I have posted my stories on here before. However, lately I feel completely lost and scared and very depressed about what is going on. I feel like I want to share this because the more advice I get, the better I will feel. My boyfriend is a bad herion addict. We have had ups and downs but for the most part I love him and want to stand by his side. We broke up 2 months ago and lately the last 3 weeks he has been very mean to me. Telling me he doesn't love me, he doesn't like me, to move on, and get the point. I am also sure he probably talks to girls in his halfway house. However the hardest part of this is that we have bills together and we own a motorcycle together. That is something that keeps us talking and being civil. Today our conversation went well and we talked like mature adults. Some of his belongings are also still at my house where we lived together. I do not know why he is acting this way because apart of me knows that he does care and love me. But he is pushing me away so far and I cannot explain the hurt and guilt I feel because of this. I just want him to come home to me and sometimes he does not even give me the time of day. I know this is awful to say but I love him, want to be with him, and I want to see if we are meant to be together. Why is he being mean? Is he using again? Do I believe the hurtful things he has been saying? I am now at a low point with him in my life because I love him THAT much. I am in love with an addict very much so and it hurts me.
What would you tell a friend or a sister who came to you with this same problem? Would you tell her it's okay for her BF to treat her this way? Would you tell her to put away her self-respect and accept this from anyone? Treat yourself like a friend and let him go, even if you still love him...
Peace ~ MomNMore
Peace ~ MomNMore
Hi Jess5, I saw you responded to my post and asked how I am handling my situation with my recovering ex-boyfriend. Firstly, I am sorry for your pain. Don't be apologetic about how you are feeling -- it is normal and human and it is okay to feel what you are feeling. I KNOW what you are going through. Fortunately for me, our lives were not intertwined. We were in a serious, committed relationship, but never mixed our finances or possessions, so I have it easier in that sense.
Since learning that my ex-boyfriend was an addict, it's been an emotional roller coaster. During the first half of our relationship, he was the most honest, affectionate, sensitive and supportive person I'd ever known. Then, I noticed things were off -- he had "suddenly" become distant, unaffectionate and disinterested in me and anything else for that matter. I learned he was abusing opiate pills which he quit twice and I thought things were going to be fine. Then, he got really distant and even mean at times -- gaslighting me, being short and hostile towards me, etc. ...again, so different from the man I met and loved. We went to couples' counseling and then one day, out of the blue, he said to me there was no point in continuing counseling because it was a lot of work and he wanted kids and I didn't, so it would be a waste of time. This did not make sense to me -- he was ALWAYS the one who fought for our relationship and the kids thing was a non-issue. I even said to our therapist -- it doesn't make sense and that I felt like he is using this as an excuse because he has relapsed or plans to. He lied and denied. Well, a few days later, he was sobbing to me showing me the track marks on his arms -- he had jumped to heroin. At my insistence, committed to an out-patient program this time.
The point is that every time I suspected he was using or about to use, I was right. And, yes, that often meant he was being mean and distant and pushing me away. So perhaps your ex-boyfriend is using again or "circling the drain"..or maybe he relapsed and is so ashamed and guilty he doesn't want to tell you, so he's running. Mine did all of those things at one time or another. It was especially confusing, because I had always forgiven him and never lashed out when he relapsed and I literally told him, "I accept that relapse is often part of recovery and I can get through that with you. I just cannot accept the lying about it." Despite my history of support and understanding, he still lied to me about this stuff. I could not understand it, but have learned addicts lie. There is shame and guilt and nothing I can say or do could keep him from lying until he gets to that point in his recovery. But jeez it's so hard to understand how it's possible!
Others who are far wiser than I on this board will tell you that it's a waste of energy to obsess and worry about this stuff and they are right. I just know when I was confused and looking for answers, it was helpful to hear of people's experiences and so I am sharing mine about the source of my ex's cold behavior and they may or may not apply to your situation.
I admit that I naively thought once my ex stopped using and things would be back to normal. That wasn't the case. He was hot and cold, but never wanted to spend time with me, claiming he had to focus on his recovery. I am in full support of someone focusing on his recovery over all else; however, it was hard to take him seriously when I noticed he was also smoking weed and drinking to the point of hangovers (these are things he never did before). Well, a little over a week ago, he said he couldn't be in a relationship because he had to focus on his recovery...he then confessed that he had relapsed in January and also admitted to doing lines of coke recently. I was hurt on so many levels -- the abrupt end to the relationship (days before he was professing his love to me) and the continued lying and using. I have learned that the continued use of substances (even if not his DOC), the continued lying and the isolation from the sober people in his life is NOT recovery. Sadly, he is not putting recovery first (which I would fully support); rather, he is still putting drugs before me and all else. Yes, he is functioning better and looks better and progress is good...but he has a ways to go in my opinion.
The above is my experience surrounding my ex's "strange" behavior towards me at times. Sometimes his meanness was due to his using; other times, his "planning" to relapse or that he had relapsed; and now, his attempt at recovery. Perhaps one or more of these explain your ex? Active addicts and early recovery addicts can be mean and god, it hurts, but don't take it personally. They are struggling with their own demons. Heroin steals the soul. I watched it turn the most honest, kind and giving person into a lying, mean and selfish person. He still gravitates towards the lies, unkindness and self-absorption and he's five months into recovery. It will take real work and time to modify that behavior. It pains me, but I know it's not about me. The stuff he says and does is all part of this mess. It's not an excuse for him, but just an explanation.
How am I staying strong? Well, I have okay days and really bad days. I cry a lot. I feel confused and try to understand how it all came to this. These message boards and going to Nar-Anon meetings are lifesavers. Seriously, you HAVE to find a Nar-Anon meeting in your area (or Al-Anon). I also am fortunate enough to have an amazing therapist whom I've been seeing long before this.
Still, I wish I could tell you how to get through it, but I am struggling. MomNMore is right -- I know she is, but it is hard for me to accept. Intellectually, I know I am fortunate -- he is not a parent, sibling, child or even spouse to me where I would have no choice in being connected to him on some level. I have an opportunity to find a healthy, happy relationship...I know that intellectually. Emotionally, like you, I am struggling to let go. I assume, as with any situation, that will come with time...I imagine you feel like I do, though...unlike regular breakups, this one is hard to accept because you think to yourself, "If it weren't for the drugs, everything would have been so wonderful." That's what I often get mad about.
For better or worse, my ex still contacts me regularly as well. I allow him to initiate...I went many days not responding to him. I wanted to put some distance between us because I was an emotional mess. That was difficult, but definitely helped. Should you stop contact with yours? I can't answer that for you, but I would say you have to put yourself first and if contact is making things more confusing for you, give yourself permission to not respond to him. When my ex asked why I didn't text him back, I said, "I was focused on my recovery." He laughed at this, which is so obnoxious, because it was the truth and loved ones of addicts need recovery, too. So, minimal contact works best for me and might be a good idea for you.
Right now, I am doing my best to focus more on my work, my friends/family, my awesome dog and MYSELF. I still have weepy episodes and struggled to get out of bed...but that's become less so. And I hate to admit it, I have allowed whether or not I hear from him to dictate my mood. If I didn't hear from him, I felt rejected. If I didn't hear from him at night, I was worried he was out drinking and doing coke or using heroin again or worse, overdosed. It is no way to live. I finally responded back to him (yesterday, in fact) and he was all upset saying that giving him space and ignoring are two different things. He also asked to see me and was super affectionate. This is NOT good for me, but I keep allowing it. I suspect he wants the comfort of me but doesn't want to be held accountable to me regarding his use of other substances. I never thought I'd say this, but each day it gets easier to distance myself from him...I am being patient with myself about this. It will get easier for you, too. Don't you hate when people say that? I do, but it's a fact.
Sorry for the rant, but here is what I think and have learned. As with addiction, recovery is also very overwhelming and emotional for the addict. They are trying to rebuild their lives without the numbing/euphoric effects of their drugs all while trying not to use. Their brains have literally been altered by drug use and it takes time for them to repair. We loved ones of addicts cannot personalize their behaviors, just as we can't when they are using. I used to hate it when people said this to me, but it's true -- there is no way you can be in a loving relationship with an addict until they get better and that means they really do have to be self-focused and there might not be time for us during this. It seems unfair because we stood beside them through their addiction and relapses, but such is life. For me, I hurt and am heartbroken, but I know it's for the best for both of us right now. I am trying to move on with my life and, if he gets better and I get better and the timing and circumstances are right, we will be better together. If not, I will welcome a healthy, loving relationship when I'm ready with a non-addict, because I do know that even in recovery, it is not easy to stay with an addict...relapse is always a strong possibility. Recognizing that makes it a little better, but it still hurts.
Keep reading these boards and absorbing wisdom from those who have been in this longer than I have. And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE attend a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting. I have only been three times and it works. You will meet people, fact to face, who know your struggle. It is a welcoming, non-judgmental, safe place for people like us.
Hang in there...you're stronger than you know.
Since learning that my ex-boyfriend was an addict, it's been an emotional roller coaster. During the first half of our relationship, he was the most honest, affectionate, sensitive and supportive person I'd ever known. Then, I noticed things were off -- he had "suddenly" become distant, unaffectionate and disinterested in me and anything else for that matter. I learned he was abusing opiate pills which he quit twice and I thought things were going to be fine. Then, he got really distant and even mean at times -- gaslighting me, being short and hostile towards me, etc. ...again, so different from the man I met and loved. We went to couples' counseling and then one day, out of the blue, he said to me there was no point in continuing counseling because it was a lot of work and he wanted kids and I didn't, so it would be a waste of time. This did not make sense to me -- he was ALWAYS the one who fought for our relationship and the kids thing was a non-issue. I even said to our therapist -- it doesn't make sense and that I felt like he is using this as an excuse because he has relapsed or plans to. He lied and denied. Well, a few days later, he was sobbing to me showing me the track marks on his arms -- he had jumped to heroin. At my insistence, committed to an out-patient program this time.
The point is that every time I suspected he was using or about to use, I was right. And, yes, that often meant he was being mean and distant and pushing me away. So perhaps your ex-boyfriend is using again or "circling the drain"..or maybe he relapsed and is so ashamed and guilty he doesn't want to tell you, so he's running. Mine did all of those things at one time or another. It was especially confusing, because I had always forgiven him and never lashed out when he relapsed and I literally told him, "I accept that relapse is often part of recovery and I can get through that with you. I just cannot accept the lying about it." Despite my history of support and understanding, he still lied to me about this stuff. I could not understand it, but have learned addicts lie. There is shame and guilt and nothing I can say or do could keep him from lying until he gets to that point in his recovery. But jeez it's so hard to understand how it's possible!
Others who are far wiser than I on this board will tell you that it's a waste of energy to obsess and worry about this stuff and they are right. I just know when I was confused and looking for answers, it was helpful to hear of people's experiences and so I am sharing mine about the source of my ex's cold behavior and they may or may not apply to your situation.
I admit that I naively thought once my ex stopped using and things would be back to normal. That wasn't the case. He was hot and cold, but never wanted to spend time with me, claiming he had to focus on his recovery. I am in full support of someone focusing on his recovery over all else; however, it was hard to take him seriously when I noticed he was also smoking weed and drinking to the point of hangovers (these are things he never did before). Well, a little over a week ago, he said he couldn't be in a relationship because he had to focus on his recovery...he then confessed that he had relapsed in January and also admitted to doing lines of coke recently. I was hurt on so many levels -- the abrupt end to the relationship (days before he was professing his love to me) and the continued lying and using. I have learned that the continued use of substances (even if not his DOC), the continued lying and the isolation from the sober people in his life is NOT recovery. Sadly, he is not putting recovery first (which I would fully support); rather, he is still putting drugs before me and all else. Yes, he is functioning better and looks better and progress is good...but he has a ways to go in my opinion.
The above is my experience surrounding my ex's "strange" behavior towards me at times. Sometimes his meanness was due to his using; other times, his "planning" to relapse or that he had relapsed; and now, his attempt at recovery. Perhaps one or more of these explain your ex? Active addicts and early recovery addicts can be mean and god, it hurts, but don't take it personally. They are struggling with their own demons. Heroin steals the soul. I watched it turn the most honest, kind and giving person into a lying, mean and selfish person. He still gravitates towards the lies, unkindness and self-absorption and he's five months into recovery. It will take real work and time to modify that behavior. It pains me, but I know it's not about me. The stuff he says and does is all part of this mess. It's not an excuse for him, but just an explanation.
How am I staying strong? Well, I have okay days and really bad days. I cry a lot. I feel confused and try to understand how it all came to this. These message boards and going to Nar-Anon meetings are lifesavers. Seriously, you HAVE to find a Nar-Anon meeting in your area (or Al-Anon). I also am fortunate enough to have an amazing therapist whom I've been seeing long before this.
Still, I wish I could tell you how to get through it, but I am struggling. MomNMore is right -- I know she is, but it is hard for me to accept. Intellectually, I know I am fortunate -- he is not a parent, sibling, child or even spouse to me where I would have no choice in being connected to him on some level. I have an opportunity to find a healthy, happy relationship...I know that intellectually. Emotionally, like you, I am struggling to let go. I assume, as with any situation, that will come with time...I imagine you feel like I do, though...unlike regular breakups, this one is hard to accept because you think to yourself, "If it weren't for the drugs, everything would have been so wonderful." That's what I often get mad about.
For better or worse, my ex still contacts me regularly as well. I allow him to initiate...I went many days not responding to him. I wanted to put some distance between us because I was an emotional mess. That was difficult, but definitely helped. Should you stop contact with yours? I can't answer that for you, but I would say you have to put yourself first and if contact is making things more confusing for you, give yourself permission to not respond to him. When my ex asked why I didn't text him back, I said, "I was focused on my recovery." He laughed at this, which is so obnoxious, because it was the truth and loved ones of addicts need recovery, too. So, minimal contact works best for me and might be a good idea for you.
Right now, I am doing my best to focus more on my work, my friends/family, my awesome dog and MYSELF. I still have weepy episodes and struggled to get out of bed...but that's become less so. And I hate to admit it, I have allowed whether or not I hear from him to dictate my mood. If I didn't hear from him, I felt rejected. If I didn't hear from him at night, I was worried he was out drinking and doing coke or using heroin again or worse, overdosed. It is no way to live. I finally responded back to him (yesterday, in fact) and he was all upset saying that giving him space and ignoring are two different things. He also asked to see me and was super affectionate. This is NOT good for me, but I keep allowing it. I suspect he wants the comfort of me but doesn't want to be held accountable to me regarding his use of other substances. I never thought I'd say this, but each day it gets easier to distance myself from him...I am being patient with myself about this. It will get easier for you, too. Don't you hate when people say that? I do, but it's a fact.
Sorry for the rant, but here is what I think and have learned. As with addiction, recovery is also very overwhelming and emotional for the addict. They are trying to rebuild their lives without the numbing/euphoric effects of their drugs all while trying not to use. Their brains have literally been altered by drug use and it takes time for them to repair. We loved ones of addicts cannot personalize their behaviors, just as we can't when they are using. I used to hate it when people said this to me, but it's true -- there is no way you can be in a loving relationship with an addict until they get better and that means they really do have to be self-focused and there might not be time for us during this. It seems unfair because we stood beside them through their addiction and relapses, but such is life. For me, I hurt and am heartbroken, but I know it's for the best for both of us right now. I am trying to move on with my life and, if he gets better and I get better and the timing and circumstances are right, we will be better together. If not, I will welcome a healthy, loving relationship when I'm ready with a non-addict, because I do know that even in recovery, it is not easy to stay with an addict...relapse is always a strong possibility. Recognizing that makes it a little better, but it still hurts.
Keep reading these boards and absorbing wisdom from those who have been in this longer than I have. And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE attend a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting. I have only been three times and it works. You will meet people, fact to face, who know your struggle. It is a welcoming, non-judgmental, safe place for people like us.
Hang in there...you're stronger than you know.
Wow sobernyc. What an amazing and deep post with a lot of good advice. I really appreciate it. Yeah it's so hard because I fell in love with An amazing and loving man and now he's so cold and doesn't even like me sometimes. And yes I supported him this whole time and it doesn't phase him. Sometimes I'm happy and other days I need to sleep because it's hard to get out of bed. I hope it gets better. Thanks for helping and for the advice
You're welcome, Jes5. I know I was rather longwinded, but I hope it offered some perspective for you. Just don't take his behaviors towards you personally. It's "funny" because while my ex never said mean things to me like yours, he acted insensitively and distant and at one point I said to my therapist, "He hates me. I didn't do anything wrong and I feel like he suddenly hates me as a person." Well, my therapist helped me realize it wasn't about me -- it was often the effects of using or not using (withdrawal, confusion, etc.) and also that addicts often hate themselves. They are so full of guilt and shame and it gets misdirected at those closest to them. Lucky us!
Stay strong and I'll look out for future posts by you to see how you're progressing. You will get through it.
Stay strong and I'll look out for future posts by you to see how you're progressing. You will get through it.
Wow I appreciate that! Yeah he's so mean and I dk why. Unfortunately we have bills together and he owes me 200$ I reached out today but no answer. So sad how I used to support him and now he can give a s*** that I need help.
Thanks for the post and the reasoning within it. Somethings you don't want to hear but they are the voice of reason. Which quite often is the truth.
What's the truth beingme?
The truth is addiction is a disease that effects you sometimes more than the addict. The truth is its not your fault the way the addict acts. The truth is a relationship with an addict is always way more difficult. The truth is you are not responsible for the addicts actions. The truth is addiction or recovery will always be ahead of you. The truth is you can't love addiction away.. The truth is you are not obligated to stay with an addict. The truth is there is no shame in walking away. The truth is you can only change yourself. The truth is , only you are responsible for your happiness.
You are right. I can't sit and wait to hope he will recover. I can't deal with being treated like crap one day and the next nice when he needs something. If he gets better and things get better with us, we'll then now I know how to act and that I will always be in recovery too. Yes I can walk away and yes I am responsible for my happiness. So I can't do anything if he doesn't want to chose the right path right now
