Once you have all the facts about addiction, you know what the probable outcome is if you stay with your addict. Why keep whining about they did this, they did that, I can't believe they did this, they fooled me again, etc. etc. Don't get caught up in THEIR drama.
Why not take the advice of those that have gone before you, and save yourself the heartache? Why try to reinvent the wheel.
Read all you can about breaking the sick cycle of being CODEPENDENT.
If an addict is still in active addiction- save yourself. If an addict is working a program, making progress, and truly attempting to stay clean- give them ONE and only ONE more chance.
Enableing and being codependent keeps them from hitting their own personal bottoms.
whining, if you can, please share your story.
You are SOOO right!!!
Bob,
My story is the same as every single one of us who have ever loved an addict. Don't you see they are all the same. They all use the same lies, the same manipulations, the same excuses, the same bull, over and over on everyone that comes into their lives.
And we all just believe that our love is so strong that we will change them, save them, help them, rescue them. And we give them chance after chance to prove themselves. And we are let down and disappointed over and over. We all think our addicts, our situations, our relationships are different. But, they are not.
If you read all the stories and change the drug of choice, the ages, the states, the length of time we have been with them. You are left with the same storyline in every single one of our cases. It's like watching the same bad soap opera over and over.
There are over one hundred thousand posts on just this forum alone from addicts and those that love them. BUT ONLY 11 SUCCESS STORIES. What does that tell you. I'm sure everyone cruises the web, lurking on other addiction boards. Of the hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people whose lives addiction has ruined, the percentage of those in recovery is small, very small.
How many time do we have to be used, fooled, stepped on, thrown away, dismissed, hurt, spit on, have our heads bashed in, to get it? The chances of a normal happy life with an addict are slim to none.
I only want to save somebody the anguish, pain, heartache that I and thousands of others have gone through. I was where many of you are for a couple of years, when I was crying out for help all I got is "oh, hon I'm so sorry you are going through this" that didn't help one bit. I didn't need my hand held. I needed reality and facts. Once I got them, it did not take long to make my decision, and I chose ME!
My story is the same as every single one of us who have ever loved an addict. Don't you see they are all the same. They all use the same lies, the same manipulations, the same excuses, the same bull, over and over on everyone that comes into their lives.
And we all just believe that our love is so strong that we will change them, save them, help them, rescue them. And we give them chance after chance to prove themselves. And we are let down and disappointed over and over. We all think our addicts, our situations, our relationships are different. But, they are not.
If you read all the stories and change the drug of choice, the ages, the states, the length of time we have been with them. You are left with the same storyline in every single one of our cases. It's like watching the same bad soap opera over and over.
There are over one hundred thousand posts on just this forum alone from addicts and those that love them. BUT ONLY 11 SUCCESS STORIES. What does that tell you. I'm sure everyone cruises the web, lurking on other addiction boards. Of the hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people whose lives addiction has ruined, the percentage of those in recovery is small, very small.
How many time do we have to be used, fooled, stepped on, thrown away, dismissed, hurt, spit on, have our heads bashed in, to get it? The chances of a normal happy life with an addict are slim to none.
I only want to save somebody the anguish, pain, heartache that I and thousands of others have gone through. I was where many of you are for a couple of years, when I was crying out for help all I got is "oh, hon I'm so sorry you are going through this" that didn't help one bit. I didn't need my hand held. I needed reality and facts. Once I got them, it did not take long to make my decision, and I chose ME!
thank GOD you are on here tonite. This is just what I need to hear, and I am with you 1000% My addict went to rehab Jan 14th, swore he was THROUGH with crack, and guess what? He is out tonite off and running. Your post is just what I wanted to hear. However, I do feel for those who have children with addictions. They cannot just kick them to the curb. But, I CAN. Bob, I Love you.. you have the patience of Job. However, I don't. I want to be happy in my life. I am 47 years old and sick of this. Over six years is WAY too much time to put up with this!!
Yes Cajungirl you are correct when it comes to your children with addictions, the bond is much different there. As a parent you must set boundries, but it is very important that you stick to the boundries you have set. Just like when they were little, they are expected to obey the rules of the house, bedtime, chores, curfews, etc.
Once they get older, those same rules of conduct are to be expected and enforced. Doing things that they are capable of doing for themselves is the worst thing you can do for a teenage or adult child. Nobody teaches their children to become addicts. Therefore, they have to unlearn these behaviors on their own.
By giving in to them, or allowing unacceptable actions or behavior, you are setting an example that you can be controlled or persuaded to do something that you do not want to do, or that is not good for them. That in turn lets them think they can push you even a little bit further the next time.
Once they get older, those same rules of conduct are to be expected and enforced. Doing things that they are capable of doing for themselves is the worst thing you can do for a teenage or adult child. Nobody teaches their children to become addicts. Therefore, they have to unlearn these behaviors on their own.
By giving in to them, or allowing unacceptable actions or behavior, you are setting an example that you can be controlled or persuaded to do something that you do not want to do, or that is not good for them. That in turn lets them think they can push you even a little bit further the next time.
please don't mis-interpret my post to whine.
i agree with everything that she said.
that's one of the reasons that i asked for her personal story.
for myself, i have already made up my mind late last year. and i'm living out the commitment. i will not live in the same house with an active addict or alcoholic now.
and i will never live in the same house with an active addict or alcoholic ever again.
in fact, i have no intention of ever living in the same house with a recovering adult addict or alcoholic again -- certainly not unless he or she has substantial clean time -- like years. and, from my experience, if i did, the nano-second bad behavoir started, he or she would be out of the house -- whether it was my spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, cousin, father, stepfather, godparent -- it really doesn't matter. maybe not out of sight or out of ear shot or out of my prayers -- but out of the house.
certainly not as long as a halfway house or a shelter was available somewhere on the planet.
i hit my personal bottom last year.
the question remains, where do we go from here ? and, like it or not, those who have lived with a person who have the disease of addiction have been affected by the experience. our thinking is not clear. that's why we need time to recover -- so we use detachment, 12 Steps, prayer, meditation, and all the other tools that we share with each other.
otherwise, we ourselves run the risk of using alcohol, sex, gambling, weed, other drugs, beer and such things to help us self-medicate and mask the problems we have been through or are going through.
AND THOSE ARE ALL DEAD ENDS.
also, many who get or stay in bad or dysfunctional relationships TEND TO REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN -- only with some other person. the next person. and then the next person.
and so, many of us pursue a spiritual life instead. because that's not a dead end. it's life. and peace. and contentment. and serenity. and hope. and clear thinking.
but Whine, Whine, Whine, each of us has to reach our own personal rock bottom in our own way and in our own time. i wish it were as simple as reading co-dependency materials, looking at the facts and stats and percentages and coming to a decision and WHAM, its done. in many cases, it's that simple. in most cases, other issues are involved and it's not that simple.
that's why i asked for your personal story. others can identify more readily with personal stories. and we are helped. and we are better able to remember.
now i'm not defending those who just cry and whine about their addict and obsess without being willing to do the work necessary to relieve the problem. some come here and do that. actually, i have no patience with them. or let me put it a different way, i have no more patience with them in their addiction to the addict in their life than i do with the admitted addict who does nothing to deal with their addiction to substances. and you won't find me spending a whole lot of time re-acting to all those blow by blow stories, etc. -- and i've heard them all over the years.
so whine, post your personal story if you can. i know we will learn from it and someone will be better for it.
cajungirl, you know that i care about you. and i'm sure you remember there were concerns when he came back after you booted him and evicted him before about him coming to "sleep on the couch" for a few days after his short rehab. at the time, he had every reason in the world not to go live in a halfway house -- even though there are hundreds of them all over the country. you are certainly justified in doing to him all that he deserves -- not in retribution, but in order to take of yourself and preserve and protect yourself. careful with the beer drinking in your own life -- that stuff never helped anybody, and usually only makes things worse.
it's Holy Saturday. let's all spend a few minutes in prayer and meditation today.
peace be with you.