I'd like to start this thread for those of us who are still using. What plan can we start? How can we support each other? Should we make each other accountable by checking in each day?
I have tremendous respect and admiration for everyone here with any amount of sobriety under their belts. But it's a different ball game for those of us who have yet to tame the beast. I keep hearing hoe much better people's lives are now that they are clean.
I'm having a terribly difficult time seeing how sobriety is better than being high.
The ten days I did go clean weren't that great, and I didn't even have terrible withdrawals.
What's wrong with me?
Amom, it doesnt feel all the great in the beginning but after time it gets 10 times better. You have to trust the ones that are farther into recovery on this.
JD
JD
JD- I KNEW you were going to say that!
I ordered 500 pills and received them on Feb. 25th. You did not read that number incorrectly. It is 500. I'm back to eating them like candy.
I am not saying this for shock value. I'm just stating that this is pretty much what my life has become. Order pills, take them like crazy, get into more debt, order pills, take them like crazy, get into more debt......
The only person I've told about this is Carol. She reminded me that "you're only as sick as your secrets" so I decided to lay it out take my licks.
I am not saying this for shock value. I'm just stating that this is pretty much what my life has become. Order pills, take them like crazy, get into more debt, order pills, take them like crazy, get into more debt......
The only person I've told about this is Carol. She reminded me that "you're only as sick as your secrets" so I decided to lay it out take my licks.
Betsy, I know I had to quit a few times before I was serious. I wish I had some magic words that would help you but for me I just couldnt take it anymore, I wasnt feeling good except for a few minutes after I took a few pills.
I know now that I wouldnt trade where I am now for where I was before even though it wasnt easy to get from there to here.
I think I just confused myself.
JD
I know now that I wouldnt trade where I am now for where I was before even though it wasnt easy to get from there to here.
I think I just confused myself.
JD
Hey Betsy,
You can be mad at me if you want but I am going to tell you anyway. You need HELP. Seriously, you are killing yourself. You are such a beautiful woman and so much stronger than what you give yourself credit for. You are caught up in this cycle and there is just no way out for you other than rehab, out-patient, counseling etc. If you can afford all those pills online why in the world aren't you getting on suboxone? Is it because you are scared you won't feel the high? You are going down hill and fast. You need more than other people that are using to help you. Think about it Betsy.... You CAN CHANGE! We will all be here for you. You have got to want help to get help. Do you want it or just want to talk about it?Rae
You can be mad at me if you want but I am going to tell you anyway. You need HELP. Seriously, you are killing yourself. You are such a beautiful woman and so much stronger than what you give yourself credit for. You are caught up in this cycle and there is just no way out for you other than rehab, out-patient, counseling etc. If you can afford all those pills online why in the world aren't you getting on suboxone? Is it because you are scared you won't feel the high? You are going down hill and fast. You need more than other people that are using to help you. Think about it Betsy.... You CAN CHANGE! We will all be here for you. You have got to want help to get help. Do you want it or just want to talk about it?Rae
Thanks so much you sweet man. I know exactly what I have to do, but something is holding me back. I suspect it's fear.
I really hope you read what I wrote to you and realize I said it out of love and concern for you. I really do care and I will be here for you no matter what you decide. I just think you need to do something about your addiction before it's too late! Rae
I know Rae. I'm smart and could recite everything I need to do to quit; I know AA and the pitfalls of relapse an all kinds of ways to stay sober. I just don't do it. Which, if I really think about it, makes me the stupidest person on this board.
I can give the most beneficial advice to everyone here but I don't take it myself. I am sympathetic to everyone and people's stories have brought me to tears.
I don't need Suboxone because I am not on opiates, I'm on barbiturates. So the withdrawal doesn't scare me. I just don't have that gut-wrenching, all-or-nothing desire to quit.
Rae-should I quite the board until I'm ready?
I can give the most beneficial advice to everyone here but I don't take it myself. I am sympathetic to everyone and people's stories have brought me to tears.
I don't need Suboxone because I am not on opiates, I'm on barbiturates. So the withdrawal doesn't scare me. I just don't have that gut-wrenching, all-or-nothing desire to quit.
Rae-should I quite the board until I'm ready?
Betsy, thats the last thing you should do, maybe someone will say something that will ring a bell with you and you'll see something you havent yet.
JS
JS
Betsy,
You know how you said other people's stories have brought you to tears? Well your story brings me to tears. You are taking way too many pills a month. That is ashame your even allowed to order that many online. I can't believe it. You are slowly killing yourself.. Other than for yourself who else would you be willing to quit for? Children,husband?? Does any of your family or friends know what you are doing? If not is there someone that you could confide in that would help you face to face? Rae
Ps. NO, your not leaving the board, we love you! Your not going anywhere.
You know how you said other people's stories have brought you to tears? Well your story brings me to tears. You are taking way too many pills a month. That is ashame your even allowed to order that many online. I can't believe it. You are slowly killing yourself.. Other than for yourself who else would you be willing to quit for? Children,husband?? Does any of your family or friends know what you are doing? If not is there someone that you could confide in that would help you face to face? Rae
Ps. NO, your not leaving the board, we love you! Your not going anywhere.
Hi...I just finished ready your reply to my earlier post and then read your earlier one!
You took a huge step being honest about the magnitude of pills that you are taking, but does your family know?
I hope that you confide in your husband/or significant other because for me that has been all my strength!
When you are feeling like you need a lift...do something unpredictable and fun with your kids(or cards...or sex with hubby...Ha!Ha!) to remind you of other ways of passing the time.
Remember that minutes become hours, and hours become days!!!
Draw every bit of support from family and friends...they will surprise you.
Jenn
You took a huge step being honest about the magnitude of pills that you are taking, but does your family know?
I hope that you confide in your husband/or significant other because for me that has been all my strength!
When you are feeling like you need a lift...do something unpredictable and fun with your kids(or cards...or sex with hubby...Ha!Ha!) to remind you of other ways of passing the time.
Remember that minutes become hours, and hours become days!!!
Draw every bit of support from family and friends...they will surprise you.
Jenn
dear betsy:
you said:
I am not saying this for shock value. I'm just stating that this is pretty much what my life has become. Order pills, take them like crazy, get into more debt, order pills, take them like crazy, get into more debt......
you forgot the jails, institutions, and death.
is this what it's all about, alfie?
i know the title of this message was not addressed to me, as i am not still using. while i believe that you are the most talented, creative, beautiful spirit God blew breath into, you choose to take a different path. you don't understand the precious spirit you are. it's hard to understand anything while under the influence of mood altering substances. i know that path...know it well.
become a student of change, betsy. it is the only thing that will remain constant. if you need some help with that change, i'm an email or phone call away if you care.
namaste' dear friend -
sammy
dsam2u@comcast.net
you said:
I am not saying this for shock value. I'm just stating that this is pretty much what my life has become. Order pills, take them like crazy, get into more debt, order pills, take them like crazy, get into more debt......
you forgot the jails, institutions, and death.
is this what it's all about, alfie?
i know the title of this message was not addressed to me, as i am not still using. while i believe that you are the most talented, creative, beautiful spirit God blew breath into, you choose to take a different path. you don't understand the precious spirit you are. it's hard to understand anything while under the influence of mood altering substances. i know that path...know it well.
become a student of change, betsy. it is the only thing that will remain constant. if you need some help with that change, i'm an email or phone call away if you care.
namaste' dear friend -
sammy
dsam2u@comcast.net
Betsy, I am still using also, I went about 4 days the first time and took 2, then quit again for 10 days and then started taking about 3 or 4 a week, now it is about 5 or 6 a week, I find my self slowly going to where I was before, I was using about 5 or 6 a day before I decided I needed to try to do something about it. I have some of the same feeling as you do, I just can't or don't want to see how my life would be better without these, I mean the same old problems will be there whether I use or don't use, but I know I need to quit, for my health and for my mental well being, but how do people do it, what clicks in some of us that makes them just stop, when I tried the last 2 times I did not have hardly any withdrawels and I know if I quit again I wont have that many either is that what keeps us using knowing that we will not have the terrible w/d, I just dont know, I want to quit, I want to know that I have complete control over my life, I want to feel good because I feel good, not because I take a pill, and I want to be able when I hurt that I can just take tylenol or some otc drug and it works. Maybe your idea of checking in with each other is a good one, I mean I have tried other things it did not work maybe that will.
Betsy........NOOOOOO YOU SHOULD NOT QUIT THE BOARD!! We are the only ones who know you are using and who you talk to about it!! You quit the board, you quit trying.
Again, many people try many times before they succeed. You have a few more to go before you can take the crown of Relapse Queen, so just keep trying. You have nothing to lose by trying it again, but so much to lose if you don't. But, hell, now you have a few 100 more pills, don't you?
I honestly do not know what to say, Betsy. If that bill alone isn't enough to make you want it bad enough to do it, you probably do need prof. help. I know that a large part of you is ready and willing, but there is something holding you back and you nor I can put our finger on. Could try putting a stop on all charges to that Visa, Would that help? Do you have another one, or would you go to the trouble to get another one?
Do you go to private counseling?( I know I am supposed to know that, but have forgotten). I don't think you do. OK. That is what you need. A counselor who specializes in addiction. I know there is no way anyone here will convince you to try rehab., so I won't try, but please do find the counselor. Don't say you can't afford, put it on that Visa you use for the pills. It will be a much better investment.
I will always be here for you. Tell me what I can do to help you.
BTW,,,,,,being clean IS great. The first 2-3 weeks suck, and after you get past that, you'll feel better every day. Mentally and physically. The feeling of accomplishment and empowerment will lift you and all things around you begin to look different and better. I promise.
Well, here it is, finally the truth, and I am typing thru tears...
I am NOT the smart beautiful, talented person people think I am, without pills. When I am not high I am the stupid ugly little idiot that I was told I was, until I left home and discovered that drugs can cover up all those things. If I go off the pills people will discover the real me.
I am NOT the smart beautiful, talented person people think I am, without pills. When I am not high I am the stupid ugly little idiot that I was told I was, until I left home and discovered that drugs can cover up all those things. If I go off the pills people will discover the real me.
You know what Betsy, that is your addiction talking. Mine did the same. I was only a few days into w/d when I realized what bull**** that is. You and I are still the same without the pills. Maybe not as energetic, but everything you brought up will still be there, the beauty (even more so) the intelligence (YOU could never be stupid) ......those are just lies we told ourselves to justify using the pills.
Again, the counselor will show you how I am right about this. Your self esteem is all wrapped up in those pills right now. When you are free of that hold, you will see not that much changes on the outside. People will still see you as the person they always have..before and during the pills.....the difference is in the inside.
I can't even function right now. I have to get off the computer. Sorry.
betsy - you said:
am NOT the smart beautiful, talented person people think I am, without pills. When I am not high I am the stupid ugly little idiot that I was told I was, until I left home and discovered that drugs can cover up all those things. If I go off the pills people will discover the real me.
that's bull! pure unadulterated bull that our fears would have us believe.
we calm our fears by abusing drugs.
as a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. to make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. to make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.
what kind of thoughts do you want to dominate you life?
go ahead, sweet spirit - let the tears roll. there's something sacred in salt, it is found in the ocean and tears.
i'm here for you - you beautfigul spirit - if you care.
namaste'
sammy
dsam2u@comcast.net
am NOT the smart beautiful, talented person people think I am, without pills. When I am not high I am the stupid ugly little idiot that I was told I was, until I left home and discovered that drugs can cover up all those things. If I go off the pills people will discover the real me.
that's bull! pure unadulterated bull that our fears would have us believe.
we calm our fears by abusing drugs.
as a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. to make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. to make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.
what kind of thoughts do you want to dominate you life?
go ahead, sweet spirit - let the tears roll. there's something sacred in salt, it is found in the ocean and tears.
i'm here for you - you beautfigul spirit - if you care.
namaste'
sammy
dsam2u@comcast.net
Betsy,
That's not true at all. Don't you have 3 beautiful teenagers. How could an ugly idiot make 3 beautiful children and still manage to be a wonderful mother and wife? You are feeling sorry for yourself which I have done for years. Everyone here has been through some sort of painful past. I think it is important that you work through some issues with a therapist. Carol is right why not invest in that, instead of so many pills? It's a start. Hang in there, you will make it through this difficult time in your life, I promise! Rae
That's not true at all. Don't you have 3 beautiful teenagers. How could an ugly idiot make 3 beautiful children and still manage to be a wonderful mother and wife? You are feeling sorry for yourself which I have done for years. Everyone here has been through some sort of painful past. I think it is important that you work through some issues with a therapist. Carol is right why not invest in that, instead of so many pills? It's a start. Hang in there, you will make it through this difficult time in your life, I promise! Rae
