Thanks for responding to me again. I am trying to leave but that's a lot of years for me to leave behind. Never heard from him yesterday but he tried calling me this morning and I didn't pick up. I just feel better to know he's alive.
I know I need to let go. I see all my friends and family in these normal happy relationships and then I look at me. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and make a first step at trying to get my mind together. Thing is, I hate being alone. We've broken up thru the years and I've had a few other boyfriends. But I always go back. My life is going by so fast. I need to go back to school so I can get a better education to support my son and myself. If I stay with him that will not happen. Life isn't supposed to be this bad. I'm shouldn't have to be so depressed every day. And my high shouldn't have to be him.
You have to do what's best for you. Everyone has their own limits. I've reached mine. Thing is that the rehab was court ordered and his lawyer told me if he did not complete it he will have about 4 years hanging over his head. So it's just a matter of time before they issue a warrant for his arrest. The court cases are things he has done to me but I went to speak to his lawyer and the state's attorney about his drug problem. I thought that since he's been in and out of jail his whole life maybe a rehab could possibly help him. And he was doing so well coming home on weekends and not messing up. Then one day he left. He didn't call for 3 days after he left. He knew I would be mad. anyway, I don't feel like talking to him today but I know he'll call my job all day long. I will try not to answer.
Oh, I drove by last night and sure enough the car was there...like I said, I knew it would be but I had to see it. It's so sad but I need to get myself together and take care of my son. I look at him and feel so bad that he doesn't have a good father like I do. But my dad is such a big part of my son's life. They are inseparable. Without him as well as my mother, I don't know what I'd do.
Thanks for listening and I'm always here if you need to talk to.
~LenaL
Lena,
Yes I understand how you feel..its hard to leave someone especially after you have been with them for so long. And I'm exactly like you, I hate being alone, it scares me! A lot of my friends say they'd rather be alone than with somene like my bf but its really hard for me. Its harder when you have been with someone for a very long time, I know because I was with someone for ten years before my current bf and leaving him was the hardest! I was alone for that two years and I hated it, although I got used to it. I think that is why when I met my current addict bf, I ignored the red flags and went for him. I just didn't want to be alone anymore, I thought he was really cute and I had a huge crush on him so everything else went out the window!
And then I've suffered for it. I didn't know how hard it would be to be with an addict.
Just like your bf, mine went to rehab, court ordered. It was his idea to go before court made him go but he left, and broke the conditional sentence. He was supposed to do 6 months in jail instead. He turned himself in soon after he came back but they released him on a promise to appear. So he has gotten himself a lawyer and has court this morning but for a plea entry, then he gets another court date for the trial. He plead guilty to two charges and he breached, its obvious, so I hope he gets jail time, he needs it! And I want some peace too.
I too look at other couples and feel a little jealous that they are happy and have a normal relationship. I feel like the odd one out because my relationship is miserable. Unfortunatly though my sister is in my situation but she's married to her guy and hes an alcoholic and my best friend is married to an abuser.
How long have you two been together for? How long has your bf been an addict for? From what I know, mines been an addict now for about 5 years, but he was doing acid and pot before crack.
Just like you, when mine pulls a disappearing act to do crack all night, I don't answer his calls in the morning, I'm just relieved he's alive. But also, he tries to call me at work all day because he knows he can get a hold of me. It was hard last year at school, I took a course and he was heavily binging. I wouldn't hear from him all day and night, he'd show up at 4:30 am and I would never let him in. He'd be outside my door crying and begging but even though I felt so bad for him I would never let him in. Then he'd show up at my school looking like crap and one time passed out in the waiting area. How embarrassing. Those days were bad, it was when he had his jeep and he'd pawn it to the dealers for crack all the time!
I know it would be better for us to leave but its so hard. Don't they just always say the right things to make us stay?
Anyways, thxs for letting me talk...how are you doing today?
Yes I understand how you feel..its hard to leave someone especially after you have been with them for so long. And I'm exactly like you, I hate being alone, it scares me! A lot of my friends say they'd rather be alone than with somene like my bf but its really hard for me. Its harder when you have been with someone for a very long time, I know because I was with someone for ten years before my current bf and leaving him was the hardest! I was alone for that two years and I hated it, although I got used to it. I think that is why when I met my current addict bf, I ignored the red flags and went for him. I just didn't want to be alone anymore, I thought he was really cute and I had a huge crush on him so everything else went out the window!
And then I've suffered for it. I didn't know how hard it would be to be with an addict.
Just like your bf, mine went to rehab, court ordered. It was his idea to go before court made him go but he left, and broke the conditional sentence. He was supposed to do 6 months in jail instead. He turned himself in soon after he came back but they released him on a promise to appear. So he has gotten himself a lawyer and has court this morning but for a plea entry, then he gets another court date for the trial. He plead guilty to two charges and he breached, its obvious, so I hope he gets jail time, he needs it! And I want some peace too.
I too look at other couples and feel a little jealous that they are happy and have a normal relationship. I feel like the odd one out because my relationship is miserable. Unfortunatly though my sister is in my situation but she's married to her guy and hes an alcoholic and my best friend is married to an abuser.
How long have you two been together for? How long has your bf been an addict for? From what I know, mines been an addict now for about 5 years, but he was doing acid and pot before crack.
Just like you, when mine pulls a disappearing act to do crack all night, I don't answer his calls in the morning, I'm just relieved he's alive. But also, he tries to call me at work all day because he knows he can get a hold of me. It was hard last year at school, I took a course and he was heavily binging. I wouldn't hear from him all day and night, he'd show up at 4:30 am and I would never let him in. He'd be outside my door crying and begging but even though I felt so bad for him I would never let him in. Then he'd show up at my school looking like crap and one time passed out in the waiting area. How embarrassing. Those days were bad, it was when he had his jeep and he'd pawn it to the dealers for crack all the time!
I know it would be better for us to leave but its so hard. Don't they just always say the right things to make us stay?
Anyways, thxs for letting me talk...how are you doing today?
LenaL - like you, I have reached my limit! I no longer want to deal with an addict and his problems. Even though my ex-boyfreind is in rehab, I know he is going to try to stay with me once he gets out because he has no money and nowhere else to go. He hasn't talked to his mother in almost two years and she lives in another city about 45 minutes away. His daughter lives with a real creep that he hates and I know he won't stay with her. I just hope he is trying to find a half-way house or something while he is in rehab because I don't want him pressuring me to stay for a "week or two" until he gets enough money to move out. I just want to be rid of him! I am probably going to load up his truck with the clothes he has in my house and get my son to follow me to the rehab and leave it there. There is not enough room for all the other books, dishes, pots and pans, etc. that he has in my storage building, but I am keeping my doors locked to the house so he can't just come in and be a squatter. I have already evicted him anyway, and time is up this Friday. You really need to think about your child and do what is necessary to heal your self-esteem and move on with your life! I went back to school when I was 35 and just finished an associates degree - it took me 11 years, because I quit going about 5 years ago, but i did it! So can you. Good luck to you and try to do what you KNOW is right - you know what that is, we all do. I am trying to think with my head instead of my heart, like I always used to do. It is easier when he is not around me, though!
cajungirl, you are an inspiration. there are men's shelters and halfway houses (rent is minimal) available and probably helpful to the addict's recovery.
don't feel guilty, he has places to go for room, shelter, food, etc. and the other essentials of life. in fact, they are readily available -- Oxford House website on the internet is a place to start. you do him and yourself a dis-service if he steps foot one time in your home. change your locks and phone number, if necessarry, or for your own peace of mind. i've posted enough, you know my views.
congrats on school. that's wonderful.
and yes, peace and serenity has returned to my home also. no need to hide wallets or purses, no hiding car keys or valuables, no wondering what time someone is coming home, no wondering whether a call will be received, no digging through pockets or other hiding places for alcohol or other drugs, no searching eyes or noses or trash cans, no lies. no waiting for someone else to mess up. no anticipating someone else's next step and obsessing about how to stay one step ahead of someone else. (in fact, the only step i'm working on is the First Step of the 12 Steps).
it can be done, irrespective of the relaionships involved. and everyone gets better ! everyone !
my best regards to you. i hope you find your place of peace and contemplation on the gulf.
don't feel guilty, he has places to go for room, shelter, food, etc. and the other essentials of life. in fact, they are readily available -- Oxford House website on the internet is a place to start. you do him and yourself a dis-service if he steps foot one time in your home. change your locks and phone number, if necessarry, or for your own peace of mind. i've posted enough, you know my views.
congrats on school. that's wonderful.
and yes, peace and serenity has returned to my home also. no need to hide wallets or purses, no hiding car keys or valuables, no wondering what time someone is coming home, no wondering whether a call will be received, no digging through pockets or other hiding places for alcohol or other drugs, no searching eyes or noses or trash cans, no lies. no waiting for someone else to mess up. no anticipating someone else's next step and obsessing about how to stay one step ahead of someone else. (in fact, the only step i'm working on is the First Step of the 12 Steps).
it can be done, irrespective of the relaionships involved. and everyone gets better ! everyone !
my best regards to you. i hope you find your place of peace and contemplation on the gulf.
Thanks for the info Bob B. I will look up the website you suggested! You have been such a help to me and all of us on here doing soul searching of ourselves. I have decided to first build a house on the lot I own next door, sell it, and make a little more money. It will take a few months, but I am going to do it! That God I have good credit and can get the financing for it! Laissez les bontemps rouler!!!
Thank you Kittycat and Cajungirl for responding to me.
Cajungirl - I give you so much credit for what you have done. It must feel good to have a little bit of peace now. I wish you much luck.
Kittycat. - I'm so sorry to hear of the things you've been thru and the embarassment. I know, I've been there before. Please just take care of yourself. I'm here if you need to talk.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 13 years. He has been doing drugs for probably 11or 12 of them but I literally was blind to it for a few years. Once I got pregnant and saw things were bad I left him. After I had my son, I went back. So mad at myself for that but what can I do now.
He's been calling this morning and I have not answered. I will keep my cell phone off and he cannot reach my at my home phone cuz my parents will not allow him to have their phone number. Hopefully he won't come here to my job. Don't even want to see him, it will just disgust me to look at him.
I want to thank anyone who responded as it helps to have people who know what we go through and who care. I don't really talk to anyone else about it.
I am going to concentrate on taking care of myself and my child right now.
It's hard when I tell him I want nothing to do with him cuz he threatens me to try to make me stay. Why I continuously went back I will never really now. We've just been together so long that it just seems natural to be with him. I know his wonderful caring side, he is beautiful, can be fun and so so loving. Never met anyone like him before. But I know the monster too. This summer I was very close to a nervous breakdown and had to be put on meds because I was so scared to be anywhere alone. He would stalk me, make me get in the car with him and drive crazy and threaten me while he cried and blamed it all on me.
I know I deserve better and so does my boy. I've tried so many times and given so many times that I forgot about what's important. I will try my hardest to move on....but I've loved him for so long. Do you think addicts are capable of loving someone else?
Sorry, for writing so much it's just I have so much to get out and no one to talk to.
Also, I want to thank Bob for all the posts you have put up here. I just wish I could understand how to apply the 12 steps to me.
Cajungirl - I give you so much credit for what you have done. It must feel good to have a little bit of peace now. I wish you much luck.
Kittycat. - I'm so sorry to hear of the things you've been thru and the embarassment. I know, I've been there before. Please just take care of yourself. I'm here if you need to talk.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 13 years. He has been doing drugs for probably 11or 12 of them but I literally was blind to it for a few years. Once I got pregnant and saw things were bad I left him. After I had my son, I went back. So mad at myself for that but what can I do now.
He's been calling this morning and I have not answered. I will keep my cell phone off and he cannot reach my at my home phone cuz my parents will not allow him to have their phone number. Hopefully he won't come here to my job. Don't even want to see him, it will just disgust me to look at him.
I want to thank anyone who responded as it helps to have people who know what we go through and who care. I don't really talk to anyone else about it.
I am going to concentrate on taking care of myself and my child right now.
It's hard when I tell him I want nothing to do with him cuz he threatens me to try to make me stay. Why I continuously went back I will never really now. We've just been together so long that it just seems natural to be with him. I know his wonderful caring side, he is beautiful, can be fun and so so loving. Never met anyone like him before. But I know the monster too. This summer I was very close to a nervous breakdown and had to be put on meds because I was so scared to be anywhere alone. He would stalk me, make me get in the car with him and drive crazy and threaten me while he cried and blamed it all on me.
I know I deserve better and so does my boy. I've tried so many times and given so many times that I forgot about what's important. I will try my hardest to move on....but I've loved him for so long. Do you think addicts are capable of loving someone else?
Sorry, for writing so much it's just I have so much to get out and no one to talk to.
Also, I want to thank Bob for all the posts you have put up here. I just wish I could understand how to apply the 12 steps to me.
cajungirl --
il sons parti !
Translation for others here ---- They're off !
(used when race horses are released from the starting gate at the beginning of a cajuncountry horse race)
By the way cajungirl, there are many other halfway houses around. a bunch in cajun country. many are privately run. addiction centers and the local AA or NA have lists, phone numbers and addresses, etc. there are many more than i thought -- many in residential neighborhoods. (now don't you go and make arrangements for him -- he needs to find his place to live)
il sons parti !
Translation for others here ---- They're off !
(used when race horses are released from the starting gate at the beginning of a cajuncountry horse race)
By the way cajungirl, there are many other halfway houses around. a bunch in cajun country. many are privately run. addiction centers and the local AA or NA have lists, phone numbers and addresses, etc. there are many more than i thought -- many in residential neighborhoods. (now don't you go and make arrangements for him -- he needs to find his place to live)
Lena, don't worry about writing so much. I know it always helps me to write out my feelings on this board. I don't know what I'd do without this board. I thought I was the only one going through this craziness, but a lot of these posts, I can really relate too. It seems like a lot of these people are living my life!
Wow 13 years, thats a long time. You know, when I was with my ex for 10 years I felt the same way, it felt natural to be with him so I stayed even though I was no longer happy in the relationship. But I finally hit my "rock bottom" with him and we broke up. It was hard and looking back I'm glad I left him. I wonder why I stayed for so long. I just wish I can apply that knowledge now!
I KNOW the longer I stay with him, the more I'm going to wonder why I put up with him for so long!
Sounds like you have gone through some scary stuff with your bf! Mines not far from that. He's slapped me, choked me, threw me around, pulled my hair, threatened me, driven crazy etc...
He hasn't done any of that for almost a year now, since he quit drinking and gone to anger management. Plus I tried to have him charged but the police didn't have enough evidence on me to do anything. Plus he scratched himself up and was going to say I did it!
He can be a monster but I also know the good in him, and without all this substance abuse he can be a better person. I just don't know how much more I can take. I remember at this time last year I was worried about going through the same crap a year from then and lo and behold, here I am a year later in the same situation except he has changed in the way that he's no longer abusive.
I look forward to the day when I finally have enough and walk away from this!
Well I hope your bf leaves you alone today, you deserve some peace!
Wow 13 years, thats a long time. You know, when I was with my ex for 10 years I felt the same way, it felt natural to be with him so I stayed even though I was no longer happy in the relationship. But I finally hit my "rock bottom" with him and we broke up. It was hard and looking back I'm glad I left him. I wonder why I stayed for so long. I just wish I can apply that knowledge now!
I KNOW the longer I stay with him, the more I'm going to wonder why I put up with him for so long!
Sounds like you have gone through some scary stuff with your bf! Mines not far from that. He's slapped me, choked me, threw me around, pulled my hair, threatened me, driven crazy etc...
He hasn't done any of that for almost a year now, since he quit drinking and gone to anger management. Plus I tried to have him charged but the police didn't have enough evidence on me to do anything. Plus he scratched himself up and was going to say I did it!
He can be a monster but I also know the good in him, and without all this substance abuse he can be a better person. I just don't know how much more I can take. I remember at this time last year I was worried about going through the same crap a year from then and lo and behold, here I am a year later in the same situation except he has changed in the way that he's no longer abusive.
I look forward to the day when I finally have enough and walk away from this!
Well I hope your bf leaves you alone today, you deserve some peace!
Cajungirl and Bob B.
Look at both of you a glow with glee. Am so happy to see both of you just getting on and feeling good!
In all honesty I am still a little stuck on no mans land. It was such a huge ordeal to live through the last months with my husband - and leaving my home with my son and just starting over/carrying on that I seem to be taking a break right now.
I know I have done the right thing - I dont know that there is anything else I could have done except to stick around and watch things get worse - I dont know if even if he were to get clean I would take him back because I think I may just ALWAYS be so distrustful - and you cant live with someone whos pockets you have to check - but I am not ready to quite move on and be joyous yet.
I am still living with my parents GOD BLESS THEM really - and I dont think I could handle living on my own and constantly worry about the laundry and the bills and dinner...I am very lucky to be able to take one little step at a time. Your very first post to me Bob B. said that I needed to take in one little thing at a time in all this and I think your right. I have been able to work through alot of it here on this board. I have found myself asking questions out loud I had nt done before, and hearing answears back.
Thanks so much to all of you.
Lena L you need to find some help...to me one of the main points to take into account is that like the addicts need help - so do we. I dont know where I would be without my family and friends. I am lucky.
Also you must think of your son and do EVERYTHIING that is in your power to keep him protected and innocent. I said to someone earlier, having that as a priority helped me so much - do try and keep that in mind.
How old is your son? Can you talk him through any of this? Can he see a councelor?
I know you will pull through this - I think we all have phase where we are in shock, but when the time comes we know what we have to do.
BE BRAVE
Look at both of you a glow with glee. Am so happy to see both of you just getting on and feeling good!
In all honesty I am still a little stuck on no mans land. It was such a huge ordeal to live through the last months with my husband - and leaving my home with my son and just starting over/carrying on that I seem to be taking a break right now.
I know I have done the right thing - I dont know that there is anything else I could have done except to stick around and watch things get worse - I dont know if even if he were to get clean I would take him back because I think I may just ALWAYS be so distrustful - and you cant live with someone whos pockets you have to check - but I am not ready to quite move on and be joyous yet.
I am still living with my parents GOD BLESS THEM really - and I dont think I could handle living on my own and constantly worry about the laundry and the bills and dinner...I am very lucky to be able to take one little step at a time. Your very first post to me Bob B. said that I needed to take in one little thing at a time in all this and I think your right. I have been able to work through alot of it here on this board. I have found myself asking questions out loud I had nt done before, and hearing answears back.
Thanks so much to all of you.
Lena L you need to find some help...to me one of the main points to take into account is that like the addicts need help - so do we. I dont know where I would be without my family and friends. I am lucky.
Also you must think of your son and do EVERYTHIING that is in your power to keep him protected and innocent. I said to someone earlier, having that as a priority helped me so much - do try and keep that in mind.
How old is your son? Can you talk him through any of this? Can he see a councelor?
I know you will pull through this - I think we all have phase where we are in shock, but when the time comes we know what we have to do.
BE BRAVE
charly, you bring tears to my eyes . . . . but gladness in my heart, because you're working towards a better life for all involved, including the addict in your life, and have started, for yourself, what is a life-long process for all of us. We can't ignore and we can't just live is hope that everything will get better. It won't get better until we act, because the other individual involved in the process is incapable of acting.
But we can have thankful heart and look for reasons, every hour, to give thanks for some little thing -- even if it's just a cool wind blowing in our face on a cold winter's day.
Today is the first day of the rest of our life.
But we can have thankful heart and look for reasons, every hour, to give thanks for some little thing -- even if it's just a cool wind blowing in our face on a cold winter's day.
Today is the first day of the rest of our life.