Hey guys!
This is my first post. I have been lurking and reading up on a lot of things, including the boards.
I am 34 years old and have always had a love for booze since I was.....I guess 14 or so. Up until I was about 24 or 25 it didn't become a problem. All through high school and college it was one of those things where you did it on the weekends with your friends.
Looking back on it started around the mid-1990's. I would go through a case of beer a week. I LOVE beer. It created problems with my roomate at the time, This was around 1995 or 1996, but considering she practically lived on pot I didn't see where she had a right to talk. I would even drink her booze and there were points where she had to hide some of it. I would drink just about anything back then but it was usually beer. Nowadays it's ONLY beer and it has been that way for a few years now.
Anyway, my drinking was becoming a problem so was my inability to keep a job at the time, so she made me move out. We are still very close though.
So I got another apartment and my boyfriend at the time moved in with me. I started drinking more and more. Hell I even stole liquor from liquor stores at the time. The drinking was obviously getting worse. There were some other issues but we moved out of that apartment before getting evicted and moved in with my parents for about a year. I stopped for a while and was able to function normally. Finally we got another apartment and I found a stable job that I kept for 5 years. I stopped smoking (and haven't touched a cigarette in 8 years....yay!) and controlled the drinking down to a weekend thing again. Life was good.
My boyfriend at the time moved out in early 2002 out of state for a new job.....so I took on the task of paying all the bills myself, running up credit card debt, you get the picture. We eventually ended things (due to the long-distance thing not working) and we are still good friends today. Anyway, the drinking was still controlled but the stress was building. Still, I was able to keep a job and function just like a normal person. Still, I was slowly drinking more and more by the end of the year.
In early 2003 I was seeing another guy which unfortunately ended in something disasterous and evil which I won't get into details right now. In a nutshell it involved him poisoning my two cats at the time and stalking/harrassing me for the course of almost two years (he hasn't bothered me in 11 months now). Most of the "stalking" was online, but he would also leave notes on my car, etc.
Anyway it was very traumatic and disturbing, and that is when my drinking escalated......BIG TIME!
Around mid-2003 I quit my job to move out of state for another job, which turned out I didn't get. I moved in with a friend of mine who I hadn't really known very long. In a nutshell we didn't get along. I was drinking everyday and although she never abused alcohol she had her own personal issues. In wasn't a good living situation, and there was always tension and fights. I lived with her for 3 months and then moved back home and in with my parents which I have been since. THAT friend, by the way, is one of my best friends and we have gotten along for a long time now and talk all the time. She, unfortunately has a problem with pills now and I believe is posting somewhere on this board as well. We try to help each other get off all this s*** but it's like the pot leading the kettle. Actually, I drank whatever booze she had too, and there were times she would come home and find me passed out in from of the computer. Sick. Just sick.
Anyway, I have been pretty much drinking everyday for at least 2 years now. I have lied to my friends, my family. I almost lost another good friend after she told me she would end the friendship if I didn't stop. I did stop, for about a 3 days. Nowadays I don't bring it up to her since I don't want her to worry. My parents told me to never bring booze in the house but I did anyway...sneaking it in like a 16 year-old would after a party. Within the last year or so I have started drinking in the mornings, on my way to work (Thank god I have never got a DUI) DURING work, on my way home from work, and all evening until I pass out.
I don't go out to bars, but when I meet friends for lunch or dinner at a restaurant I usually knock them down. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and a bunch of friends and I met up at a Hard Rock Cafe. I was drinking like a fish. When I saw my bill it was around $55, and only $9 was food! I had about 9 beers and wasn't even really drunk, just very buzzed. Otherwise I drink alone.
The drinking has affected my life, my mind, my cares, and is probably messing up my body as we speak. If I don't have alcohol in me I start getting the shakes sometimes, mucsle spasms, etc. I always feel sick. Hell I can barely eat!
I guess it got REALLY bad to the point where I couldn't go back to work about 2-3 weeks ago for a couple of days when someone I really loved, this guy I had been seeing on and off for about a year, ended things. It made me deal with feelings I had never had to deal with (falling so hard for someone) so I just basically numbed them. In the meantime my job cut my hours.
We would only see each other whenever we were in the same town, every couple of months or so, but even then the booze was becoming a problem, and he questioned me over it. Then again it was the pot leading the kettle. He's not a drinker but he's practically stoned from pot most of the time.
There was one time we were travelling together in California. It was 7am in the morning and we were headed to a theme park in L.A. I was downing beers IN the car while he was smoking. Nice picture, huh? Later that night we went to a friend's party and I was so drunk that I don't even remember 75% of it. Luckily I didn't really do anything stupid. I basically took a "nap" and almost fell over several times. I almost set this friend's wooden fence on fire! I think that was probably the most wasted I have ever been, then again I had been drinking on and off since 7am.
Anyway we are still friends as well, but I have wrote him some very strange emails in the last few weeks and don't even remember half of it. There are times I have chatted with my friends (most of them live out of state) online or on the phone and don't remember the conversations. I have never been a nasty drunk. I have never danced naked on top of a bar. LOL! I am always just REAL sleepy and chilled out, and will mouth off if I am in a bad mood. I have never been violent thank God.
I don't smoke anymore. I don't do drugs, although I will pop a pain pill once in a blue moon for fun or take a hit off of a joint, but only when I meet up with an out-of-town friend. I have "tried" several things when I was younger, including acid, speed, and cocaine but luckily they didn't stick with me. Drugs just don't do it for me. They never have.
Alcohol is my poison, big time. Both my parents don't drink and never have really. My dad would have like a beer a year on vacation and my mom for a while would drink a glass of wine (doctors orders) but that's been years. My brother doesn't drink accept the occasional beer.....maybe once a month if that.
Alcoholism DOES run in our family, though. More so on my mom's side. Her mom, and all her siblings were alcoholics. Most of my cousin's are alcoholics or recovering alcoholics. It goes WAY back in her family. As far as my dad's side the only one I know of is my uncle, but he's been recovering for about 20 years now. My paternal grandparents never drank, and as far as I know none of those cousins have issues.
So it's hit me big time, and I am sick and tired of being sick, physically and mentally. I think my parents (they are out of state now until April) suspect but they have never confronted me. My brother has no clue really. I have been to a few AA meetings recently but I haven't said a word, just listened. This is really the first time I have announced it publicly......that I am an alcoholic BIG TIME! I don't have any trouble saying it and have said it numerous times to the few friends that DO know how bad it is.
I don't have any health insurance so doctors, rehab, that s*** is out of the question. I know it's killing me but I love the s***, but it's destroying me....physically, financially, and emotionally. It's not even "fun" anymore like it used to be. My short-term memory is messed up, and like I said start feeling physical pain and anxiety when I am NOT buzzed. I am drinking and driving, in a NEW car no less.
So I have been an a****** lying to my friends, family, everyone I love. My parents have been putting up with my s*** for years. I have a TON of guilt over it.
I directly and indirectly blame the booze for everything......for me not doing something I want to do in life (as far as a stable career) to my money problems to a ton of things. I am really surprised I am not dead. I am only 34 but I feel like I am 60.
So that's my story. Thanks for letting me rant. I am not sure what to do at this point.
-Dragstergirl
Hi Dragstergirl,
Welcome to the board. Sounds like your in the right place. And you said it...Alcohol is your poison cause thats what it is. Keep going to AA meetings, they saved my life. As far as not having insurance....there are alot of programs out there that can help out. My husband had insurance (hes and alkie/addict as well) when he went to rehab...but the insurance comp. turned him down..so they did it another way. He got a grant for a 33 day program. There is hope and it does get better. Its good your posting , keep doing so. My email is at the bottom if you ever want to use it...just put your screen name in the subject line so I'll know who it is...anyway just wanted to welcome you and say that your not alone....
take care
gi :)
Welcome to the board. Sounds like your in the right place. And you said it...Alcohol is your poison cause thats what it is. Keep going to AA meetings, they saved my life. As far as not having insurance....there are alot of programs out there that can help out. My husband had insurance (hes and alkie/addict as well) when he went to rehab...but the insurance comp. turned him down..so they did it another way. He got a grant for a 33 day program. There is hope and it does get better. Its good your posting , keep doing so. My email is at the bottom if you ever want to use it...just put your screen name in the subject line so I'll know who it is...anyway just wanted to welcome you and say that your not alone....
take care
gi :)
Welcome Dragstergirl, You are in the right place and are an alcoholic of my kind of making...I so related to your story...thanks for posting it sure reminded me of what it was like and has kept me sober one more day! I'm wondering if you live in SoCal (Los Angeles), if so, there are a ton of terrific AA meetings in the area...let me know and I can let you know where they are. AA has saved my life....I hope you are done...it took me 28 years of drinking to finally be done, and I don't wish that on you...if I can do it you can too!
Welcome Dragster Girl
If you are seriously sick and tired of being sick and tired and you have
run out of ideas, options and excuses. There is a Soultion
When I finally admitted and accepted that I was an alcoholic and with that admittance also can the understanding that none of my ways ( of trying to
get sober by myself ) had worked.... and I did not have a friggin clue about
how to get and stay sober......I then made a commitment to listen to what
sober AA members had to say and to do the things their way. It wasn't easy
to keep that commitment or do the things they suggested. I did a lot of
bitching at first but I didn't drink and I just kept putting one foot in front
of the other.
I had to hang out in the rooms of AA. I had to associate with clean and
sober people. I had to listen to their suggestions and start doing what
these people were asking me to do. Whether I liked it or not!!! I had to follow their lead. I had to make some major changes in my life...it took time, pursuerverance, dedication and hard work!!! (Action) on my part!!!
I suggest you consider making the effort to find a 12 Step support group
------ AA -------.and then accept the help they'll offer you
nba5150
If you are seriously sick and tired of being sick and tired and you have
run out of ideas, options and excuses. There is a Soultion
When I finally admitted and accepted that I was an alcoholic and with that admittance also can the understanding that none of my ways ( of trying to
get sober by myself ) had worked.... and I did not have a friggin clue about
how to get and stay sober......I then made a commitment to listen to what
sober AA members had to say and to do the things their way. It wasn't easy
to keep that commitment or do the things they suggested. I did a lot of
bitching at first but I didn't drink and I just kept putting one foot in front
of the other.
I had to hang out in the rooms of AA. I had to associate with clean and
sober people. I had to listen to their suggestions and start doing what
these people were asking me to do. Whether I liked it or not!!! I had to follow their lead. I had to make some major changes in my life...it took time, pursuerverance, dedication and hard work!!! (Action) on my part!!!
I suggest you consider making the effort to find a 12 Step support group
------ AA -------.and then accept the help they'll offer you
nba5150
VW Girl, I actually live in West Virginia, but I do travel quite a bit. I get out to SoCal at least once every couple of years. My last visit was this past March. I am a huge amusement park/roller coaster enthusiast. I usually stay sober when I am at parks. It's a better high than booze. :-)
Anyway, my whole problem with the few AA meetings I have been to is getting myself to talk as I am uncomfortable in front of strangers. I have NO problem admitting that I am an alcoholic, and that is pretty much all I have said.
It took me a while to decide to post here, but just reading everyone's stories made me realize that I am not alone.
So how are you guys going to handle New Year's? Booze is everywhere. I told my friend that if she quit the pills on the 1st then I would quit the booze for good and attend regular AA meetings if she went to NA.
Anyway, my whole problem with the few AA meetings I have been to is getting myself to talk as I am uncomfortable in front of strangers. I have NO problem admitting that I am an alcoholic, and that is pretty much all I have said.
It took me a while to decide to post here, but just reading everyone's stories made me realize that I am not alone.
So how are you guys going to handle New Year's? Booze is everywhere. I told my friend that if she quit the pills on the 1st then I would quit the booze for good and attend regular AA meetings if she went to NA.
Good Morning DG, I know that I couldn't talk much either when I was first intro'd to AA over 20 years ago...but I couldn't listen either. If you go all you have to do is listen and the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking, a desire....try to go to a few meetings with an honest conviction, open mind and willingness (you can remember these things by using the acronym HOW). Maybe just reach out to a couple of women and get their phone numbers and call them daily just to check in...that's what I did...but for me to really get this thing, this one day at time concept I had to surrender....I had to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable....are you there yet? Because if you are, that is Step 1. It's great that you want to make that sober pact with your friend, however, for me, I had to get sober for myself...nobody else, not the kids, the job, nothing, just myself...remember nothing changes if nothing changes...give a AA a try...let me know if you need my assistance in finding meetings in your area or need some AA literature. Truly, I would not be posting this message to you right now if on 22 Nov '03 (my sobriety date) I did not completely surrender to this disease and become willing to go to any length to get and stay sober. Best of luck....oh btw, there are many sober activities in the area where I live...we have great dances with bands at our Alano clubs here...so much fun... and a little beach town near my home throws a sober New Year's eve party....it's so cool, so most likely in your area there is something to do w/o alcohol...even so, just buy Martinelli's ~ it tastes good and you don't have to feel like sh** in the morning, imagine that? No hangover, no throwing up, no headache, no dehydration, no not remembering what you did the night before because of being in a blackout....in exchange for a bottle and a hangover you have a solution that is within reach for you, I urge you to grasp it...I care about my fellow alcoholics and addicts whether you are in recovery or still active in your disease...know that I am willing to help. You never have to feel the way you are feeling again...there is hope, there is a solution.
Oh I have no trouble admitting to how my life is unmanageable and the alcohol has taken over.
Feeling like s***........hangovers, headaches, dehydration, unable to eat properly........story of my life.
I did go to an AA meeting this morning but the only thing I really said was that I am sick of being sick and I am sick of hurting people/being an a******.
I was drunk all through New Year's, and hurt a really good friend of mine when I showed her this thread. She knew I had a problem and thought I had it under control. I had lied to her the entire time about my recent drinking, especially about drinking and driving. She's beyond pissed at me which I don't blame her but I felt I had to come clean, in more ways in one.
I finished off my last beers sometime in the wee hours of Jan. 1. I went to sleep and then woke up craving booze. I didn't drink, and haven't since then. The withdrawls are already setting in and it's horrible. But at least I am sober.
Feeling like s***........hangovers, headaches, dehydration, unable to eat properly........story of my life.
I did go to an AA meeting this morning but the only thing I really said was that I am sick of being sick and I am sick of hurting people/being an a******.
I was drunk all through New Year's, and hurt a really good friend of mine when I showed her this thread. She knew I had a problem and thought I had it under control. I had lied to her the entire time about my recent drinking, especially about drinking and driving. She's beyond pissed at me which I don't blame her but I felt I had to come clean, in more ways in one.
I finished off my last beers sometime in the wee hours of Jan. 1. I went to sleep and then woke up craving booze. I didn't drink, and haven't since then. The withdrawls are already setting in and it's horrible. But at least I am sober.
Hi Dragster Girl,
I know what you are going through at the moment, Nothing I can say will make it feel any better, But you will feel better once you get through the withdrawls part, I havent had a drink in nearly 11 mths now!
I done it hard for the first month with withdrawls etc, but there is light at the end of it belive me,Just stick in there,
Take care Ginge
I know what you are going through at the moment, Nothing I can say will make it feel any better, But you will feel better once you get through the withdrawls part, I havent had a drink in nearly 11 mths now!
I done it hard for the first month with withdrawls etc, but there is light at the end of it belive me,Just stick in there,
Take care Ginge
Hi Dragster
How are you today?
How are you today?
Hi DG, How goes it? Wow, that's great that you made it to a meeting, have you been able to get another one? Check back in with us...Lord knows, if we can do it you can too! There is hope!
I went to another one this morning. I was pissed off but glad I could talk some more. I mostly talked about how much guilt I had with the drinking and about my recent heartbreak. Wait till I mention the cat killer/stalker guy. That should get a "WTF?" from people. lol.
The withdrawls are still terrible, but I am sober. I am restless, aggravated, pissed off, unable to concentrate, guilt-ridden, unable to sleep or eat. The shakes are bad. I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I didn't realize how dangerous and addictive this s*** was to be honest. I didn't know it could have such an effect on me physically.
The withdrawls are still terrible, but I am sober. I am restless, aggravated, pissed off, unable to concentrate, guilt-ridden, unable to sleep or eat. The shakes are bad. I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I didn't realize how dangerous and addictive this s*** was to be honest. I didn't know it could have such an effect on me physically.
DG
It will pass. In a few days you'll feel better physically. Good for you for going back for a meeting. Have you gotten a Big Book? Do you have phone numbers from the women? You might want to check out the pamphlet on sponsorship. Take care.
love ya
Kat
It will pass. In a few days you'll feel better physically. Good for you for going back for a meeting. Have you gotten a Big Book? Do you have phone numbers from the women? You might want to check out the pamphlet on sponsorship. Take care.
love ya
Kat
Good Morning DG, I'm glad you made it to another meeting...that shows willingness. Believe me anything you share at meeting or perhaps confide to another woman on the Program has most likely been heard before. We all have our "war" stories...believe me I've plenty inasmuch as I led a double life for 28 years....working in Corporate America by day, raising two daughters, married with a mini van...then dope fiend/alcoholic by night then eventually the latter won out and I could no longer even carry out the dual roles. Physically, it is hard, I know because I didn't go to rehab...I sweat it, shook it out, puked it out in the rooms of AA. Everyone there loved me until I could love myself. Day by day it will get better physically, the night sweats and the sleeplessness may take a little while to get better but hang on...no one ever died from lack of sleep or night sweats or the shakes, but if you are highly uncomfortable you may want to seek medical care, but be honest and let them know you are an alcoholic. I checked in for about a week with an Addictionologist to have my vitals checked every morning. Life can and will get better for you if you don't drink no matter what...no matter what. You're doing great.
Hearing the horror stories in AA has pretty much kept me clean since January 1st.
The cravings and withdrawl symptoms are still there but it doesn't hurt as much.
I had the MUCH dreaded task of telling my parents this morning. They are out of state right now and we email each other. I told them I had to come clean, in more ways than one.
I told them everything. I think they probably suspected it all along so it shouldn't be too much of a bomb. I just don't think they knew how MUCH I was drinking, and that I was drinking and driving.
The cravings and withdrawl symptoms are still there but it doesn't hurt as much.
I had the MUCH dreaded task of telling my parents this morning. They are out of state right now and we email each other. I told them I had to come clean, in more ways than one.
I told them everything. I think they probably suspected it all along so it shouldn't be too much of a bomb. I just don't think they knew how MUCH I was drinking, and that I was drinking and driving.
I am right there with you. I quit drinking on Dec 20th. The withdrawls are pretty much gone exept I still had difficulty concentrating or making decisions last week. Hopefully it will be better this coming week as I have to resume life.
Since we are quitting at about the same time we should be able to help each other.
One thing that keeps me sober is not going wanting to go through withdrawls again. This applied even to day four or five since I didn't even want to have to do the first four or five days over again even.
Know what I mean?
Cailyn
Since we are quitting at about the same time we should be able to help each other.
One thing that keeps me sober is not going wanting to go through withdrawls again. This applied even to day four or five since I didn't even want to have to do the first four or five days over again even.
Know what I mean?
Cailyn
Anytime. That's why we are here and going to meetings.
Yeah, it's like your body saying "I want my booze back!" I would never wish this on anyone.
I heard back from my mom and she suspected it all along, she just didn't know how bad it was, and that I had been drinking and driving.
She wasn't upset at all and gave me a ton of support to keep up the meetings.
I told all my friends, everyone. My closest ones "suspected" it as they would question on how much I drank when we went out.
Alcoholism runs DEEP on my mom's side of the family but my mom never drank. Go figure! Her siblings and mother were all drunks and their deaths were either directly or indirectly involved with booze. Most of my cousins are drunks.
There is one that has been in AA for probably 20 years now. My mom is going to give me her email address. Yay!
Yeah, it's like your body saying "I want my booze back!" I would never wish this on anyone.
I heard back from my mom and she suspected it all along, she just didn't know how bad it was, and that I had been drinking and driving.
She wasn't upset at all and gave me a ton of support to keep up the meetings.
I told all my friends, everyone. My closest ones "suspected" it as they would question on how much I drank when we went out.
Alcoholism runs DEEP on my mom's side of the family but my mom never drank. Go figure! Her siblings and mother were all drunks and their deaths were either directly or indirectly involved with booze. Most of my cousins are drunks.
There is one that has been in AA for probably 20 years now. My mom is going to give me her email address. Yay!
DragsterGirl and Cailyn, Wow, so good to hear you guys are staying sober! Great! I've had an opportunity to talk to a few of my friends who got sober with me a couple of years ago (I met them on the Program) and they went back out...had to test the waters again, I guess....and as far as I can see I'm not missing anything...one is facing her 3rd DUI, one is living in a trailer with her Mom and drinking day in and day out and the other is trying to come back to the Program but her cravings are so intense she keeps continuosly relapsing and is very depressed. Not appealing to me in the least. DG, I am an alcoholic and my Mom isn't, but my Aunt is a Heroin addict and my Sister is a recovering pain pill addict. If we dig deep enough we'll find them in our family tree....Again, congrats to you both on doing the deal!
DG,
Glad to hear your family is so supportive. I haven't really told anyone yet.
Doesn't seem like to me that someone who has never been addicted to alcohol would understand. Neither one of my parents drank so I don't know where this came from. Perhaps nowhere- maybe I just drank too much and then got addicted just cause I overdid it.
Cailyn
Glad to hear your family is so supportive. I haven't really told anyone yet.
Doesn't seem like to me that someone who has never been addicted to alcohol would understand. Neither one of my parents drank so I don't know where this came from. Perhaps nowhere- maybe I just drank too much and then got addicted just cause I overdid it.
Cailyn
V W Girl,
I do not see how someone could start drinking again after they realize it is going to be a problem for them.
I don't really blame myself to much with this cause this is the first time I got hooked and the first I've quit.
It kinda snook up on me, and I didn't know I had such a propensity.
But if I went out and drank again now knowing what I know, that would be my own fault totally and on purpose.
I don't know which came first the chicken or the egg, but the way I see it once someone has been addicted to alcohol they shouldn't drink again. Whether someone either drank to much because they were an alcoholic or became alcoholic because they drank too much either way there is a lifelong sensitivity after that. It is all about staying away from that first drink!
Cailyn
I do not see how someone could start drinking again after they realize it is going to be a problem for them.
I don't really blame myself to much with this cause this is the first time I got hooked and the first I've quit.
It kinda snook up on me, and I didn't know I had such a propensity.
But if I went out and drank again now knowing what I know, that would be my own fault totally and on purpose.
I don't know which came first the chicken or the egg, but the way I see it once someone has been addicted to alcohol they shouldn't drink again. Whether someone either drank to much because they were an alcoholic or became alcoholic because they drank too much either way there is a lifelong sensitivity after that. It is all about staying away from that first drink!
Cailyn
Cailyn, You are amazingly aware although you are just newly sober. You've got fantastic insight. However, none of the Gals I know really thought it through (going out and getting drunk again)...one said she was completely defenseless and the other two had resentments they didn't deal with. I'm told resentment is our number one offender...holding on to them could be a death sentence for some alcoholics. I'll share a couple things with you: My sister was clean and sober off of coke and alcohol for seven years...she stopped working the program, stopped going to meetings, wasn't working any steps and picked up a drink...after that she became addicted to pain pills, got involved with Heroin also...so remember the disease of addiction is so cunning, baffling and powerful, I'm told it is always waiting at bay to resurface. Sadly, I learned today of a young man, 21 years old, who got clean and sober for about nine months ~ frequented the same Alano club I go to...they found him dead - he OD'd. This is the 2nd young man I heard of dying during this last week. Another guy is brain dead at one of our local hospitals, he had about six years, went out...perhaps had an alcohol induced stroke they think and will probably be taken off of life support very soon. None of us are exempt...that's why I work my program on a daily basis, if you can believe it a guy at our Alano club had close to thirty years and thought he could drink again...nope nearly killed himself, he will never be the same again. Keep doing what your doing...I'm proud of you!
