Third Times The Charm, Right?

Hi there. Ive been reading a lot of these blogs and to my surprise Ive learned a lot. Not just about heroin addiction, but about myself. Im 21, currently unemployed, and on my third try recovering from my addiction to heroin. As silly as it sounds, it feels different this time. As I have said that every other time too but its good to think that right? Too have some kind of hope?

Ive graduated high school, got a college degree, and had three jobs. I was on point. Now, I dont have any of that. I didnt think one time using would steal my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my money, my life Me. Im still un sure of the reason why I continued to use. Ive been told its because Im masking something deeper. Something painful I dont want to face. I was raised to suck up your problems and deal with it. Yeah bad stuff will happen, but you get through it. Everyone in my family tends to think they can handle anything. Unfortunately that trait was passed down to me too. I completely skipped other minor party drugs. I hated pot, occasionally took pills I could snag from my dad, specifically Oxys, and never really branched off to other things. Sure, I drank like most teens. Smoked cigarettes and such. But, I jumped right to heroin. Right to the hardest drug.

My best friend was using It for a little while before she told me. I remember telling her all the time not to do it again, and pleading for her to stop. But only because I knew it was bad from people telling me it was. Like the DARE program in school. I didnt know what that drug was really capable of. Then came the night I found what I thought I had been missing my whole life. She let me try it after I begged her. She wasnt going to let me at first, but we were best friends, she gave in.

Then it started happening. I cleaned out my bank account. Started showing up late to work, taking money from petty cash, and never seeing my family and boyfriend. I was more concerned with how and when I was going to get my next fix. My parents would try setting down rules because I barely ever came home, but that just made me mad and in turn I would use harder and stay out longer. Long story short, I used for two years before my parents found out. They packed my stuff, hustled to find me suboxone (my dad has a prescription pill problem, so when he runs out, he knows where to get just about anything), and sent me to north Carolina with my aunt. I stayed two months, got clean, and was determined to stay that way.

I got home sick and decided to move back to Maryland. I wasnt home two days before I went seeking old connections (I had erased their numbers but it didnt matter, I had memorized them). By the end of that night I was higher than a kite, nodding out in front of my boyfriends family, and planning on when to get dope again. That went on for about two months. I had found a friend who would give me bags for driving her an hour away every day to get her fix. Every. Day. I was never home anymore. I ended up having an old friend of mine, who I considered my sister, start rumors, and I ended up having a suicidal episode. Time to go back to north Carolina. Ive been here almost two months, and I feel stronger, I feel a little more normal. I wont be moving back to Maryland this time. Its not good for me.

I continue to look for the strength everyday, to not drive into town and look for dope. All though it ruined my life and has made me completely disgusted with it, I still have cravings beyond belief. I enjoyed that game so much. I dont know how to live a life without it. Yet...

Im not sure what im looking for on this site. Maybe someone who relates in someway, who would be willing to talk. Some kind of support.

Does it ever get better? Is it possible to stay clean from here on out?
Yes it will get better. It takes time. Try going to a NA meeting in your area. You will feel right at home. Having people who understand will help in a big way. You have to change everything. If you change nothing, then nothing changes. It will only get worse if you still use. I lost everything I ever had to get dope. Don't let that happen to you. With the help I recieved from NA I have been clean for almost 33 months. I never could have done it on my own. It will get better. (((HUGS)))


Jessica
Thank you Jessica,

I attempted one NA meeting back home but it just made me want to go out and use again...so unfortunately i stopped going. (Congrats on the 33 months clean!! I'm sure you feel on top of the world!) I think subconsciously i dont want to go because i want to be able to get over the addiction on my own. But i realize thats impossible. I did change alot of things. I cut everyone out who relates to drugs. Which only left family and surprisingly my boyfriend. I moved, and deleted my facebook (another addiction i didnt realize i had!) I think im just severely lonely. I have my aunt, but sometimes its nice to have actual friends. Something or someone to keep me occupied. How long did it take you to get your energy back? I have no motivation for anything. I need to get a job and im terrified i wont be up to par.

Thanks for the advice, i suppose i should give NA another chance. My aunt thinks meditation will help. Little out of my area but worth a try. Keep up the clean life! Happy for you.
For most of the alcoholic/addicts that I know (me included) AA & NA was the last house on the street.

Addiction is the only disease that tells you that you don't have it and you can get along by yourself.
Alcoholism and addiction DOES NOT WANT to go to meetings !!

Usually the pain of using has to exceed the pain/fear of surrendering to NA/AA.
We have to hit bottom.

All the best.

Bob R
You can everything in your power to wish addiction away but sadly it never goes away. I still have bad days, like everyone else, I still have moments where I think I want to get high again, I also have great days. Life on life's term's is not always easy. But thanks to NA I have tools to help me deal with life. I have real friends who are willing to help me no matter what, and that is thanks to NA. I hated NA my first meeting as well. That was back in 2000 I think, there was a guy there that did all but yell in my face that I had to do and that. lol. I didn't go back. I had to hit a hard rock bottom before I started taking suggestions and really following through on them. Like 90 meetings in 90 days. There are different meetings so I had to find one's I liked. But when I really tried I felt right at home with everyone. I had to want to be clean more than I wanted to be high and that's what changed for me. In the beginning I just didn't want to be dope sick. I didn't want to try recovery, I thought I could still "party", and that never worked cause my drug of choice was always a phone call away. I too had to delete friends numbers, in fact I got a new number. It didn't happen overnight, my attitude had to change as well. Not a lot of people are on this message board, so please don't get pissed if no one else replies, addiction is powerful. I'm usually around once or twice a day so keep posting and if I can help in any way I will, even if you just need to vent. But really try NA what you got to lose? Hang around people with lots of clean time. Ask for numbers so when you feel the need to get high, you can call a friend instead. You help them too when you call them:).
Both of you are right. I DO NOT want to go to meetings. But like you said Jessica, you have to want to be clean more than being high. Words of wisdom right there! I REALLY appreciate the advice. This whole recovering thing and trying to be "normal" again is new to me, and honestly terrifying.

Not only do i want to be clean for me, but to also show everyone who doubted me that i can do this. All though the anxiety and anger takes hold a lot, i'm trying to work through it. I've always had anxiety, but it has intensified a thousand times more since ive been off dope. Do either of you still suffer from this? Will it lessen over time?

Sorry for all the questions. I didn't realize i was so clueless to the whole thing. Thanks for being there!! :) Its nice to be able to talk about these things finally after three years.
I will pass along what the oldtimers told me in the beginning:
"Keep coming back .. it gets better"

Here is AA's HOW IT WORKS:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf

Here is NA's HOW IT WORKS:
http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf

Here is The Promises of AA:
http://www.singaporeaa.org/PDFs/The...AA_Promises.pdf

When you get to your first meeting you will find many folks just like you.
We are not such weird ducks .. there are millions of us in AA & NA.
You will discover that you are no better or worse than any of us.

i came to recovery in 1989 and it just keeps getting better as i go along.

All the best.

Bob R
Thank you Bob. I'm already looking into finding meetings. Those links were very helpful. Hopefully i can find some meetings i'll enjoy going to. Im determined to make this work.

Thanks again :)
Maybe.some therapy or counseling would help as well. I know it does for me!
Hi I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I have relapsed many times. It never gets better just worse. I have been clean this time for 4 months. The cravings are there. I came on here today because I was feeling miserable and wanted to get high. I too feel like its different this time. Honestly in the past I didn't seek much help or support when I wanted to use I just let it build until I gave in. I'm in a deferent place today. I'm having a hard time but I'm just not giving in. I don't want to die. Gosh, I'm sorry this is not very uplifting, is it?

I guess I just wanted you to know you are not alone. :) All the advise about AA/NA is great. I personally don't go to meetings but I would if I could handle being around people. I have severe anxiety. I was homeless for a long time, about 10 years I went through a lot of hard things. I have PTSD and don't go out much at all. That's how I first found this message board I was just so scared, sad and lonely. but I am doing much better today. I now see a therapists and attend a weekly lady's group for women with PTSD. That is real progress and I am proud of myself. That might be a good place for you to start. Therapy, I mean. Its great to have someone to talk to. I think I will eventually make it back into the rooms. I did have 2 years clean at one point (a very long time ago) and I did that through going to meetings and following the steps.

Keep sharing it does help,
Jessi L
Hi Jessi,

So happy you decided to come on here instead of using. That takes A LOT of strength. I appreciate the advice on therapy. Its something ive kind of always wanted to try out, but either my anxiety would get in the way and didnt want to talk about anything, or the funds just weren't there. I've been trying to do some research on recovery programs around here. I really need something to occupy my time in a good way.

It feels good to know im not entirely alone. Ive never been very good at making friends, but coming onto this site was a great idea. Everyone is so supportive and kind.

Happy to hear your 4 months clean! Keep it going!! Thats awesome. Your doing the best thing for yourself :)
What part of NC? I live there also a recovering addict. Email me if you ever need someone to talk to ... It does get easier. So I hear. Its got to be possible. Just look at the people with 20+ years. Keep up the good work!


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Hi Katie,

Do you attend any kind of meetings in your area? I'm over near the coast. Its hard to find meetings around here because everything is either an hour or more north and south.

I appreciate the support! Im always here if you need to talk as well :)
If we put as much time and energy into our recovery as we put into our drug/alcohol use we would get clean and stay that way!


granny