Morning all! Just going over some posts there and it has been making me think, this is really life or death for us , eh? maybe there is an in between, but it is total f****In misery
So, had a good time at the concert on fri. Ended up scoring some coke and that led to me scoring some H cause i was feeling ruf the next day, and the next... Didn't have anything yest or toady. Here's the thing, if i'm honest(if i can't be honest here where can i be?) The second i got the call asking if i wanted to go to the gig my brain went into overdrive..."i'll just get a gram of coke, but then i'll be on a comedown so i'll need something else.... and on and on" I knew i was going to score and i knew i'd be feeling sh** for the rest of this week but i still went and done it!!?? That's mental...
One thing i've realised is in the near future i know i'll not be able to cope without the Naltrexone. I misplaced them(honestly) on wed morning so the last time i had one was Tues, so cause i knew i'd get the effect of it the thought of having a smoke was more appealing.Even typing this i'm feeling disgusted at myself.
A lot of things are going well in my life at the mo, best they have been in a long time. When i was on the H life was miserable...total misery!! And there is me taking it again..what is that all about?? Reading Sarah's posts there made me think, it is really life or death and here's me taking the piss having a smoke when i KNOW where it leads to and how F'd up my life can get. I KNOW the concequences but i still went ahead and done it!!
This addict brain of mine will never go away.. i realise that now. What i'm asking myself now is do i want to get stoned? I personally think i do not, but obviously there is something inside of me that does..This sh*t is scaring me!!
I'm going to pick up the Naltrexone today so i'll start on them again tomorrow( scared incase there is still opiates in my system..you go straight into w/d) Need to start all over again, eh? Day at a time....Peace, Kev
Kev...yes mate it is life or death to some ..but you have had a slight lapse...i kinda thought in my head when you talked bout the gig were you just gonna have a few drinks..but part of me thought nah!!the boys gonna get some speed or ching to liven up the night...which ya did and i probobly wouldve also.Kev..you came outta the smack lapse in time for it to only be that ok....dont beat yerself up too much about it ..it happened yer over it and yer aware that no ones special when it comes to brown.
I cant tell ya anything ya dont know maybe you were just celebrating being top o the league lol...but Kev..i can tell ya got yer head screwed on and yer aware of the consequences of using just a lil bit..so brush yerself down and look forward to tomm....as ya say Positive vibes..going out to ya mate.
Take care........Davey
I cant tell ya anything ya dont know maybe you were just celebrating being top o the league lol...but Kev..i can tell ya got yer head screwed on and yer aware of the consequences of using just a lil bit..so brush yerself down and look forward to tomm....as ya say Positive vibes..going out to ya mate.
Take care........Davey
Hey Kev, ya had a little LAPSE and it wasn't no RELAPSE. As long as you ain't picking up again it's alright, Kev.
Just me, but I believe you "PICKED UP BEFORE YA PICKED UP"....don't we always.............in the back of your mind and list of plans........somewhere the H figured in.............like I'll do this, but not that, BUT............the planning is a huge part ain't it...........always was for me anyway.
Kev, it's good ya shared...........and yeah all us all tell eachother everything.....how the heck are we all gonna judge anyone.........we all been there.....and being honest it's crucial.
You're being honest to the most important person,,,,,,,,yourself, Kev.
Today is a new day.
Just me, but I believe you "PICKED UP BEFORE YA PICKED UP"....don't we always.............in the back of your mind and list of plans........somewhere the H figured in.............like I'll do this, but not that, BUT............the planning is a huge part ain't it...........always was for me anyway.
Kev, it's good ya shared...........and yeah all us all tell eachother everything.....how the heck are we all gonna judge anyone.........we all been there.....and being honest it's crucial.
You're being honest to the most important person,,,,,,,,yourself, Kev.
Today is a new day.
No your addict brain will never go away but you can take control...and you're doing just that. Good luck. You deserve life.
Maddy x
Maddy x
..Kev..
..The mental process of being in recovery can't be looked as as fact ?..we cant say for sure that tomorrow sumfin won't happen that will tip us over the edge..we can sit here in this moment in time and say..fact i have'nt used today..but can we say that for tomorrow and the next ?..every person on here deals with their clean time differently..some of us our stronger than others mentally in dealing with their day to day recovery..some whistle thru the day..others fight their cravings thru the day..concerts and other things we go to enjoy are triggers for wot we used to do..cos it wot we did on that day/night to add to our own entertainment..its like a bell going off in ya head when someone mentions "night out"..going out and getting high and leaving a lil sumfin at home to bring ya back down..ya still dealing with the triggers in front of ya..as most of us are still on a daily basis..you gave into temptation but you can use that experience on wot not to do next time if ya find yaself in the same situation..sarahs post im sure pulled at all our heart strings but i think sarah will understand that we all live life in our own way rather than thru other peoples unfortunate consequences..people never really think its gonna happen to them do they ?.and thats wot i was trying to explain to sarah..the urge for an addict to use far outweights any other thought in their head..without the thought also of going over with a bad hit or that ?..but why take the chance anymore..take care mate..good luck..Robbie..
..The mental process of being in recovery can't be looked as as fact ?..we cant say for sure that tomorrow sumfin won't happen that will tip us over the edge..we can sit here in this moment in time and say..fact i have'nt used today..but can we say that for tomorrow and the next ?..every person on here deals with their clean time differently..some of us our stronger than others mentally in dealing with their day to day recovery..some whistle thru the day..others fight their cravings thru the day..concerts and other things we go to enjoy are triggers for wot we used to do..cos it wot we did on that day/night to add to our own entertainment..its like a bell going off in ya head when someone mentions "night out"..going out and getting high and leaving a lil sumfin at home to bring ya back down..ya still dealing with the triggers in front of ya..as most of us are still on a daily basis..you gave into temptation but you can use that experience on wot not to do next time if ya find yaself in the same situation..sarahs post im sure pulled at all our heart strings but i think sarah will understand that we all live life in our own way rather than thru other peoples unfortunate consequences..people never really think its gonna happen to them do they ?.and thats wot i was trying to explain to sarah..the urge for an addict to use far outweights any other thought in their head..without the thought also of going over with a bad hit or that ?..but why take the chance anymore..take care mate..good luck..Robbie..
You make a lot of sense Robbie. Took my friend Sean to a festival...course he was gonna wanna get high...there's me thinking that doing fun stuff would be an endorphin rush in itself...but you're right...it's a trigger...
Thanks for that insight...
Maddy x
Thanks for that insight...
Maddy x
What is it people say..keep on keeping on? That is what i'm gonna do! I had a appt at my local drug centre today to get tested so i had to get a sample off a mate. Walking down the road i was thinking to myself how lucky I am to be on naltrexone. Right, so i used at the weekend? but, on a more positive note, it's the first time i've been stoned since i got out. I've got the naltrexone to thank alot for that, cause i do think alot bout using, but i know i can't as it wouldn't do anything fior me, and i don't want to use(right here right now in this sensible frame of mind) it'd the last thing i'd want to do.
Well, tomorrow is a new day. not working this week so i'll go to the gym during the day then i'm gonna get the rest of my house stripped.Start as i mean to go on, eh? Have a good Wednesday everyone, Peace and P vibes, Kev
Well, tomorrow is a new day. not working this week so i'll go to the gym during the day then i'm gonna get the rest of my house stripped.Start as i mean to go on, eh? Have a good Wednesday everyone, Peace and P vibes, Kev
Good thinking, Kev! :o)
Maddy x x x
Maddy x x x
..Yeh, gd luck mate ;)..Robbie
..Maddy..
..Thats the thing..when i first stopped using..people used to say..getcha self out..go and do this or that..but as helpful n supportive they were trying to be..they did'nt realise that there were triggers left right and centre for me..even a little walk to my local park was a trigger cos i used to score in there sumtimes..the little tree behind the bush i looked at walking past made me think of my scoring days..but i sppose its how ya deal with it..if a person can enjoy a night out now without thinking of the necessities..then they've come a long way in recovery..take care..Robbie..
..Thats the thing..when i first stopped using..people used to say..getcha self out..go and do this or that..but as helpful n supportive they were trying to be..they did'nt realise that there were triggers left right and centre for me..even a little walk to my local park was a trigger cos i used to score in there sumtimes..the little tree behind the bush i looked at walking past made me think of my scoring days..but i sppose its how ya deal with it..if a person can enjoy a night out now without thinking of the necessities..then they've come a long way in recovery..take care..Robbie..
I know exactly what ya mean Robbie about the triggers. As it is whenever i drive by a spot i scored or shot up it's a real trigger STILL "i guess it's that way 4 all addicts" . I get all hot and can't breath chest hurts it's CRAZY!!!!!! Kev, your gonna be just fine you know what not to do. I tried to quit many a times before ever getting any real clean time. Just move forwords, you did it, it's done, now on with better things.
Hi kev, I used to do the same thing. For me, it was this thing about revisiting old ground. If I got too much distance on "the life" I'd get this panic that I'd really be desperate for gear and wouldn't be able to get hold of it. So I'd periodically score, just to maintain contacts and have the comforting reassurance of being in that familiar environment and head space. Coz life without heroin was daunting and scarey, and I didn't want to contemplate this "never again" business. I guess eventually I just got sick of the same repeating pattern, and bored of life, and decided that there must be more to life, there must be a new adventure for me to embark on. I've realised that I do have a kind of addiction to danger, to risk taking, to fear, to thrill seeking. I've always had something going on, from self harm, to heroin, to fast motorcycles. My latest thing is abusive relationships - being with a woman beater. Apparantly I'm a classic borderline PD. I just keep taking the pills and take it one step at a time...
keep on - there is life after heroin, but you have to go and look for it, and be aware of your vulnerabilities.
love
Diff xxx
keep on - there is life after heroin, but you have to go and look for it, and be aware of your vulnerabilities.
love
Diff xxx
"Keep on keeping on"..........Kev's talking like one of our Harlem Globetrotter's.
Kev, that's an old hippie like saying or something.........LOL!
Oh yes, yes get your self fixed up, put on a little make-up, here's $60.00 to go get your hair done...........are ya joking me...........and I gotta take the El past three stops I used to get off to cop............with freaking SIXTY HOT BUCKS!
Triggers all over............yo, Kev.............hang tough, babes.
Kev, that's an old hippie like saying or something.........LOL!
Oh yes, yes get your self fixed up, put on a little make-up, here's $60.00 to go get your hair done...........are ya joking me...........and I gotta take the El past three stops I used to get off to cop............with freaking SIXTY HOT BUCKS!
Triggers all over............yo, Kev.............hang tough, babes.
Cheers for the replies everyone, i value your opinion! My Mum said something to me on Sun, " you might as well stab me in the back cause you're killing me with that sh*t" I went along yest and apologised, i think she is ok. I explained that i'm sorry and it was just a one off. Went to the chemist yest and got my meds changed to twice weekly instead of once a week. That way if i ever loose them i only need to wait a couple of days...
Thanks people.Take it easy, Kev
Thanks people.Take it easy, Kev
And I'm sure your mum appreciated that cos ya meant it.
:o)
:o)
