Morning all my ARG friends.....
I've been catching up on reading posts and I saw a couple posts on the boards ( I read them all..lol) of people having thoughts about drinking or using and I got that nudge to share on here....
I still get those occassional thoughts and every once in a great while I still will have a drinking/using dream....in my first 60 days of sobriety, that obsession was there daily but each day, it wasn't as strong. I remember my first week, the thoughts came almost every 10 minutes but I have found out through recovery and the fellowship that this is a normal occurance of an alcoholic but I was also given some tools to help with those occurances....My friend Ricardo shares all the time, that we are not responsible for our first thought but we are responsible for how we act on our thoughts...I was told that the brain's wiring is readjusting and triggers are a normal balance, that PAWS (thank you Tim!) happen but the blessing is after you have that "off" day, in my experience, the next day seems so much easier and clearer.....
Dsam, Denise from the PP board shared how she would embrace these feelings as her spriritual being was getting to reveal something and rather than fear it, she would work on her program and be aware for the spritual awakening that was getting ready to happen....
Today when I have a thought of drinking/using or have a dream, I share it....no more keeping it inside and letting it fester and grow, that's what my disease wants, more than anything. I am only as sick as my secrets and that is such a powerful saying.
Another suggestion, made to me quite a bit early in recovery when I was off kilter was from my BFF, Miss Katbird and she would suggest to find another alcoholic to help, go to a meeting and greet the newcomer that is walking in full of fear and panic and listen to them. Today I find when I listen and hear another human being, I am out of myself and relieved of my thoughts.....and above all, I pray to my HP, God to take my obession/craving, to relieve me of bondage of self and to please put people in my life that I can be of service to and carry his message to....
Teresa was the first person I had ever shared my self with, all those fears and insecurities and she kept it so simple in the beginning for me....
Pray to God
Clean House
Help others
and my favorite thing that she told me in that 1st email when I wanted to finally stay sober after years of battling relapse was "using/drinking isn't an option today"
One day at a time....Just for today....All anyone of us has is exactly this moment in this 24hrs and today I am grateful that I'm not busy at work, that I have a strong f2f fellowship, that I have ALL of you guys on this board and that God is first and foremost today......
Anyone else care to share about how they get through their thoughts, their triggers, their down days? Ahem, Miss Katbird, you around today?
Much love and God bless,
xoxo
Stacey
That was a powerful post Stacey.I'm home for lunch and one of the highlights of my day is reading your daily meditations in my e-mail.
I just got a tirade of expletives from a client over something I had nothing to do with.A lot of times today my first reaction is to not want a pill or drink but to commit homocide.I had to calm myself down and reafirm the fact that his anger really had nothing to do with me.........and it didn't.After about 30 seconds his whole attitude and demeanor changed.
I still wanted to slap the s*** out of him.
IMO the only way an alcoholic or addict can never have thoughts of using is to have a pre-frontal lobotomy.It's like you stated....It's all about what we do with those thoughts.If you give them enough air time,they will manifest into an old fashioned compulsion.I don't even like playing the whole tape through number because that's entertaining the whole senario too long.I will literally stop what I'm doing and do some serious self talk to get me out of it.
It's not so much about wanting to use today as much as reverting back to some old behavior.If I stay in bad behavior too long,then wanting to self medicate is not far behind.Self-will run riot can be my dillema.I do have the tools today to get me out of it.The cliches and slogans which grate on my nerves have become close friends in a crisis,HALT is real important to me right now because I'm swamped at work.When my stomach starts growling and my mouth gets a life of it own,it's time to exit.
Thanks Stacey
I just got a tirade of expletives from a client over something I had nothing to do with.A lot of times today my first reaction is to not want a pill or drink but to commit homocide.I had to calm myself down and reafirm the fact that his anger really had nothing to do with me.........and it didn't.After about 30 seconds his whole attitude and demeanor changed.
I still wanted to slap the s*** out of him.
IMO the only way an alcoholic or addict can never have thoughts of using is to have a pre-frontal lobotomy.It's like you stated....It's all about what we do with those thoughts.If you give them enough air time,they will manifest into an old fashioned compulsion.I don't even like playing the whole tape through number because that's entertaining the whole senario too long.I will literally stop what I'm doing and do some serious self talk to get me out of it.
It's not so much about wanting to use today as much as reverting back to some old behavior.If I stay in bad behavior too long,then wanting to self medicate is not far behind.Self-will run riot can be my dillema.I do have the tools today to get me out of it.The cliches and slogans which grate on my nerves have become close friends in a crisis,HALT is real important to me right now because I'm swamped at work.When my stomach starts growling and my mouth gets a life of it own,it's time to exit.
Thanks Stacey
Good topic, 24G--thanks.
When I came into the rooms of AA, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to drink just to ease the pain of drinking. You've heard of 'Hair of the Dog What Bit Ya?" Well, I was up to a Kennel-A-Day!
Since being in the program, working the steps, and having at least 24 hours of sobriety, here's what I've learned about "drinking/drugging dreams," and some other thoughts:
1) Alcohol is out in the parking lot doing pushups.
2) My obsession is lifted contingent on my spiritual condition.
3) MY Higher Power is the Power Greater Than Myself. I always give Him/Her/It the first drink.
4) One is too many, 20 is never enough.
5) Courage is Fear that has said its prayers.
6) I need to play to tape all the way through of my drinking.
7) Stinkin' Thinkin' Leads to Drinkin'
8) If sobriety isn't first, it won't last.
9) Do what I did and I'll get what I got.
10) Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.
11) I don't want the morning after the night before.
12) Keep coming back, it works if you work it.
13) Pray daily, God is easier to talk to than most people.
14) If drinking doesn't bring you to your knees, sobriety will.
15) I suffer from alcohol-ISM, not alcohol-WASM
16) Some people drink normally, and I normally drink .
17) AA is the easier, softer way.
18) If you don't want to slip, stay away from slippery places.
19) The mind is like a parachute, it works better when it's open.
20) You can't save your face and your a** at the same time.
21) If I don't let go, I lose my grip.
22) Don't give up before the miracle happens.
23) I never have to drink again.
24) If you don't talk about it, you'll drink about it.
25) In AA, for every nut there's a wrench.
For me, cliches work, because I tend to forget, give up rational thought, and then The Committee takes over. I need simple, perfunctory, repetitive, memorable one-liners to remind me of what I am. Otherwise, Pride and Ego will come dancing out naked--and THEN it get's unsightly...
When I came into the rooms of AA, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to drink just to ease the pain of drinking. You've heard of 'Hair of the Dog What Bit Ya?" Well, I was up to a Kennel-A-Day!
Since being in the program, working the steps, and having at least 24 hours of sobriety, here's what I've learned about "drinking/drugging dreams," and some other thoughts:
1) Alcohol is out in the parking lot doing pushups.
2) My obsession is lifted contingent on my spiritual condition.
3) MY Higher Power is the Power Greater Than Myself. I always give Him/Her/It the first drink.
4) One is too many, 20 is never enough.
5) Courage is Fear that has said its prayers.
6) I need to play to tape all the way through of my drinking.
7) Stinkin' Thinkin' Leads to Drinkin'
8) If sobriety isn't first, it won't last.
9) Do what I did and I'll get what I got.
10) Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.
11) I don't want the morning after the night before.
12) Keep coming back, it works if you work it.
13) Pray daily, God is easier to talk to than most people.
14) If drinking doesn't bring you to your knees, sobriety will.
15) I suffer from alcohol-ISM, not alcohol-WASM
16) Some people drink normally, and I normally drink .
17) AA is the easier, softer way.
18) If you don't want to slip, stay away from slippery places.
19) The mind is like a parachute, it works better when it's open.
20) You can't save your face and your a** at the same time.
21) If I don't let go, I lose my grip.
22) Don't give up before the miracle happens.
23) I never have to drink again.
24) If you don't talk about it, you'll drink about it.
25) In AA, for every nut there's a wrench.
For me, cliches work, because I tend to forget, give up rational thought, and then The Committee takes over. I need simple, perfunctory, repetitive, memorable one-liners to remind me of what I am. Otherwise, Pride and Ego will come dancing out naked--and THEN it get's unsightly...
Stace,
Great post. Yup I've had those dreams. And sometimes when I wake up it takes a while for the mist to clear and to realise that I am not at the side of the gutter and not in a jail cell and I haven't insulted everyone I know, and boy does that feel good.
Do you know, for me I can honestly say that the best part of being sober is waking up and remembering what I did the night before. You see, I wasn't so lucky that I would pass out or black out when I drank. At least not at first. I flipped out and went nuts. Smash things up, go absolutely beserk, most likely drive my long suffering mother out into the streets seeking refuge from me, and THEN I would black out. I could wake up in the moring to find broken glass on the floors, all the lights on, the front door of my house wide open so that anybody could have walked in and did God knows what to me. I wouldn't have known about it. I was out cold.
I never ever ever want to revisit the nightmare world that was my drinking. So that's why my drinking dreams are enough to bring me out in cold sweats.
Isn't it strange that when we do have those inclinations or thoughts to drink we think about the nice things alcohol can do for us, the nice feeling of those first couple of drinks, the letting go. I personally have to force myself to play the tape all the way through, to lying in a jail cell having probably wet myself. I'm sorry. It's not pleasant. But my drinking days never really were, if I'm honest.
Great post. Yup I've had those dreams. And sometimes when I wake up it takes a while for the mist to clear and to realise that I am not at the side of the gutter and not in a jail cell and I haven't insulted everyone I know, and boy does that feel good.
Do you know, for me I can honestly say that the best part of being sober is waking up and remembering what I did the night before. You see, I wasn't so lucky that I would pass out or black out when I drank. At least not at first. I flipped out and went nuts. Smash things up, go absolutely beserk, most likely drive my long suffering mother out into the streets seeking refuge from me, and THEN I would black out. I could wake up in the moring to find broken glass on the floors, all the lights on, the front door of my house wide open so that anybody could have walked in and did God knows what to me. I wouldn't have known about it. I was out cold.
I never ever ever want to revisit the nightmare world that was my drinking. So that's why my drinking dreams are enough to bring me out in cold sweats.
Isn't it strange that when we do have those inclinations or thoughts to drink we think about the nice things alcohol can do for us, the nice feeling of those first couple of drinks, the letting go. I personally have to force myself to play the tape all the way through, to lying in a jail cell having probably wet myself. I'm sorry. It's not pleasant. But my drinking days never really were, if I'm honest.
Well, BFF, I am happy to report I haven't had a desire to drink or drug in a long time. As far as using dreams go, I enjoy them. I used to have dreams that I had to pick up a white chip and I never dreamt that I was high so I would get upset because I missed the "fun" part of the dream.
I think when I came in this time I was done and knew I was done. I just didn't know how to stay stopped. I was desperate to learn though. When my sponsor asked what lengths I would go to to stay sober I had no problem saying any length. I went to 2 meetings a day my first year in a half and then slowed down to 1. I got active. I made coffee, chaired meetings, held office. There wasn't enough I could do for AA. I must admit I have slowed down lately. I recently changed home groups because it seemed like I was the longest time member and the newcomers were looking to me to DO the work instead of showing them how and control freak that I am I enjoyed doing it. So I left and they are getting along fine without me. Imagine that! But I am getting away from the subject as usual. After my first year I was pretty much over the desire to get high. But we joke about it at work all the time and I think that relieves stress. My boss asked me today what we could do to celebrate the halfway house's tenth anniversary and smartassed me said let's get a keg. We are always talking about getting a bottle but neither one of us mean it. After many months of dental work Mike was finally in so much pain he brought home Tylenol 3s the other day. It didn't bother me. I called my sponsor, told her they were in the house and if they bothered me she would be hearing from me soon. Today I threw them in the basket with the vitamins because although I didn't want them I didn't need to be looking at them sitting on the counter. Ya know?
Ok, back to work. The kids seem to want food for the week.
I think when I came in this time I was done and knew I was done. I just didn't know how to stay stopped. I was desperate to learn though. When my sponsor asked what lengths I would go to to stay sober I had no problem saying any length. I went to 2 meetings a day my first year in a half and then slowed down to 1. I got active. I made coffee, chaired meetings, held office. There wasn't enough I could do for AA. I must admit I have slowed down lately. I recently changed home groups because it seemed like I was the longest time member and the newcomers were looking to me to DO the work instead of showing them how and control freak that I am I enjoyed doing it. So I left and they are getting along fine without me. Imagine that! But I am getting away from the subject as usual. After my first year I was pretty much over the desire to get high. But we joke about it at work all the time and I think that relieves stress. My boss asked me today what we could do to celebrate the halfway house's tenth anniversary and smartassed me said let's get a keg. We are always talking about getting a bottle but neither one of us mean it. After many months of dental work Mike was finally in so much pain he brought home Tylenol 3s the other day. It didn't bother me. I called my sponsor, told her they were in the house and if they bothered me she would be hearing from me soon. Today I threw them in the basket with the vitamins because although I didn't want them I didn't need to be looking at them sitting on the counter. Ya know?
Ok, back to work. The kids seem to want food for the week.
Great thread 24 gordon and thanks to all shared on it as dreams go i enjoy them these days i dont see them as a concern, thoughts and feelings are a little different i let them flow and dont act on them they are all a large part of my life and i see them for what they are also i carry these phrases round with me
Everything is possible
If you want something give it
When you make a choice you change the future
Dont say no go with the flow
Everytime you wish or want you plant a seed
Enjoy the journey
Youre here for a reason
and one i picked up on this board
maybe tommorow but not today
Everything is possible
If you want something give it
When you make a choice you change the future
Dont say no go with the flow
Everytime you wish or want you plant a seed
Enjoy the journey
Youre here for a reason
and one i picked up on this board
maybe tommorow but not today
Great post 24 and great replies.Like Tim I also look forward to the readings you send me each day.I always find them helpful. Ain't it cool that you touch so many people's lives with your ESH? Ruth I can identify with the thoughts about how we remember the nice feeling alcohol gave us. But after the first couple of drinks like you, I know that after that feeling comes a whole lotta crapppppppp. Thanks for such a positive post 24 :)
p.s by the way I forward your readings on to a woman that I have met recently through my program so they keep travelling lol
p.s by the way I forward your readings on to a woman that I have met recently through my program so they keep travelling lol
Gidday Everyone
In my first year of recovery the dreams were so real that i had to check by the bed to see if i had peed and on one occasion i had to ask my wife
The more distance i have from the last drink and the closer i get to my higher power the more at peace i am with the ping pong balls in my head
About a year ago (11 and 1/2 years in) i had a really vivid drink dream and it was due to self stressing and not talking all that was in my head out.
There is no need for me to desire drink on a daily basis anymore because i am following a recovery programme on a daily basis and i have choices and options available that are all positive based.
There is a part of me that loves alcohol, thinks that a park bench and living for death on a blackout existance is cool, that is why i go to meetings and acknowledge that i am an alcoholic because it is for my ears as well as yours:)
I have to maintain all the little bits and pieces that annoy me in my day because if i allow stuff to build in my head then i am walking towards something that will lead to a thinking guilt/fear that may lead to stinking thinking that may lead to a drink and because i have an active recovery process in my mind and emails etc AA, these boards, friends, my wife
When i drink i drink to get away from my self.....and that for me is another good reason not to drink because i dont want to die
light and love Zac
Great Post Stace:)
In my first year of recovery the dreams were so real that i had to check by the bed to see if i had peed and on one occasion i had to ask my wife
The more distance i have from the last drink and the closer i get to my higher power the more at peace i am with the ping pong balls in my head
About a year ago (11 and 1/2 years in) i had a really vivid drink dream and it was due to self stressing and not talking all that was in my head out.
There is no need for me to desire drink on a daily basis anymore because i am following a recovery programme on a daily basis and i have choices and options available that are all positive based.
There is a part of me that loves alcohol, thinks that a park bench and living for death on a blackout existance is cool, that is why i go to meetings and acknowledge that i am an alcoholic because it is for my ears as well as yours:)
I have to maintain all the little bits and pieces that annoy me in my day because if i allow stuff to build in my head then i am walking towards something that will lead to a thinking guilt/fear that may lead to stinking thinking that may lead to a drink and because i have an active recovery process in my mind and emails etc AA, these boards, friends, my wife
When i drink i drink to get away from my self.....and that for me is another good reason not to drink because i dont want to die
light and love Zac
Great Post Stace:)
So long as I don't spend time around alcohol it isn't an issue anymore.
When it's in front of me at a party or in a restaurant the thought arises "why not?".
My response now is "why?".
And I can't honestly think of a reason.
It doesn't occur to me to drink in response to what life throws at me. My response now to sadness, despair, frustration, hurt, grief, rage is no longer to rebel against God by drinking to throw myself into oblivion and reject the life He gave me....instead it is to recognise the opportunity to strengthen my conscious contact....the key to which is, as zac never tires of pointing out, gratitude. I am grateful for the opportunity to bear life's burdens, as they are the consequence of being alive....they are evidence that I AM alive....that I have a ticket to a miracle that keeps unfolding and an existence that I simply cannot take for granted ever again.
Acceptance. If I accept this gift of life I accept it as it is. What part of life do I want God to change to suit me? Nothing. I do not understand it and can never hope to; all I can do is be grateful to be a part of it. As much as the trees and the stars. Nothing can match that and I won't willingly part with it.
Martin
When it's in front of me at a party or in a restaurant the thought arises "why not?".
My response now is "why?".
And I can't honestly think of a reason.
It doesn't occur to me to drink in response to what life throws at me. My response now to sadness, despair, frustration, hurt, grief, rage is no longer to rebel against God by drinking to throw myself into oblivion and reject the life He gave me....instead it is to recognise the opportunity to strengthen my conscious contact....the key to which is, as zac never tires of pointing out, gratitude. I am grateful for the opportunity to bear life's burdens, as they are the consequence of being alive....they are evidence that I AM alive....that I have a ticket to a miracle that keeps unfolding and an existence that I simply cannot take for granted ever again.
Acceptance. If I accept this gift of life I accept it as it is. What part of life do I want God to change to suit me? Nothing. I do not understand it and can never hope to; all I can do is be grateful to be a part of it. As much as the trees and the stars. Nothing can match that and I won't willingly part with it.
Martin
Great Brain food Gordie! :-)
The dreams still come for me from time to time. I always wake up in a panic because they always seem so real and I wake up thinking I am coming to. Does that make sense? The initial feeling is shame and disappointment in myself until I realize it was just a horrible nightmare. Those are the booze dreams.
As for drug dreams I enjoy those for some strange reason. I don't have them too much anymore but when I get really stressed and have a lot to do I dream that I do a couple of rails and get all of my stuff done. Of course I wake up and all of the the things on my list are still there.
Not sure if they will ever go away. Our brains are forever changed with this disease.
On we go. One day at a time.
Good thread Stacey! Take care.
Valarie
The dreams still come for me from time to time. I always wake up in a panic because they always seem so real and I wake up thinking I am coming to. Does that make sense? The initial feeling is shame and disappointment in myself until I realize it was just a horrible nightmare. Those are the booze dreams.
As for drug dreams I enjoy those for some strange reason. I don't have them too much anymore but when I get really stressed and have a lot to do I dream that I do a couple of rails and get all of my stuff done. Of course I wake up and all of the the things on my list are still there.
Not sure if they will ever go away. Our brains are forever changed with this disease.
On we go. One day at a time.
Good thread Stacey! Take care.
Valarie
