Hi everyone, I just love the way everyone interacts on this board, I will be thinking of you all.
I am going to take a drive in the mountains and reflect.
Have a joyous and strong weekend,
Kelli
48 Years ago today when I was born,who would have thought the journey life had in store for me.Each day had its own problems and opportunities.As i reflect on some of the mistakes I made,I consider"How would I handle them now' What if those same situations came up again? Of course knowing what I do now, I could work them all out smoothly,retaining, my integrity,honesty,and humor. Unfornunetly,I dont get a chance to start from the beginning- - but-I do get a chance to start from here.
Again I know Im still on MM. ,,but..Im slowly starting to realize(especially on the birthday) That the need for this is probably coming to an end.
I no longer deny my problems> I try to accept them
I no longer am the dishonest,lying lout that I once was
instead Honesty,openness,and stright talk fill my relationships
Ive become less materialistic based & more Spiritually based
there is less blaming of others & more taking responsibility
less manipulating others & more helping others
I know it all sounds good. BUT.. will I finally just make the big move & not look back-or will I just be one of these people who always talk the talk ..but never walk the walk.
One thing methadone has not robbed from me is real emotions. I wont allow it.
Its may have invaded my body, but I wont allow it to steal my soul.
continuing to work,
until Im ready
jack
Again I know Im still on MM. ,,but..Im slowly starting to realize(especially on the birthday) That the need for this is probably coming to an end.
I no longer deny my problems> I try to accept them
I no longer am the dishonest,lying lout that I once was
instead Honesty,openness,and stright talk fill my relationships
Ive become less materialistic based & more Spiritually based
there is less blaming of others & more taking responsibility
less manipulating others & more helping others
I know it all sounds good. BUT.. will I finally just make the big move & not look back-or will I just be one of these people who always talk the talk ..but never walk the walk.
One thing methadone has not robbed from me is real emotions. I wont allow it.
Its may have invaded my body, but I wont allow it to steal my soul.
continuing to work,
until Im ready
jack
dear jack,
It sounds like you are at a good, honest, healthy point in your recovery.
I was wondering...why do you feel like you need to get off MM if it is helping you to live a 'functional' life? I understand what you're saying about the clinic atomosphere, but since you now have 6 take homes is it that bad? I'm just curious, because sometimes I feel like it is the stigma of MM that makes it most difficult.
hope you had a wonderful birthday.
v
It sounds like you are at a good, honest, healthy point in your recovery.
I was wondering...why do you feel like you need to get off MM if it is helping you to live a 'functional' life? I understand what you're saying about the clinic atomosphere, but since you now have 6 take homes is it that bad? I'm just curious, because sometimes I feel like it is the stigma of MM that makes it most difficult.
hope you had a wonderful birthday.
v
Happy Birthday to you.
You seem so together with your recovery, I think you are a very spiritual person, I also think that that is the strongest part of your recovery. You are like sunshine on the pages of these posts.
You give fantastic an honest advice.
I truly believe that you will be completley clean one day.
Take care.
Karen
You seem so together with your recovery, I think you are a very spiritual person, I also think that that is the strongest part of your recovery. You are like sunshine on the pages of these posts.
You give fantastic an honest advice.
I truly believe that you will be completley clean one day.
Take care.
Karen
Karen
Your words are always so kind and encouraging, thatI look foward to your responses.Im grateful for your confidence in me.You make me remember that old saying"Im not a bad person trying to get good; Im a sick person trying to get well". I thank you for helping me to remain positive.
lottsa love
jack
Your words are always so kind and encouraging, thatI look foward to your responses.Im grateful for your confidence in me.You make me remember that old saying"Im not a bad person trying to get good; Im a sick person trying to get well". I thank you for helping me to remain positive.
lottsa love
jack
Getting 6 THB,s can be a good thing or a bad thing.
GOOD> you dont have to go down to the clinic everyday & deal with thier BS
and the people outside that are up to no good, & stand in the long lines to drink your dose and then hope yu get to work on time.
BAD>You have 6 bottles in the house,so you really have to disappline yourself .
Lately I,ve been getting up at 3 or 4 am- puttin on a pot of coffee , drinking my dose and watching old movies till 6 or 7.
Sometimes you fight the urge not to drink 2 of your bottles & call work and tell them your sick & you cant make it.
Either way this stuff enslaves you. - One day I think Im ready to get off- then the thought of not having a dose in the AM scares me.
The battle continues,
jack
GOOD> you dont have to go down to the clinic everyday & deal with thier BS
and the people outside that are up to no good, & stand in the long lines to drink your dose and then hope yu get to work on time.
BAD>You have 6 bottles in the house,so you really have to disappline yourself .
Lately I,ve been getting up at 3 or 4 am- puttin on a pot of coffee , drinking my dose and watching old movies till 6 or 7.
Sometimes you fight the urge not to drink 2 of your bottles & call work and tell them your sick & you cant make it.
Either way this stuff enslaves you. - One day I think Im ready to get off- then the thought of not having a dose in the AM scares me.
The battle continues,
jack
Jack,
Wow! I was amazed at your posting "A day in the life of a junkie". You should be congratulated for putting it all out for everyone to see. My daughter is 20 and has been doing IV Heroin for about 2 years. I have struggled with this, and found your story to be helpful in understanding the overwhelming craving and needs of this awful drug.
You should seriously think of having this story published and put out for young people as an anti-drug message. The way you described the desperation of being addicted was crystal clear. Did you ever think of hooking up with a program that speaks to kids about the dangers of doing drugs? You sound like you have an experience to share, a great ability to express it, and some wisdom that can help others.
Thanks for sharing a part of your life that must have been very painful for you.
God bless, and stay strong.
Wow! I was amazed at your posting "A day in the life of a junkie". You should be congratulated for putting it all out for everyone to see. My daughter is 20 and has been doing IV Heroin for about 2 years. I have struggled with this, and found your story to be helpful in understanding the overwhelming craving and needs of this awful drug.
You should seriously think of having this story published and put out for young people as an anti-drug message. The way you described the desperation of being addicted was crystal clear. Did you ever think of hooking up with a program that speaks to kids about the dangers of doing drugs? You sound like you have an experience to share, a great ability to express it, and some wisdom that can help others.
Thanks for sharing a part of your life that must have been very painful for you.
God bless, and stay strong.
that was really good it made me stop and look at myself thats been my everyday life for a while now only im a girl so i just sold my body wen i ran out of things to pawn but that was really good and i feel for you babe, good luck in the future
Jack, I am new here and just read your post. You are so right about only remembering the good times. I started doing oxys and have been for the past 3 years, just recently I started snorting bags when the oxys got to hard to find. Looking back I can't believe the dangers I put myself in and how much time I wasted just chasing that next pill or bag. It is an awful and sad way to live and I missed out on so much. Luckily I wasn't in too far and I just started on suboxone last week and am doing wonderful on it. But I am going to print out your story to carry with me as a reminder when I get an urge. Thankyou so much for being so open and honest and I wish you the best in your life. I too believe that you will be off the methadone when the time is right. You have a strong spirit.
Kimberly
Kimberly
It doesn't seem to matter where you are in the world, a day in the life of the junkie is the same. You really reminded me of where I've been. It makes me feel sick, sick sick to think of some of the s*** I've put in for a 28 day pawn, and couldn't afford to get them out. Some s*** I went in for months and months, just paying the fee every month so they wouldn't sell it, only to let it go about a year later, having cost me hundreds. I lost my grandmothers platinum and diamond eternity ring, but then bought it back on a 12 week tick. It never comes off my finger now. I think I'd rather die than go back to living like that. s*** there ain't no other word for it. Squalor. Living in filth. Bloody needles scattered all over the room. Curtains never opened. Never answering the door unless you get the special knock. Sitting in the cold and dark coz the electric and gas have been cut off again. Scavenging through old sin bins, looking for the least blunt needle - you don't really care if it's one of your own or not. Shuddering in horror, every time you look at your arms, hands, feet, legs where-ever. Wondering if you could hit it up in your neck without any help, coz you don't really want to admit to anybody that you've started sticking it in the jugular. The fact that you know you're about due to have your door kicked through - it hasn't happened for at least two months, and you're really just waiting for it to happen, just hoping that you'll be lucky enough to not have gear in the house when it does. Having to steal to eat. Yeah, it's a really good way to live...
best wishes
diff
best wishes
diff
This post gave me a great reminder why I really don't want to get back on that horse. I think I'll re-read it every day. I was right there as well. I have 15 days clean today, but yesterday was a bad one, but not as bad as it could have been if I would have used..where would I be today? No sleep to speak of since I began wds, but it's better than the life I was living that you described so very well. Than you! CAS.
Hi everyone- its me again. I had to change my name a little again to get on ,but its me. I appreciate the kind and encourging words from all. Things are going ok ,It felt good to spend a bunch of money on a new PC for myself. Its one of the benifits of not worrying about saving enough $$ for a wake up.
My detox has started.I have detox on demand at the clinic ,although I havent asked to use it for years.Well,in the 3 weeks since I last was able to really check in here,I,ve gone from 70 to 65. It doesnt sound like much (5 mgs every 3 weeks) but time will go fast. I have to be careful --no hurry!
Methadone turned out to be a long ride,and I have no illusions,it far from over.
Good to be back with people who understand,and make no judgements.
love& respect
jack
My detox has started.I have detox on demand at the clinic ,although I havent asked to use it for years.Well,in the 3 weeks since I last was able to really check in here,I,ve gone from 70 to 65. It doesnt sound like much (5 mgs every 3 weeks) but time will go fast. I have to be careful --no hurry!
Methadone turned out to be a long ride,and I have no illusions,it far from over.
Good to be back with people who understand,and make no judgements.
love& respect
jack
Jack, 5 mls every three weeks is fine. That's a lesson I've learned over the past 7 years - rushing is counter productive. Just go at your own pace.
love
diff
xox
love
diff
xox
Detox is happening slowly but surely- now on 60. Trying to build a support group,got a new theropist,and changed my counsler at the clinic(to a ex-junkie,the one I had before was a book counsler)
Things look positive- well see
tryin&hopeful
jack
Things look positive- well see
tryin&hopeful
jack
Hey Jack, good for you, sometimes we need to change the people in our recovery so that we change the process in ourselves.
Take care.
Karen
Take care.
Karen
Jack you just have to have faith, and keep on. The support group is important. Let them do their work, and try and act out what they tell you. Even if it all feels like pointless hard work at the time. Not all the rewards are instant, but just keep working at it. Don't let yourself sit back and get complacent, even if it does just seem like it's all hard work. You have to keep your motivation. I find it helps to have some kind of mantra, a personal one which serves to remind you why you are doing all this. I tell myself that I am doing this because I want to give myself a better life. I want to be happy. I owe it to myself to be happy. It is my duty to seek happiness, and I can see the roadsign "Happiness This Way>". All I have to do is keep navigating towards it, by following up every possible lead, and by generating new leads by creating an environment where happiness and opportunity are likely to breed.
'm'I going overboard again...I've just missed you, that's all Jack.
love
diff
xox
'm'I going overboard again...I've just missed you, that's all Jack.
love
diff
xox
Wow! What a story. I can relate to everything about your'e life. I have a 15 month old son and have been an addict 11 years, i have wasted so much of my life and all of my teenage years through Heroin. 5 month clean now, i work the 12 steps eveyday of my life, i even sometimes get "Urges" hmmm, not good i am sure, but, reading you're story really touched my heart and reminded me of all the things i have done and the low places i have been, not to mention all the self respect i lost for me and my body.
I would just like to say thanks and really, really well done, thanks for writing in such detail the day in the life of a heroin user, it helped me alot.
I would just like to say thanks and really, really well done, thanks for writing in such detail the day in the life of a heroin user, it helped me alot.
Bump for pug...
Dear MomnMore, thank you for bumping up that thread for Pug. I never read it before, and am so glad I read it now.
Jack, what you wrote made me see so much more clearly what my daughter had been going through while in active addiction, and what she probably is now going through on her methadone program. she tried to tell me how the fear of being sick pushed her to get deeper and deeper into the addiction, but I'm sure she edited her remarks so that I didn't know everything.
Your frankness and absolute honesty in descrbing the horrible reality of each day brought me to tears.
God bless you in your recovery, and thank you for allowing me a glimpse into what you were going through.
rita
Jack, what you wrote made me see so much more clearly what my daughter had been going through while in active addiction, and what she probably is now going through on her methadone program. she tried to tell me how the fear of being sick pushed her to get deeper and deeper into the addiction, but I'm sure she edited her remarks so that I didn't know everything.
Your frankness and absolute honesty in descrbing the horrible reality of each day brought me to tears.
God bless you in your recovery, and thank you for allowing me a glimpse into what you were going through.
rita
thank you for sharing your story, its my 1st day today any tips??? i want to get clean and stay clean! x
