I want to write something today mostly because I have found out that I need to work on two things. Acceptance and rigorous honesty.
I accept that I am an alcoholic and my life has become unmanageable and was just about to become even more unmanageable - out of control even.
The honesty - after a period of a month or so sober I went to my staff Christmas party and drank. That was on Friday - I had no intention of drinking all through the day and I was looking forward to showcasing my sobriety and what was left of my dignity. I had an argument with a family member that evening and went to the party in a terrible mood. I accepted a glass of wine and more wine and more until eventually I went beserk and had to be taken home in a police car. I don't want to describe how I feel. My mother and partner were called to the hotel and I punched them and insulted them. I don't remember this. No drinking doesn't get better it gets worse. I am still hungover from the amount I drank and I know that another drink would take away some of that feeling. But I will not drink today. I have to much to loose and loose it I will. I am on a final warning with my partner. My mother God love her is so worried about me but is trying to be strong and encourage my back onto this forum and back to my meetings. I don't have a sponsor - so that is my first task on the list. I've got to get one.
It was too soon to go to blooody parties anyway. I was not ready and will not be ready for a very long time. I need to do the recommended things - avoid the bloody pubs and parties.
SKG has been wonderful - honest, firm, yet understanding, That's why only another alcoholic can really understand what I am putting myself through.
I hope everyone is doing well and if you could send some positive energy my way it would be most welcome. I am on this forum today, I am sober today. Today is all I have.
Thank you for telling on yourself, Ruth. You needn't go this alone--you CAN'T do this alone. Everyone who's had any length of sobriety will tell you it's a WE program and (counter to what you probably think) you keep me sober as well. You've got a choice to make and it sounds like you've made that choice: "If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps."
The people on this forum are very very supportive and will encourage you, but it's an interactive medium. That is, you gotta help yourself! And on here, people will allow you to post as often as you need to. I certainly took advantage of it--and nobody's minded! Make it a point to post something recovery or alcohol related every day--even if it's some obscure thought or something affecting your sobriety.
And get a sponsor. And go to meetings. And do what you're told to do until you've put together some steps and some periods of sobriety. And it'll get better and before you know it, you'll be half way through....
And read, The Promises as often as you have to.
Thanks for spilling your guts....
The people on this forum are very very supportive and will encourage you, but it's an interactive medium. That is, you gotta help yourself! And on here, people will allow you to post as often as you need to. I certainly took advantage of it--and nobody's minded! Make it a point to post something recovery or alcohol related every day--even if it's some obscure thought or something affecting your sobriety.
And get a sponsor. And go to meetings. And do what you're told to do until you've put together some steps and some periods of sobriety. And it'll get better and before you know it, you'll be half way through....
And read, The Promises as often as you have to.
Thanks for spilling your guts....
Thanks SKG,
I gotta keep coming back and I will - ARG and to my meetings.
And in answer to your question ARG is a wonderful resource and I suppose when used with the Programme, the meetings, F2F with sponsors it probably all adds up to a winning formula.
I gotta keep coming back and I will - ARG and to my meetings.
And in answer to your question ARG is a wonderful resource and I suppose when used with the Programme, the meetings, F2F with sponsors it probably all adds up to a winning formula.
Hi Ruth,
Alcoholism is such a cunning disease and from my experience, I've had a few encounters where I wasn't in a good way nor spiritually fit and it never seems to fail, that's when my DOC or alcohol will present itself in the most calming, positive light but it's all a hoax, nothing but a big, fat lie...Baffling is dead on description of how I would always relapse and I found for me, self-will, determination or will power would never work and I would find myself picking up that first drink and then the hoplessness, shame, guilt and hatrad of myself always follows....
There came a time, when I felt different about it all and I was done. I was willing to do anything and everything that I needed to do to stay sober.
I loved your words and SKG's suggestion...get a sponsor, get back to your meetings, get into the steps and surrender and let others help you, and you'll be amazed half way through....
How awesome it is to *see* your words and read the surrender in them...baby steps and before you know it, you'll have walked the mile, one baby step at a time just keep putting that next foot forward...
I believe in you Ruth...connect with your HP and ask your HP to give you strength to keep taking those small steps forward in recovery....
Today is all any of us have and thank you for sharing your ESH with me today...God bless
xoxo
Stacey
Alcoholism is such a cunning disease and from my experience, I've had a few encounters where I wasn't in a good way nor spiritually fit and it never seems to fail, that's when my DOC or alcohol will present itself in the most calming, positive light but it's all a hoax, nothing but a big, fat lie...Baffling is dead on description of how I would always relapse and I found for me, self-will, determination or will power would never work and I would find myself picking up that first drink and then the hoplessness, shame, guilt and hatrad of myself always follows....
There came a time, when I felt different about it all and I was done. I was willing to do anything and everything that I needed to do to stay sober.
I loved your words and SKG's suggestion...get a sponsor, get back to your meetings, get into the steps and surrender and let others help you, and you'll be amazed half way through....
How awesome it is to *see* your words and read the surrender in them...baby steps and before you know it, you'll have walked the mile, one baby step at a time just keep putting that next foot forward...
I believe in you Ruth...connect with your HP and ask your HP to give you strength to keep taking those small steps forward in recovery....
Today is all any of us have and thank you for sharing your ESH with me today...God bless
xoxo
Stacey
Thank you for your words Stacey,
It is truly wonderful to be encouraged when I am back in that fearful and dreaded place hoping against all hope that I start 'getting it', applying it and living it every day one day at a time.
I get complacent - if I get some sobriety behind me I think I'm fixed. I guess that is where the cunning and baffling comes in. I know that some 'normal' drinkers out there think I am a hopeless out of control drunk (yes that part is true. I have a disease and that disease is called alcoholism) and why dont I pull myself together and act with some dignity.
That is where the "we programme" comes into play. We need other alcoholics to let us know that we are not hopeless cases, that there is help and support and there is a programme that is so simple and so effective for so so many recovering alcoholics. I want to be one of the fortunate ones.
All the very best to you too - all of your posts have been brilliant to read.
It is truly wonderful to be encouraged when I am back in that fearful and dreaded place hoping against all hope that I start 'getting it', applying it and living it every day one day at a time.
I get complacent - if I get some sobriety behind me I think I'm fixed. I guess that is where the cunning and baffling comes in. I know that some 'normal' drinkers out there think I am a hopeless out of control drunk (yes that part is true. I have a disease and that disease is called alcoholism) and why dont I pull myself together and act with some dignity.
That is where the "we programme" comes into play. We need other alcoholics to let us know that we are not hopeless cases, that there is help and support and there is a programme that is so simple and so effective for so so many recovering alcoholics. I want to be one of the fortunate ones.
All the very best to you too - all of your posts have been brilliant to read.
Normal is the setting on the dryer....
Hi Ruth,
You came to the right place. I sure won't judge you. I can't tell you how many times I've relapsed/slipped. This disease is powerful,cunning and baffling. I to have been in the back seat of the police car hand cuffed taken to the phys. ward twice. Going beserk screaming, hitting, breaking things including my bones, just wanting to die. I actually attempted suicide. My blood alcohol was .36 swallowed some vocodins,muscle relaxers, anxiety meds, anti depressants, tylenol 3 & bunch of advils in case I woke up with a major headache. Your dead at .40 I spent a wk in the pys. ward & I don't want to go back. Somewhere around 40-50 pills. I'm telling you this even though it's really humilating because it's my hope that it will get you out of yourself & further instill the seriousness of alcoholism. This was 5 yrs. ago I should be dead. But I'm not because God has a purpose for my life I should have had some DUI'S as well. But, like SKG said my higher power whom I call God was protecting me from myself. And besides it doesn't really matter that much if people don't like me if I don't learn to like me.
I met this lady at AA who said she has a drawer full of 30 day chips & alot of people at AA don't respect her, but that she has been sober for two yrs. and if she would have given up her seat over what others thought of her she wouldn't be the miracle gift to pass on to others. I personally really loved her testimony.
I've dabbled in both AA & Rational Recovery which it used to confuse me, because I couldn't decide which model was right. Now I just take what I like for that situation in my life & leave the rest. As both have valid concepts for me.
I've been sober for 33 days and I have no more sober time here than anyone else Ruth. I only have today. Heard that at AA. Hope that makes sense to you. I actually had to count the days & realize I was just coming up on 30 last Sat. It helps me to stay in the day. Now I must be honest sometimes I do count but I try not to make a big deal out of it. Try reading on the PP board it's really active and after all addiction is addiction and theres some really wise people there.Of course there is here as well.
Ruth, your awareness of accepting yourself is awesome you know that one drink is to many and 100 is not enough. So, the hard part for me is being honest about it. Frankly I think my emotional maturity is rather young and I'm working on growing up. I go to counseling & will probably find myself working the steps in the New Year I have the Big Book & The Steps & Traditions. I'm involved in a woman's support step group at a church. I can't do it alone! And I don't have to.
There have been two times in the last two wks. that I wanted to drink. Number one my husband who rarely drinks & doesn't drink alcoholicly went to an after work x-mas party. I chose not to go for two reasons needed to take my Mom to Dr. appt. though I could have rearranged and I don't trust myself to the temptation, because I'm still a baby.
Let me tell you what a baby I am. I came home to an empty house and I felt sorry for poor me. Why can't I be like other people I want to go out & have fun. I want to drink & feel that nice little buzz. I want to socialize with other people . I feel deprived and so on. I came close to heading out to the liqour store. but, I think it was closed so then I was close to getting in my car driving to the bar. All I could think of was I havn't had a hot buttered rum, bailey's on the rocks, white russian, those kind x-mas drinks. I recognized that I was mentally obsessing about it. I didn't go I booted up the computer and came on this site and started reading threads. I also started praying.
Now the next time last Fri. I had bad argument with the youngest daughter. I wanted to drink. I guess it's going to take time to undo the emotional medicating I did for so long. There have been also many times I had good intentions to not drink and ended up doing the one thing I didn't want to do. It go's back to step one I'm powerless over people, places and things. That includes myself part of the time. Thats why like Zac posted on x-mas thinking when temptation comes especially this time of yr. quickly hand it over to your higher power.
Ruth, everybody is different some people can go to bars, pubs, parties early in sobriety and not pick up. Others need to build up time before they can be in these situations. I'm one of those people who needs to be very careful where I go. I drank for 30 yrs. I'm also one of those people who can go completely beserk when I drink to much, which is nearly every time I drink as my drinking further progressed. But when I don't drink I'm really a super sweet person. I'm not just saying that, thats what others say about me as well.
Ruth, give yourself a break and don't spend to much time beating yourself up! You had a slip it's obvious that your regretful,mournful over it. Please forgive yourself and move forward. No one can take away your month plus sobriety. You now have four days of sobriety and just keep building one day at a time.
Try some chamoile tea, B-100 vitamins, protein, candles, soft music, buble bath tonight to relieve some of the acute withdrawels. By the sixth or seventh day you will be feeling much better.
God makes each new day with a new sunrise full of love and mercy.
Love, Chris
You came to the right place. I sure won't judge you. I can't tell you how many times I've relapsed/slipped. This disease is powerful,cunning and baffling. I to have been in the back seat of the police car hand cuffed taken to the phys. ward twice. Going beserk screaming, hitting, breaking things including my bones, just wanting to die. I actually attempted suicide. My blood alcohol was .36 swallowed some vocodins,muscle relaxers, anxiety meds, anti depressants, tylenol 3 & bunch of advils in case I woke up with a major headache. Your dead at .40 I spent a wk in the pys. ward & I don't want to go back. Somewhere around 40-50 pills. I'm telling you this even though it's really humilating because it's my hope that it will get you out of yourself & further instill the seriousness of alcoholism. This was 5 yrs. ago I should be dead. But I'm not because God has a purpose for my life I should have had some DUI'S as well. But, like SKG said my higher power whom I call God was protecting me from myself. And besides it doesn't really matter that much if people don't like me if I don't learn to like me.
I met this lady at AA who said she has a drawer full of 30 day chips & alot of people at AA don't respect her, but that she has been sober for two yrs. and if she would have given up her seat over what others thought of her she wouldn't be the miracle gift to pass on to others. I personally really loved her testimony.
I've dabbled in both AA & Rational Recovery which it used to confuse me, because I couldn't decide which model was right. Now I just take what I like for that situation in my life & leave the rest. As both have valid concepts for me.
I've been sober for 33 days and I have no more sober time here than anyone else Ruth. I only have today. Heard that at AA. Hope that makes sense to you. I actually had to count the days & realize I was just coming up on 30 last Sat. It helps me to stay in the day. Now I must be honest sometimes I do count but I try not to make a big deal out of it. Try reading on the PP board it's really active and after all addiction is addiction and theres some really wise people there.Of course there is here as well.
Ruth, your awareness of accepting yourself is awesome you know that one drink is to many and 100 is not enough. So, the hard part for me is being honest about it. Frankly I think my emotional maturity is rather young and I'm working on growing up. I go to counseling & will probably find myself working the steps in the New Year I have the Big Book & The Steps & Traditions. I'm involved in a woman's support step group at a church. I can't do it alone! And I don't have to.
There have been two times in the last two wks. that I wanted to drink. Number one my husband who rarely drinks & doesn't drink alcoholicly went to an after work x-mas party. I chose not to go for two reasons needed to take my Mom to Dr. appt. though I could have rearranged and I don't trust myself to the temptation, because I'm still a baby.
Let me tell you what a baby I am. I came home to an empty house and I felt sorry for poor me. Why can't I be like other people I want to go out & have fun. I want to drink & feel that nice little buzz. I want to socialize with other people . I feel deprived and so on. I came close to heading out to the liqour store. but, I think it was closed so then I was close to getting in my car driving to the bar. All I could think of was I havn't had a hot buttered rum, bailey's on the rocks, white russian, those kind x-mas drinks. I recognized that I was mentally obsessing about it. I didn't go I booted up the computer and came on this site and started reading threads. I also started praying.
Now the next time last Fri. I had bad argument with the youngest daughter. I wanted to drink. I guess it's going to take time to undo the emotional medicating I did for so long. There have been also many times I had good intentions to not drink and ended up doing the one thing I didn't want to do. It go's back to step one I'm powerless over people, places and things. That includes myself part of the time. Thats why like Zac posted on x-mas thinking when temptation comes especially this time of yr. quickly hand it over to your higher power.
Ruth, everybody is different some people can go to bars, pubs, parties early in sobriety and not pick up. Others need to build up time before they can be in these situations. I'm one of those people who needs to be very careful where I go. I drank for 30 yrs. I'm also one of those people who can go completely beserk when I drink to much, which is nearly every time I drink as my drinking further progressed. But when I don't drink I'm really a super sweet person. I'm not just saying that, thats what others say about me as well.
Ruth, give yourself a break and don't spend to much time beating yourself up! You had a slip it's obvious that your regretful,mournful over it. Please forgive yourself and move forward. No one can take away your month plus sobriety. You now have four days of sobriety and just keep building one day at a time.
Try some chamoile tea, B-100 vitamins, protein, candles, soft music, buble bath tonight to relieve some of the acute withdrawels. By the sixth or seventh day you will be feeling much better.
God makes each new day with a new sunrise full of love and mercy.
Love, Chris
Hi Ruth,
You have had some lovely responses here. I will just add my little bit for what it's worth. The first time I tried to stop drinking I was 22. I didn't achieve it until I was 32. It took my drinking to plummet to huge depths and ever more extreme proportions before I made it sober. The relapses are all a part of getting sober. The last relapse I had; well, I had one drink in September 05 and didn't finish until Feb 06. You know how it goes. Don't beat yourself up. Just move on.
You have had some lovely responses here. I will just add my little bit for what it's worth. The first time I tried to stop drinking I was 22. I didn't achieve it until I was 32. It took my drinking to plummet to huge depths and ever more extreme proportions before I made it sober. The relapses are all a part of getting sober. The last relapse I had; well, I had one drink in September 05 and didn't finish until Feb 06. You know how it goes. Don't beat yourself up. Just move on.
Hi Ruth ,
sorry to hear of your relapse. Its a nasty disease isn't it? You mentioned arguing with a family member and being in a bad mood. Was this a trigger that you should be more aware of in the future? I know that there are situations that put me in a foul mood and make drinking rather tempting for me. The silly thing is there is no need for me to react to these situations the way I do. I am quite prone , in certain situations, to make mountaings out of molehills; this is a character defect that I need to work on.
You seem to be holding yourself together... Good For You! Remember its,
one day at a time, Cookster
waving hi to Lookinup!!!!!
sorry to hear of your relapse. Its a nasty disease isn't it? You mentioned arguing with a family member and being in a bad mood. Was this a trigger that you should be more aware of in the future? I know that there are situations that put me in a foul mood and make drinking rather tempting for me. The silly thing is there is no need for me to react to these situations the way I do. I am quite prone , in certain situations, to make mountaings out of molehills; this is a character defect that I need to work on.
You seem to be holding yourself together... Good For You! Remember its,
one day at a time, Cookster
waving hi to Lookinup!!!!!
Hi Ruth
well done for your honesty - gosh its soooo hard isn't it?
Boy I have been sober and relapsed countless times these last 2 years - honestly you are not alone.
There is always hope so long as you keep fighting for sobriety. But the sooner you can "get it" the better it will be for you. I know the same is true for myself as well.
I hope for your sake that this will be your bottom so you don't have to lose any more to alcohol - the great remover.
Its so important to figure out what your triggers are - this is separate I think to craving. For me triggers are stress and boredom.
hang in there Ruth get to a meeting and get some phone numbers.
take care
Idgie
well done for your honesty - gosh its soooo hard isn't it?
Boy I have been sober and relapsed countless times these last 2 years - honestly you are not alone.
There is always hope so long as you keep fighting for sobriety. But the sooner you can "get it" the better it will be for you. I know the same is true for myself as well.
I hope for your sake that this will be your bottom so you don't have to lose any more to alcohol - the great remover.
Its so important to figure out what your triggers are - this is separate I think to craving. For me triggers are stress and boredom.
hang in there Ruth get to a meeting and get some phone numbers.
take care
Idgie
All of you,
Thank you so much for your responses. Today is yet another new day and I know I will get through this ok, I just figured out that I want sobriety, peace and serenity more than I want alcohol. I feel a shift if power inside me and I need to put my energy into that. You get what you think about all day long - and if I can stay focused on wellness then.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Chris, thank you so much for sharing your moving story. It sounds as though alcohol produces the same effect on us both. Police cars have happened twice this year - it never happened before. I'm 32 and have been drinking since I started Uni at 18. This shows that this disease is progressing. It doesn;'t get better but it can be managed with a simple programme - one I am finally willing to embrace whole heartedly and with gusto.
I need for the people I love and who support me to see me well - but mostly I need it.
Thank you all again. Sending you lots of love and support.
Ruth xx
Thank you so much for your responses. Today is yet another new day and I know I will get through this ok, I just figured out that I want sobriety, peace and serenity more than I want alcohol. I feel a shift if power inside me and I need to put my energy into that. You get what you think about all day long - and if I can stay focused on wellness then.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Chris, thank you so much for sharing your moving story. It sounds as though alcohol produces the same effect on us both. Police cars have happened twice this year - it never happened before. I'm 32 and have been drinking since I started Uni at 18. This shows that this disease is progressing. It doesn;'t get better but it can be managed with a simple programme - one I am finally willing to embrace whole heartedly and with gusto.
I need for the people I love and who support me to see me well - but mostly I need it.
Thank you all again. Sending you lots of love and support.
Ruth xx
Sounds like you're getting there by wanting sobriety more than alcohol. You have to really want it. Soldier on and good luck with it!
Gidday Ruth
And thankyou everyone for posting one of the finest examples of how it works...people helping people with E.S.H , no frills, no lies just self honesty and hope.
Ruth i know exactly how you feel the see saw of recovery is balancing as addiction and recovery stand there ground and now you are finding acceptance in your heart, recovery will work if we work at it.
In early recovery there was times that others looked at me sideways and then i started thinking what they are thinking (bad move) and then i would panick about sh@t, like if i tripped on something would they think i have been drinking etc
If i want to get pissed i need alcohol, so i have to go somewhere to buy it and if i want to stay sober i need gratitude so i need to go somewhere to find it and that is inside myself and at meetings and all this has been posted above so beautifully and full of caring that the cryer in me just loves it because everyone knows the journey and there is no pretence just honesty and love......awww god i need a coffee and a cuddle:)
light and love Zac
And thankyou everyone for posting one of the finest examples of how it works...people helping people with E.S.H , no frills, no lies just self honesty and hope.
Ruth i know exactly how you feel the see saw of recovery is balancing as addiction and recovery stand there ground and now you are finding acceptance in your heart, recovery will work if we work at it.
In early recovery there was times that others looked at me sideways and then i started thinking what they are thinking (bad move) and then i would panick about sh@t, like if i tripped on something would they think i have been drinking etc
If i want to get pissed i need alcohol, so i have to go somewhere to buy it and if i want to stay sober i need gratitude so i need to go somewhere to find it and that is inside myself and at meetings and all this has been posted above so beautifully and full of caring that the cryer in me just loves it because everyone knows the journey and there is no pretence just honesty and love......awww god i need a coffee and a cuddle:)
light and love Zac
