thanks to seanO -peace& respect brother
jack
Hello all,
One thing I do is force myself to remember certain scenerios that played out while I was heavily using. Because when the cravings hit, these memories get lost somewhere. For me, I get this tunnel vision and all I remember is the positive aspects of H. The euphoria, the absense of pain(or any feelings for that matter), the comfort it brings.THE NOD OF GODS.lets go!!! Why deny myself the pleasure???
Here's why:
A Day in the life of a dope sick junkie.
8am
Wake up with a start of fear. Am I sick? Not too bad, but I feel it coming on. Better catch this early. The fear rises, slight feelings of panic creep in. Okay, need a plan. Do I have any money? No...not today. Hmm, gotta be at work in an hour and a half. Think faster. More panic.
Ok, i'll call the man, I've gave him all my rent money last week, I should be good for some credit. Pick up the phone and call, no answer.
I'll call another connect, but little chance of credit and he sells garbage half the time. Again, no answer. Call my original connect again. No answer. Panic. Fear. Panic.
My nose starts to run. Sweating a little bit.
I'll sit and watch TV, kill some time....nothing of interest and the reception sucks. It was nice when I had cable. When I could afford such things. I find a show...I stare at it for a couple minutes. It doesn't hold my interest, nothing can hold my interest. I call again,
no answer.
9am
Still no answers, I've called several connections by now I got an answer from one, but as soon as I mention credit the conversation is over. TV still sucks....I would watch a Video, but I pawned the VCR and most of my movies a couple weeks ago. Panic. Fear. Anxiety creeps in. Sweating more, more snot, can't sit still for this. Ok what now? I have some cottons I can beat.
Get my works, pull out several cottons, hmm are these good for anything? I've already beat them twice. Desperation. I'll do it again.
Call one more time...no answer
10am
Beat the cottons, I clean my cooker with the plunger of my rig. I need to hurry. I have to get to work. I draw up the solution I've created. Any dope in there? Doesn't look promising. Looks like dirty water. Dare I shoot this into my veins? Of course I will, have I ever not? Run the risk of cotton fever? Doesn't matter, I'm getting sicker by the minute. The rig is old, dull, numbers worn off. I poke and stick and poke and stick. Try the other arm....crap. I'm a literal bloody mess. Go back to the original arm stick and poke and stick and poke. More bruises, more knots.....fun. I hit...it registers...it stops...it starts...I panic....push the plunger...a knot rises. Do I feel anything? No...i've just flushed a rig full of dirty water into my arm. Where's the phone? Better call work, tell them I'll be late.
I call them, make up a story...tell them I'm not sure when I'll be in.
Try to call the connect again....no answer.
11am
Snot running, cold sweats panic and fear.
Call the connect....he answers...thank god...I hope.
Hello?
yeah, you holding?
sure
Ok heres the deal, I don't have any cash right now but...
Sorry, can't do it
Oh c'mon, I've always been a good customer, give me a break
Not in a position to do that right now...sorry
please?
Sorry
I'll have cash by this afternoon(I lie)
Goodbye....
but...
*click*
I call back, he knows it's me....doesn't answer.
Doesn't he care about a miserable dope sick junky with no money?
no he doesn't
Ok, I've got to come up with some cash. Look around the house....
stereo...gone. CD's....gone. guitar....gone. This list goes on. I've pawned just about everything. I have a TV....it's old...the pawnshop won't even look at it. I've tried. Sick....
sick.sick. sick.
Ok, now what do I do? Who will give me 10 bucks? Parents? no...Sister?no...There has to be someone I haven't burned yet. Panic, fear. Sick.
Noon
I get an idea, I'll steal something and pawn it. From who?
well, I know how to get into my parents house. They have stuff they won't even notice missing. And I'll pawn it, and get it out later.
no you won't
yes I will
no you won't
yes I will
SHUT UP...YOU'RE SICK AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS RIGHT NOW!!! YOU NEED TO GET WELL and FAST!
Of course you're right.
I get in my car. The gas guage reads EMPTY. Don't care...it'll get me there...then to the pawn shop...then to score.....i hope.
I'm at my parents house....I go into a closet where they keep things they rarely use.
I find a couple items of interest. An old video camera, a 22 rifle and a crock pot.
To the pawnshop....I set the stolen Items of the counter.
Video cameras too old...won't take it.
They laugh at the crock pot....what the hell are you thinking?
I shrug (I'm sick---don't you know a sick junky when you see one?)
The 22 rifle...it's old, worth 15 bucks. I take the money....
Leave the pawnshop....find a payphone...call the dealer.
No answer....
I'll go across town and score on the street.
Sick,panic,fear anxiety....
I stop...put one dollar worth of gas in my car...get a pack of cheap smokes.
The sick is hitting harder.
2pm
I start my drive accross town. I have the money in my hand...the sick builds...anxiety....anticipation...sick....
my stomache turns...I have to pull over...
Up it comes....I empty the contents of my stomache...bile and snot that's been running down the back of my throat. There hasn't been any food in there for a couple days.
I get back on the road...across town...
White boy driving around where I shouldn't be....don't care...sick
I look for someone holding....nobody...pay phone...
call my connect again....he answers...
Hey, you holding
yeah...what you want?
10 cents(I don't know why...but this means 10 dollars)
Well ok.... but I have something else I have to take care of first
But I need it now
You'll have to wait, I have other customers willing to spend more.
well...ok...where do I meet you?
Call back in 45 minutes.....
ok...i guess...
*click*
I drive around a little more...still can't find anybody...
Probably better....dealers on the street sometimes sell dirt or coffee grounds to desperate junkies.
Go home....wait...45 minutes...call connect...he answers
Hey
It'll be another 30 minutes....
no way
sorry
ok
I wait, anticipate, fight the sick...wait....
4pm
I call....he answers...
I'll be there in 10 minutes
ok
bye
*click*
10 minutes pass, 15, 20, 30,
I call again...he answers
I'll be right there
please hurry...
I said I'll be right there
*click*
And he knows I'll wait, I always do.
I sit...sick...but at least I know it's going to end shortly.
Only temporarily....but at least it will end.
He knocks at the door...
I give him my 10 bucks....he gives me what I live for...
No small talk, I don't care about him anymore and he doesn't care about me.
He leaves....
I get my works....cook up my shot....begin the process of finding a cooperative vein.
My hands are shaking
I poke and stick and poke and stick. Try the other arm....crap. Go back to the original arm stick and poke and stick and poke. More bruises, more knots.....more fun. I hit...it registers...it stops...it starts...I panic....push the plunger...a knot rises. I missed. I cry
I wait
I feel better,
not high, not euphoric
Just not sick ....for now....
5pm
I call work, I won't be in. They tell me this is starting to happen too often.
I tell them It won't happen again.
Yes it will....
I spend the rest of the day staring at crap on the TV.
Smoke cigarrettes.....call some junky friends...maybe they have a little something that they can share...
They don't
9pm
Go to bed, sleep a little, of and on...getting a little sick...somehow I get some sleep...not good sleep but some sleep.
Next Day
8am
Wake up with a start of fear. Am I sick? Yeah, pretty sick, I could only fix once yesterday. The fear rises, slight feelings of panic creep in. Okay, need a plan. Do I have any money? No...not today........
This is what I have to remind myself of. Is this what I want to go back to?
No...of course not
ahhh- but will I ??
Thank you for sharing your life.....
It reads as a prespective into hell.
Take care of you and take it as it comes, what's present......
Love,
Tina
It reads as a prespective into hell.
Take care of you and take it as it comes, what's present......
Love,
Tina
jackofharts,
it is really evident that the drug consumed about every thought of yours.
HOw long have you been clean off of it?
And even now do you think about it alot?
it is really evident that the drug consumed about every thought of yours.
HOw long have you been clean off of it?
And even now do you think about it alot?
Ive been on MM for since 1986. Methadone saved my life,but also became a horrible LIFESYTLE. I havent used heroin in years, stayed out of prison, raised a son as a single dad, stayed with a job until it turned into a good career... ..But- -I had to go down to the clinic every day for a long time (I now have 6 THB,s) and deal with the f**ked up people that are in line every day to drink just so they feel well enough to start thier hussle. The clientel for the most part ,are the unemployable, the welfare scammers, & the totally lost. The percentage of folks that are HIV positive is staggering. Very depressing . You must walk past the dealers, they are selling many pills ,which people are taking to compliment thier dose,and the dope dealers who dont want to lose thier customers to methadone. So yes between the heroin habit and the years of maintience my life has been consumed with drugs and horror stories. However, Im able to funtion like a normal productive citizen thanks to methadone. I fight with the prospect of getting off, but , I look at my son , and I get so afraid that a relapse will kill me.
I wouldnt recomend MM to my worst enemy, its stricky for people who have used all thier cards.
Hope this helps - it helps me just to talk about it- peace & respect
I wouldnt recomend MM to my worst enemy, its stricky for people who have used all thier cards.
Hope this helps - it helps me just to talk about it- peace & respect
You sound like a very intelligent person....Very good reading for all. Your story applies to so many things...Not just gear. Keep it up, great work and good luck.
This is the first time I've really related to anyone besides my circle of drug buddies. We were walking down the same dark ally of life, and you put into words what i've been too reluctant to say outloud. A day in the life from wake to pass out is identical, but I also dealt with an abusive boyfriend, so you can imagine how the comedowns, searching, $ hunt, anticipation of scoring is when your fighting about it 24/7! I think even though the $ the calls the driving all of it that was enough 2 make you lose your mind, the anticipation of waiting for your fix was the worst. You want it so bad, that everything else has no importance, and just hopefully your innerspirit will grab, shake & manifest things in your life for you too make the ultimate choice in life or death. Thanks for sharing, your read my mind
i totally agree,my experience with heroin was just the same,except i did'nt inject,easier for me to hide it.i went to places i would never of dreamed of going and put myself in danger a few times.jack i hope all will be ok for you,raising a son on your own must have been hard,especially with all this s*** going on,i can sympathise with you on that one,having to score just to operate "normally" so my kids could have the best upbringing i could manage at the time,all the while digging myself deeper and deeper.good luck
ruprect
ruprect
HI every one
On my way to see Bobby Dylan & Willie Nelson in about 20 minutes. So glad I can go to a show without thinking about scoring first. Yes, the normal activities of the disfuctional person. Once in awhile its all good!!
I know, I know, - Im still on methadone. But being able to talk about it on this site is helping my soul- - thanks again
Love & Respect to all
jack
On my way to see Bobby Dylan & Willie Nelson in about 20 minutes. So glad I can go to a show without thinking about scoring first. Yes, the normal activities of the disfuctional person. Once in awhile its all good!!
I know, I know, - Im still on methadone. But being able to talk about it on this site is helping my soul- - thanks again
Love & Respect to all
jack
That was a typical day in the life, Jack I enjoyed your post, I too am on MM, and it saved my soul from the living hell of IV "H" every day. The lifestyle alone was killing me , the neiborhoods, people, bad dope, old works, Hell is probably more comfortable than that life. Anyway, I have 2 littel ones and a great wife, I am one of the lucky ones, I guess, made it out with only "Hep C", and some bad memories, I go to a OBOT program, there is only a few in the country, it is for "good junkies" who are clean and sober, but still need the meth to live, I only go once a month, it is a great program, it changed my life . Grew up in NYC and shot a lot of dope their, lost my brother to an OD in Manhatten a few years back, and things were never the same. any way thanks for a day in the life!
Thanx for posting that Jack, it sent shivers down my spine!!!!!
if ever I feel down now I try and tell myself, look where you were and look where you are now, and I am soooo glad I dont wake up feeling dope sick anymore, there is no worse feelin in the world!!!
thanxx for the reminder of what NOT to go back to x
if ever I feel down now I try and tell myself, look where you were and look where you are now, and I am soooo glad I dont wake up feeling dope sick anymore, there is no worse feelin in the world!!!
thanxx for the reminder of what NOT to go back to x
thanks- - we gotta help eachother
What is an obot program??
What is an obot program??
Wow people are out there like me and it seems ur the only 1 going through it at the time.
1:the getting cash like pawning anything of value(but id always get it back when ssdi check comes in on 3rd .
2:the bad neighborhoods..iu live in Rochester NY and being white in some of the places not to be racist means u get pulled over for being white in a hood cops no that no white people lie there and they are there for drugs
3:the losing intrest in old things that made u happy: im not past that stage yet im still a lil agrophobic,but beleive it or not, i have always smoked marijuana and a 2 to 3 day binge of nothing but pot and food gets u back to normal ,or me anyway.pot always made my stomach back to normal,because i refuse to go on methadone and be addicted to that instead ..I just puff my bud and get support from therapy and a wellness group at my shrinks office every week, tLKING about it in any group triggers me to use,so i try to avoid topic all together,but this board seems like the support I need,im glad i found it
and they day u went through is a day ive been through many times,hour by hour . u think can time go any slower??? while the dealer could care less about a measly 1 bag for me.when hes selling more..i dont work anymore cause of my mental disability,but when i do go back i will take what i learned and even know uill prob be only willing to work 20 hours or so so i can keep my govt benefite,butill be sober off heroin this time
anyway im babbling,i just want you to know that that day has happenned to any heroin addict whos not Rich...at leassst once and i stress at least,cause it happenned to me not to long ago,and thats when u start thinking crazy thoughts about ways to get drugs in diff hood or ways to steal and pawn.
ive od'ed 2 times and brought back to life both times and today of all days i woke up on the side of a road with a guy knocking on my window to wake up,and it was 2 hours later..all i remember was shooting 2 bags and dropping off a friend/..i coulda killed somebody..even know im not a everyday user,it was enough finally to make me say no more!!!i could have killed someone on the road todayand thank god he put me somewhere safe,and not in jail...by the way i told the man who woke me up i just got off a 15 hour shift at the plant..he didnt care..lol..anyways good post and ive been there...good luck from the newbie to the board Jahtiva
1:the getting cash like pawning anything of value(but id always get it back when ssdi check comes in on 3rd .
2:the bad neighborhoods..iu live in Rochester NY and being white in some of the places not to be racist means u get pulled over for being white in a hood cops no that no white people lie there and they are there for drugs
3:the losing intrest in old things that made u happy: im not past that stage yet im still a lil agrophobic,but beleive it or not, i have always smoked marijuana and a 2 to 3 day binge of nothing but pot and food gets u back to normal ,or me anyway.pot always made my stomach back to normal,because i refuse to go on methadone and be addicted to that instead ..I just puff my bud and get support from therapy and a wellness group at my shrinks office every week, tLKING about it in any group triggers me to use,so i try to avoid topic all together,but this board seems like the support I need,im glad i found it
and they day u went through is a day ive been through many times,hour by hour . u think can time go any slower??? while the dealer could care less about a measly 1 bag for me.when hes selling more..i dont work anymore cause of my mental disability,but when i do go back i will take what i learned and even know uill prob be only willing to work 20 hours or so so i can keep my govt benefite,butill be sober off heroin this time
anyway im babbling,i just want you to know that that day has happenned to any heroin addict whos not Rich...at leassst once and i stress at least,cause it happenned to me not to long ago,and thats when u start thinking crazy thoughts about ways to get drugs in diff hood or ways to steal and pawn.
ive od'ed 2 times and brought back to life both times and today of all days i woke up on the side of a road with a guy knocking on my window to wake up,and it was 2 hours later..all i remember was shooting 2 bags and dropping off a friend/..i coulda killed somebody..even know im not a everyday user,it was enough finally to make me say no more!!!i could have killed someone on the road todayand thank god he put me somewhere safe,and not in jail...by the way i told the man who woke me up i just got off a 15 hour shift at the plant..he didnt care..lol..anyways good post and ive been there...good luck from the newbie to the board Jahtiva
Rochester! I live in Rochester!! what a small world! how many dope fiends are in Rochester!!!, Anyway OBOT is Office based opiod Treatment, which means I do not have to wait on lines anymore, and I don't get bottles that leak, only pillls, it makes life easier, "almost normal". I see a Doctor once a month out of town, I have to drive 80 miles each way but it is worth it!
WOW!! Thank you for sharing your life, but more importantly, thank you for making me look at mine. What you did every single day was exactly what I did for almost 2 years straight. And you are exactly right. When our urges come a creepin' and we think about all the "good" times we had with our "good" friends sittin around and slaughtering our arms and our souls we have to think about the everyday struggle. I can promise everyone and I'm sure you know, there will never be a stronger one. Someone was definatly on our side eh? This life is beautiful, to beautiful to wake up sick and wanting that one last fix (if you even can get your hands on it) the one that could kill ya.......or not.
alot i guess for not being a huge city....Rochester is a scumhole.And I hate every aspect of it besides my g/f.
HELLO ROCHESTER FOLK. I AM RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER IN BUFFALO. YOU ARE RIGHT IT IS SUCH A SKUM TOWN. ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE LEAVING BUF TO GO SCORE IN ROCHESTER? WHAT IS GOING ON THERE????????????? I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST OF LUCK WITH YOU SOBERITY! XOXOXOXOX
It is not to bad, if you are in NYC and you are using it can be pretty ugly , thta city chews you up and spits out the bones, I find Rochester a bit easier to survive in ! Now that i am clean I could not go back to NYC
Somewhere on this board, I expressed concern about stress at work. After coming back and reading my post here & all your responses , Icant help but think. WHAT WAS I THINKING. Stress at work is managable, compared to the sress of running as a hard core addict. THAT was unmanagable!!
"I will get by"
jack
but--that sponser suggestion seems very important. I always thought that I didnt need one. Now I realize how important it is-
"I will get by"
jack
but--that sponser suggestion seems very important. I always thought that I didnt need one. Now I realize how important it is-
Jack, It seems that you have a fantastic inner dialouge going on.
You are an insperation to all of us.
Life is good, so are you my friend.
Karen
You are an insperation to all of us.
Life is good, so are you my friend.
Karen
brit
inner- dialouge> sounds like I talk back to the voices in my head
--ha ha - thanks so much for your kind words
hope all is well
jack
inner- dialouge> sounds like I talk back to the voices in my head
--ha ha - thanks so much for your kind words
hope all is well
jack
