Hi Charly how are you? You mentioned you had left your husband 6 months ago, does that get easier? I'm going through hell right now, I have dreams about him and wake up missing him so much. Its so tempting to just want to go back but I stop myself when I think of all the lies and pain he causes me. How did you do it? I feel so weak, I couldn't even go to work today. Alls I want to do is hug him again and be with him. This is horrible, I hate feeling like this. But I have to realize when is it enough? I can't go back just because I miss him and feel grief, thats the easy answer isn't it? How did you do it?
Hi Kittycat:
I know you wrote this to Charly, but I wanted to lend my experience on this part of my leaving my ex.
The first two weeks were absolute torture. I was devestated and in so much pain and missing the "good" part of him horribly. I had to take that time off of work. I was constantly crying. I kept thinking "what if I'm letting go of what could be the best thing of my life. What if I was giving up the love of my life?". And like you, it was made even harder because of him constantly calling and trying to pass it off as just another fight and everything should be fine and normal to begging me to take him back and all the promises that come with that. I went three months and it did start to get easier; however, during these 3 months, he made promises to stop drinking and stop smoking pot. He even started to go to counselling. This was made me do my last mistake. I went back. Mostly due to the fact that he was going to counselling and therefore showing a committment to helping himself. Big mistake. Within a month, not even, he stopped the counselling and said he didn't need it and it was a waste of money. Pretty soon, I was catching him smoking pot all the time and him constantly lying about it. The drinking also slowly resumed. Everything he did was just to get me back, but once I was back it quickly went away. He wasn't serious about any of it.
But I think the fact that I had broken away for 3 months had definitely helped me because it was soooo much easier to say forget it at that point and I knew it was for good and I was very confident in my decision. I knew he would never change and if he did, it would take way too long for me to wait for. I also started counselling during all this time and it helped me greatly.
I laugh now at the fact that I thought he could have been the love of my life and thank god that I was able to finally get away from him because love of my life was waiting for me around the corner. And I'm scared to think I could have missed him if I had of stayed in that horrible relationship.
Even with all the good times and sweetness inbetween the bad, I realize the relationship was indeed horrible.
Anyway, hang in there. It does get better. You just have to stay strong. Talk to your friends and family and have them help you stay away. It helps to get that resolve behind you. If you can afford any type of counselling, I would highly recommend that as well. They are unbiased and you will get a very objective opinion and it is all about you.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing!
Mickey
I know you wrote this to Charly, but I wanted to lend my experience on this part of my leaving my ex.
The first two weeks were absolute torture. I was devestated and in so much pain and missing the "good" part of him horribly. I had to take that time off of work. I was constantly crying. I kept thinking "what if I'm letting go of what could be the best thing of my life. What if I was giving up the love of my life?". And like you, it was made even harder because of him constantly calling and trying to pass it off as just another fight and everything should be fine and normal to begging me to take him back and all the promises that come with that. I went three months and it did start to get easier; however, during these 3 months, he made promises to stop drinking and stop smoking pot. He even started to go to counselling. This was made me do my last mistake. I went back. Mostly due to the fact that he was going to counselling and therefore showing a committment to helping himself. Big mistake. Within a month, not even, he stopped the counselling and said he didn't need it and it was a waste of money. Pretty soon, I was catching him smoking pot all the time and him constantly lying about it. The drinking also slowly resumed. Everything he did was just to get me back, but once I was back it quickly went away. He wasn't serious about any of it.
But I think the fact that I had broken away for 3 months had definitely helped me because it was soooo much easier to say forget it at that point and I knew it was for good and I was very confident in my decision. I knew he would never change and if he did, it would take way too long for me to wait for. I also started counselling during all this time and it helped me greatly.
I laugh now at the fact that I thought he could have been the love of my life and thank god that I was able to finally get away from him because love of my life was waiting for me around the corner. And I'm scared to think I could have missed him if I had of stayed in that horrible relationship.
Even with all the good times and sweetness inbetween the bad, I realize the relationship was indeed horrible.
Anyway, hang in there. It does get better. You just have to stay strong. Talk to your friends and family and have them help you stay away. It helps to get that resolve behind you. If you can afford any type of counselling, I would highly recommend that as well. They are unbiased and you will get a very objective opinion and it is all about you.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing!
Mickey
Thanks Mickey! Isn't it funny how we always think they are the love of our life? Thats what I think of my bf. I keep reminding myself how my ex of ten years and I broke up..it was devastating, it was hard for the first few months but I got over him and now I look back and wonder why I loved him in the first place. It was a good relationship but too many differences got in the way. I just feel like this time its different..because I love my addict so much and maybe I will never love anyone again, or no one will love me as much as he did..I guess second to the addiction right? I look around my apartment and everything reminds me of him. Going anywhere reminds me of him. Its so painful..I guess its good he refuses to call from work, but in the evening it will be hard. A friend of mine and her boyfriend just broke up so I think we might be hanging out more together..
Hi Kittycat!
I haven't posted in a while, but have been keeping up with everything. I know you are feeling real bad right now. When my bf went to rehab, though, I was very relieved. Just think of it - now you have the chance to have a break and think about yourself for a while. I had so much fun while he was in rehab. My cousin and I went to Nashville for a nite out and we went out to eat once a week or so, I was so worry free and just loved it!! If you just try to go for a walk and take a deep breath, look up to the sky and say "I am free for today!" Just see how good you feel!
Although my bf is back and doing good so far, I just don't feel the same about him. I am glad he is finished with his out-patient rehab right now, but I have begun to be selfish. However, it is really NOT a bad thing! If I want to go out with my cousin, I feel like he shouldn't lay a guilt trip on me about it. He likes to isolate me from everyone anyway. While he was gone at nite to rehab, I was relieved to have some time to myself. Also, now he still has to go to meetings and aftercare. He has stopped taking all the medicine prescribed to him by the doctors in rehab, but is taking Wellbutrin - which was prescribed to him by his family doctor before he went in and I don't know how well it is going to work. He still complains of bad dreams and dreams of using. Tomorrow he gets paid and we'll see. I am just not going to worry about it. I have dreams of my own and if he screws up his life, well that's HIS problem. I just don't want to put up with it anymore and I think he believes it now. I have a great opportunity to open a businesses at the gulf coast and I am just not worried about what he is going to do. Doesn't that sound cold? Really, I think I am doing him a huge favor by not getting his check for him and taking care of his bills for him. He needed to grow up and face his own problems, instead of me trying to "help" him stay clean. Well, it is HIS responsibility now.
Anyway, just wanted to say to keep your chin up. Look around and see all the possibilities you have for your life!! It is going to be spring soon and everything is renewing! Renew your life, too! You will love yourself for it!
I haven't posted in a while, but have been keeping up with everything. I know you are feeling real bad right now. When my bf went to rehab, though, I was very relieved. Just think of it - now you have the chance to have a break and think about yourself for a while. I had so much fun while he was in rehab. My cousin and I went to Nashville for a nite out and we went out to eat once a week or so, I was so worry free and just loved it!! If you just try to go for a walk and take a deep breath, look up to the sky and say "I am free for today!" Just see how good you feel!
Although my bf is back and doing good so far, I just don't feel the same about him. I am glad he is finished with his out-patient rehab right now, but I have begun to be selfish. However, it is really NOT a bad thing! If I want to go out with my cousin, I feel like he shouldn't lay a guilt trip on me about it. He likes to isolate me from everyone anyway. While he was gone at nite to rehab, I was relieved to have some time to myself. Also, now he still has to go to meetings and aftercare. He has stopped taking all the medicine prescribed to him by the doctors in rehab, but is taking Wellbutrin - which was prescribed to him by his family doctor before he went in and I don't know how well it is going to work. He still complains of bad dreams and dreams of using. Tomorrow he gets paid and we'll see. I am just not going to worry about it. I have dreams of my own and if he screws up his life, well that's HIS problem. I just don't want to put up with it anymore and I think he believes it now. I have a great opportunity to open a businesses at the gulf coast and I am just not worried about what he is going to do. Doesn't that sound cold? Really, I think I am doing him a huge favor by not getting his check for him and taking care of his bills for him. He needed to grow up and face his own problems, instead of me trying to "help" him stay clean. Well, it is HIS responsibility now.
Anyway, just wanted to say to keep your chin up. Look around and see all the possibilities you have for your life!! It is going to be spring soon and everything is renewing! Renew your life, too! You will love yourself for it!
cajungirl, just a note to say i'm glad that you are doing well under the circumstances.
wow, you really had some anxious moments a few weeks back. looks like you've really worked on "what's mine is mine and what's his is his" and have let him take responsibility for what is his.
took me a while longer to figure that out -- and why i kept getting mad at myself for things that i was doing and choosing to do.
wow, you really had some anxious moments a few weeks back. looks like you've really worked on "what's mine is mine and what's his is his" and have let him take responsibility for what is his.
took me a while longer to figure that out -- and why i kept getting mad at myself for things that i was doing and choosing to do.
Thanks Cajungirl, sounds like you've done a really good job with detaching from your boyfriend. I went shopping with a friend and it felt good to be away from him although I missed him. It felt good not to worry about getting home at a certain time or he'll be mad, you know? He loved to isolate me.
Anyways I'm gonna try to remain strong!
Anyways I'm gonna try to remain strong!
Hi Kittykat,
The truth of the matter is that it was nt that hard to leave my husband. The last few months that I spent living with him were far worst! I had started "working on myself" before I left and was starting to feel strong and confident. My marriage really had been over long before I left. I had JUST turned 30 and I kept thinking that I could stand there keep taking his crap over and over again wake up 15 years down the line and realize that it was too late to start over again and to meet someone new - to have more children and that I had just stood there and let myself waste away without the privillage of the high - in other words I would have let myself and my son drown with him because I was too scared to be bymyself.
The other thing is that when I left he had such hatred for me Kitty - several of our friends and family tried to sit down and talk to him, talk him into getting help etc. and he kept calling me to tell me I had ruined his life - that I had visciously and malisciously gone around town telling everyone he was a junkie and that it was a lie. I had never told soul...I was told by others - though by then I knew - he had lost like 30 pounds, had bags under his eyes down to his knees - was living at night sleeping all day, quit his job (though I wonder now a days if he was fired or what) was not looking for another job and was seen several times a day heading for a part of town no one we know would go to unless they were buing drugs. Gee I wonder what gave it away! And Kitty whenever money issues come up between us now - or I tell him he needs to get a job or anything he still tells me he cant very well get a job now that I have told EVERYONE he is junkie...which he still continues to deny. There were no calls of apology, no wanting to come back to me, no crying on the phone and promisisng to get help...nothing....that made it easier!!!
BUT I think that one thing that has helped is that I have always maintained contact - we continue to talk at least everyother day and somedays we actually have conversations! I think this eases my mind that he will know he can always call me when he hits that rock bottom, I also know he is alive...which I worry about all the time and not in jail . When I call and he doesnt pick up I stop breathing untill I catch a holdof him.
The other positive thing which has helped me kitty is that my life is under control and manageable, all the anger and hatred from feeling betrayed, lied to and insulted, the permanent fear, the permanent disapointment, the permanent feeling of being powerless, scared to come home and fight, scared the baby will see things that will scar him for life etc. etc. they are not so permanent anymore! That huge cloud is lifted, I live a normal life - boaring at the moment but sane and hopeful.
Give it a few days my friend to get into the swing of things and in no time at all you will remeber that there was life before all this - that the amount of nornal men out there is generous, that its so nice to have to question anyone or answear to anyone. One of the first things I ended up doing was going to a movie all bymyself....I had never done that...I LOVED IT. I dont even know why I even liked it so much but I loved that I just happened to be there at the time it was starting - that I there was no planning involved, no baby sitters to pick up or drive home, that I did nt have to bargain for anything to go and watch a sappy chickflick I wanted to watch...it was one of the most marking experiences to date.
Seriously in a couple of weeks when it all sinks in - when you think back to who he was and who he is now, to what you had and what you are now missing to what your dreams were and how they vanished somewhere without your noticing you will be so glad you did this!
Sorry so long winded....
The truth of the matter is that it was nt that hard to leave my husband. The last few months that I spent living with him were far worst! I had started "working on myself" before I left and was starting to feel strong and confident. My marriage really had been over long before I left. I had JUST turned 30 and I kept thinking that I could stand there keep taking his crap over and over again wake up 15 years down the line and realize that it was too late to start over again and to meet someone new - to have more children and that I had just stood there and let myself waste away without the privillage of the high - in other words I would have let myself and my son drown with him because I was too scared to be bymyself.
The other thing is that when I left he had such hatred for me Kitty - several of our friends and family tried to sit down and talk to him, talk him into getting help etc. and he kept calling me to tell me I had ruined his life - that I had visciously and malisciously gone around town telling everyone he was a junkie and that it was a lie. I had never told soul...I was told by others - though by then I knew - he had lost like 30 pounds, had bags under his eyes down to his knees - was living at night sleeping all day, quit his job (though I wonder now a days if he was fired or what) was not looking for another job and was seen several times a day heading for a part of town no one we know would go to unless they were buing drugs. Gee I wonder what gave it away! And Kitty whenever money issues come up between us now - or I tell him he needs to get a job or anything he still tells me he cant very well get a job now that I have told EVERYONE he is junkie...which he still continues to deny. There were no calls of apology, no wanting to come back to me, no crying on the phone and promisisng to get help...nothing....that made it easier!!!
BUT I think that one thing that has helped is that I have always maintained contact - we continue to talk at least everyother day and somedays we actually have conversations! I think this eases my mind that he will know he can always call me when he hits that rock bottom, I also know he is alive...which I worry about all the time and not in jail . When I call and he doesnt pick up I stop breathing untill I catch a holdof him.
The other positive thing which has helped me kitty is that my life is under control and manageable, all the anger and hatred from feeling betrayed, lied to and insulted, the permanent fear, the permanent disapointment, the permanent feeling of being powerless, scared to come home and fight, scared the baby will see things that will scar him for life etc. etc. they are not so permanent anymore! That huge cloud is lifted, I live a normal life - boaring at the moment but sane and hopeful.
Give it a few days my friend to get into the swing of things and in no time at all you will remeber that there was life before all this - that the amount of nornal men out there is generous, that its so nice to have to question anyone or answear to anyone. One of the first things I ended up doing was going to a movie all bymyself....I had never done that...I LOVED IT. I dont even know why I even liked it so much but I loved that I just happened to be there at the time it was starting - that I there was no planning involved, no baby sitters to pick up or drive home, that I did nt have to bargain for anything to go and watch a sappy chickflick I wanted to watch...it was one of the most marking experiences to date.
Seriously in a couple of weeks when it all sinks in - when you think back to who he was and who he is now, to what you had and what you are now missing to what your dreams were and how they vanished somewhere without your noticing you will be so glad you did this!
Sorry so long winded....
Thanks Charly for sharing your story with me. I'm still struggling..when I went shopping yesterday and bought new clothes, I thought..he won't get to see me in these, whats the point of buying new stuff when I have no one to wear them for? But I talked to him in the evening and he told me about getting fired (because of the call I made to his work) and he said they told him he missed too much work. I said, well you mean all those times you told me you got sent home because there wasn't enough work, was really because you were doing crack? He said yes. Then he blamed me for losing all his other jobs. Well he lost the last one before this one all by himself for doing crack and not making it to work. Then he lost the one before that because he got drunk at his staff Christmas party and he shouldn't drink..he ended up slapping me in front of his co worker and lost his job. Of course it was my fault.
He didn't feel like talking at all last night, I could totally tell he was high. Which upset me even more. But also made me realize he's a hopeless case right now..and that the decision I have made is the right one. At least I don't have any doubts about that.
He didn't feel like talking at all last night, I could totally tell he was high. Which upset me even more. But also made me realize he's a hopeless case right now..and that the decision I have made is the right one. At least I don't have any doubts about that.
You have to concentrate on the that last line you wrote Kittykat. You made the right decision. You know you did.
You know whats even better than having you b/f see your new clothes? Walking around looking HOT knowing guys are copping you out and that one of them might be the one....that you will one day...maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life (hahaha) be lying but naked in bed with and feeling loved and cuddled and warm...again not much use for your new clothes...
And there is nothing like getting a new start in life like new clothes....the other biggy is your hair - must do something to it! Colour, radical cut something! - I know this is all frivolous and petty - but man isnt that the break we are really looking for a little while to worry about hair and nails and new clothes....I swear its worth it and you have to start somewhere. So put on those new clothes and get yourself all dolled up and appreciate yourself - look at how good you look and you wont help but start feeling as good as you look. I promise.
Be mindful Kittykat, you know he is laying the guilt trip on you to pull you back - and I dont think its out of meaness or perversion, I think its their way of telling themselves they havent lost everything - they havent lost love and their not....whats the word Im looking for...revolting is a bit strong but you catch my drift...its self assurance for him that he is not like all the other junkies alone with no one else so you cant let him beat you because it is just worse for him. Even if you really want to come running back - give it time and distance.
It will all fall into place. I promise - go out with friends - invite people over for meals to keep you busy in the kithchen doing something for someone and having company - talk about other things - get your mind going - you just need a little jump start and it will start feeling normal.
You know whats even better than having you b/f see your new clothes? Walking around looking HOT knowing guys are copping you out and that one of them might be the one....that you will one day...maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life (hahaha) be lying but naked in bed with and feeling loved and cuddled and warm...again not much use for your new clothes...
And there is nothing like getting a new start in life like new clothes....the other biggy is your hair - must do something to it! Colour, radical cut something! - I know this is all frivolous and petty - but man isnt that the break we are really looking for a little while to worry about hair and nails and new clothes....I swear its worth it and you have to start somewhere. So put on those new clothes and get yourself all dolled up and appreciate yourself - look at how good you look and you wont help but start feeling as good as you look. I promise.
Be mindful Kittykat, you know he is laying the guilt trip on you to pull you back - and I dont think its out of meaness or perversion, I think its their way of telling themselves they havent lost everything - they havent lost love and their not....whats the word Im looking for...revolting is a bit strong but you catch my drift...its self assurance for him that he is not like all the other junkies alone with no one else so you cant let him beat you because it is just worse for him. Even if you really want to come running back - give it time and distance.
It will all fall into place. I promise - go out with friends - invite people over for meals to keep you busy in the kithchen doing something for someone and having company - talk about other things - get your mind going - you just need a little jump start and it will start feeling normal.
Thanks Charly! You are right about the clothes part, lol I had to laugh about the not really needing them!
I think he's in denial, he just called and asked if we are going to hang out tonight and I was like what? Have you not heard a word I said the last few days? He's even skipping his job interview today because he can't get a ride there..ya right. I feel kind of bad he lost his job because of me, but at least he has no income to do crack now, that part I feel a little better about. And now he's missing his job interview..he's going no where fast.
I wish I didn't love him anymore and I wish this wasn't so painful. I really can't imagine loving anyone again either. I hate going through this. But thanks for helping me keep my chin up!
I think he's in denial, he just called and asked if we are going to hang out tonight and I was like what? Have you not heard a word I said the last few days? He's even skipping his job interview today because he can't get a ride there..ya right. I feel kind of bad he lost his job because of me, but at least he has no income to do crack now, that part I feel a little better about. And now he's missing his job interview..he's going no where fast.
I wish I didn't love him anymore and I wish this wasn't so painful. I really can't imagine loving anyone again either. I hate going through this. But thanks for helping me keep my chin up!