Long Story Short: ...arressted, probation, probation violations, hiding from the law, eventually get caught by the law, doing prison time, then months of parole....which leads us up to the present, so finally Nov.2006 im free of all legal issuses and decide ill do H again (after a year of being clean) just once or twice without catching a habit, just to see what it'll be like after all this time. so i find a good connection score 2 bundles and basically its nonstop from there. quit after those 2 bundles but ended up calling the dope man soon after. since then its been off an on up untill right now. went to a sub doc with full intentions of ending the madness and just basically used the subs as an excuse to use, knowing i could fall back on them whenever i wanted. that went on for awhile, dope/subs/dope/subs...well now for the past while maybe a month or 2 ive really wanted to stop for good but as soon as im sober for a day or 2 and on the subs the depression hits hard(which i never had before when quitting) and the boredum hits, and the anxiety from it all hits, and before ya know it im grinning at a sack of dope in my hand, impatiently figuring out where to fix myself. its the depression and boredum that gets me, plus im kinda hooked on the whole calling, scoring, fixing up routine too. i cant stand just sitting around doing nothing all day with no ambition for anything, so i do the whole scoring routine, get high and socialize with people. its a vicious cycle, i know im hurting my family, putting my freedom at risk, health at risk and basically getting nowhere in life, but u dont think of those things when your a lathargic depressed couch potatoe with no ambition. ive been sent to inpatient rehab as a condition of parole and a follow up outpatient program so i have some education on all of this but im just sick of the circle. if money grew on trees and the law wasnt always lurking around the corner id probably do dope forever, i can express myself so much better when im juiced, otherwise im struggling for the right words, that alone brings on the depression and anxiety of being sober. now im reading all these post about getting stuck on the subs, which is the last thing i want. can i..can't i..do short term subs? who knows? not me. no solid info either way so far. anyway, hope nobody minds my directionless ranting in this post ...i got no sleep all night, and was 1st day back on the subs again. -Maybe This Wagon Will Have Round Wheels
If you plan it right, you can do short term sub detox, but it sounds like you like the life
Wendy
Wendy
Round wheels it is.....expressing that ya know it's a crazy, nutted out life I think speaks that you want to get clean....like ya said you are educated from rehab and all so you know that deal.
Man, that anxiety is wicked.......then ya got the depression for the first time, huh?.......like every kick is different I think unfortunately it hit ya this time...that deep black hole........yeah it totaly s*cks.
You are right about the cop/do it/socialize part.....seriously I think I knw what that is.....cause I LOVED THAT!!!!!!!!! LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Money hits the hand and varoom, ya get all thrilled, and ya see the cop man.......do it up....then chit chat with the other addicts.......wahoooooo...right?
That is because you're very good at that......you're on top of the copping/dope thing.......you are a master of pulling loot from places there is none, and you just may well be the best heroin addicts out there.....that's what I believed and I think why I loved that.....could be for you too, huh?
Ain't it the truth? You can talk to anyone, and have no self-esteem issues when high......all is right with the world.
UNTIL.......yer tail winds up back in prison.......or even worse an OD.....that will hurt your family far worse than anything else.......bottom line and I know it sounds cliche ya need to want this.......you need to want to get clean and stay clean.......that sickness ain't the hard part......just my opinion though.
Staying clean is........sorry I don't know about the subbies......you can do this though.......that ain't no way to live........it's a crazy cycle.....right?
Hope ya hop back on here..........you surely can do this....you have to want to be good to you........worry about the motivation later.....right now ya can motivate to kick and stay kicked........that black hole goes away.....I promise you it does.....we all had it on here........it goes away....hang tight, K?
Man, that anxiety is wicked.......then ya got the depression for the first time, huh?.......like every kick is different I think unfortunately it hit ya this time...that deep black hole........yeah it totaly s*cks.
You are right about the cop/do it/socialize part.....seriously I think I knw what that is.....cause I LOVED THAT!!!!!!!!! LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Money hits the hand and varoom, ya get all thrilled, and ya see the cop man.......do it up....then chit chat with the other addicts.......wahoooooo...right?
That is because you're very good at that......you're on top of the copping/dope thing.......you are a master of pulling loot from places there is none, and you just may well be the best heroin addicts out there.....that's what I believed and I think why I loved that.....could be for you too, huh?
Ain't it the truth? You can talk to anyone, and have no self-esteem issues when high......all is right with the world.
UNTIL.......yer tail winds up back in prison.......or even worse an OD.....that will hurt your family far worse than anything else.......bottom line and I know it sounds cliche ya need to want this.......you need to want to get clean and stay clean.......that sickness ain't the hard part......just my opinion though.
Staying clean is........sorry I don't know about the subbies......you can do this though.......that ain't no way to live........it's a crazy cycle.....right?
Hope ya hop back on here..........you surely can do this....you have to want to be good to you........worry about the motivation later.....right now ya can motivate to kick and stay kicked........that black hole goes away.....I promise you it does.....we all had it on here........it goes away....hang tight, K?
4, how ya making out?
