out of the rm. I never went back. The place I've been going on & off the last couple of wks. is a lg uncrowded rm. I've spoken a couple of times but sure I sound like a bumbling idiot. Hopefully, my fear lack of confidence will subside one day. The main thing is I went & could relate to what was being said & didn't feel so isolated in this lonely world. I hope you have a wonderful wknd. By the way what does chuffed mean? I live in the states. Love, Chris
Gidday Lacey
Despair feeds courage, courage brings hope, hope brings change, change brings faith in a higher power and your experience strength and hope in your post gave me a great way to start the day....thanks
Light and love zac
Despair feeds courage, courage brings hope, hope brings change, change brings faith in a higher power and your experience strength and hope in your post gave me a great way to start the day....thanks
Light and love zac
Cool.
Lookinup - chuffed means pleased!
Lookinup - chuffed means pleased!
Facing our fears is very empowering. Honesty is freeing. I shared with our marriage counsellor and my husband yesterday regarding my fears of males at meetings.
The cool part is I am willing to trust the process and trust myself. I wish that for you as well, Lacey.
Love and Light,
Diana
The cool part is I am willing to trust the process and trust myself. I wish that for you as well, Lacey.
Love and Light,
Diana
Lacey
I'm so proud of you for facing your fears. You are a great inspiration and addition to the board.
Idg.
I'm so proud of you for facing your fears. You are a great inspiration and addition to the board.
Idg.
I am glad I have faced it all aswell, rather than just trying to pretend it didn't exist and that I am ok.
I know the answer lies in a spiritual solution, and I now know that I can't do it on my own. I do believe I still have an alcoholic mind - from what the book says. The thought of a soothing warming cup of brandy coffee is still in my head. The thought of perhaps I could get off my head and get away with it is still in my head. That isn't someone who has overcome addiciton. That is longing for the alcohol and the drugs lets face it!! But I know that it is a dangerous place to go - very dangerous so I am not doing it. Is that life? I don't think so. I do need to remove that insanity, because that is precisely what it is.
I know the answer lies in a spiritual solution, and I now know that I can't do it on my own. I do believe I still have an alcoholic mind - from what the book says. The thought of a soothing warming cup of brandy coffee is still in my head. The thought of perhaps I could get off my head and get away with it is still in my head. That isn't someone who has overcome addiciton. That is longing for the alcohol and the drugs lets face it!! But I know that it is a dangerous place to go - very dangerous so I am not doing it. Is that life? I don't think so. I do need to remove that insanity, because that is precisely what it is.
