Peeps....talk to me out there if you got a minute...feels like im fighting myself harder and harder lately and its doing me no good...im craving...i know ...omega 5 and all the other things....but please someone just tell me why i need to be clean and sober again...please...i need to hear it...help me fight...please
Con
So your great hair looks pretty on your great pretty self.
O.K. seriously now.................so you can live like a "Normal" functioning human being.................so you feel confident your wife isn't worried sick about you...............so you can mosey into your new job and not be worrying if you can cop later or not.....................so you can finally understand that you're Con and not Con H addict...............or the better name and title "JUNKIE CHICK"
So you can wear pumps................I mean right there makes it all worthwhile my dear Con!
Con, it's all brand spanking new................it's habit.............it's solace..........it's your bestfriend always was there to hug ya..............it's freakin life force actually.................and we have to redo..........do-over...........start it all again..................like we're them infants our M'ams brang home and nurtured........we use for so long and then I so know it's so rough to learn all over again......how to do the laundry..................how to socialize..........how to go food shopping.................how to love............how to laugh..........and how NOT to blow the heck up on somebody or anybody because "WAH WAH I WANT MY DOPE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I did that any way.
Con, you've been progressing so well.................and you're doing it properly and therefore this is how it rolls..................remembering all the good about our love...............how it made us feel...................how it got us through.........we forget all the negatives and the waves wash over memory all golden and light, and we forget how everybody else sat on the shore after that wave hit them........sitting there worrying we'd drown..................while our selfish selves floated and smiled...................oh I digress it's early morning beach time.
Because you are BIGGER AND BETTER THAN THAT JUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There!
Think of it like a fight, Con...............that may help...............I did that and won...................ain't no litle bitty bag gonna take my bad azzz down...........ain't no freakin man gonna take my money which should have bought the kid a toy and spend it on his..........................ain't nobody, nowehre or no place and no thing gonna beat me TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just today, Con......................ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ain't going there today........................nope.
Oh and Omega 3.................LOL...............I'dve told me to shut the F up da*mn it all and don't dare mention no fish oil or somebody be wearing fish oil........LOL, Con hang in babes...............this happens............and it gets frustrating and then POOF somewhere and someplace it'll fade for a bit......and it comes back mind ya...............but ya fight it and POOF.........fades out............before ya know it it's all good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simple reason is because you are so not going out like that because you are LOVED and you need to LOVE YOUR D*MN SELF and you deserve better than to live your life all hanging onto a notion of a bag.
Sending hugs and seaweed...............I got carried away with the ocean analogy.
O.K. seriously now.................so you can live like a "Normal" functioning human being.................so you feel confident your wife isn't worried sick about you...............so you can mosey into your new job and not be worrying if you can cop later or not.....................so you can finally understand that you're Con and not Con H addict...............or the better name and title "JUNKIE CHICK"
So you can wear pumps................I mean right there makes it all worthwhile my dear Con!
Con, it's all brand spanking new................it's habit.............it's solace..........it's your bestfriend always was there to hug ya..............it's freakin life force actually.................and we have to redo..........do-over...........start it all again..................like we're them infants our M'ams brang home and nurtured........we use for so long and then I so know it's so rough to learn all over again......how to do the laundry..................how to socialize..........how to go food shopping.................how to love............how to laugh..........and how NOT to blow the heck up on somebody or anybody because "WAH WAH I WANT MY DOPE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I did that any way.
Con, you've been progressing so well.................and you're doing it properly and therefore this is how it rolls..................remembering all the good about our love...............how it made us feel...................how it got us through.........we forget all the negatives and the waves wash over memory all golden and light, and we forget how everybody else sat on the shore after that wave hit them........sitting there worrying we'd drown..................while our selfish selves floated and smiled...................oh I digress it's early morning beach time.
Because you are BIGGER AND BETTER THAN THAT JUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There!
Think of it like a fight, Con...............that may help...............I did that and won...................ain't no litle bitty bag gonna take my bad azzz down...........ain't no freakin man gonna take my money which should have bought the kid a toy and spend it on his..........................ain't nobody, nowehre or no place and no thing gonna beat me TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just today, Con......................ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ain't going there today........................nope.
Oh and Omega 3.................LOL...............I'dve told me to shut the F up da*mn it all and don't dare mention no fish oil or somebody be wearing fish oil........LOL, Con hang in babes...............this happens............and it gets frustrating and then POOF somewhere and someplace it'll fade for a bit......and it comes back mind ya...............but ya fight it and POOF.........fades out............before ya know it it's all good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simple reason is because you are so not going out like that because you are LOVED and you need to LOVE YOUR D*MN SELF and you deserve better than to live your life all hanging onto a notion of a bag.
Sending hugs and seaweed...............I got carried away with the ocean analogy.
Bryn...damn...you made me cry...pumps and all sitting here today....damn...lol...but oh s*** its hit hard ...thats for sure...really hard....and ok....thanks...i really need to hear that....i really need to hear the reasons..i really need to know ....i dont have a sponsor or a group or anything.....im trying to find one...one that speaks damn english would be helpful...but its not working out so far...i can see the signs in me...the pumps ...dont laugh...its so important...cuz i dont want to wear them anymore...choosing the fatigues and s***kickers....no not at work...but i struggled today...i didnt want to get dressed up...its everything...your right...i know it...its like starting all over again...i just need to hear it...and theres no one...i mean no one to talk to and say hey...im not doing to good here...i mean if i said that to my wife i KNOW she would freak out...she just wants it to be over...like...its all over and im better and we should go on kind of thing...so i cant really bring it up....and...ya..thanks...this is so hard...i mean really...i never thought it'd be this damn hard...
concon-I have so much running through my head I dont know what to wrtie, Bryn said it all pretty much, she da bomb HUH? Really though it will go away, those little bursts of pure hellish desire are shorter than they feel, scream, run, chew gum,spin in your work chair pumps and all, make a change somehow physically mentally emotionally, adn that little relapse demon will begin to subside, you will get the hang of it, its kinda like when they train pilots in that spinny thing, the first few times thaey pass out straight off head lolling because they arent used to it mentally or physically--they fail, then they get to the point where they really want to fail-to let it take over, but they hang on grittin theirteeth the whole time, then before they know it they are taking it in stride, laughing and joking and ready to blast off into outer space--you are at the part where every ounce of you is screaming for a fix (but only for a few minutes) but you have the ability to shake it off--look what you did--you came here, you thought about getting a sponsor (great idea) you didnt use--you reached out--awesome skills girlie, so believe it or not you are doing it--take it in stride!! and try to explain to your s.o. whats up without scaring her, but she needs to learn about your addiction and that it will never be OVER but it will get less and less untill it will seem over to her (not u) anyway im babblin, let us know hows it going--all my love to ya girlie
your friend
Amity
your friend
Amity
ok....just got off the phone...ive been calling all over looking for an english speaking group out here...all i could come up with is an AA group in my area....so i emailed them and asked if they would accept a drug user in recovery....hopefully they will say yes....does anyone know if it would make a huge difference if its AA instead of say NA or something else ?
and Thanks Amity....Im spinning in my chair !!!! :)
and Thanks Amity....Im spinning in my chair !!!! :)
Con, you hang in there & read the post I wrote back to you on MomNMore's post. You really helped me. we need you like we need Darin on here. Don't leave us. You hang tight. You're doing great. Don't do it. You'll have to start all over. It's not worth it. DON'T DO IT.
Con...fighting the good fight...feeling wrong somehow...one minute at a time. Make those calls, do whatever, just keep pulling for yourself...all those reasons Bryn gave you, every one of them valid and true.
You matter, it's really that simple...thanks always for sharing so much of yourself.
Beat this~MomNMore
You matter, it's really that simple...thanks always for sharing so much of yourself.
Beat this~MomNMore
concon--you so funny! i just read one of your diary post--the one about driving to the clinic--wow--girl you need to start writing--you could so publish that in a heartbeat!!! you are an artist..you have to find an outlet--have to have to have to--that straining painfull anger will be back-so be prepared! you did so good--you made it through to see that in the end reality comes back--wow, im gonna print that out and show it someone--i dont know who--i have no friends anymore either, but i have never had alot of friends--sure aquaintances when i used, i know that deep sense of displacement you are talking of even when a bunch of my family gets together, ill sit and play nice, but im yearning to get away and read a book or take my son and be alone or something like that--dont know why wish i could be more ME more often, but it may never feel "normal" like it appears to feel for others to be together--does that make any sense--anyway im getting off topic--you need to know you are doing it girl--this is recovery--i know you are feeling like you are slipping but thats part of it....just find that secure foothole again and keepclimbing AWAY fromt the dark--all my respect to you my friend
Amity
Amity
Please dahlink lie down on zee couch and ve vill wrack your brain!!!!!!!!!
Ohhhhhh, Con, wanting the fatigues back on and the sneakers speaks volumes.
Yes, maam........this happens.........and you are very right it's so da*n hard......encompasses you............tricks your brain............ain't it a real trickster............it speaks to ya.........almost audible ain't it?
Guess what Con............you can squash it..........you may not want to but you can and will.............because you're no loser............you're in a fight and you are NOT giving up or in............it's not for us, your wife, your family, co-workers!
This is for Con and Con only now.............and the Con I know is no giver upper.
I wish we were all close in proximity so we could do conference call and we'd all be listening to ya, Con.............alas this in words though.............written......we're here babes...........we're here for you Con, and it does so help though to have someone right there who has been there.......and will say "Ya know I did that too and ya know this is when you have to train that memory, and train your emotions that to DEAL with it you cope in other ways clean and sober"................you have to learn how to cope.........without dope.
If this were in person I'd hug ya up and let you cry and BTW, tears are a good thing............right now.............and say "I understand".............and Amity understands and Jack and GYAC and Zero Girl and every soul comes here that has been there...............but yours is unique just as ours were...........but in the end, Con...........we all just had to say NOPE..........NOPE DOPE.........then what and where and when................your sneakers will be dirty and your fatigues will look uglier than ever..........you are bigger and better remember.
I KNOW you don't care if you are bigger and better right now........I recall saying No, I'm not bigger than this so Shazam let's roll.......I'm not better so let me take my life in my hands and give it another whirl because I don't care.
That happens Con...............and you dialing up that number............making that effort it is immense.................it's HUGE............it means YOU WANT THIS...........I never did NA or AA...........different people will tell you different experiences, but if it works................that's all that matters, love!
Hang in there now, and we do understand you can't tell...........and it's not over, but we understand why our loved ones would throw a fit and jump up and down and check our pupils and scream "Enough. I thought this was over".......Errrrm, only way you'd understand this hubby, wife, mom, sis, bro, cousin, best friend is if you've done it................and I need to talk and I need somebody understands.
We love ya and we understand.............now come home to the motherland here and we'd all be able to phone ya up............heck, hit the beach........IN PUMPS!
(((((((((((HUGZZZZZZZZZ)))))))))) for Con Con!
Ohhhhhh, Con, wanting the fatigues back on and the sneakers speaks volumes.
Yes, maam........this happens.........and you are very right it's so da*n hard......encompasses you............tricks your brain............ain't it a real trickster............it speaks to ya.........almost audible ain't it?
Guess what Con............you can squash it..........you may not want to but you can and will.............because you're no loser............you're in a fight and you are NOT giving up or in............it's not for us, your wife, your family, co-workers!
This is for Con and Con only now.............and the Con I know is no giver upper.
I wish we were all close in proximity so we could do conference call and we'd all be listening to ya, Con.............alas this in words though.............written......we're here babes...........we're here for you Con, and it does so help though to have someone right there who has been there.......and will say "Ya know I did that too and ya know this is when you have to train that memory, and train your emotions that to DEAL with it you cope in other ways clean and sober"................you have to learn how to cope.........without dope.
If this were in person I'd hug ya up and let you cry and BTW, tears are a good thing............right now.............and say "I understand".............and Amity understands and Jack and GYAC and Zero Girl and every soul comes here that has been there...............but yours is unique just as ours were...........but in the end, Con...........we all just had to say NOPE..........NOPE DOPE.........then what and where and when................your sneakers will be dirty and your fatigues will look uglier than ever..........you are bigger and better remember.
I KNOW you don't care if you are bigger and better right now........I recall saying No, I'm not bigger than this so Shazam let's roll.......I'm not better so let me take my life in my hands and give it another whirl because I don't care.
That happens Con...............and you dialing up that number............making that effort it is immense.................it's HUGE............it means YOU WANT THIS...........I never did NA or AA...........different people will tell you different experiences, but if it works................that's all that matters, love!
Hang in there now, and we do understand you can't tell...........and it's not over, but we understand why our loved ones would throw a fit and jump up and down and check our pupils and scream "Enough. I thought this was over".......Errrrm, only way you'd understand this hubby, wife, mom, sis, bro, cousin, best friend is if you've done it................and I need to talk and I need somebody understands.
We love ya and we understand.............now come home to the motherland here and we'd all be able to phone ya up............heck, hit the beach........IN PUMPS!
(((((((((((HUGZZZZZZZZZ)))))))))) for Con Con!
You guys really DO know...it never ceases to amaze me that you really really do understand...I made the call...and I let go and I got 3 emails from NAers in my area and a welcome to come to the AA meeting...im not a 12 stepper...I know that and I also know how NA feels about methadone....but its something...its other people round me here who speak english and are in recovery and I'll take it for now...Im going tonight after work...directly to the meeting...I'll take what I can from it and just knowing you guys are here and that what Im going through is a normal feeling at the stage Im in makes ALL the difference in the world....really....
" but it may never feel "normal" like it appears to feel for others to be together--does that make any sense--"
God Amity....more sense than anything in the universe !! I get it totally
ya Bryn....scary aint it ? fatigues and my s*** kickers...i put on pumps this morning just because i knew i needed to stay on the right side of life and not self sabatoge ...which I do soooo well it seems....
and oh how right you are when you said...and i need to to talk and I need someone who understands...
you all amaze me sometimes...dont know what the fck i would do without each and every one of you
oh...and im glad tears are a good thing cuz im sure shedding them a lot it seems latley...:)
" but it may never feel "normal" like it appears to feel for others to be together--does that make any sense--"
God Amity....more sense than anything in the universe !! I get it totally
ya Bryn....scary aint it ? fatigues and my s*** kickers...i put on pumps this morning just because i knew i needed to stay on the right side of life and not self sabatoge ...which I do soooo well it seems....
and oh how right you are when you said...and i need to to talk and I need someone who understands...
you all amaze me sometimes...dont know what the fck i would do without each and every one of you
oh...and im glad tears are a good thing cuz im sure shedding them a lot it seems latley...:)
