just wondering...
it just seems that each of your successive threads alert everyone to the fact that each day you are one step closer to the edge...your avatar even depicts 'man's best friend' with a hypo in its jaws (don't know how the moderators missed that one)....
okay...this site defines itself as 'Addiction Recovery Guide:Message Board"....granted all that contribute here are in various stages of recovery and free to vent on any given topic...cause we all know it is really the small petty day to day sh** that keeps us out there than the overwhelming cataclysmic end of the world type stuff....geez even the so called 'normal' sober folks can't handle the terrible shape the world is in at present as a whole.
TINman....if you were really ready to pull the plug so to speak or give your life over completely to the goddess of Heroin then why would you seek out a website devoted to recovery when you know you are just going to get love and concern from others advising you not to throw in the proverbial towel...wouldn't that mess with your 'high' too much and kinda take some of the climax out of it?
it is pretty obvious that you really don't want to die and there is a tiny little voice in you that knows that you can get clean because there have been others down darker roads than the path you keep choosing that thought it couldn't be done and they did done did it.
okay.....really simple question....just name one simple thing that has prevented you from 'checking out'....it could be anything....even if it is mundane as missing having a nice cup of hot tea or there was something on television you wanted to see next week..
i know this sounds silly to you....but in reality as strong as you think that drug dragon is to slay and you feel you are powerless at this point to even try........each day you stay alive and come here to b**** and moan about it.....that means the drug dragon is weaker and less powerful and the sword not the needle is slowly becoming your weapon of choice..
once an addict always an addict...i made 20 years clean
this past Saturday and i am still an addict and always will
be...but in recovery..
hope i didn't offend you in anyway
Sincerely MARY
thanks mary, after the morning i have had, your post really spelt it out to me.
watch this space.....i am now, more than i have ever been in the past ready for the final destination.
sure ive tried before, tablets, wrists, even a s*** load of gear didnt do it....but that was coz i didnt wanna do it,not really, your right there, an yeah loads of people wiv probz far worse than me have tried an succeeded in ending it, its just that i did have a few things to live for in the past, but now? nothing. thanks for your post coz it has helped me decide that i will do the right thing...but you see id luv to be able to throw myself under a train, but im so weak minded that i cant do that im afraid, not sober anyway, but i do know this, every wednesday i get 14zopiclone tablets and 14 amytriptaline tablets, the past few weeks i have been taking say, 4 of each an a couple of cans of strong larger, i dont know what the hell i am doing when i am on these tablets, i wake up somewhere an the last 5 or 6 hours before i fell asleep were copmpletley gone, in other words i can do anything an i won''t know anything about it, hell i even slashed my wrists the other week an woke up an thought who done that? I dont remeber the pain, i don't remember picking up the blade, nothing. so that will be the path i will tread tommorow, take them pills an i can fly..literally. My mum always said i was a fantastic actor an i made a drama out of everything, will this aint no acting an this aint no drama, itz real life an soon its gonna be d**th.
thanks again mary, you have been a massive help.
watch this space.....i am now, more than i have ever been in the past ready for the final destination.
sure ive tried before, tablets, wrists, even a s*** load of gear didnt do it....but that was coz i didnt wanna do it,not really, your right there, an yeah loads of people wiv probz far worse than me have tried an succeeded in ending it, its just that i did have a few things to live for in the past, but now? nothing. thanks for your post coz it has helped me decide that i will do the right thing...but you see id luv to be able to throw myself under a train, but im so weak minded that i cant do that im afraid, not sober anyway, but i do know this, every wednesday i get 14zopiclone tablets and 14 amytriptaline tablets, the past few weeks i have been taking say, 4 of each an a couple of cans of strong larger, i dont know what the hell i am doing when i am on these tablets, i wake up somewhere an the last 5 or 6 hours before i fell asleep were copmpletley gone, in other words i can do anything an i won''t know anything about it, hell i even slashed my wrists the other week an woke up an thought who done that? I dont remeber the pain, i don't remember picking up the blade, nothing. so that will be the path i will tread tommorow, take them pills an i can fly..literally. My mum always said i was a fantastic actor an i made a drama out of everything, will this aint no acting an this aint no drama, itz real life an soon its gonna be d**th.
thanks again mary, you have been a massive help.
Dear Tinman,
I was reading through a booklet that was sent to me from the Salesian Missions entitled "Keep Hope in Your Heart". When I read the following one, I thought of you and wanted to share it with you. I hope you don't mind.
Someone Loves Us
In times of deep discouragement
And when we're filled with fear,
Someone understands our plight
And holds us very near.
Someone has the answers
When a solution we must find,
Someone has an outstretched hand
And is both merciful and kind.
Someone listens to our pleas
And stands steadfastly by our side
As long as we abide in Him
Amid still waters or rushing tides.
Someone very special cares for us
And will see us through
When the thunderstorms rumble
And our days are dreary and blue.
This "Someone" is our Father
In Heaven up above -
Let us daily feel His presence...
Because by this Someone we are loved.
Linda C. Grazulis
I was reading through a booklet that was sent to me from the Salesian Missions entitled "Keep Hope in Your Heart". When I read the following one, I thought of you and wanted to share it with you. I hope you don't mind.
Someone Loves Us
In times of deep discouragement
And when we're filled with fear,
Someone understands our plight
And holds us very near.
Someone has the answers
When a solution we must find,
Someone has an outstretched hand
And is both merciful and kind.
Someone listens to our pleas
And stands steadfastly by our side
As long as we abide in Him
Amid still waters or rushing tides.
Someone very special cares for us
And will see us through
When the thunderstorms rumble
And our days are dreary and blue.
This "Someone" is our Father
In Heaven up above -
Let us daily feel His presence...
Because by this Someone we are loved.
Linda C. Grazulis
TinMan
Whatever you do- or dont do - keep in touch
jack
Whatever you do- or dont do - keep in touch
jack
You know i came here 3 months before i got clean. The 1st 3 months here i posted mostly high. I kind of felt like TINman I knew I wanted things to be better I could not figure out how to get out of YEARS of using. I'm so newly clean almost 2 years i remember well the going out scoring dope then still not feeling good and coming here and just wondering why i could not get it together. I do understand in a way TINman why you would do the things you do. I am greatful everyday that I went to the methadone clinic I stoped using. It was easy to stop but getting to that point where i had 3 days 9 days 5 months sober was so hard & still is. I think maybe Mary "congrats on the 20 years" that's a amazing thing.....but 20 years later do you remember the desprate, depression, of the early days of recovery? it's real heavy chit. I don't like to sugar coat stuff but, the people still struggling still using "TINman" are the ones who need this board the most. With that said TINman do keep us updated. You already know what not to do and that's a start. I need to tell you death is not the better option. I sought this board out even when my life was consumed by heroin. I knew what i was doing was headed nowhere I honestly did not know what to do about it. Sounds so dumb it is as simple as just not doing it but, when your in it you can't see the forest for the trees.
Excellent post, Zerogirl! I'm sure it will help Tinman to hear that you were in the same place as him and it IS possible to get free.
Please let us know how you're doing, Tinman. We care!
Love,
Susan
Please let us know how you're doing, Tinman. We care!
Love,
Susan
Tinman, What I think is great is that although you may b**** and moan and dramatize, as your mum told you, underneathe it all you're still reaching out. Man, if you compared my daughter today to how she was 18 months ago, she'd have gotten an acadamy award too for her over-the-top antics...including the cutting episodes. Today I have no doubt that she never wanted to die, but I also have no doubt at the time she didn't know that...cause she was too high. so you keep moaning and bitching and over-dramatizing...cause to me it means you're still in the game. One day you will get to the point where you'll say to yourself, "this is a load of s***e" and give sobriety a shot...and you'll like it. We all verbalize and state the worst and go round and round before we make a change in our lives no matter what the circumstance. I feel it's a good thing, not a load of s***. We all have to start somewhere....Remember way back when the high was so good that it never crossed your mind to want to quit??? You're in the phase where the high isn't worth it anymore but you haven't yet convinced YOURSELF it's lost it's magic....You will though, and this is part of that process. People who don't want to change don't even entertain the thought that they're sick of it...you're half way there. luv corrinne
TIN,
Underneath the pain is:
Life
Love
Happiness
Newness
A beautiful struggle
and most importantly......................YOU! HOLD ON!
Underneath the pain is:
Life
Love
Happiness
Newness
A beautiful struggle
and most importantly......................YOU! HOLD ON!
Tinman, I just want to say to you that I hope you dont give up hope or stop osting, your posts help me , if only to remind me of the desperation I once felt.....to remember how so much I wanted to die........how i attempted o end my life but Thankfully was spared by God.........I was a dirty lowdown junkie, who stole, lied and hurt so many ppl who love and care for me..........but today i am nearly three yrs clean........I had fallen and tried to get up mny many times without success...hated myself, felt like such a failure,but the desire............the DESIRE, which you have is what kept me trying, and i finally succeeded.you can too.........this is a journey < a process, a word i so often hated hearing>......you want this, I can "hear" it in your posts.......it is attainable.......so many of us how felt like you did, failed at succeeding as you feel you do, but you can do it........it may not b inthe time you want, but please dont give up hope.........your son needs you, we on this board need to hear from you.please keep trying, keep posting........
I have dne somany horrible things, been a horrible person, and i could spend my life full of regrets and beatng myself up, still have days i do in fact.but in truth all I and you can do is start from today , this minute and try to do better........and when we dont succeed.to just start over and keep trying again......every second of our lives is another chance to try..........please keep trying........
I have dne somany horrible things, been a horrible person, and i could spend my life full of regrets and beatng myself up, still have days i do in fact.but in truth all I and you can do is start from today , this minute and try to do better........and when we dont succeed.to just start over and keep trying again......every second of our lives is another chance to try..........please keep trying........
Dear Tinman,
Please change your avatar. It makes me sick to my stomach! I am praying for you. Hope to hear from you soon!
Love,
Susan
Please change your avatar. It makes me sick to my stomach! I am praying for you. Hope to hear from you soon!
Love,
Susan
Alright..Tin...look how many folks have reached out and said youve got a life ,you may feel alone in yer struggle but mate i tell ya your not,ive gone thru it and so many others on this great forum as well,just try and chill a bit and try to see the positives in life.
As for the zoplicone&booze ive have also been down that road,i never did nothing crazy ,apart from burning holes all over me clothes,but i do understand the lost hours you described.
Just take care....Davey
As for the zoplicone&booze ive have also been down that road,i never did nothing crazy ,apart from burning holes all over me clothes,but i do understand the lost hours you described.
Just take care....Davey
Tinman I don't know you but read your posts. I'm an alcoholic not an addict I know its not quite the same but....
maybe this'll help.
I use a scale for how I feel 1 - 100. With 1 being literally suicidal, putting the gun in the mouth sort of thing and 100 being nirvana.
In my days of heavy drinking I was consistently at around 20 - 25 on my scale. I wanted to die, wished I were dead - wouldn't have actually attempted suicide but would've been happy not to wake up in the morning.
Now I have been working on my sobriety for about a year now. Heaps of slips and relapses including (telling on myself now) last week and weekend i drank again. But over this year I've had more sober time than in the last 20 years. I had several months sober this last effort.
And just with that amount of sobriety I am consistently around 50 - 60 on my scale most days. I haven't been down to a 20 in about 6 months.
That is HUGE for me. To wake up and not be sorry that I'm still alive. To know that even on a s***ty day I'm still glad to be alive. TinMan it is a miracle for sure -
TinMan you are probably sitting round a 1 - 5 on my scale right now - pretty low. Imagine if you were able to get up to a 20-25? That would be a huge improvement for you. What about a 30? See its all comparative. I jumped up about 30 points on my happiness meter in less than a year. All I'm saying it is possible. Its possible to be sooo low and yet climb up, even a little at a time. You've just got to hang on.
I tell myself wow if I can get to a 55 on just a few months sobriety imagine how I'll feel when I get it together sufficiently to get a year up? "And I know that its possible. As long as I'm alive its possible. And as long as you're alive its possible too.
Keep talking to the people here TinMan keep talking, keep breathing, keep hoping and keep believing.
Idgie.
maybe this'll help.
I use a scale for how I feel 1 - 100. With 1 being literally suicidal, putting the gun in the mouth sort of thing and 100 being nirvana.
In my days of heavy drinking I was consistently at around 20 - 25 on my scale. I wanted to die, wished I were dead - wouldn't have actually attempted suicide but would've been happy not to wake up in the morning.
Now I have been working on my sobriety for about a year now. Heaps of slips and relapses including (telling on myself now) last week and weekend i drank again. But over this year I've had more sober time than in the last 20 years. I had several months sober this last effort.
And just with that amount of sobriety I am consistently around 50 - 60 on my scale most days. I haven't been down to a 20 in about 6 months.
That is HUGE for me. To wake up and not be sorry that I'm still alive. To know that even on a s***ty day I'm still glad to be alive. TinMan it is a miracle for sure -
TinMan you are probably sitting round a 1 - 5 on my scale right now - pretty low. Imagine if you were able to get up to a 20-25? That would be a huge improvement for you. What about a 30? See its all comparative. I jumped up about 30 points on my happiness meter in less than a year. All I'm saying it is possible. Its possible to be sooo low and yet climb up, even a little at a time. You've just got to hang on.
I tell myself wow if I can get to a 55 on just a few months sobriety imagine how I'll feel when I get it together sufficiently to get a year up? "And I know that its possible. As long as I'm alive its possible. And as long as you're alive its possible too.
Keep talking to the people here TinMan keep talking, keep breathing, keep hoping and keep believing.
Idgie.
Hey tinman, should there be any doubt in your mind that heroin is the final step...follow on this link www.89acres.org
God Bless you and help you get and stay clean
Opa
God Bless you and help you get and stay clean
Opa
