hey everyone,
Well, I'm at the end of my sub. I dropped to 1/4mg a few days ago and I am literally dissolving dust under my tongue, and I thought whats the point, I should just jump off now.
Then I read the board today and I had to check my addict mind, I know, once again, to do what I'm told, not what I want. There is a reason my doctor wants me to dissolve dust, and its better than my reason of whats the point. So. I say good morning dust. Everything comes in time.
I am so used to doing things my way, or I should say I WAS used to it, but my way always led me to relapse. Not this time my friends, not this time.
just wanted to share.
Redd
Redd..you are a miracle. What you're doing is HUGE and you have come so very far. I love stories like yours...you are going to beat this.
How are the meetings going? Have you got a sponser yet?
I'm so proud of you. You just get it.
Love
Cowgirl
How are the meetings going? Have you got a sponser yet?
I'm so proud of you. You just get it.
Love
Cowgirl
Redd:
Thank you for sharing. My way never worked...It's a miracle that I am even "willing" to listen to other people today. I'm glad you are willing, also.
Rachel
Thank you for sharing. My way never worked...It's a miracle that I am even "willing" to listen to other people today. I'm glad you are willing, also.
Rachel
each willing effort is sufficient to move the soul, redd.
i stand back in awe of your willingness.
and a side note...great things have come from dust. God created adam, the first man, from the ground of dust. that's a miracle, i believe and you are too!
namaste'
sammy
i stand back in awe of your willingness.
and a side note...great things have come from dust. God created adam, the first man, from the ground of dust. that's a miracle, i believe and you are too!
namaste'
sammy
hey Cowgirl and Rachel,
thanks for your support, I'm trying. Every day. Yeah Cowgirl, I think I do get it this time.....I'm a slow learner.
I don't have a sponsor yet, but I continue to go to meetings to listen, I'm not "there" yet to talk. I do however have a support group that I found which is going well. There is this one woman there that has 20 months, and her and I connect, I am learning alot from her. Between her, this board and my counselor, its slowly starting to seep in. Imagine that.
One day at a time......that sounds so, I don't know, ....so AA......but its working for me, so today is another one down.
Redd
thanks for your support, I'm trying. Every day. Yeah Cowgirl, I think I do get it this time.....I'm a slow learner.
I don't have a sponsor yet, but I continue to go to meetings to listen, I'm not "there" yet to talk. I do however have a support group that I found which is going well. There is this one woman there that has 20 months, and her and I connect, I am learning alot from her. Between her, this board and my counselor, its slowly starting to seep in. Imagine that.
One day at a time......that sounds so, I don't know, ....so AA......but its working for me, so today is another one down.
Redd
Redd,
I probably needed to read this post today....
I've started tapering off the sub (without my doctor's help). In less than 2 weeks, I've gone from 8mg to 4mg, with absolutely no side effects as of yet.
My husband gets angry because I'm not following doctor's orders..... I'm once again doing things "my way"..... but I'm trying to quit working my night job (very bad for sobriety) and I'll never be able to do that if I'm paying $400 a month for the sub ($200 for the dr's visit and $150-$200 for the pills). I can cut my prescription costs in half if I only take 1/2 of the 8mg pill.
But, you're right.... my way hasn't worked before, so I need to be careful about thinking it will work now.
Danielle
I probably needed to read this post today....
I've started tapering off the sub (without my doctor's help). In less than 2 weeks, I've gone from 8mg to 4mg, with absolutely no side effects as of yet.
My husband gets angry because I'm not following doctor's orders..... I'm once again doing things "my way"..... but I'm trying to quit working my night job (very bad for sobriety) and I'll never be able to do that if I'm paying $400 a month for the sub ($200 for the dr's visit and $150-$200 for the pills). I can cut my prescription costs in half if I only take 1/2 of the 8mg pill.
But, you're right.... my way hasn't worked before, so I need to be careful about thinking it will work now.
Danielle
you have such a way with words Sammy, thank you, that meant alot to me.
Redd
Redd
Danielle,
its funny you should mention that, I read your post about getting off sub for money reasons, I'm glad you reconsidered.
I wish our way worked, its so hard to let go of it, so I understand where you are coming from. I think you get it too, as Cowgirl put it.
Let me know how you do.
Redd
its funny you should mention that, I read your post about getting off sub for money reasons, I'm glad you reconsidered.
I wish our way worked, its so hard to let go of it, so I understand where you are coming from. I think you get it too, as Cowgirl put it.
Let me know how you do.
Redd
Redd... I am so proud of you! : )
I (we) need to constantly be reminded to follow, not lead.
I have to admit, at this point, I am having some very stinking thinking. Is that a 4 month clean trait? Everything I do and come across is a trigger. My mind is on pills 1/2 of every day. But I don't act on it, I just make myself put it off until tomorrow. And I truly do not think I am going to act on it then,but it sure is making my brain tired......all this c*** going round and round in my head will wear me down eventually, don't you think? What should I do?,,,,,,,anybody know what I mean?
Amy,
Just wanted to jump in and say how proud I am of you. You've come along way.
I am happy everything is working out for you. Have a nice evening! Rae
Just wanted to jump in and say how proud I am of you. You've come along way.
I am happy everything is working out for you. Have a nice evening! Rae
I know exactly what you mean... it's the committee in your brain and they think they know what's best... it's not a 4 month thing, I think it's a recovery thing. At 11 months, I'm still doing it. Hang in there kiddo.
xxx
Cowgirl
xxx
Cowgirl
Carol,
I feel ya girl. When I quit for 9 months last year when I was pregnant I thought about using all the time. I would tell myself after I make the bed I will take a half, after I shower I can have one bla bla bla. Then make it to the next day telling myself all this crap.Playing mind games isn't fun. I still do it but less and less as time goes on. Sometimes I just can't wait to fall asleep cause then I don't have to worry about it, ya know. Hang in there Carol, I have no great advice as I play mind games with myself all the time! It can seriously wear you down. Rae
I feel ya girl. When I quit for 9 months last year when I was pregnant I thought about using all the time. I would tell myself after I make the bed I will take a half, after I shower I can have one bla bla bla. Then make it to the next day telling myself all this crap.Playing mind games isn't fun. I still do it but less and less as time goes on. Sometimes I just can't wait to fall asleep cause then I don't have to worry about it, ya know. Hang in there Carol, I have no great advice as I play mind games with myself all the time! It can seriously wear you down. Rae
Carol,
I've never had 4 months clean, I only have 10 weeks, so I'm not sure on how to answer that. Its easy for us to say, Oh, it will pass, but in the mean time, whats a person to do?
Have you tried meetings Carol? I'll be honest, I wasn't too crazy about them when I started going. My first one, I got hit on and it seemed like it was very easy to find drugs, but I guess that is people taking advantage of the weak. I tried again and still, well lets just say, same thing. This is a touchy subject because I don't want to keep anyone from trying meetings. I kept going to different ones, and I found an afternoon slot that had more people like me. I have not spoken yet, but I listen and its helping. If it were not for this board, I never would have gone. I also have a support group that was offered through my doctor.
Hopefully someone here can help you more than me. I'm probably to new at being clean.
Redd
I've never had 4 months clean, I only have 10 weeks, so I'm not sure on how to answer that. Its easy for us to say, Oh, it will pass, but in the mean time, whats a person to do?
Have you tried meetings Carol? I'll be honest, I wasn't too crazy about them when I started going. My first one, I got hit on and it seemed like it was very easy to find drugs, but I guess that is people taking advantage of the weak. I tried again and still, well lets just say, same thing. This is a touchy subject because I don't want to keep anyone from trying meetings. I kept going to different ones, and I found an afternoon slot that had more people like me. I have not spoken yet, but I listen and its helping. If it were not for this board, I never would have gone. I also have a support group that was offered through my doctor.
Hopefully someone here can help you more than me. I'm probably to new at being clean.
Redd
Carol:
It is stinking thinking. Follow the reality of using all the way through. Not the euphoria you felt 20 years ago when you used drugs but the last time you used. Remember the demoralization that you felt that led you to get clean. My head told me it would be nice to throw down a few Vic's just today. That's where my head goes when I am irritable, angry, lonely or discontent. Talking about it diffuses it. You are doing the right thing, you are telling on your disease. You are such a wonderful example of recovery on this board, my friend.
Rachel
It is stinking thinking. Follow the reality of using all the way through. Not the euphoria you felt 20 years ago when you used drugs but the last time you used. Remember the demoralization that you felt that led you to get clean. My head told me it would be nice to throw down a few Vic's just today. That's where my head goes when I am irritable, angry, lonely or discontent. Talking about it diffuses it. You are doing the right thing, you are telling on your disease. You are such a wonderful example of recovery on this board, my friend.
Rachel
Redd...I am so happy to see you so strong and in control. You have made amazing progress and were a very important part of my recovery. I won't forget that and think you are awesome!
thanks everyone.......at least I know we all go through that....still obsessing about what if?
I am irratable and short tempered these days. Maybe that's why they've been coming on so strong. The thoughts are of just being in an easier place where things don't irratate me so badly. I know how wrong that is.....I know I don't want to go back to that place. Or at least most of me isn't going back, but there is still a part of me always ready for the trip. Not today.
Rachel I couldnt have said it any better:
It is stinking thinking. Follow the reality of using all the way through. Not the euphoria you felt 20 years ago when you used drugs but the last time you used. Remember the demoralization that you felt that led you to get clean
This is exactly what I do when those thought pop into my head
JD
It is stinking thinking. Follow the reality of using all the way through. Not the euphoria you felt 20 years ago when you used drugs but the last time you used. Remember the demoralization that you felt that led you to get clean
This is exactly what I do when those thought pop into my head
JD
See Carol, theres that one day at time saying again. Rus told me once, all we have is today......those words are so true, with everything in our lives. Today you won't take that trip.
Redd
Redd
Hey Redd, Keep missing you.. I know your going to do fine off sub. Keep going to those meetings and support group if you can. I know when I first got clean before this relapse, my meetings and working the steps and talking with my sponser, and praying is what got me four years clean.. When, I let up. Well, you know the rest....You'll get use to the meetings, and when I was going to them each day, it was like fresh oxygen for the day. My goal was to just get through the day 24 hours, without using... just as it is now...It works if you work it... I have to always remember that..Those meetings are for you, you will eventually feel like sharing, and when you do, you'll get more comfortable..
I don't think I would be clean today, if it was not for you being here. So, Yes, I believe also, everything happens for a reason..
You heard the saying, We are at the right place, with the right people, at the right time , for the right reason...
Take Care
T-
