Oh well I have just had another bad night and it is 5.20am in the morning. I had gone two days without any Subutex, but about half an hour ago I took some. Was really down and I have decided rather than use the big 8mg tablets I am going to go back to my drug worker and get weened down to the 0.4mg. For some reason my other posts were closed down, so this is my new one to let you know how I get on. Not touched Heroin for 14 months. Will be going back on the Sunny program this week, I think 3/4mg was a litle too high to try and W/D from. If you want to read my other posts you can reply on this one. Thanks
Marky Mark
Hi Mark, I think you're doing the right thing going back to the drug programme. You have shown remarkable character and determination in sticking to your guns and not going back to heroin despite your set backs. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it made a big difference to me, dropping down to 0.4mg, rather than attempting to jump off from 1 or more mgs. I think that it defo helped, having the 0.4's. So go back to the programme as soon as poss and get yourself sorted. If you have any problems on that score, please tells us here, coz I may be able to help you.
And don't worry about your other post getting closed down honey. It was nothing you did wrong! Ever read Harry Potter? Well you just had the message board equivilient of a howler! I ain't gonna go on about it coz I don't want it to carry on here and end up with this post being closed too, but some folks, coz of their own personal strife end up taking their frustrations out on the nearest available junkie, which happened to be you sweetheart, instead of the person who has hurt them. Being a drug addict does not make you a bad person. On the contrary, doing what you're doing, and coming off the drugs and sorting yourself out will make you into an infinitely more compassionate and understanding human being. I'm not a bible basher, not even slightly religious, but I take truth where I find it. Judge not, lest you be judged, my friend. If I ever had a judgemental bone in my body, drug addiction surgically removed it! I have absolutely no regrets about my drug addiction. Don't get me wrong, the only reason I can say that is because I am clean, but drug addiction stripped me down to the bone, took away all my illusions, and I found out exactly who I was. I always had an identity problem, due to my mental illness, and I had to push the boundaries and keep pushing until I found the very edge of myself, and thats what heroin did. And coming through it was such a monumental task, after all the years I spent immersed in it, and I discovered the depths of my courage and strength as well as my depravity. It is a huge relief now to be clean, to be able to close the door on it, but (and lot's of you may find this unpalatable) I am glad to have had heroin as a lover. I'm glad to have had the experience, coz it's such an amazing feeling when it's flowing in your bloodstream. I think my life would have been poorer without it. But again, I can only say that because I am clean, and I have paid the price, coz nothing that good comes without a huge cost, both personal and financial. I have paid the price, and I am not prepared to pay it again, which means that my relationship with heroin is over. But, in my view, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I'm not being frivilous about this, coz I know that many addicts pay with their lives, and the families of addicts are left wondering why, and feeling so lost and betrayed, because they only got to feel the pain and never the pleasure. But I will never lie about the way I feel, coz it was only by facing up to these realities that I was able to make my peace with heroin and say goodbye forever.
So, sermon over! Keep on with what you are doing. You're doing great. Remember this isn't a race, it will take as long as it takes. You're new to all this, and it's a steep learning curve. So each hurdle you come across, figure out how to cross it, take your time, and you'll get there in the end. There's so much more to stopping heroin than just stopping heroin!
love
Diff xxx
And don't worry about your other post getting closed down honey. It was nothing you did wrong! Ever read Harry Potter? Well you just had the message board equivilient of a howler! I ain't gonna go on about it coz I don't want it to carry on here and end up with this post being closed too, but some folks, coz of their own personal strife end up taking their frustrations out on the nearest available junkie, which happened to be you sweetheart, instead of the person who has hurt them. Being a drug addict does not make you a bad person. On the contrary, doing what you're doing, and coming off the drugs and sorting yourself out will make you into an infinitely more compassionate and understanding human being. I'm not a bible basher, not even slightly religious, but I take truth where I find it. Judge not, lest you be judged, my friend. If I ever had a judgemental bone in my body, drug addiction surgically removed it! I have absolutely no regrets about my drug addiction. Don't get me wrong, the only reason I can say that is because I am clean, but drug addiction stripped me down to the bone, took away all my illusions, and I found out exactly who I was. I always had an identity problem, due to my mental illness, and I had to push the boundaries and keep pushing until I found the very edge of myself, and thats what heroin did. And coming through it was such a monumental task, after all the years I spent immersed in it, and I discovered the depths of my courage and strength as well as my depravity. It is a huge relief now to be clean, to be able to close the door on it, but (and lot's of you may find this unpalatable) I am glad to have had heroin as a lover. I'm glad to have had the experience, coz it's such an amazing feeling when it's flowing in your bloodstream. I think my life would have been poorer without it. But again, I can only say that because I am clean, and I have paid the price, coz nothing that good comes without a huge cost, both personal and financial. I have paid the price, and I am not prepared to pay it again, which means that my relationship with heroin is over. But, in my view, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I'm not being frivilous about this, coz I know that many addicts pay with their lives, and the families of addicts are left wondering why, and feeling so lost and betrayed, because they only got to feel the pain and never the pleasure. But I will never lie about the way I feel, coz it was only by facing up to these realities that I was able to make my peace with heroin and say goodbye forever.
So, sermon over! Keep on with what you are doing. You're doing great. Remember this isn't a race, it will take as long as it takes. You're new to all this, and it's a steep learning curve. So each hurdle you come across, figure out how to cross it, take your time, and you'll get there in the end. There's so much more to stopping heroin than just stopping heroin!
love
Diff xxx
Diff
Brilliant post (sermon)
Emily
Brilliant post (sermon)
Emily
Yes thanks Diff and it does not sound strange, but I too feel somewhere deep in my soul that I am glad to have experienced Heroin. It was like a rights of passage and in no way am I bigging it up. And sometimes when the rattling starts I curse myself for ever having touched the stuff, but I am aware enough to understand that soon when I am completely clean and have broken through to the otherside that I will appreciate it as something I learned. I am Agnostic, but did find it quite a spiritual experience, not just the getting high, but also the getting off it and it has become a penance that I have to endure. I guess like alcoholics you realise that Heroin is bigger than you and eventually breaks you, stripping away every last Mask or excuse you would use along the path of Life. Anyway this s*** is getting too deep and I am off for a cup of tea. You'll have me quoting Byron next lol! Anyway I will keep you all informed of my progress and as we speak I have put a letter in the post today to my Drug Worker. I have sent him a two page letter explaining what has happened and my need to get back on the program, not because I would go back onto Heroin, but because I need to be free from the daily grind of taking Subutext and knowing that if I did not take them I would be sick. I no longer get high anymore apart from getting high on Life. I love reading and writing, infact I love life too much to waste anymore. I have a couple of tablets left until my Drug Worker gets in touch, but I am only taking them when it gets too much. Thanks all and watch this space!
Hi Mark, just a thought, can't you phone your drug worker to get this sorted sooner rather than later? Your programme doesn't sound like mine, coz my drug worker was on my door step all the time when I was doing my rattle, and certainly would have made time to see me if I ended up in hospital! You sound as if you're going back to the programme with your tail between your legs. You shouldn't feel that way. You have not failed. Honestly, they see people all the time who f*** up and go back to the gear. You haven't done that! You just need more medication. They should know that right now you need their support more than ever, so don't feel bad about calling them, OK?
love
Diff x
love
Diff x
No it is fine, he telephoned me yesterday. The letter I sent him him reached him yesterday and he phoned me straight away. Today is Thursday and after writing this I am off to see him this afternoon to get the smaller tablets. After my week of hell I am just taking small amounts now, but I feel so run down. It really took it out of me last week. I went fishing yesterday to give myself a treat and a little peace. I am in a better frame of mind now, still really run down, but I am reforming my battle lines for the next (and hopefully last) battle with subutex. I have not had heroin for 14 months now and I am proud of that fact, it is the subbies that are the problem now, but hopefully not for long. Will keep you updated as I progress. Cheers Diff you have been a real pal. Take care
Marky Mark
Marky Mark
Hi Mark, hope that you have got the 0.4mgs sorted now. Don't be tempted to rush yourself. The rattle will take it out of you for sure, so spend a few days relaxing and getting a big vitamin hit from eating properly. Lots of tasty dinners... Roast chicken, roast sweet potatoes, lots of veg and yummy gravy! Plenty of fruit (does your girlfriend like cooking? It's a great time of year to make blackberry and apple crumble!). Ha! I'm laughing at myself now. I think my pregnancy cravings are getting through somehow! Just don't be tempted to go for another drop before you are feeling well again. It's important to get yourself into a good physical condition before going through it again. The stronger you are, the better you will cope. So go fishing, get fresh air etc. Fishing is great. I go sea fishing with my man from time to time, and put him, The "Great White Hunter" to shame by catching more than him! He, who reckons he's the best Goddamned fisherman in Wales!
OK, gotta check on MY roast chicken now!
love
Diff xxx
OK, gotta check on MY roast chicken now!
love
Diff xxx
Just got back from my Drug Worker, yeah Diff; they are going to sort me out and now I can get this done properly. Hope your pregnancy goes well and I am so glad I met you as a friend. I wish we could talk via email, but you cannot really go posting your email all over the place. My Girlfriend read your story and really admires you, Sue has never had Heroin or any problems really with drugs, but she has been so supportive for me and loved your story. Maybe one day, we can get this book wrote. Fate is a funny bugger, but I will always be thankful of having a friend I did not know from Adam named Diff helping me out. All along through out this I have always remembered. 14 months without Heroin and... No matter what happens that will do me!. I have an email on Yahoo howarth68@yahoo.com if you want to write to that, as it is not my main email address. Will keep everyone posted as this goes on, at the doctors tomorrow 11.30am to go down to the smaller tablets and to start the next phase of this battle.
hiya marky mark just read ur posts you have done really well mate congratulations 4 getting this far i cant beleive that bette on ur other post what the f*** was her problem she was bang out of order she dosn't know what shes talking bout! anyway good luck you'll make it i know u will your determined good luck 4 the future too my friend
new beginings
kezza
new beginings
kezza
Hi everyone
Been to drug workers today and we have a new plan to get through this, but this time he has told me not to rush. Anyway he give me a prescrition for a week, because he trusts me and I will go and see him next Thursday again. Fingers crossed everything should work out okay this time.
Been to drug workers today and we have a new plan to get through this, but this time he has told me not to rush. Anyway he give me a prescrition for a week, because he trusts me and I will go and see him next Thursday again. Fingers crossed everything should work out okay this time.
Hi Mark, that's great! OK, so you've got the script, and you've got a week and then you see him again. Now, I know that you said that you want to be well to take care of your girl after her op, but don't let that put added pressure on you. You know that you will be physically well on the subs, and able to take care of her whilst on a script. Sooo, I know how keen you are to get off them, but would you consider perhaps doing the jump after she's better? It's not the end of the world. You've waited this long and it won't harm you to wait a little longer. One thing I learned after repeatedly making mistakes with my script was that it's easy to act in haste and repent at leisure. I just want the jump to be as painless for you as poss. I found it helpful when I got down to the low doses to do a 0.4 drop, then stabilise, for a week or more. As long as it took for my body to completely adjust to the drop and for me to stop rattling. When the subs were holding me at my new low dose, I would then think about the next drop. So, from say 2mgs, I would drop down to 1.6mgs. Got used to that pretty quick, and the next week drop down to 1.2mgs. I just think it might be helpful to trash the whole idea of a time table that you feel somehow obliged to stick to, often against your better judgement, and let this final reduction be led by how you feel, and not put unfair pressure on yourself. You WILL get there, but please take your time. You don't get added bonus points for doing it quickly, so take your foot off the gas a bit and RELAX!
I think you will find it much better with the 0.4mg tablets, and the drops are far less painful and much easier to cope with. You've done great, so give yourself a break! Just by giving yourself that extra few weeks, you can reduce the pain of withdrawal so much, and it will be less traumatic for you, and less likely to aggravate your barratts disease. You had a warning last time, so listen to your body, OK?
As long as you reach your goal it doesn't really matter if it takes you a little longer than you'd planned.
I saw a great bit of graffiti on a toilet door the other day:
Be who you are becoming
Not who you were.
Experience is growth.
I thought that absolutely has to be written by a junkie!
love
Diff xxx
I think you will find it much better with the 0.4mg tablets, and the drops are far less painful and much easier to cope with. You've done great, so give yourself a break! Just by giving yourself that extra few weeks, you can reduce the pain of withdrawal so much, and it will be less traumatic for you, and less likely to aggravate your barratts disease. You had a warning last time, so listen to your body, OK?
As long as you reach your goal it doesn't really matter if it takes you a little longer than you'd planned.
I saw a great bit of graffiti on a toilet door the other day:
Be who you are becoming
Not who you were.
Experience is growth.
I thought that absolutely has to be written by a junkie!
love
Diff xxx
Hey mark, just wanted to let you know that one of your posts to diff made me cry!. the one where you said if nothing else, you are glad that you have made a friend. You sound like a lovely bloke, I really hope this all goes well for you and for your Girlfriend.
Take care.
Karen
Take care.
Karen
Yeah there is no rush, thats the mistake I made last time. This time I will be taking it easy and while I am looking after my Girlfriend I will be not doing any thinking or trying to get off the subs. Going to concentrate on getting my Girlfriend well, because she's always been there for me. Thanks Karen and I think being addicted to Heroin makes you a better person, perhaps if all blokes went through this ordeal it would make them all less selfish and more thoughtfull. Like Diff says it strips you bare and you build from there. I guess it is how you rebuild that counts, but I aint no saint and can be probably as bad as the next person. I just hope that I can become a better all-round person. Eventually helping people gives you a better buzz then hurting others. I just hope that when I am on the other side of this I will always remember this!
I class myself as a normal guy, not too jealous and not a head case. Maybe it is the drugs screwing my head up, but you know when your right don't you, drugs or not. My girlfriend got a visit from her ex husbands mate, it's a long story so I shall try and keep it simple. Everybody knows what blokes are like (even blokes) she reckons he is just a friend and I believe her but she is so fooking dim! This guy phoned on Friday night giving her a sob story telling her he was split up and had no where to live. The only reason he got off the phone was because she said she was at mine (a little too quickly if you ask me) Anyway then the barstool phones again Sunday night pretending again he has rung the wrong number, now hang on a minute is it me and is my girlfriend that stupid she does not know he is cracking onto her or has he phoned her and come down by accident twice in one weekend? I really did not need this and our relationship has been through the mill as it is, but this looks like the end guys. I cannot afford to have s*** like that messing with my head. I really need some advice Diff or Karen. I have never been overly jealous and I need to know what to do? Okay this aint anything to do with Drugs, but it is Life. I trust my girlfriend, but I do not trust his intentions, get what I mean? We have been to hell and back, but I am still young and bloody good looking (Johnny Depp/Charlie Sheen) I have been thinking of moving on for sometime I am 38 and need a direction in life and do not want DYLANS! I want a partner who loves me not just a partner!
Mark, you said that you are thinking of moving on, so first let me ask you, what is wrong with your relationship that you find yourself feeling this way?
if she is not someone you want in your life anymore let her go.
But if you are jealous then that tells me you do care for her.
have you tried talking to her about this Bloke? If she is anything like me, she would not have a clue that he is coming on to her. I never know when that is happening, until someone else tells me that the bloke is coming on to me. I am just a friendly person, I have no interest in messing my Husband around.
Now, when I say talk, thats what i mean, don't get all learry and start shouting (that's what most blokes do) just talk to her and tell her how you feel, but you also may not want her to feel that she needs to hide friendships from you either. It's not easy this talking to eachother lark. Take a deep breath, stay calm and go for it.
Does this Bloke know that she is with you?
Karen
if she is not someone you want in your life anymore let her go.
But if you are jealous then that tells me you do care for her.
have you tried talking to her about this Bloke? If she is anything like me, she would not have a clue that he is coming on to her. I never know when that is happening, until someone else tells me that the bloke is coming on to me. I am just a friendly person, I have no interest in messing my Husband around.
Now, when I say talk, thats what i mean, don't get all learry and start shouting (that's what most blokes do) just talk to her and tell her how you feel, but you also may not want her to feel that she needs to hide friendships from you either. It's not easy this talking to eachother lark. Take a deep breath, stay calm and go for it.
Does this Bloke know that she is with you?
Karen
Just when you think you have got life licked it licks you back! Trying my best to get my head around this and I am doing great, well as great as can be. Not having heroin and thats what could have happened. Keeping to the program, but Life really is a bugger!
Hi mark, I've been away for a few days so haven't been in touch. Nobody else can tell you what you should do with your own relationship, so you need to ask yourself a few questions. You say that you trust her, but not him. Nobody "accidently" ends up in bed with anyone else, so if you totally trust her, then it shouldn't be an issue. And also, I don't think she's that dim. Maybe she just doesn't want to own up to knowing his intentions, coz of the ructions it could cause for you two. Are you jumping off at the deep end coz you just don't think you can handle this right now, whether you trust her or not? And as far as wanting to move on, sometimes that ain't no bad thing. But you have to judge it. Sometimes I think my life would be so much more comfortable without being in a volatile relationship, but that has to be your judgement call. Moving on can lead to wonderful and unexpected surprises. But it can also lead to a lonely place, and hard place, and putting yourself there could lead you back to somewhere you've just escaped from, know what I mean? I found being alone was tough, but also theraputic. It forced me to confront my demons, coz I had nothing to shield me from them any more. But I had total faith in my ability to stay away from the drugs. The one time I did go and use (a total one off) was because I felt so claustrophobic in my relationship (my fella is a control freak who has never done heroin) that I just wanted to go somewhere where he couldn't follow me, both literally and metaphorically. A sort of "Welcome to MY World, beautiful..." It wasn't even about the drugs, it was just about asserting my independence from him, showing him that I was capable to just stepping out of his life, and I had a whole life that he had no understanding of, and it took me to a place where he could never reach me. So staying when you're not happy can also lead to you to do reckless things. I realised my stupidity and never felt the need to do it again. But that's just me. I will cut off my nose to spite my face sometimes, when backed into a corner, my wilful streak just runs out of control.
Maybe you should take a step back. It's hard to make rational decisions when emotion is running high. When you get clean, it changes you, and not all relationships can survive it. But you are more important than the relationship. Don't sacrifice yourself for it.
love
Diff xxx
Maybe you should take a step back. It's hard to make rational decisions when emotion is running high. When you get clean, it changes you, and not all relationships can survive it. But you are more important than the relationship. Don't sacrifice yourself for it.
love
Diff xxx
Things have calmed down a touch over the last few days and I am taking 4mg of subbies at the moment and will reduce to 3mgs next week. Back on the smaller tablets now and will try and make this my priority over every other madness that is happening in my life at the moment. Some Fraudsters been into my bank account and I dropped my phone down the toilet, the bailiffs have finally caught up with me and I owe 3000 what a great week it has been!
Oh boy, it doesn't rain but it pours hey? Sometimes Mark, you just gotta laugh (coz if you didn't you'd cry!). Even the worst things can sometimes turn out to be blessings, so don't crawl into a depression just coz things are tough. I know where you're at with the bailiffs though. Are these court bailiffs (fines) or just regular debts? I remember getting arrested at 6.30 am to appear in fines court, I expected a jail term, but the magi's decided to halve my debt to society and give me another shot, so that wasn't a bad result, but on leaving court I was arrested again, and taken to court in Carmarthen for another debt to a loan shark. The judge there took pity on me and wrote to the loan sharks and told them they were no longer allowed to pursue me for the money, so that was a bonus. And the coppers who arrested me bought me fish and chips on the way to Carmarthen, coz I hadn't eaten all day, due to being locked up in holding cells all b****** day! So at the end of a godawful day I owed about 7k less than I had when I got "the knock" that morning, so I reckon it was worth it. Running away from these type of problems just gives you more stress in the long run, so bite the bullet and face up to it. And as for the mobile down the toilet, well, we've all done that once or twice! Bad luck about the fraudsters. If they robbed my account they'd be very disappointed since I've got F all in it! Poverty has it's advantages!
And remember that you can't go to prison for personal debt, but you can for fines, so be careful!
Take care buddy!
love
Diff xxx
And remember that you can't go to prison for personal debt, but you can for fines, so be careful!
Take care buddy!
love
Diff xxx
No I aint got any fines thank god just personal debt from a credit card, but it is like 3000 what do I say to them and can they take my stuff? I have just got my flat back looking like a flat since pawning everything in for heroin, now I have a few good items and I do not want them going. How can I get around this, bleeding credit cards...big rip off!
Things aint cooking in my Kitchen!
Things aint cooking in my Kitchen!
