Well guys, I thought I'd give the latest on my life. I was going to post this before, but Bunny's sad news so totally floored me that I didn't bother. The house is almost finished now. I've been glued to EBAY, buying the last little bits I needed. The carpet has been delivered, and the laminate flooring I'm putting down is all there, all gonna be fitted by next Tuesday. And my beautiful home is ready for residence.
And as for the relationship, it's never going to be a stable one. We had a big bust up earlier in the week. His drinking was causing me grief. He'd got into the habit of disappearing on various missions in the morning, then spending all afternoon drinking. This had been going on for a while. After he smacked me round the head the other week, I thought he might cool it a bit, but it was just getting worse. I flipped last Friday, so I told him he was having the baby for the night, and I was going out for a change. Which I did. Drank too much and was sick as a dog on Saturday. Nobody to blame but myself.
Then we went out together with on Saturday afternoon. I was on orange juice, coz I was driving. He hit the beer again. At about 4 I said I was going home. He said he'd be home in a bit. Came home several hours later, totally leathered. Did his usual. Scoffed his dinner, picked a fight and went to bed. And yet again, I was alone. That;s what was doing my head in. Every day, stuck home with the baby, and every night alone, with no-one to talk to, coz he was in such a state. Next day, he's got no recollection - he can't even remember getting home - he thinks he came home with me in the car, and thought I was being difficult when I told him he'd been out on his own again, and I didn't know how he got back. But that doesn't stop him from doing it again. So Sunday night, he comes home in a state again. I try really hard to be as accomodating as poss, coz I get really scared when we fight when he's been drinking, coz i think he's gonna batter me. But despite me being as non-confrontational as I can be, he starts on me. I figure i got nothing to loose and I blow my stack. I know it's pointless, arguing with a drunk, but I can't help it. So he buggers off to bed again.
I spend a long time thinking about the Serenity prayer. I'm not religious, but there's a lot of sense in that prayer. Be brave enough to change what you can. Have the grace to let go of what you can't. And be wise enough to know the difference. I can't change him - only he can do that. I can change my situation.
Next day, I stick to my guns, and read him the riot act. I never tell him what to do. He's a grown up, he can make his own decisions, it ain't my job to nursemaid him. But I tell him if he wants to go out drinking every day, that's his business, but there will be consequences, coz I ain't sticking around to be his victim, picking up the pieces and living my life in loneliness. So he gets all uppity and tells me to F off. I say fine, dig your own grave, carry on, but you have to live with the cost, and the cost of your behaviour is me and Rowanne. I hope you think it's a price worth paying.
He goes off to think about it for a bit. Eventually concedes that I'm right. And he's laid off the beer ever since. He went out Tuesday - had to pick up a Ferret coop from some guy in the pub. I think he may have had a pint, but wasn't drunk. And he's gone out today, supposedly to do something to this tipper truck he's bought. We'll see how things are when he comes home.
I am changing what I can. I'm sorting my new house out, and making a safe place. And I've told him that the ball is in his court. I've let him know the consequences if he doesn't get his act together. I think I'm making my way slowly through this minefield. My biggest fear is loneliness. I know that fear holds me back, puts me into victim mode, I can't get rid of the fear, but I can at least rationalise it. If I'm already on my own, with all the arguments, and the violence to boot, then I've got nothing to lose.
Anyway, that's how things stand in the life of Diff...
love to all
xxxxx
Good for you Diff, stick to your boundaries...
Loneliness scares the hell out of me too...but it doesn't sound as though you have that much company from him anyway...? I thought I was lonely being on my own every night after I've put the kids to bed...but these last ten days staying at my mum's and being unable to be alone has made me realise that I like my own company!
Hope it all works out for you...your place sounds lovely...your little girl is so lucky to have you on her side.
Maddy x
Loneliness scares the hell out of me too...but it doesn't sound as though you have that much company from him anyway...? I thought I was lonely being on my own every night after I've put the kids to bed...but these last ten days staying at my mum's and being unable to be alone has made me realise that I like my own company!
Hope it all works out for you...your place sounds lovely...your little girl is so lucky to have you on her side.
Maddy x
ok diff- in al honesty my thoughts as i read your posts about your relationship is man--she is too dang smart and awesome of a person to be with someone she has to tiptoe around! but then i say to myself--well you did the same thing! and i stillmiss him sometimes, but time does heal all wounds--sure ill pick at that scab once in awhile and make my self hurt and feel lonely, but being a single mother and head of household (which it sounds like you already are) keeps me so busy I dont havemuch time to miss him--and i know my time will come when its appropriate. It sounds like you already know what the outcome will be, and have made your plans accordingly-you are smart and strong--you know what your doing--stick to your ut and follow through--your daughter will be better for it! and congrats on the house--how fun that is!!!!
Maddy it's true, I kind of miss the days when I lived alone. Nobody telling me what to do. I could slob out all day in my pyjamas, leave the washing up in the sink till morning, and do what I liked with no-one on my case.
And Amity, I was up at my house tonight, getting all my pictures out of boxes and hanging them on the wall. Made it feel like mine, and I got a buzz out of that. Really put a smile on my face!
I'll get there in the end.
love
Diff xxx
And Amity, I was up at my house tonight, getting all my pictures out of boxes and hanging them on the wall. Made it feel like mine, and I got a buzz out of that. Really put a smile on my face!
I'll get there in the end.
love
Diff xxx
Dear Diff,
I bet you thought I was gone, but I have been around reading and keeping up....just thought I'd let it be and let you find your own way - cause I know you will. I know you must realize this but it seems like you have done a complete 180 and are now sitting on the other side of the fence and if you stick around its to see someone spiral out of control and take over your life, the one you have worked like few to conquer. Not to mention your beautiful daught's life.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking your time, with planning your getaway - but you need to getaway cause take out the alcohol and the phisical abuse and you still got a s***ty relationship - one that will never work itself out.
I continue to be awstruck by your intellengince and your strength and I wish you nothing but the very best on this, your new journey. Keep moving forward cause things will only get better. You may be alone for a whilebut it wont be forever cause someone worthy of you is bound to snatch you up and make you their very own live in queen!
Yours faithfully
YBF
I bet you thought I was gone, but I have been around reading and keeping up....just thought I'd let it be and let you find your own way - cause I know you will. I know you must realize this but it seems like you have done a complete 180 and are now sitting on the other side of the fence and if you stick around its to see someone spiral out of control and take over your life, the one you have worked like few to conquer. Not to mention your beautiful daught's life.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking your time, with planning your getaway - but you need to getaway cause take out the alcohol and the phisical abuse and you still got a s***ty relationship - one that will never work itself out.
I continue to be awstruck by your intellengince and your strength and I wish you nothing but the very best on this, your new journey. Keep moving forward cause things will only get better. You may be alone for a whilebut it wont be forever cause someone worthy of you is bound to snatch you up and make you their very own live in queen!
Yours faithfully
YBF
Dear Diff,
I'm glad you're trying to provide a peaceful and loving home for you and Rowanne. Maddy is right...you've pretty much been alone in this relationship for quite a while. You don't have much to lose except stress and abuse.
I was a little scared when I started reading that you made him keep the baby for you to go out, but I'm glad nothing happened to her. You never know what could happen if a baby would start crying non-stop as they sometimes do when mommy is away.
Sounds like you're moving in the right direction.
Love,
Susan
I'm glad you're trying to provide a peaceful and loving home for you and Rowanne. Maddy is right...you've pretty much been alone in this relationship for quite a while. You don't have much to lose except stress and abuse.
I was a little scared when I started reading that you made him keep the baby for you to go out, but I'm glad nothing happened to her. You never know what could happen if a baby would start crying non-stop as they sometimes do when mommy is away.
Sounds like you're moving in the right direction.
Love,
Susan
Aw, Diff...you are so much more deserving...I wish you'd see that. I hope that you will take this in the spirit in which I intend it, so here goes...
When I read your posts I hear an incredibly intelligent, perceptive, warm, and funny woman. Someone who has a great deal of self-awareness and insight, and who knows how to get something said in just the right way - articulate and witty.
And then you talk about your relationship and it all changes - suddenly you are not that Diff anymore, you are this other woman who takes what she hasn't earned and lets this man dole it out at will. You sound so uncertain and somehow diminished by this relationship. Our significant others are supposed to uplift us, not drag us down.
I know you know all this, but I had to say it anyway. Hoping you find what you want, and get what you deserve...
Clarity and Peace~MomNMore
When I read your posts I hear an incredibly intelligent, perceptive, warm, and funny woman. Someone who has a great deal of self-awareness and insight, and who knows how to get something said in just the right way - articulate and witty.
And then you talk about your relationship and it all changes - suddenly you are not that Diff anymore, you are this other woman who takes what she hasn't earned and lets this man dole it out at will. You sound so uncertain and somehow diminished by this relationship. Our significant others are supposed to uplift us, not drag us down.
I know you know all this, but I had to say it anyway. Hoping you find what you want, and get what you deserve...
Clarity and Peace~MomNMore
"I was a little scared when I started reading that you made him keep the baby for you to go out, but I'm glad nothing happened to her. "
My sentiments exactly,Susan...
Diff,
Why oh why would you leave a defenseless baby with an abusive psychotic drunk....only to go out and tie one on yourself? Hey if you want to continue to play the 'victim' there is no need however to victimize an infant and put her in harm's way just so you can go out and cry in your beer about the destructive relationship that you choose to remain in knowing full well that dude hasn't and most likely ain't gonna change.....i know cause i have walked in your shoes and have been slapped pinched choked punched etc.
sorry but i apt to be less sympathetic to your plight when a
child...no an infant is involved
luv MARY
My sentiments exactly,Susan...
Diff,
Why oh why would you leave a defenseless baby with an abusive psychotic drunk....only to go out and tie one on yourself? Hey if you want to continue to play the 'victim' there is no need however to victimize an infant and put her in harm's way just so you can go out and cry in your beer about the destructive relationship that you choose to remain in knowing full well that dude hasn't and most likely ain't gonna change.....i know cause i have walked in your shoes and have been slapped pinched choked punched etc.
sorry but i apt to be less sympathetic to your plight when a
child...no an infant is involved
luv MARY
I do understand your concerns, but he absolutely adores that little girl. He is quite well aware that you don't drink when you're in charge of a child. I know you are gonna think I am making excuses for both of us, but he isn't an alcoholic, it's just that when he does drink he looses the plot. I would never leave her with him if I thought she was at any risk.
She does spend a lot of time with him, and her little face lights up when she sees him. Nearly every morning he comes to get her when she wakes so I can get a bit of undisturbed sleep. I know in my heart he'd never hurt her or neglect her. His relationship with me is very different to the way he is with her. He is just one of those people who will hang themselves if you give him enough rope. I don't tell him how to live his life, and he would rather I set boundaries in terms of his choices. But I'm not his mother. If there is one thing that would force him to act more responsibly, then it would be because he is looking after her.
I came home from shopping once, and she was sleeping in her cot. He was watching her with tears rolling down his face. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me she had been crying in her sleep, and he couldn't bear to see her in distress. She loves him, and he loves her, and I know she's happy in his company.
I know you're gonna say I'm buryinh my head in the sand, but his first instinct is to protect her.
love
diff x
She does spend a lot of time with him, and her little face lights up when she sees him. Nearly every morning he comes to get her when she wakes so I can get a bit of undisturbed sleep. I know in my heart he'd never hurt her or neglect her. His relationship with me is very different to the way he is with her. He is just one of those people who will hang themselves if you give him enough rope. I don't tell him how to live his life, and he would rather I set boundaries in terms of his choices. But I'm not his mother. If there is one thing that would force him to act more responsibly, then it would be because he is looking after her.
I came home from shopping once, and she was sleeping in her cot. He was watching her with tears rolling down his face. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me she had been crying in her sleep, and he couldn't bear to see her in distress. She loves him, and he loves her, and I know she's happy in his company.
I know you're gonna say I'm buryinh my head in the sand, but his first instinct is to protect her.
love
diff x
Oh Diff you so deserve better, and I know you know that
And in many ways she deserves to know her dad, and him her...but not at your expense, never at your expensive
The reality of this is if you stay as she gets older and if he doesnt change and treat you how you should be treated she will think this is normal.that mommy getting hit is okand she will go out and pick a man that treats her as you are treatedshe will pick someone just like her daddy. Wont even get into the confusion that will be created in her head and in the end she might end up hating both him for treating you how he did and you for taking it
He may never hit her, never hurt her but with the control freak he has in him I dont think has the capacity to raise her, to love her without bringing that into their relationship as she ages somehow
Keep close watch always, as the physical is more obvious then the words which are more subtle and to calculating at times
Take good care of you and of that precious angel.
Love,
Tina
And in many ways she deserves to know her dad, and him her...but not at your expense, never at your expensive
The reality of this is if you stay as she gets older and if he doesnt change and treat you how you should be treated she will think this is normal.that mommy getting hit is okand she will go out and pick a man that treats her as you are treatedshe will pick someone just like her daddy. Wont even get into the confusion that will be created in her head and in the end she might end up hating both him for treating you how he did and you for taking it
He may never hit her, never hurt her but with the control freak he has in him I dont think has the capacity to raise her, to love her without bringing that into their relationship as she ages somehow
Keep close watch always, as the physical is more obvious then the words which are more subtle and to calculating at times
Take good care of you and of that precious angel.
Love,
Tina
miss mary,
I realize you are owried and i think it's very important to be honest and call people out on their "issues" as we see them, BUT-please please be carefull how you say things as to not scare anyone from sharing their true lifes and seeking advice, if i know Diff then it won't bother her--she knows how awesome of a mom she is, and i also tensed up a bit when I read that but then i was like--this is Diff ansd I know she would never put that baby in harms way and im sure she made the best choice at that moment for her life. And we all have to remember when stressed we don;t all make the best decisions. So anyway--lets all please be carefull at how we criticize and make sure its uplifting and not downing to the spirit!! Thanks--Amity
I realize you are owried and i think it's very important to be honest and call people out on their "issues" as we see them, BUT-please please be carefull how you say things as to not scare anyone from sharing their true lifes and seeking advice, if i know Diff then it won't bother her--she knows how awesome of a mom she is, and i also tensed up a bit when I read that but then i was like--this is Diff ansd I know she would never put that baby in harms way and im sure she made the best choice at that moment for her life. And we all have to remember when stressed we don;t all make the best decisions. So anyway--lets all please be carefull at how we criticize and make sure its uplifting and not downing to the spirit!! Thanks--Amity
Hey Amity, don't sweat it, I can roll with the punches. I accept that it's easy to be judgemental about somebody when you can't see past your own perspective. I know I'm a good mam, and I am quite happy about my actions, regarding leaving my daughter with her dad for an evening. I know she was never in any danger or risk, and she was quite safe, secure and content. And as for going out and getting drunk, I couldn't give a flying F what anybody else thinks. Hell, I don't do drugs, I hardly ever drink a drop, so if once in blue moon I want to go out and get ratarsed, I will, and I make no apologies. After all, I'm not an alcoholic, am I?
And as for crying in my beer, not a chance in hell, I was up shimmying my booty and having all kinds of fun. Always been a party girl at heart, and that ain't gonna change.
Unless you are someone who's at home with small children most of the time, with very little support from anybody, it's hard to grasp that unless you get to have some time out, have a break, let your hair down, have some fun, then you end up going completely bonkers. When you're at breaking point, either you crack up, or you release the pressure valve. So that's what I did, and if somebody has got a problem with that, well, so what, I don't care. Water off a ducks back...
love ya
Diff x
And as for crying in my beer, not a chance in hell, I was up shimmying my booty and having all kinds of fun. Always been a party girl at heart, and that ain't gonna change.
Unless you are someone who's at home with small children most of the time, with very little support from anybody, it's hard to grasp that unless you get to have some time out, have a break, let your hair down, have some fun, then you end up going completely bonkers. When you're at breaking point, either you crack up, or you release the pressure valve. So that's what I did, and if somebody has got a problem with that, well, so what, I don't care. Water off a ducks back...
love ya
Diff x
Dear Diff,
I didn't mean to imply that you were being a negligent mom because I know that baby means the world to you and you would lay down your own life to save her if necessary, but how many times have you read in the paper or heard on the news about a man/woman going beserk and killing the baby/child he/she was caring for....without any prior record of abuse of any kind. Your guy is KNOWN to be abusive....he IS capable of hurting that child....and then I'm sure he would sit and cry about it. He is unstable. Please, please be careful.
MomNMore spoke what was in my heart but I didn't know how to put into words.
Love,
Susan
I didn't mean to imply that you were being a negligent mom because I know that baby means the world to you and you would lay down your own life to save her if necessary, but how many times have you read in the paper or heard on the news about a man/woman going beserk and killing the baby/child he/she was caring for....without any prior record of abuse of any kind. Your guy is KNOWN to be abusive....he IS capable of hurting that child....and then I'm sure he would sit and cry about it. He is unstable. Please, please be careful.
MomNMore spoke what was in my heart but I didn't know how to put into words.
Love,
Susan
Diff,
you and i have been wearing down our heels on this message board for a couple of years now and have come to know the various writing styles of many a poster..particularly the way they come across in the advice giving department..
there are times when they shoulda zanged instead of zinged or vice versa but the love and concern between the lines should still be apparent...
sorry if i came across a bit too harshly.....man my butt still sports some of them scars from that tough love advice zinged my way from time to time on these message boards....the type of advice that made the most of lasting impressions
even if you bury ya head in the sand...you know your butt
is still pointing way up there just waiting for someone to
give it a kick back into reality eventually..
still one of ya biggest fans
love MARY:)
you and i have been wearing down our heels on this message board for a couple of years now and have come to know the various writing styles of many a poster..particularly the way they come across in the advice giving department..
there are times when they shoulda zanged instead of zinged or vice versa but the love and concern between the lines should still be apparent...
sorry if i came across a bit too harshly.....man my butt still sports some of them scars from that tough love advice zinged my way from time to time on these message boards....the type of advice that made the most of lasting impressions
even if you bury ya head in the sand...you know your butt
is still pointing way up there just waiting for someone to
give it a kick back into reality eventually..
still one of ya biggest fans
love MARY:)
Diff
My ex-wife was & still is a alcoholic. I lived with & put up with all kinds of crazy behavior. It not just women that get abused like yourself.
I remember having a plate of macaroni smashed over my head, & once she stabbed me with a steak knife.( That one brought the cops to the house & me to the hospital)
The marriage ended when she was drinking, ran out of booze, & left my son (who was 3 at the time) sleeping alone in his bedroom-& went to the store to buy more. Well whatever she had cooking on the stove caught the kitchen on fire, and in no time the house was burning . A neighbor saw the smoke ,called the fire dept. -they saved my son, but the house burned to the ground.( we were renting)-After my son was released -smoke inhalation-I got divorced & custody.
I still have the newspaper (we made the front page)
(I posted this whole story a long time ago)
I guess my point is - please be careful . A person who is boozed up- male or female , can be very fu**king dangerous. Your a toughie, but sometimes things go so wrong so fast- & the result can be tragic.
Be careful out there-
muchlove
jack
My ex-wife was & still is a alcoholic. I lived with & put up with all kinds of crazy behavior. It not just women that get abused like yourself.
I remember having a plate of macaroni smashed over my head, & once she stabbed me with a steak knife.( That one brought the cops to the house & me to the hospital)
The marriage ended when she was drinking, ran out of booze, & left my son (who was 3 at the time) sleeping alone in his bedroom-& went to the store to buy more. Well whatever she had cooking on the stove caught the kitchen on fire, and in no time the house was burning . A neighbor saw the smoke ,called the fire dept. -they saved my son, but the house burned to the ground.( we were renting)-After my son was released -smoke inhalation-I got divorced & custody.
I still have the newspaper (we made the front page)
(I posted this whole story a long time ago)
I guess my point is - please be careful . A person who is boozed up- male or female , can be very fu**king dangerous. Your a toughie, but sometimes things go so wrong so fast- & the result can be tragic.
Be careful out there-
muchlove
jack
Maybe I gave the wrong impression. There's no way on Gods earth that I would put a drunk person in charge of my child. And that includes myself. Yes, my boyfriend does drink, but he's not drunk all the time, and he doesn't drink when he's looking after the baby. The thing that caused me so much stress is he knows full well that I am almost always completely sober, and he takes advantage of that, because I am always the sober responsible one, who makes sure all the doors are locked, and everything is turned off, who gets out of bed countless times a night to see to the baby, who's always the designated driver. And sometimes it would be nice if I had a night off from being Captain Sensible. But my desire to take time out does not come at the expense of my daughter, who's safety and happiness is paramount.
Anyway, I'm feeling happier every day, now that my house is looking so good. The carpet fitter rang me to say that he has to go to a funeral on Tuesday afternoon, so the carpets won't be down till Weds. But that is the last thing that needs doing, apart from a few finishing touches. My pics are up on the wall. God it was so nice to get them out of their boxes and put them in place. I lit the fire today, and just sat on the floor with the baby watching TV, and the place felt so nice.
One weird thing happened. I was giving Rowanne her dinner, and she's sitting there in her walker, quite happy, and she starts looking around. I think - what's she looking at? She's craning her head, and looks like she's staring into space, but she's smiling, she looks like she's looking at somebody, but there's no-one there. Then she reaches up with her little hands, and she's grabbing at thin air. Just then, my friend walks in the room, and says "Christ it's suddenly gone cold in here, I've got goosebumps and all my hairs are standing up!" The heating is on, and the fire is burning. And I hear some very strange noises. Loud bangs and clonks from upstairs. I think the old man who died there might still be in residence. I don't mind, I know he was a nice old fella - I had a letter returned to sender, and I opened it coz there was no name. It was a 50 postal order for some kids charity in Africa. I passed it on to his daughter. I don't think he'd mind us living in his house at all - probably happy to see it looking so smart, and to hear the sound of laughter. But my friend Tommy said he'd come round and bless the place for me. He's Irish, which is the nearest thing to a priest if you ask me. And just to be safe, I've got a genuine witches broom, so I'll give the place a good sweep, just to cast out any unhappy souls.
Anyway, I'm a happy little bunny tonight. The world feels right with me.
love
Diff xxx
Anyway, I'm feeling happier every day, now that my house is looking so good. The carpet fitter rang me to say that he has to go to a funeral on Tuesday afternoon, so the carpets won't be down till Weds. But that is the last thing that needs doing, apart from a few finishing touches. My pics are up on the wall. God it was so nice to get them out of their boxes and put them in place. I lit the fire today, and just sat on the floor with the baby watching TV, and the place felt so nice.
One weird thing happened. I was giving Rowanne her dinner, and she's sitting there in her walker, quite happy, and she starts looking around. I think - what's she looking at? She's craning her head, and looks like she's staring into space, but she's smiling, she looks like she's looking at somebody, but there's no-one there. Then she reaches up with her little hands, and she's grabbing at thin air. Just then, my friend walks in the room, and says "Christ it's suddenly gone cold in here, I've got goosebumps and all my hairs are standing up!" The heating is on, and the fire is burning. And I hear some very strange noises. Loud bangs and clonks from upstairs. I think the old man who died there might still be in residence. I don't mind, I know he was a nice old fella - I had a letter returned to sender, and I opened it coz there was no name. It was a 50 postal order for some kids charity in Africa. I passed it on to his daughter. I don't think he'd mind us living in his house at all - probably happy to see it looking so smart, and to hear the sound of laughter. But my friend Tommy said he'd come round and bless the place for me. He's Irish, which is the nearest thing to a priest if you ask me. And just to be safe, I've got a genuine witches broom, so I'll give the place a good sweep, just to cast out any unhappy souls.
Anyway, I'm a happy little bunny tonight. The world feels right with me.
love
Diff xxx
