Last Friday night I confessed to Sammy that I have shot water a few times since starting the Suboxone program. He totally freaked out. Hit his head against the wall and asked why I am doing this to him, etc, etc. To make things worse, he'd just had a mate, Leon, on the phone who he'd been warning not to shoot up ice. Leon went off his head saying how he's not a junkie and he would never do anything stupid like that he's not a junkie and he's not going to be a junkie and it's disgusting and etc etc etc. This went on for a good ten minutes. Afterwards I told Sammy I didn't want to hear it, I already heard Leon's opinions on a junkie and I know I'm a junkie and to just shut up because I don't need to hear it.
Anyway, Sam said I'm not a junkie. And so I said I'd shot water a few times and that's when everything hit the fan. Ended up having a big fight when I didn't think shooting a bit of water would mean anything. For goodness' sake, anyone would think I'd shot gear the way he went on. He then stressed himself out so much that he got tonsilitis and was sick all weekend. :(
I'm confused. According to Sam I'm a "little girl" because of my behaviour. I ended up cutting myself I was so upset the other night over everything he said (so far I've managed to hide that). I told him maybe he should just go, and I almost meant it because it would mean I could go and get on again, but he wouldn't leave.
One thing he just does not understand is that I have never dealt with anything in a healthy way and I don't know how. Because nothing else makes things feel any better. Pain and/or blood just help so much. And even if there's no gear in that syringe it still gives me a high. :(
Aw, Rachel, you sound so much like my daughter, but she found her way out of both of those behaviors, and you can, too.
The act of shooting has it's rituals as does the act of cutting, and both activities in and of themselves are addictive. The cutting releases endorphins in exactly the same way a good hit does...and in the same way more and more cutting and bloodletting is needed to achieve the same 'high'. Many IV drug users find they miss their rituals as much as they miss their drug...my girl shot water a few times, too.
Have you had therapy, Rachel? It sounds like your stuff has been around for a long time, and like you said, you haven't ever dealt healthily with anything. Have you ever done meetings or had a sponsor? Besides the subs (you said you were on subs, right?) what other measures are you taking to safeguard your sobriety? And did I understand you correctly in another thread - are you still smoking pot? I gotta be honest, if you are not complementing your subs with some sort of work on yourself, and still smoking weed, it ain't exactly a recipe for success.
G'night~MomNMore
The act of shooting has it's rituals as does the act of cutting, and both activities in and of themselves are addictive. The cutting releases endorphins in exactly the same way a good hit does...and in the same way more and more cutting and bloodletting is needed to achieve the same 'high'. Many IV drug users find they miss their rituals as much as they miss their drug...my girl shot water a few times, too.
Have you had therapy, Rachel? It sounds like your stuff has been around for a long time, and like you said, you haven't ever dealt healthily with anything. Have you ever done meetings or had a sponsor? Besides the subs (you said you were on subs, right?) what other measures are you taking to safeguard your sobriety? And did I understand you correctly in another thread - are you still smoking pot? I gotta be honest, if you are not complementing your subs with some sort of work on yourself, and still smoking weed, it ain't exactly a recipe for success.
G'night~MomNMore
Hi MumNMore,
I am supposed to have a counsellor but have only had one session so far and haven't been to an NA meeting yet. I've only been on subs for a few weeks. I have a psychiatrist who I see once a month who I'll be seeing again this week. He doesn't know about my habit and I am going to try to pluck up the guts to tell him on Wednesday.
Yep, I smoke pot and I'm not giving it up anytime soon. It does not impact my life like using gear does--not even anywhere near the same category. It doesn't stop my partner and I from enjoying a dinner party with our non-pot-smoking friends like we did just on Saturday night. If it started to impact our lives in a bad way we would look at stopping. And of course we would not smoke when we have kids.
If that means I should question my sobriety then maybe I should just go back to the gear?
Rachel
I am supposed to have a counsellor but have only had one session so far and haven't been to an NA meeting yet. I've only been on subs for a few weeks. I have a psychiatrist who I see once a month who I'll be seeing again this week. He doesn't know about my habit and I am going to try to pluck up the guts to tell him on Wednesday.
Yep, I smoke pot and I'm not giving it up anytime soon. It does not impact my life like using gear does--not even anywhere near the same category. It doesn't stop my partner and I from enjoying a dinner party with our non-pot-smoking friends like we did just on Saturday night. If it started to impact our lives in a bad way we would look at stopping. And of course we would not smoke when we have kids.
If that means I should question my sobriety then maybe I should just go back to the gear?
Rachel
| QUOTE |
| If that means I should question my sobriety then maybe I should just go back to the gear? |
Don't look for reasons to use, Rachel, you'll always find one'...smoking pot is not advisable while on a recovery aid...you're an adult, you'll figure it out when you want to.
Hi Rachel,
I am sorry that you are going through this. You really do not need to face all this by yourself. You should get to meetings. It is hard to admit things that are, quite frankly, not functional. But, what the heck, no one is perfect sweetie. Everyone has some real dysfunctional things they have reverted to. You are no way alone. you are just human and a nice human at that. I remember when I was a teenager and dealing with an alcoholic mom, I would cut myself too and I think I'm a fairly intelligent person. I don't know why I did such stuff. I do know I don't admit that often. My husband or kids do not even know this. Heck, I don't think anyone alive now knows about this. So, that is how hard it is to admit things. It is even harder when people look down at you for stuff - or you think they do. With me, I think it is because I look down on myself - or I did when I was doing this. I felt like I was just trash like everyone and everything suggested. OMG, that is just a lie from hell. You are a beautiful person!!! Don't let the heroin, shooting water, or cutting yourself convince you of mess that is not true. What a powerful person you are to even come on this board and confess these things. you obviously do not understand what strength you possess. Not surprising that the devil or that energy is working overtime to convince you otherwise. Evil seeks out its strongest most potentially formidable enemies and turns its total power against in order to destroy its opponents. You must be full of potential to do some awesome things for those who need help. Listen to that voice that tells you that, that is your higher power talking to you.
God bless!
I am sorry that you are going through this. You really do not need to face all this by yourself. You should get to meetings. It is hard to admit things that are, quite frankly, not functional. But, what the heck, no one is perfect sweetie. Everyone has some real dysfunctional things they have reverted to. You are no way alone. you are just human and a nice human at that. I remember when I was a teenager and dealing with an alcoholic mom, I would cut myself too and I think I'm a fairly intelligent person. I don't know why I did such stuff. I do know I don't admit that often. My husband or kids do not even know this. Heck, I don't think anyone alive now knows about this. So, that is how hard it is to admit things. It is even harder when people look down at you for stuff - or you think they do. With me, I think it is because I look down on myself - or I did when I was doing this. I felt like I was just trash like everyone and everything suggested. OMG, that is just a lie from hell. You are a beautiful person!!! Don't let the heroin, shooting water, or cutting yourself convince you of mess that is not true. What a powerful person you are to even come on this board and confess these things. you obviously do not understand what strength you possess. Not surprising that the devil or that energy is working overtime to convince you otherwise. Evil seeks out its strongest most potentially formidable enemies and turns its total power against in order to destroy its opponents. You must be full of potential to do some awesome things for those who need help. Listen to that voice that tells you that, that is your higher power talking to you.
God bless!
I need a rest. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to have to do this thing called life anymore. :(
Maybe, but you won't feel that way tomorrow, so get some sleep (if you can) and re-read your post titled "Positive"...tomorrow will be better, Rachel...tonight is just hard for some reason.
Sorry you are struggling...((((hugs))))
Sorry you are struggling...((((hugs))))
Thanks MumNMore,
I'm at work but I'm going home because I forgot to take my anti-depressants this morning which is making me really sick. So, home to sleep. And hopefully tomorrow will be better like you say.
Rachel
I'm at work but I'm going home because I forgot to take my anti-depressants this morning which is making me really sick. So, home to sleep. And hopefully tomorrow will be better like you say.
Rachel
Dear Rachel
Hi my friend I'm so sorry to hear you so down in the dumps just know that I am here for you when ever you need a friend.
In fact I'm sure anyone that has chated to you is thinking of you.
My friend I so understand what you are going through I started cutting myself at the age of 16 and in some way it does make you feel better you mind is almost at rest when you cause physical pain to you body, but it is not good and you realy need to talk to a professional about it.
I don't know what they will suggest to you but they will help you I'm sure.
About the weed I started smoking when I was 15 and my mom and dad have smoked weed for 30 years.
My mom has just come off the weed now 5 months and she is feel great as for me I have smoked weed for years and it is one of the ways I helped myself stay in control when I was coming off all the other drugs instead off drugs I smoked a plenty weed and it helped.
But my friend it does affect you in the long run trust me I have lived with weed around me all my life and it has its side affects it makes you very erattic.
I still smoke every now and again but not very ofted and have not smoked a joint in month and so I am ok with out it and may never smoke again.
I don't know what to say to make you feel better I not very good at things like that but even though I don't pray for myself I am going to pray for you and hope things will get better for you.
All my best wishes for you
Regards Jadene
Hi my friend I'm so sorry to hear you so down in the dumps just know that I am here for you when ever you need a friend.
In fact I'm sure anyone that has chated to you is thinking of you.
My friend I so understand what you are going through I started cutting myself at the age of 16 and in some way it does make you feel better you mind is almost at rest when you cause physical pain to you body, but it is not good and you realy need to talk to a professional about it.
I don't know what they will suggest to you but they will help you I'm sure.
About the weed I started smoking when I was 15 and my mom and dad have smoked weed for 30 years.
My mom has just come off the weed now 5 months and she is feel great as for me I have smoked weed for years and it is one of the ways I helped myself stay in control when I was coming off all the other drugs instead off drugs I smoked a plenty weed and it helped.
But my friend it does affect you in the long run trust me I have lived with weed around me all my life and it has its side affects it makes you very erattic.
I still smoke every now and again but not very ofted and have not smoked a joint in month and so I am ok with out it and may never smoke again.
I don't know what to say to make you feel better I not very good at things like that but even though I don't pray for myself I am going to pray for you and hope things will get better for you.
All my best wishes for you
Regards Jadene
Oh Jadene,
Thank you so much for your post. I am at work and have just had a branch full of people complaining and being quite agressive, so needed some kind words to stop myself from shaking (being the supervisor I have to cop all of the sh!t) and get myself together.
I also end up smoking a lot of pot when I am really craving heroin. When I am totally off heroin and Suboxone and I'm clean from that then I'll stop the pot. I want to have a baby! :)
I was very brave today and told my psychiatrist about my heroin habit. Up until now I hadn't told him. We worked out I started using around the same time I started going to see him in September last year. I told him I'd been using and became addicted and after that there wasn't a lot to talk about. Talk about a conversation killer. I can't imagine what it would be like telling my family. Actually, I can. And that's why I'll tell them when it's all over, whenever that happens.
You've done incredibly well to steer clear of everything, even pot!! I am in awe of you. You're amazing, incredible, and I hope you are proud of yourself! I know I am proud of you!
And thank you so much for the prayer--it really means a lot to me.
Hugs,
Rachel
Thank you so much for your post. I am at work and have just had a branch full of people complaining and being quite agressive, so needed some kind words to stop myself from shaking (being the supervisor I have to cop all of the sh!t) and get myself together.
I also end up smoking a lot of pot when I am really craving heroin. When I am totally off heroin and Suboxone and I'm clean from that then I'll stop the pot. I want to have a baby! :)
I was very brave today and told my psychiatrist about my heroin habit. Up until now I hadn't told him. We worked out I started using around the same time I started going to see him in September last year. I told him I'd been using and became addicted and after that there wasn't a lot to talk about. Talk about a conversation killer. I can't imagine what it would be like telling my family. Actually, I can. And that's why I'll tell them when it's all over, whenever that happens.
You've done incredibly well to steer clear of everything, even pot!! I am in awe of you. You're amazing, incredible, and I hope you are proud of yourself! I know I am proud of you!
And thank you so much for the prayer--it really means a lot to me.
Hugs,
Rachel
Sounds like you may need a new doctor...he should be able to make some sort of meaningful contribution to the conversation, but so many psychiatrists are nothing more than prescription writers these days.
Good for you for telling on yourself =)
Good for you for telling on yourself =)
Hey rachel how are ya? Im sorry to hear you've been having such a rotten few days.We all feel it sometimes if you want ill give you my Email we can chat.
Dear Rachel
Hope your day ended better than it started off.
It is very strange the way your setion went with your phycholgist I realy thingk you should find some one that can help you.
I only speak from what I know, and what I have done and I have been to a few phycholigests and when I meet them for the first time I ask them what experiance they with what ever I am there for you have to lay it down what you want and if they can't help you go some were else.
My friend take control you can do this.
About having a baby you will have one when the time is right and believe me when I say it will change you life for ever.
I never wanted kids ever in my life and one night I went out got totaly smashed and was rapped I have never told any one this so bare with me.
I was to start matric and I found out I was prengnant 2 months already.
I could not have the hart to get ride off it or give it away so I left school my dad never spoke to me ever again. And so I had my boy when I was 17 and in the end he saved my life.
I was dringking so much and taking chances with my life and I never thought I could ever love anyone the way I loved this child. So for what ever reson I had him and I could not love anyone more.
So my point is that it will happen when it sould.
About the weed I believe you will stop when the time is right.
And am I proud of my self not yet, but I will get there I still like a week and none productive person but I will get there,
I wish you all the best my friend.
Regards Jadene
Hope your day ended better than it started off.
It is very strange the way your setion went with your phycholgist I realy thingk you should find some one that can help you.
I only speak from what I know, and what I have done and I have been to a few phycholigests and when I meet them for the first time I ask them what experiance they with what ever I am there for you have to lay it down what you want and if they can't help you go some were else.
My friend take control you can do this.
About having a baby you will have one when the time is right and believe me when I say it will change you life for ever.
I never wanted kids ever in my life and one night I went out got totaly smashed and was rapped I have never told any one this so bare with me.
I was to start matric and I found out I was prengnant 2 months already.
I could not have the hart to get ride off it or give it away so I left school my dad never spoke to me ever again. And so I had my boy when I was 17 and in the end he saved my life.
I was dringking so much and taking chances with my life and I never thought I could ever love anyone the way I loved this child. So for what ever reson I had him and I could not love anyone more.
So my point is that it will happen when it sould.
About the weed I believe you will stop when the time is right.
And am I proud of my self not yet, but I will get there I still like a week and none productive person but I will get there,
I wish you all the best my friend.
Regards Jadene
Kitteekatt--I would love to have your email address! You seem to be online at the same time as me.
Jadene, I can't believe what I'm hearing--you weak and non-productive? No way! What you are doing with your life now you should be so proud about! Just look where you have come from and where you are at the moment. Look how far you've come and how much you've changed. Yes, you are still changing and you still have a way to go. I have another little quote for you: "God loves me just the way I am, but too much to leave me that way." As in we are perfect, but we can always be better. Life is a never-ending work on perfecting of one's self. At least that's the way I look at it, although I am a perfectionist (can you tell?!).
I didn't mean that the psychiatrist didn't say anything. We did talk about it. I guess there isn't a lot for him to treat as I'm being looked after by the drug and alcohol department, whereas he's only concerned with my mental health.
Jadene, I can't believe what I'm hearing--you weak and non-productive? No way! What you are doing with your life now you should be so proud about! Just look where you have come from and where you are at the moment. Look how far you've come and how much you've changed. Yes, you are still changing and you still have a way to go. I have another little quote for you: "God loves me just the way I am, but too much to leave me that way." As in we are perfect, but we can always be better. Life is a never-ending work on perfecting of one's self. At least that's the way I look at it, although I am a perfectionist (can you tell?!).
I didn't mean that the psychiatrist didn't say anything. We did talk about it. I guess there isn't a lot for him to treat as I'm being looked after by the drug and alcohol department, whereas he's only concerned with my mental health.
