I have been saying for a week or so that I was going to give cleaning up a real go and finally that time has come. I have had gear today and will have a hit before I go to bed then I will wake up in the morning feeling sick take my Subutex and that it. I woke up feeling so sick this morning it was frightening, you know when you wake up like that and you fall back to sleep in that weird ssickness sleep, feeling all grimy. It really took me back to when I was really bad. Anyway I got up did what I had to do, but I also allowed myself to actually feel the rattle and understand that unless I do something about my siuation then I better get used to waking up like this. For those of you who are clean and have been for a while, I advice you to try and remember what it is like to wake up feeling sick. I don't know anything else like it. Furthmore when I woke up I knew I had Subutex and money and my gear was at the other end of the phone, so one way or the other I knew I was ok. Now put your mind back to the times when you woke up with f*** all, no money no gear. That is something that I think it is worth reminding yourself of from time to time. Enough of that. Over the next week I am locking myself off from everything. My parents have asked me to look after their house whilst they are on holiday so it is my plan to use this opportunity to get back on my Subutex and knock the using on the head. Summer is on the way and I want to be able to wear T-shirts without worrying about showing my arms. Last summer I had the most amazing time, it was the first summer on the street for 4 years and I went to the festivals it was just.... Idon't know I have got a big grin on my face looking back to what it was like!!! After 4 years of being locked up by myself at 8 o'clock going to Glastonbury and wondering about was a crazy experience despite the rain. I went their just 2 weeks after getting out. None of that is possible to me when I am using. Theres no point in looking back over the past few months and driving myself mad, whats happened has happeened now I must pick myself up and move on. Theres so much out there for me when I am clean, but when I am using forget it. Once I get 7 days without using and get in hte habit of waking up taking the Subutex I will be ok. I'm ready for this and don't be surprised if I am writing loads of nonsense over the next week or so!!! Peace
Good luck to you dannyj. I truly hope you do this.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Crazywife
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Crazywife
Danny
I would like to wish you the best on getting clean, we are all here for you.
Keep posting,i enjoy your debates and post.
Emily
I would like to wish you the best on getting clean, we are all here for you.
Keep posting,i enjoy your debates and post.
Emily
Danny good job I am glad you posted hope to see you around.
jane
jane
HI DANNY,JUST READ YOUR STORY I FOTE YOU DONT HAVE CRAVINGS WHEN ON SUBUTEX?I KNOW MOST OF ITS IN YOUR HEAD,WELL IN MY CASE IT IS!! TODAY I GOT HOPFULLY SOME PROMISING NEWS?? IVE BEEN APOINTED A DRUG WORKER,AND IM HOPING TO GET SUBUTEX OFF HIM?THO I DONT KNOW IF ITS AVALIBALE HERE?BUT PEOPLE I'VE SPOKE TO WHO ARE ON IT JUST NOW SAY ITS A WONDER DRUG????
MY QUESTION IS IF ITS THAT GREAT AND YOU DONT HAVE TO GO FREW ALL THE SHAKE'S AND SWET'S THAT YOU USALLY DO,THEN WHY IS THERE THE NEED TO TAKE KIT??OR IS IT THE FIXATION OF GETTING YOUR WORKS READY?WIF ME I FINK I'VE GOT A FOIL FIXATION GETTING IT ALL READY B4 I'VE EVEN GOT MA BAG!!
ITS GETTING TO THE STAGE NOW IF I DONT DO SOMFIN TO GET MASELF OFF IT IM GOING TO LOOSE MY DAUGHTER,IF THAT HAPPENS THEN THAT WILL BE END OF ME.SO DANNY IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE 4 ME I'D APPRECIATE IT,AND I HOPE YOU DO IT WEN YOUR PARENTS ARE AWAY
GREAT OPPERTUNITY HOUSE TO YOURSEL IT'S ALOT EASYR WEN THERE'S NO ONE HOVERING ABOUT YOU,DOIN U'R NUT IN WIF THERE APPINIONS THO [CARING] BUT IGNORANT TO THE SEVERITY OF IT......
I'LL PUT YOU ON MY PRAYER LIST AND HOPE YOU STICK TO IT.WEN YOU HEAR SOMONES SUCSESS STORY IT GIVES YOU HOPE IN YOURSEL,IF YOU CAN DO IT I CAN TOO????GOOOD LUCK. NAD
MY QUESTION IS IF ITS THAT GREAT AND YOU DONT HAVE TO GO FREW ALL THE SHAKE'S AND SWET'S THAT YOU USALLY DO,THEN WHY IS THERE THE NEED TO TAKE KIT??OR IS IT THE FIXATION OF GETTING YOUR WORKS READY?WIF ME I FINK I'VE GOT A FOIL FIXATION GETTING IT ALL READY B4 I'VE EVEN GOT MA BAG!!
ITS GETTING TO THE STAGE NOW IF I DONT DO SOMFIN TO GET MASELF OFF IT IM GOING TO LOOSE MY DAUGHTER,IF THAT HAPPENS THEN THAT WILL BE END OF ME.SO DANNY IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE 4 ME I'D APPRECIATE IT,AND I HOPE YOU DO IT WEN YOUR PARENTS ARE AWAY
GREAT OPPERTUNITY HOUSE TO YOURSEL IT'S ALOT EASYR WEN THERE'S NO ONE HOVERING ABOUT YOU,DOIN U'R NUT IN WIF THERE APPINIONS THO [CARING] BUT IGNORANT TO THE SEVERITY OF IT......
I'LL PUT YOU ON MY PRAYER LIST AND HOPE YOU STICK TO IT.WEN YOU HEAR SOMONES SUCSESS STORY IT GIVES YOU HOPE IN YOURSEL,IF YOU CAN DO IT I CAN TOO????GOOOD LUCK. NAD
I hope it goes well 4 u Danny. I n-joy the festies 2 and can sometimes afford 2 go but can't buy t-shirts n s*** like that.which when ur clean is possible.Never know i might meet u at one of them.I remember sometimes when i'd try to give up in ay " my week off work" i'd often say "oh , i've got another 6 days 2 stop so i'll start morrow instead". don't work like that. you've said morrow and i really hope u can get tham first few days bhind u.U know that everyone here is rooting 4 u. Will i b online whilst ur parents r gone ? bit of support might help. Wotever, good luck, herman.
I give thanks to all of you, finished off everything I had so I am just about to go to bed. Earlier I made a few calls telling people that I will be away for a week or so, luckily I'm not a worker so I don't have to worry about how long it will take for me to get myself stable, perhaps it is time I thought about getting a job? I've never really had one, even if I do get one it would have to be after the summer at the earliest - too many other things I need to be concentrating on, saving my life being one of them. Lets have it right I am actually trying to save my life, its mad that isn't it? - we knowingly on a daily basis put ourselves at a real risk of dying through our behaviour - od, and basically putting god only knows into our bodies. Anyway I can feel myself abiut to begin drivelling. Speak to you in the morning. Peace
Hi danny just want to take the time to wish you good look you know you can do it you have done it brfore you know where we are if you need us take care and stay strong sue
Hi Danny, You have my prayers and hope that you can make it! I'm pulling for ya!!
Diane
Diane
If u can drag urself 2 do even the most mundane , s***tiest paid jobs. it uses your time up , takes your mind off things , meet STRAIGHT people , makes u tired 4 the nightime , makes u feel worth more , the list goes on 4 good reasons gettin a job whilst tapering . If u decide not 2 get a job, well thats cool 2 aslong as i stay off the gear. just a suggestion. good luck again from the north east. land of the pink panther and the monkey-hangers.
Danny, you won't regret this.....you are saving your own life....you sound so sincere, and want this bad.
Drivel away........the tap, tap, tapping on the keyboard saved me a few times.
Best wishes, and as Darin/FATMS says "Give yourself a chance"....we'll hear from you soon.....you have our support.
Drivel away........the tap, tap, tapping on the keyboard saved me a few times.
Best wishes, and as Darin/FATMS says "Give yourself a chance"....we'll hear from you soon.....you have our support.
So proud of you, thats all it really takes is a decision.......I will keep u in my prayers, stay strong and remember that it will get better eventually....but if u falter u will only have to start all over again.thats part of what keeps me clean, not wanting to do it all over again, getting clean that is......this old body cant handle the trauma of that s*** anymore
Waking up sick...oh yea i remember........remember doing the wake-up one at like 5, then by 8-9.....throwing myself in my car just the same way i rolled out of bed and off for the search.that is if i had money......if not....then scheming how to get money.......being sick and desperate.hoping to find some ways and means to get some cash b4 i got to sick........then sitting shaking and barfing.......waiting and waiting........only to score and start all over again scheming and plotting how to score again b4 the last one wore off..an endless cylcle.........
remember attempting to go to the shore for a weekend, supplied wiht two bundles for two days, then ding them all and driving home 3 hours sick as a dog.......
remember trudging sick through a freakng blizzard....sick but with lots of money and searching for someone to lease have someting to sell me......try walking sick in 14 inches of snow, not an easy feat.....
oh that feeling of knowing the sickness is coming and being broke and helpless and just running out of ideas.
nope dont miss any of it one bit...
good luck and love to you.it does get easier and the freedom can be yours
Waking up sick...oh yea i remember........remember doing the wake-up one at like 5, then by 8-9.....throwing myself in my car just the same way i rolled out of bed and off for the search.that is if i had money......if not....then scheming how to get money.......being sick and desperate.hoping to find some ways and means to get some cash b4 i got to sick........then sitting shaking and barfing.......waiting and waiting........only to score and start all over again scheming and plotting how to score again b4 the last one wore off..an endless cylcle.........
remember attempting to go to the shore for a weekend, supplied wiht two bundles for two days, then ding them all and driving home 3 hours sick as a dog.......
remember trudging sick through a freakng blizzard....sick but with lots of money and searching for someone to lease have someting to sell me......try walking sick in 14 inches of snow, not an easy feat.....
oh that feeling of knowing the sickness is coming and being broke and helpless and just running out of ideas.
nope dont miss any of it one bit...
good luck and love to you.it does get easier and the freedom can be yours
Good morning ms ( brown-depending on mood ) tres. just got up ??
Good Morning Herman, yes just woke up I did......a gloomy day here in philly...and off to work again..FYI, mi hair is white blond today, that means a good day.until i get to that crazy job....last night one of my customers were giving head to their mate in the bathroom.....that place is a zoo at times..how r u doing herm? feeling ok r ya....r those meds u r on r they has hard to detox from as methadone?
ok off to run errands for the prince and princess AKA mi lovely children.AArgh!!
