~big sigh~
That's how I feel right now....Something's going on and I'm trying to figure it out, I've prayed and prayed again for it to be revealed and all I can think right now is I'm sad..........................................
I know I am an alcoholic, I've accepted that and today I am grateful I am an alcoholic as it lead me to the rooms of AA and in there, I found freedom from not only drinking & drugs, but freedom from the insanity in my head, freedom from self and I owe everything I have, the life I dreamed of living to the program and the 12 steps which lead me to God and a spiritual way of living life.
I'm sad....my friend, Bob W. showed up at the meeting last night. This is one of the people that helped me so much in those early days of sobriety, kind, caring, accepting. We are a small group on Wednesday night, around 8-10 of us back two years ago with 5 of us with only days & months of sobriety. Of those 5 newcomers, I'm the only one left 2 short years later...Anyways, Bob moved last March and quit coming to the meetings, I've heard the story shared so many different times at meetings, the excuses, the bs, the justification of why you can't show up at a meeting anymore and after about two months of not working any kind of program, no meetings, no contact with other alkies, he went out and drank after 11years......
He walked me out to my car last night. I asked him how he was doing. He told me he's still caught up in the insanity of the disease. That he hasn't drank in a bit but he keeps going back to the girl which he fears will lead back to the bottle. He started crying and it broke my heart. He's in pain, a lot of pain and as much as he spiraled so quickly back into the grips of alcoholism, I could see the reservations. So I told him how I felt and usually I try to be compassionate and do the "suggestion" thing but it was too real and too raw last night. I told him that I loved him and I was glad to see him. I told him that I could see the pride & ego that had him sitting on the fence, that he'd better smash it and crawl his a*ss into a meeting as a newcomer, raise his hand and ask for help. I told him he needed to fire Bob W. as his sponsor and get a real sponsor and work the steps. I told him again that I loved him and that I didn't want him to die, that it would hurt so much if he died. He told me that he wouldn't do anything stupid with his guns and I looked him in the eye and told him, I'm not worried about the guns, the alcohol is killing you and you're going to die.
~~big sigh~~
I don't want him to die...I know it's not for me to decide who gets sober and stays sober but damn, some you get close to and it's hard to watch them kill themselves.....
I thought about something you said to me Ms. Katbird about how newcomers can break your heart and now it's my experience that so can some with time.
Why do people quit doing what it takes? Why do some of us alcoholics think that we're different and we can be cured?
There but for the grace of God, go I.....
Okay, I needed to share this....I try not to call my sponsor until after 9am and I woke up at 4:30am this morning with this on my mind and heart....
Thanks for letting me share...
xoxo
Awww, (((BFF))). It's so hard to detach sometimes. It's hard to watch our new friends relapse and it's harder to watch them die. The longer I am sober the more I see of our disease and it is heartbreaking. It hurts especially when it's someone I am close to and I have sadly learned not to get close to a lot of people just to keep myself sane. I am very picky about who I let into my life now. Mainly because of where I work but in the rooms too. And it sucks. And I hate it. But it's a fact of life. I have no words to make you feel better. You know it will pass. All I can do is send a hug.
smoochies
smoochies
I'm so sorry to hear this and for his and your pain. I know what it's like to watch someone you love killing themselves and hurting those all around them. I know how hard it is to detach. And I've tried everything to encourage her to stop. The difference is that I'm exactly the wrong person to help her whilst your encouragement and even your direct pleas and instructions are rooted in a relationship in which the love and mutual respect and trust and boundaries are strong and unquestionned. In that context I believe my HP often leads me to speak my heart's truth directly and clearly. Your friend knows the score and has little denial I guess, so I doubt there's anything more powerful you could have done than speak your love, and your fears for his well-being.
I hope it goes well. Take care of yourself.
Martin
I hope it goes well. Take care of yourself.
Martin
Sweet Stacey,
Your friend Bob has already admitted that he is caught back up in the insanity of the disease. I see this as a sign of HOPE. He is starting to come back to the meetings again. He knows where he found sobriety and life saving recovery and he's back. He also is aware that hanging out with this woman is jeopardizing his life. You see he knows. Knows he has to choose. His tears are an expression and a release of fear and pain. Another good thing. Cause he knows the seriousness of this disease, you can remind him to. Like how bad do you want it to get friend? Everything he learned in the rooms and with a sponsor at one time is still inside of him. Pray that it becomes stronger then the disease. Focus on he is still alive and coming back to AA. Keep reaching out to him and encourage him to keep coming back. Ask him if he's contacted any men in the program. The more he surrounds himself with fellows like him the better. Especially people who've known him, as he may feel more at ease. I've seen in my home town people coming together and rallying around ones who went back out after they'd had years in the program. Remind him he doesn't have to do this alone. If you see him again take his hands hold them and start praying right there in the parking light. It is one of God's mightiest weapons. Try to get him to focus on step one only. Remember keep it simple. Asking your sponsor and perhaps some other people who he was once in fellowship with, to give him a call. Then Let Go And Let God.
People sometimes forget all the really bad s*** that happens after a period of sobriety. I still remember some of the good old times. That's one of the reasons why it's says if we don't hang together we will die alone. We start thinking we can handle just a beer, or one drink. We all still have our yets, if we don't continue to do the next right thing. You know morning reading, prayer, mediation. Sometimes we get busy and don't want to do the work. Ask him if he's willing to read the Dr's opinion.
Luv Ya,
C~xx
PS. I love my browser, because my pc just crashed. After re-booting it so kindly asked if I wanted to restore my session. All my tabs were saved. If I could by one of those pc's to talk in that would type for me. I'd be able to keep up around here. Like Zac said I don't type fast either. But I'm grateful I have my pc and fingers. I love you Stacey. I'll say a prayer for you and your friend Bob.
Pumpkin Smooches
24G, I'm sorry for your pain, but you know you're not responsible for his pain OR his program. The longer I go to Open Meetings the closer it pushes me toward the regulars--and I don't believe several of them have a stable program. They seem to have a bunch of unresolved 6 & 7 work to do, but I can't focus on them. I can only use them as MY HP's way of telling me to focus, focus, focus on MY recovery. If I put ANY thing in front of my recovery it will be taken from me. Call it 'scared straight,' or whatever, but I have to be willing to let my marriage go before going back to addictions, my pals, my lifestyle. It's THAT critical to me.
I've shared about the young woman with everything to live for who OD'd recently; When I was about 6 months sober I shared about a very close friend who killed herself as a result of hopelessness. I'm reminded everyday of the denial and cruelty of this disease with the newcomers (research department) who come and go because they've got a better way. And then they're gone.
As a PeoplePleaser/Approval Seeker/Fixer, I want to be able to fix them all. Not all of them want it, though.
I can't begin to explain the peace within me knowing that you've got a Higher Power whom you can rely on, blame mysteries of life on, to take away the questions in your heart. There are SO MANY who don't have that final answer and they struggle with their will and their power and their problems. I can't carry your heavy heart, but I can assure you that the decisions Bob makes will be his and his alone. Being 'out there' without a program after having had one is scary sh1t--but Bob KNOWS where the peace lies.
Or there's always, "Stop whizzing all over your recovery, put your big Girl panties back on, and clean yourself up! You've got to live there, dammit!"
I've shared about the young woman with everything to live for who OD'd recently; When I was about 6 months sober I shared about a very close friend who killed herself as a result of hopelessness. I'm reminded everyday of the denial and cruelty of this disease with the newcomers (research department) who come and go because they've got a better way. And then they're gone.
As a PeoplePleaser/Approval Seeker/Fixer, I want to be able to fix them all. Not all of them want it, though.
I can't begin to explain the peace within me knowing that you've got a Higher Power whom you can rely on, blame mysteries of life on, to take away the questions in your heart. There are SO MANY who don't have that final answer and they struggle with their will and their power and their problems. I can't carry your heavy heart, but I can assure you that the decisions Bob makes will be his and his alone. Being 'out there' without a program after having had one is scary sh1t--but Bob KNOWS where the peace lies.
Or there's always, "Stop whizzing all over your recovery, put your big Girl panties back on, and clean yourself up! You've got to live there, dammit!"
Gidday Stace
Yeah......that gut feeling that just whirs and works its way to the mind and just scenario feeds the thinkig into bigger and bigger realms....yep i lay awake at times to:)
Cunning, baffling and powerful and trying to get back into my recovery head any chance any time any day....in fact Addiction is better at one day at a time than me, as it just waits...patiently....while i do all the work
Your friend is bringing up the fear in you of just how Fing real addiction is and it is that fear that i have to acknowledge and remember if my hand is reaching for a glass of insanity nutrient(beer)
I have seen people come and goe, live and die in the rooms of AA, some even get sober and 6 months later are dead because of cancer..that one certainly got my mind a wizzing as i tend to scenario think myself into these positions and what would i do etc
The main thing is you are strong, you are a vision of the endless hope that your friend once provided to you, that is why E.S.H and the doors swinging both ways at AA are vital people can come and goe, live or die and as long as there is someone sitting in that room with a big book there is hope...endless hope
A moments silence for the alkys still out there doing it hard
Light and love Zac
Yeah......that gut feeling that just whirs and works its way to the mind and just scenario feeds the thinkig into bigger and bigger realms....yep i lay awake at times to:)
Cunning, baffling and powerful and trying to get back into my recovery head any chance any time any day....in fact Addiction is better at one day at a time than me, as it just waits...patiently....while i do all the work
Your friend is bringing up the fear in you of just how Fing real addiction is and it is that fear that i have to acknowledge and remember if my hand is reaching for a glass of insanity nutrient(beer)
I have seen people come and goe, live and die in the rooms of AA, some even get sober and 6 months later are dead because of cancer..that one certainly got my mind a wizzing as i tend to scenario think myself into these positions and what would i do etc
The main thing is you are strong, you are a vision of the endless hope that your friend once provided to you, that is why E.S.H and the doors swinging both ways at AA are vital people can come and goe, live or die and as long as there is someone sitting in that room with a big book there is hope...endless hope
A moments silence for the alkys still out there doing it hard
Light and love Zac
| QUOTE |
| A moments silence for the alkys still out there doing it hard |
Thank you, all of you gave me something in each one of your posts that I needed to hear today....
Today I am grateful that I am clean & sober, that I am honest, open & willing enough to see what this disease can do to those who choose not to work a program. Today I am grateful that I have friends who can share with me what I need and I am grateful for my sponsor that always reminds me of the miracles that can & do happen....
xoxoxo
I love you all!!
24Gordon, I'm truly sorry to hear that your friend went back out there. It sucks. You see, I've been dealing with the same thing not too long ago. Many of the people I know, are dying. Too d*** many.. It really sucks and there isn't a d*** thing I can do about it!! I know for me I drank/drugged for so many years I didn't feel anything! Now all of a sudden I'm living recovery one day at a time, starting to feel emotions that I don't always want to feel. Feeling sucks a lot of the time. However, I've been told by the longtimers that I literally had to be prepared to step over the bodies that go before me. I support anyone who goes back out. I always remember "but for the Grace of God there go I." We can support others, however, we can't force them to want this. We can encourage them and be there for them and be ready to accept them when they come back in. Sometimes we like to think we can play God. Wrong.. God knows his job. The God of my understanding gave me free will. I know for me, when I was finally down and out, I was ready to do just about anything within reason to get sober and ask for help. So 24Gordon, I feel for you honey. I can tell you, this won't be the last time you feel this way because someone goes out. Just remember the pain and continue to put one foot in front of the other. Just be ready to be of support. I'll keep you and your friend in my prayers. Love to all. Your sister that wants to live today..
Wow Gordie that totally sucks! Sorry you had to deal with that reality. Thank you for sharing it though because it reminds me that no matter how long the amount of clean time someone has ...no one is immune and this is a life long battle that we have to be vigiliant in fighting. Complacency is the enemy!
Take care girlfriend! ~~ Hugs ~~
Valarie :-)
Take care girlfriend! ~~ Hugs ~~
Valarie :-)
Stacey.......I've seen this same senario more than I can count.
Insanity is only a thought away.It's not just a bunch of rhetoric about "a daily reprieve" that is constanly being instilled in us.
Addicts forget.You venture too far away from meetings,quit the phone calls,stop working the steps and in a moment of insanity the thought comes to you "Was it really that bad?".
I don't give a s*** how much time you have or how rehearsed you are in the verbose.This is an inside job and although the outside may look polished, unless you've done some house cleaning you can still be operating from a very sick place.We are as sick as our secrets.One of my former friends who had 8 years sober,sponsored about 4 people,was incredibly intelligent,witty and an excellent motivational speaker is still drunk.His ego prevented him from ever picking up a desire chip.He was an icon in his home group.It is so sad and stupid.
Actually,because of his ego he never even had a sponsor.
I still will call him once a year on his birthday to take him to eat.It's all I can do to sit through dinner.The ravages of alcohol are so advanced.
I have to force myself to accept an attitude of gratitude some days but the alternative is never pretty.
It's a full time job taking care of my own s***.My heart goes out to anybody suffering but I can't save them.That has been a tough lesson.
I hear your pain loud and clear.
Insanity is only a thought away.It's not just a bunch of rhetoric about "a daily reprieve" that is constanly being instilled in us.
Addicts forget.You venture too far away from meetings,quit the phone calls,stop working the steps and in a moment of insanity the thought comes to you "Was it really that bad?".
I don't give a s*** how much time you have or how rehearsed you are in the verbose.This is an inside job and although the outside may look polished, unless you've done some house cleaning you can still be operating from a very sick place.We are as sick as our secrets.One of my former friends who had 8 years sober,sponsored about 4 people,was incredibly intelligent,witty and an excellent motivational speaker is still drunk.His ego prevented him from ever picking up a desire chip.He was an icon in his home group.It is so sad and stupid.
Actually,because of his ego he never even had a sponsor.
I still will call him once a year on his birthday to take him to eat.It's all I can do to sit through dinner.The ravages of alcohol are so advanced.
I have to force myself to accept an attitude of gratitude some days but the alternative is never pretty.
It's a full time job taking care of my own s***.My heart goes out to anybody suffering but I can't save them.That has been a tough lesson.
I hear your pain loud and clear.
