Good morning everyone
I had an awful time last night. I was totally in the mindset where I knew I was going to use.I had a choice between going to a meeting or using and boy did I feel like using, but I got forced to go to a meeting and I spent the entire meeting outside in tears and I dont even know why. I feel like a total wreck at the moment. I got told to do a gratitude list yesterday by a friend, but I only got to it after the meeting. In the day I was feeling too sorry for myself to do any suggested things! I was told to try come up with twenty things before I stop, so needless to say I only went to bed at about ten to twelve! Im really tired this morning. I dont know why I am feeling like this. I am doing the suggested things and Im doing what I should be doing, but I am still feeling so terrible. I am so scared to ever use again, but the things which I am told to do havent shown any results yet. Im feeling very, very despondent.
Im alive though, so I suppose Im still okay :- )
angie
Girl, that is part of it...How many days now? I bawled for 3 days straight, then couldn't even put sentences together, then felt like a child with no coping skills...It really takes a toll on you. I wish that I had this board the first time because there are so many things they don't tell you but "post acute withdrawl symptoms.." BUT THEY DON'T REALLY TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE...
Hang in there, this too shall pass...It will just take time. And don't use no matter what. The first month in treatment, I swear, I was so glad that I was there because I am sure I would have used. I wanted to be sober so bad, but it was so hard coping with those symptoms. And it takes forever, it seems. Just pray, be kind to yourself, and try to keep your life as stress free as possible.
kerry
Hang in there, this too shall pass...It will just take time. And don't use no matter what. The first month in treatment, I swear, I was so glad that I was there because I am sure I would have used. I wanted to be sober so bad, but it was so hard coping with those symptoms. And it takes forever, it seems. Just pray, be kind to yourself, and try to keep your life as stress free as possible.
kerry
HELLO sweety well im still using tryiny to get off them . but i have tried before and the more im off them more depresed i get feeling tried run down sad no appatied just a big blob of sadness but by the 2 week i got my naturel high back. i dont no way i staretd again just did now with the of the postes and support of others i will succesed again you will feel better i primoise im sorry dont have much rm to talk but i feel for you my sweet freind love yspearing.......
I am so glad I dont have to go through this alone. I am glad that my scary stuff doesnt fall on deaf ears and there are people who take time out to listen to me. When I get upset, I get very angry, and yesterday I did something I feel so guilty about I totally freaked out at someone who is so special to me, and I didnt even give him time to help me, I just pushed him away. This poor guy didnt know what hit him because he didnt even know I was feeling so terrible, and out of the blue, here I go and blast him to no end. Ive tried to apologize to him, but he hasnt been replying to my mail or my phone messages. Im gonna try be positive and think that he just hasnt checked his mail, but right now I wouldnt blame him if hes angry with me.
Why do I do these things? Why do I push the people who I care about away like I do? I dont think Ive ever been really close to anyone before - Ive never given them a real chance to know me. Its like I let little bits of me out and give them glimpses of who I am, but keep the most of it hidden away. I think its almost like I feel they cant get me if they dont know me. And when they upset me, or I get upset for whatever reason (do I ever need one) then I can use it against them and say oh, please, what do you know? You dont know me, leave me alone. Its like some crazy defense mechanism where I dont have to face up to my stuff or have to answer to anyone.
I was told by someone that using is just the tip of the iceberg, and once we get clean, thats when we can begin to work on all the major stuff within ourselves that using was covering up. Getting clean is the easiest part (or so they say), but the real hard stuff is trying to deal with ourselves without just ignoring it and taking drugs to numb the pain and the reality of who we are. We can only start working on that stuff when we clean, cos if were using there aint no way in hell were gonna worry about who we are inside!
I only have myself to blame if my friend doesnt ever speak to me again, but I really didnt mean to be horrible to him. I suppose I have to deal with my consequences of my action hey I really hate being an addict I couldve started working on me years ago, instead I wasted it on taking drugs and ignoring my feelings, now I mightve lost someone plainly because of that.
Im really tired
P.S. *Littlebeach - 27 days*
Why do I do these things? Why do I push the people who I care about away like I do? I dont think Ive ever been really close to anyone before - Ive never given them a real chance to know me. Its like I let little bits of me out and give them glimpses of who I am, but keep the most of it hidden away. I think its almost like I feel they cant get me if they dont know me. And when they upset me, or I get upset for whatever reason (do I ever need one) then I can use it against them and say oh, please, what do you know? You dont know me, leave me alone. Its like some crazy defense mechanism where I dont have to face up to my stuff or have to answer to anyone.
I was told by someone that using is just the tip of the iceberg, and once we get clean, thats when we can begin to work on all the major stuff within ourselves that using was covering up. Getting clean is the easiest part (or so they say), but the real hard stuff is trying to deal with ourselves without just ignoring it and taking drugs to numb the pain and the reality of who we are. We can only start working on that stuff when we clean, cos if were using there aint no way in hell were gonna worry about who we are inside!
I only have myself to blame if my friend doesnt ever speak to me again, but I really didnt mean to be horrible to him. I suppose I have to deal with my consequences of my action hey I really hate being an addict I couldve started working on me years ago, instead I wasted it on taking drugs and ignoring my feelings, now I mightve lost someone plainly because of that.
Im really tired
P.S. *Littlebeach - 27 days*
Way to go on your 27 days, Angie -- that's a great accomplishment in and of itself. And I guess I disagree with your friend on one thing: getting clean IS hard, don't fool yourself. It takes courage to get rid of (what you think is) your best friend and face life without the ability to numb out and escape; and then it takes tremendous courage and strength to go through the first few months of getting clean. So please don't diminish what you've done already.
Also, the process of "facing life on life's terms" isn't all bad! I'm coming up on 6 months and can honestly say that the "high" of just plain feeling genuine emotion again -- for my family, my kids, vacation -- is sometimes stronger than any pill buzz. And it's a lot more reliable. It's not dependent on being able to get more of anything....just living.
I(t's great you're going to meetings notwithstanding your mood. Isolation can be brutal, and dangerous, for me. As for the gratitude list, I've never had success in writintg one when I've been feeling negative. But when I'm feeling good, i can put down all the positive things about being clean and sober, then refer to that list frequently, almost daily, to kind of ingrain the thinking. That's what works best for me anyway. Hang in Angie, "this too shall pass." lol You can hit me now... M.
Also, the process of "facing life on life's terms" isn't all bad! I'm coming up on 6 months and can honestly say that the "high" of just plain feeling genuine emotion again -- for my family, my kids, vacation -- is sometimes stronger than any pill buzz. And it's a lot more reliable. It's not dependent on being able to get more of anything....just living.
I(t's great you're going to meetings notwithstanding your mood. Isolation can be brutal, and dangerous, for me. As for the gratitude list, I've never had success in writintg one when I've been feeling negative. But when I'm feeling good, i can put down all the positive things about being clean and sober, then refer to that list frequently, almost daily, to kind of ingrain the thinking. That's what works best for me anyway. Hang in Angie, "this too shall pass." lol You can hit me now... M.
Hey none
Six months is absolutely ages! Wow! Keep it up! I met someone two weeks ago who had 26 years behind him! Thats like more than my age hectic stuff!
My friend still hasnt replied to me and its just making me more and more depressed. Its like out of my hands now, and I hate being totally unable to fix a wrong. I cant believe Ive messed up with someone who is so special to me. I hope he can forgive me because I really didnt mean to hurt him. I always complain because people try to complicate my life and try to make me deal with their stuff, when Ive gone and done the same thing now. I normally tell them to shove off and I stay well away, so if that is what hes now doing I can totally understand.
Ugggghhhh, Im a mess.
:-(
Six months is absolutely ages! Wow! Keep it up! I met someone two weeks ago who had 26 years behind him! Thats like more than my age hectic stuff!
My friend still hasnt replied to me and its just making me more and more depressed. Its like out of my hands now, and I hate being totally unable to fix a wrong. I cant believe Ive messed up with someone who is so special to me. I hope he can forgive me because I really didnt mean to hurt him. I always complain because people try to complicate my life and try to make me deal with their stuff, when Ive gone and done the same thing now. I normally tell them to shove off and I stay well away, so if that is what hes now doing I can totally understand.
Ugggghhhh, Im a mess.
:-(
