To those of you who say "don't leave" an addicted spouse, I have to disagree. If the addiction leads to the addict becoming so emotionally and verbally abusive that you're (their spouse) feeling physically ill, leave. If the abuse escalates into violence, leave. And yes, addiction is a selfish disease and addicts will eventually do things that are psychologically abusive. It might kill them if you leave. It could lead to them going into a coma, alone, on the street, and having to be picked up by emergency services after being discovered by strangers, or it could lead to incarceration, but if you have to save yourself because you can't save someone else, you must. I was with my spouse for ten years. I wanted to be with him forever, to start a family, and when I discovered that he was smoking synthetic cannabis and lying about it, I wanted to try to forgive him and help him recover. However my spouse was so addicted that he lied about his use repeatedly, and eventually used his PTSD as an excuse for continuing to use synthetic cannabis. He said that he also had chronic migraines, which were made less severe by synthetic cannabis. However after finding out more about the drug, I have come to understand that a lot of the symptoms he attributed to his PTSD (insomnia, chronic migraines, upset stomach, vomiting, nausea) can also be attributed to synthetic cannabis withdrawal. He smoked regularly for four straight years, morning to night -- he woke and smoked, smoked before each meal, smoked before bedtime, and often many times in between. The drug abuse caused him to gaslight me, caused him to become verbally abusive when I tried to talk to him about it, caused him to empty out our joint bank account without my consent, caused him to sexually harass me and blame me for his addiction (he said he had to use it because he wasn't getting enough sex). The drug abuse caused him so many accidents -- seizures, hallucinations, falls, sprained feet (both of them), and some serious psychotic attacks (one where he thought he had an epiphany and then he became aggressive when I did not join in his enthusiasm for his "enlightened" state). I started to fear for his life, and one day when he tried to bash down our front door to get to me (because I had tried to talk to him about an addiction specialist I found for him, and also I said I was concerned about his past history of lying to me, to doctors... including the psychologist I had organised for him)... when he tried to bash down our front door to get to me and the neighbors called the police on him and so did I, I feared for MY life. So now my spouse is (he says) homeless. I have called what little friends we had left and told them that he needs a hospital or couch to sleep on or emergency services. I passed on information about his medical condition, all the accidents he had had, all the doctors I had contacted. I was still trying to help. He rejected help from EVERYONE. He did not want a bed. He did not want food. He did not want a doctor. He wanted money. He screamed at people on the phone. He said that he would rather be homeless because he was so upset at me and my family for the way we had treated him -- we kicked him out when he had become violent (all he acknowledges is that we kicked him out, and not the violence). So I'm telling you, yes DO help. But also know when the situation is in God's hands and know when you need to leave or make them leave. Know when you need to call the cops. Know when to change the locks in your house. In the weeks before my spouse left/was kicked out, it was like his body had become a hollow shell inhabited by an angry demon. His eyes looked... wrong, weirdly vacant yet permanently angry. I was afraid of standing too close to him in the kitchen because his anger at everything was so palpable and the kitchen is where the knives live. Over the past ten years, I watched an intelligent, gentle and caring man turn into a demon's shell... and he seems totally hell-bent on taking everyone in his orbit down with him. I used to say that I was agnostic, but now I say that I'm Christian. I say that because I was raised Christian and since I have experienced being a carer for someone who was so heavily addicted to synthetic drugs that every time they smoked, I feared that they might have an accident from which they might never recover, I have started praying for them... for us, because it is all I have left. I can do nothing BUT pray... and cry. I pray that he doesn't stalk me in the street and try to kill me because he hates that he no longer has a safe space to drug himself. I pray that he does not die on the streets. I pray that he is not assaulted. I pray that he can become sober and that he will be one of the 20% who manages to stay sober for life -- whatever life he does have left. I pray that I can recover from heartbreak and fear and from the poverty that his addiction has left me with. Prayer is ALL I have left. I even pray that if he recovers, he doesn't try to take my cats away (because he loves the cats) his disease has already taken our life together away. I hope he sees that one day. I know that they say one should not have regrets, but no matter what I have done, or what I did not do, I will have regrets. I could have left him the first time he lied about his drug use. I should have done that because then I would not know about his suffering... and I would not now suffer myself.
Katz,
Good morning, I understand the pain, frustration, and hell that you have been through over the past several years. Fortunately, you have saved yourself which is all you can do. As best you can, try to enjoy every day, see the beauty that is around you and celebrate it. Stay open to life and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone new. This ordeal has made you stronger and wiser than most and I am sure you will meet someone who will appreciate those qualities and appreciate you for the person you are!
Cheers,
Michael
Good morning, I understand the pain, frustration, and hell that you have been through over the past several years. Fortunately, you have saved yourself which is all you can do. As best you can, try to enjoy every day, see the beauty that is around you and celebrate it. Stay open to life and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone new. This ordeal has made you stronger and wiser than most and I am sure you will meet someone who will appreciate those qualities and appreciate you for the person you are!
Cheers,
Michael
Hi Katz, I so agree with you and leaving a spouse that's addicted. What a scary time you've had and how you stuck it out so long I'll never know. Your stronger than I could be. I would have ran and kept on running at the first signs. I have a daughter who is my addict and if I could have taken off and ran away I would have. Now I'm about 19 yrs into this misery and stuck! I wouldn't encourage anyone to stay with an addicted spouse because there's always the uncertainty of them relapsing and then the years you've supported them was all for nothing and a waste of time. I hope you meet someone nice like yourself who appreciates you and who hasn't and doesn't do drugs. Time is a great healer and in time this relationship won't hurt so much and will become a memory to be used as an example of what type of person to watch out for next time around. I know you'll find happiness again in your life Katz. You deserve it! Good luck to you. Mary.
Thanks Michael and Mary. I didn't think anyone would reply. Some of the stories on this site are sobering (pun not intended). I hope that there's more to my life than this because at the moment I feel as if I'm staring at a dead end. I could not continue living my life with him, but I also can't imagine any sort of life without him. I stopped having wants and needs, everything was about him. So now I'm not sure what my hobbies are or even what flavour icecream I prefer... and when I think about how it might have become this way, I feel disoriented.
Oh yeah, and I also officially joined today, even though that post was on the 9th. I have an avatar and everything now. :-)
Hi Katz, It's good you've found this website as you'll have a lot in common with women on here and know your not alone. I know your heartbroken and the thought of starting over again is frightening but you'll be able to do it. Us women are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. It's a true saying that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!! Just start by doing little things differently, little changes until it becomes easier and easier to leave the old habits behind. The first thing you should stop is writing to him on your notes. Your just torturing yourself doing that. If you have to write to him do it in a journal and little by little ween yourself off doing it. Change it to accomplishments you have made in that day with moving your life forward. Join something like aerobics, or a gym and start working out. It's a good outlet for your mind and for an hour a day you will be working on you. Things will get better and thinking of him will eventually stop hurting but it takes time. Don't wait for things to change in your life go out and change them yourself. Push yourself to do this because it's easier not to. Only you can make you heal!! The sooner you start the better. Little changes will make big differences. It's sad what you've been through but you'll emerge stronger because of it. Stay strong, you can do this!! We're all here for you. ((Hugs)) Mary
Hey Katz, what heartbreak you are going through. Do you enjoy reading? I just finished Option B Dealing With Grief. It was incredibly helpful. Keep reaching out, even though it seems like no can understand. Libby
Hi Libby. Yes I like reading. Thank you. Mornings and evenings are super hard.
I 100% agree with you Katz. I was with my ex husband for five years but only married a year. I'm his second marriage. I've known him (and I knew his first wife) since we were 18 or 19. He was actually the first person I was ever with. Back then he liked to party. He was the life of the party. Everyone wanted to be around him. But he was also a "player" so he was "dating' lots of girls at the same time. Ultimately he ended up going to prison and married his first wife while in prison. I went to the military. We started to talk again a few years later. In 2012 his wife divorced him. I didn't realize how bad of a meth addict he was until it was too late really. His ex wife told me about all these horrible things he did to her BUT at the same time she was trying to get back together with him so I didn't believe her. I mean why would anyone want to be with someone who is physically, emotionally abusive and steals your money and so on?
He went back and forth between us for a year. The first time he hit me I got a protection order but I dropped it two months later. His family said he was doing better and I was close to them. I didn't plan to get serious - a month later I got pregnant. I gave him the option to walk away since we didn't plan it. He said no. Five months later he beat me again - because he couldn't get more meth. That's why the first time he was on meth and drunk. He wanted to leave to get food and I said no. That second time he tricked me into taking him to see his kids (which was a 4 1/2 hour drive then) and a few miles out of town told me he wanted meth. I said no, tried to turn around, he snapped. I didn't tell anyone. The third time yet again meth withdrawal. We had argued all day. I told him to just leave and take a walk or I'd call the police. He snapped. It was like - each time - someone else was in control. His eyes were dead and empty. Like he was possessed.
I didn't divorce him after the last time. (We got married five months before that). I almost did. I gave him another chance because we were moving closer to our families and I thought that would help. Nope. He got closer to his loser addict friends. I couldnt' take him spending all my money. Never there with me all the times our daughter has been in the hospital. Not taking care of his other kids. I paid all the bills, his child support, their presents, etc. He maxed out my credit card using the ATM and crap. Put so many miles on my car.
I kept giving him chances because I used to be on the addiction is a disease bandwagon. I'm not anymore. He has been to rehab 3 times since 2012 - he's about to hit his 4th time in rehab soon. 4 times since 2012. He has told me and he told his brother he doesn't want to be sober. "It's boring" to be sober he said. His brother told him just smoke weed. He said no it makes him drink and it's "boring." He's also blamed me for when he relapses even though most of the time in the last two years we weren't together when he did. I took him back after the divorce a couple times because the second rehab stint he seemed serious about sobriety. Working. Meetings. Not talking to his loser friends. Then he relapsed after he got arrested in Feb last year. "I still get in trouble when I do the right thing so f* it" he said. Relapsed the night I put up almost $5000 in bail on him.
So he plead to a lesser charge for that in March. He just got out after doing 3 months. He wrote me a letter about "I love you and I miss you" and how he wanted our family back and he would do anything to get it and he was not dwelling on the past and he was sorry he hurt me. He didn't realize he was hurting me. He didn't think I had feelings He was selfish. He only cared about himself and how he was going to pay me back what he had of the bail money (oh the county gave it back to him because he's the defendant) and pay me $200 a month to get the rest back. I laughed when I read it. I wrote him back and told him it reeked of bs.
Well he got out last Sunday - day before our daughter's birthday. Two hours after he got to his mom's he took off. With my money. Imagine what he did for the last week. Never called any of his kids or our daughter on her birthday. She's 3. His oldest was at his mom's and he managed to have time to lecture him about smoking pot (he's 14).
I guess Sat he OD'd. Again. His mom made it sound worse than I think it was. She told me that he was incoherent and paranoid. They did a cat scan and the doctor said he didn't know if he'd be the same again. They put him on Ativan. She told his other ex wife that they weaned him off Sunday and he woke up screaming and didn't recognize his parents and he was still paranoid. Yet somehow he got discharged Mon night after he finally woke up. But she told his brother that he got beaten up. (His mom is drama and likes to exaggerate). But he has a social worker talking to his mom so it must have been somewhat worse than the others. But she told me he's "better" and "going to treatment" yet when I called to let my daughter talk to her or him, she would ignore my calls. Said she was "trying to stay off the phone" and he's sleeping because he's not feeling better yet.
This is the problem - his mother keeps enabling the crap out of him letting him come stay with her or taking him to the hospital. Picking him up and taking him to rehab. He's 35 years old. He has four kids he's not taking care of. If I was the social worker here's my plan: Grow up. Stop being lazy and be a dad.
I wish he would get and stay sober but he just doesn't seem to want to and I have this feeling I will be taking our daughter to his funeral sooner rather than later. I don't want him to die but if he doesn't care, I don't think anyone else should care. Unfortunately I have a soul unlike him.
He went back and forth between us for a year. The first time he hit me I got a protection order but I dropped it two months later. His family said he was doing better and I was close to them. I didn't plan to get serious - a month later I got pregnant. I gave him the option to walk away since we didn't plan it. He said no. Five months later he beat me again - because he couldn't get more meth. That's why the first time he was on meth and drunk. He wanted to leave to get food and I said no. That second time he tricked me into taking him to see his kids (which was a 4 1/2 hour drive then) and a few miles out of town told me he wanted meth. I said no, tried to turn around, he snapped. I didn't tell anyone. The third time yet again meth withdrawal. We had argued all day. I told him to just leave and take a walk or I'd call the police. He snapped. It was like - each time - someone else was in control. His eyes were dead and empty. Like he was possessed.
I didn't divorce him after the last time. (We got married five months before that). I almost did. I gave him another chance because we were moving closer to our families and I thought that would help. Nope. He got closer to his loser addict friends. I couldnt' take him spending all my money. Never there with me all the times our daughter has been in the hospital. Not taking care of his other kids. I paid all the bills, his child support, their presents, etc. He maxed out my credit card using the ATM and crap. Put so many miles on my car.
I kept giving him chances because I used to be on the addiction is a disease bandwagon. I'm not anymore. He has been to rehab 3 times since 2012 - he's about to hit his 4th time in rehab soon. 4 times since 2012. He has told me and he told his brother he doesn't want to be sober. "It's boring" to be sober he said. His brother told him just smoke weed. He said no it makes him drink and it's "boring." He's also blamed me for when he relapses even though most of the time in the last two years we weren't together when he did. I took him back after the divorce a couple times because the second rehab stint he seemed serious about sobriety. Working. Meetings. Not talking to his loser friends. Then he relapsed after he got arrested in Feb last year. "I still get in trouble when I do the right thing so f* it" he said. Relapsed the night I put up almost $5000 in bail on him.
So he plead to a lesser charge for that in March. He just got out after doing 3 months. He wrote me a letter about "I love you and I miss you" and how he wanted our family back and he would do anything to get it and he was not dwelling on the past and he was sorry he hurt me. He didn't realize he was hurting me. He didn't think I had feelings He was selfish. He only cared about himself and how he was going to pay me back what he had of the bail money (oh the county gave it back to him because he's the defendant) and pay me $200 a month to get the rest back. I laughed when I read it. I wrote him back and told him it reeked of bs.
Well he got out last Sunday - day before our daughter's birthday. Two hours after he got to his mom's he took off. With my money. Imagine what he did for the last week. Never called any of his kids or our daughter on her birthday. She's 3. His oldest was at his mom's and he managed to have time to lecture him about smoking pot (he's 14).
I guess Sat he OD'd. Again. His mom made it sound worse than I think it was. She told me that he was incoherent and paranoid. They did a cat scan and the doctor said he didn't know if he'd be the same again. They put him on Ativan. She told his other ex wife that they weaned him off Sunday and he woke up screaming and didn't recognize his parents and he was still paranoid. Yet somehow he got discharged Mon night after he finally woke up. But she told his brother that he got beaten up. (His mom is drama and likes to exaggerate). But he has a social worker talking to his mom so it must have been somewhat worse than the others. But she told me he's "better" and "going to treatment" yet when I called to let my daughter talk to her or him, she would ignore my calls. Said she was "trying to stay off the phone" and he's sleeping because he's not feeling better yet.
This is the problem - his mother keeps enabling the crap out of him letting him come stay with her or taking him to the hospital. Picking him up and taking him to rehab. He's 35 years old. He has four kids he's not taking care of. If I was the social worker here's my plan: Grow up. Stop being lazy and be a dad.
I wish he would get and stay sober but he just doesn't seem to want to and I have this feeling I will be taking our daughter to his funeral sooner rather than later. I don't want him to die but if he doesn't care, I don't think anyone else should care. Unfortunately I have a soul unlike him.
Hey Katz.. mornings have always been the worst for me. It seems like when I slept, it was not real. Then I wakee up, have about 10 seconds of unreal.... then another day of REAL BRUTAL and unrelenting sadnes to face. Our stories are different i.e. spouse vs child, but hearts all break after awhile. . Hope you keep posting. , and that you have a a posse close by. Libby
Oh god. Sparks82... I sometimes fantasize about my husband achieving sobriety in a few months and then us getting back together, but the more I read the forums, the less likely it seems. For one thing, I have no idea if he will ever be able to stay sober. His longest period of sobriety was one month. He claimed that he was sober for four years when we moved in together and that he only started smoking synthetic cannabis (aka: spice/incense) when he developed migraines (he claimed it was for pain relief... really? I mean, I tried to get him medical marijuana but he said that it wouldn't "work" cause it's not strong enough), but I know that it's not true because I used to find zip lock bags of what looked like herbal tea in his work bag. When I asked what it was, he said, he had no idea. I said if it's tea maybe we should brew it and drink it. He said, no, throw it away. I said if you don't know what it is, how did it get in your bag? He said, I don't know, maybe one of my students put it there. How on earth would a student be able to get into his bag and why would they put tea there? It just didn't add up. But I just forgot about it because I assume that maybe I had packed him a lunch at some point and put some tea bag tea in for him, and maybe the tea bag tore and he transferred it to a zip lock but didn't remember. Later in our relationship, I discovered that he had been lying and smoking synthetic drugs, and I saw that they looked exactly like herbal tea -- he could easily unpackage the drug and transfer it to a zip lock and label it "tea". So I have no idea how long he has really been using or how long he has been lying to me. It is possible that he never loved me, and you might think that would hurt me the most, but it's not what hurts the most. What hurts the most is the possibility that this was a man who really wanted to be clean, so he married a woman (me) who didn't do drugs, smoke, or even drink alcohol or coffee, and then he could not stay clean. It is possible that this was a person who loved me as much as it is possible for an addict to love anyone. That is what hurts me the most -- the dissolution of a real relationship causes so much more pain than the idea that this is just the end of a ten-year ruse. It's been about a month since he became homeless and every time I cook something nice, eat something nice, or wear something comfortable or enjoy something, I think of him not having any of those things. I am in the Southern Hemisphere and it's cold here, winter now, and I hope he lives.
One of the ways I cope now is by checking the forums. It makes me feel less alone.
One of the ways I cope now is by checking the forums. It makes me feel less alone.
Libby, as I tried to get him into rehab, and cleaned after him and cared for him, it was a little bit like he was my child. I rescued him so many times. I paid off his dental bills. I bought clothes for him. I lent him money. I bought food for him. I drew baths for him. I dressed him... yeah this was like having a "child" (he didn't like it either). I should not have done these things. At the time, he attributed all his symptoms to PTSD. He said that the drug helped, it was not addiction, it helped the PTSD. I also trusted him... until I did not. When I realised how deep his lies were, and when I stopped trusting him, his drug use became very dangerous -- it was almost as if he was trying to OD deliberately. He once said, "you're better off without me" and when he had a near-death experience and saw a "white light" after a seizure, he said, "that was the happiest I have never been in the past four years." He started becoming more and more emotionally and psychologically abusive (screaming, slamming doors, gas-lighting me... I started hiding all the valuables around the house). In one of our relationship counseling meetings, he even told the counselor that he no longer saw me as his wife, but more like a sister, and that he had started to find other women attractive. I was and am totally heartbroken. I have some interesting dreams now that he's gone. Dreams that I have a happy relationship with a healthy man. Dreams that this healthy dream-man is someone I am married to. Then I wake up. Then there is about ten minutes where I realise that in reality, my life is some sort of nightmare reaching it's denouement. I can't seem to close this chapter. I fear that one day there will be a knock on my front door and a cop will be standing there and telling me the "bad news". It's easier to detach from a husband than from a child, I think. I don't have children. I did want them.
Katz
I hope that he gets sober for the sake of our daughter and his other kids. But I know he won't. It sucks because I still have this spot for him deep, deep in my heart that I wish I could cut out like cancer. He's been using pretty much over half his life now. The fact that I'm not the only one who he told "I don't like to be sober, it's boring" makes me realize he won't change. I used to think I could change him. That I was the one woman in the world he would change for. I was stupid. The five months he was in the rehab and the halfway house were the best time I had with him. I thought he was happy but he has said he wasn't. He was though. Last year on Valentine's Day he was still in the halfway house and working. We went out to eat with our daughter and he surprised me with a dozen roses. I was shocked and yeah embarrassed because everyone was looking at me but I don't like to be the center of attention. He thought I didn't like it but I did and I told him. He told me he spent $75 on those flowers. I said please never do that again. I'd rather you go pick them or he could have bought a $10 bouquet at Walmart. He said he's never done that for anyone else and I think he was telling the truth. I know his ex wife and most of the people he's been with.
I knew that he had used meth when we got back together. I didn't know how bad it was though and I thought I could help him and I kept saying "He's an addict he can't help it." But they can!!! They do choose to be addicts. Yes I know it's hard to quit meth. I've read about it but it's possible. If something was keeping me from my kids, my family and causing me to hurt the people I love I would do everything I could to stop it. He doesn't. Four rehab visits in 4 1/2 years? He just got out of rehab in Feb. He came and stayed with me for what was supposed to be a week and turned into 2 months almost. He drank within a week. He lied to me to get money and my car within the month. He took off three times and lied to me. I knew it I could see his FB messages. The time he got pulled over...
Then his damn mom keeps helping him out. "When he gets out of jail I told him he can't stay here." Yeah he didn't - until he OD'd last weekend. Got out Monday. He's at his mom's until he can get into treatment. I told her that she needs to stop. SHe's been ignoring me.
My daughter keeps wanting to talk to him and she's 3 and doesn't understand why she can't talk to him. I am soooo glad he never showed up to the hearings for our divorce. He has no visitation plan because he hasn't done the parenting class. So I have discretion until he does it. Oh he blamed me for that once last year when we were fighting. "If I knew you were gonna screw me over I would have showed up." Um no jerk you didn't show up because you were too busy scamming me for meth money but using the guise of you had a job. Last summer the last time he asked me for money he asked me to order him a pizza. I said do you realize how pathetic that is?
Then right before our daughter's surgery in November he asked me for money twice. I said no. You can get a job. He told me I was cold hearted. "I would give you the shirt off my back." I said well you haven't in five years. I hate it when he says that. Like when he was trying to get me to bail him out. I knew it was too much money. He knows how to get to me. "If you needed bailed out I'd find a way even if it was $15,000." I said no you wouldn't and if my bail was $15,000 no one better do it. I did something really bad.
He's just so manipulative, careless, selfish. I don't want him to die but honestly, he's slowly killing himself with using meth. So I'm getting to the point where if he wants to kill himself he either needs to do it or get sober. I hate that I felt sorry for him on SUnday because his mom made it sound worse than I think it was. I can't see how he got discharged after two days if he was psychotic and couldn't handle weaned off Ativan. And his mom told his brother he got beaten up? Now he deserves a good beatdown after what he did to me, his first wife and his best friend. I don't want him to turn himself into a vegetable or die but it's his choice. I know he will use again after rehab. He always does. He doesn't take it seriously.
His oldest two are almost 15, 14. They will be graduating in a few years. He's letting them slip by and missing out. He's missing out on the other two as well.
I don't regret my daughter but damn it I regret him. He's done nothing but hurt me in every way he can and the last few years so has one of his sisters. I was close to his twin sisters. Then one twin met this guy after she was with an abusive d*** she had four kids with. So four years ago she met this guy. He's 8 years older than her. Already has a kid and his kid has kids. So he's a grandpa. I met him and she asked what I thought. I said "eh I guess if you like him." I didn't know she would be engaged in a month and married in less than a year later. I eventually told him off after they had an argument and he busted her phone. She got mad at me!! Now we aren't friends and I dont' get to see her kids who are like nieces to me. And this guy is an alcoholic. Rehab twice in the last two years. Actually he went to the same rehab as my ex a week after he got out. He had seizures the first night he was there that's how into alcohol he is. I tried to talk to her when he was gone but she didn't answer. But her mom said she was acting like her normal self. I knew it. I know he has changed her. No one likes him. Her sister even admitted she married him because she got tired of being alone. The kids were calling him dad less than a year after they were married. Yeah their dad is a pos but he's still their dad. He gives me a creeper vibe too.
I'm just really irritated and frustrated with my ex and the way his family tiptoes around his addiction. I wish he would explain to me what he did with the money. I'm going to tell him that he isn't seeing her while he's in rehab and he will not have her alone until he's sober and stable at least a year. That if he wants me to trust him he better pay that money back to start with.
I hoped he fried his brain to where he would forget he's addicted to meth. That would be helpful.
I hope that he gets sober for the sake of our daughter and his other kids. But I know he won't. It sucks because I still have this spot for him deep, deep in my heart that I wish I could cut out like cancer. He's been using pretty much over half his life now. The fact that I'm not the only one who he told "I don't like to be sober, it's boring" makes me realize he won't change. I used to think I could change him. That I was the one woman in the world he would change for. I was stupid. The five months he was in the rehab and the halfway house were the best time I had with him. I thought he was happy but he has said he wasn't. He was though. Last year on Valentine's Day he was still in the halfway house and working. We went out to eat with our daughter and he surprised me with a dozen roses. I was shocked and yeah embarrassed because everyone was looking at me but I don't like to be the center of attention. He thought I didn't like it but I did and I told him. He told me he spent $75 on those flowers. I said please never do that again. I'd rather you go pick them or he could have bought a $10 bouquet at Walmart. He said he's never done that for anyone else and I think he was telling the truth. I know his ex wife and most of the people he's been with.
I knew that he had used meth when we got back together. I didn't know how bad it was though and I thought I could help him and I kept saying "He's an addict he can't help it." But they can!!! They do choose to be addicts. Yes I know it's hard to quit meth. I've read about it but it's possible. If something was keeping me from my kids, my family and causing me to hurt the people I love I would do everything I could to stop it. He doesn't. Four rehab visits in 4 1/2 years? He just got out of rehab in Feb. He came and stayed with me for what was supposed to be a week and turned into 2 months almost. He drank within a week. He lied to me to get money and my car within the month. He took off three times and lied to me. I knew it I could see his FB messages. The time he got pulled over...
Then his damn mom keeps helping him out. "When he gets out of jail I told him he can't stay here." Yeah he didn't - until he OD'd last weekend. Got out Monday. He's at his mom's until he can get into treatment. I told her that she needs to stop. SHe's been ignoring me.
My daughter keeps wanting to talk to him and she's 3 and doesn't understand why she can't talk to him. I am soooo glad he never showed up to the hearings for our divorce. He has no visitation plan because he hasn't done the parenting class. So I have discretion until he does it. Oh he blamed me for that once last year when we were fighting. "If I knew you were gonna screw me over I would have showed up." Um no jerk you didn't show up because you were too busy scamming me for meth money but using the guise of you had a job. Last summer the last time he asked me for money he asked me to order him a pizza. I said do you realize how pathetic that is?
Then right before our daughter's surgery in November he asked me for money twice. I said no. You can get a job. He told me I was cold hearted. "I would give you the shirt off my back." I said well you haven't in five years. I hate it when he says that. Like when he was trying to get me to bail him out. I knew it was too much money. He knows how to get to me. "If you needed bailed out I'd find a way even if it was $15,000." I said no you wouldn't and if my bail was $15,000 no one better do it. I did something really bad.
He's just so manipulative, careless, selfish. I don't want him to die but honestly, he's slowly killing himself with using meth. So I'm getting to the point where if he wants to kill himself he either needs to do it or get sober. I hate that I felt sorry for him on SUnday because his mom made it sound worse than I think it was. I can't see how he got discharged after two days if he was psychotic and couldn't handle weaned off Ativan. And his mom told his brother he got beaten up? Now he deserves a good beatdown after what he did to me, his first wife and his best friend. I don't want him to turn himself into a vegetable or die but it's his choice. I know he will use again after rehab. He always does. He doesn't take it seriously.
His oldest two are almost 15, 14. They will be graduating in a few years. He's letting them slip by and missing out. He's missing out on the other two as well.
I don't regret my daughter but damn it I regret him. He's done nothing but hurt me in every way he can and the last few years so has one of his sisters. I was close to his twin sisters. Then one twin met this guy after she was with an abusive d*** she had four kids with. So four years ago she met this guy. He's 8 years older than her. Already has a kid and his kid has kids. So he's a grandpa. I met him and she asked what I thought. I said "eh I guess if you like him." I didn't know she would be engaged in a month and married in less than a year later. I eventually told him off after they had an argument and he busted her phone. She got mad at me!! Now we aren't friends and I dont' get to see her kids who are like nieces to me. And this guy is an alcoholic. Rehab twice in the last two years. Actually he went to the same rehab as my ex a week after he got out. He had seizures the first night he was there that's how into alcohol he is. I tried to talk to her when he was gone but she didn't answer. But her mom said she was acting like her normal self. I knew it. I know he has changed her. No one likes him. Her sister even admitted she married him because she got tired of being alone. The kids were calling him dad less than a year after they were married. Yeah their dad is a pos but he's still their dad. He gives me a creeper vibe too.
I'm just really irritated and frustrated with my ex and the way his family tiptoes around his addiction. I wish he would explain to me what he did with the money. I'm going to tell him that he isn't seeing her while he's in rehab and he will not have her alone until he's sober and stable at least a year. That if he wants me to trust him he better pay that money back to start with.
I hoped he fried his brain to where he would forget he's addicted to meth. That would be helpful.
Sparks82, I think the best thing for you would be to remove these people from your life. It would be best for you and your kids, even if they don't get to see their father. The man who is supposed to be their father can't be "fatherly", so it's no loss. Also, I think his family has some toxic issues. They enabling behavior is shared not just by the mother but her daughter, who married an addict. It's a real shame. I think you need to walk a different path. Take your kids with you, protect them, and let go. You won't get your money back. If you hold on to the idea that you should be paid back, you allow the addict access to your life and they can continue being emotionally, psychologically, and financially abusive. Addiction makes people incredibly selfish. So this is much easier said than done. I still think of my ex-spouse every day. I have not divorced him yet because where I live (I'm not in the USA), you have to be separated for 12 months before you can legally divorce. If I had a kid with him, I would probably think twice before trying to get a restraining order. It is so difficult to let go of someone you love, particularly if you fear that they might kill themselves without you. Unfortunately, you can't stop that from happening. If they are going to die of an overdose, they will do it with or without you. You can't count on someone who isn't there. A person who is addicted to drugs can't be there for you, for anyone, for themselves. They use drugs specifically to get away from reality, from themselves... they just don't want to be present... in life, generally. It's very sad. People we know, when they see my ex, they know that what they are seeing is not him, it's just his body, filled with whatever damage the drug has done to him, just his body walking around like a zombie. There's no one home anymore. His body might say things to you -- "I just need a twenty to buy a pizza... I just need 50 dollars cause I have a headache... I just need...etc... because I want to pay my bill and I love you... please, I love you...." It's not him that's talking, it's the drugs. The drugs have moved in and he has moved out. He's out there somewhere, probably trying to get back home to himself, but that's not your responsibility.
Katz
That sister hasn't talked to me since she "disowned" me. Well I messaged her last year like August because she was trying to stir s*** up. I only have one kid with him thank goodness. His other ex wife has two with him. The oldest was a result of a one night stand...he didn't know about him until he was 2 months old. He hasn't taken care of any of them really. He's behind on child support. Doesn't pay half daycare.
Oh let me tell you what happened this weekend. His family is certifiably nuts and super enablers. So I noticed that the sister I do get along with posted about her anniversary with her husband and thanked her mother, her stepdad and her brother (my ex) for watching her kids. I was like "WTF?" He hasn't tried to call our daughter when I told his mom she wants to talk to him but he can spend time with his nieces and nephew? And what the hell was his sister thinking letting him be around her kids when as far as I was told he basically had a psychotic break from a meth overdose the Sat before that. All I did was text his mom and say that I find it messed up he can spend time with them and not call our daughter. AND I found out from his daughter that he has called them since he's been at his mom's the last week. But anyway so his mom forwarded the text I sent to his sister and she messaged me. "He's my brother and he's family and I'll always love him." Oh I think I said they're enabling him letting him stay there all the time. She said also "We're not enabling him." I said you know what if my brothers acted like him I'd never let them near me or my kid until they were stable. I definitely wouldn't let any one of them watch the kid. "It's none of your business who watches my kids and mom was there the whole time." SO!! His mom is just as nuts. I wouldn't ever leave my daughter alone with her. So then I messaged his mom and I called her a c*** and told her I will never have anything to do with her again. I said I am done talking to you about my daughter and her medical stuff. I never said she couldn't come see her though. And I went off. Told her she's nuts. She's f***ed up her kids. It's partly her fault he's an addict because she constantly enables him and lets him come home every time he relapses. Then I blocked her on messages. So she texts me. And tells me I am crazy. LOL me. Right. Then this...she says "I'm taking you to court for visitation." I said LOL you can't. Grandparents have no visitation rights in this state. So go ahead and try. "I will." I said they'll laugh at you. I said you want to mess with me, I'll get a protection order against you. "You have to have evidence." I said well with your mental instability and your abusive husband I bet I can. I said don't mess with me when it comes to my daughter.
So I posted about it on FB. She comments "I never wanted custody I want to just see my granddaughter." I said moron no one said you couldn't see her I said I wasn't going to talk to you about her. Then she posts on her FB "I just can't make anyone happy" and gets all this sympathy so I commented "Stop the victim card. You aren't a victim. No one said you can't see her. I said I wouldn't talk to you anymore." She deleted it. BUT moron forgot she gave me her FB password a year ago and I saw in her messages talking to a friend and she told her friend I'm crazy, that I used to take her son to drug houses and give him money for drugs and that I keep wanting to talk to him but he doesn't want ot talk to me and she's trying to keep him calm until rehab. I never wanted to talk to him. Our daughter did. I told her that. I don't care if I ever see him again.
Oh I know the money is gone. He actually accepted my friend request (I did it as a joke really) and I posted saying if he wanted to talk to our daughter while he could still video chat (Supposed to start rehab today) he better do it. "I can't message you." I said you blocked me. That's why. So he unblocked me and called and at first it took her a few minutes to warm up to him. She hasn't seen him since March. But then she did and was running around and when he had to say goodbye she did cry. But then I asked him which rehab so if he calls to talk to her I know which number it is and he told me. He's been there before. He said "I'd like to talk to you too" I said I don't know. I really am pissed and hurt and upset at you after what you did. And you didn't talk to her for two weeks and missed her birthday. He said "I know I was going to use that money to buy a bunch of dope and flip it so I could give you all your money back but I used too much and that's no excuse and I was wrong." I said be real you weren't giving em that money back. He said he was afraid to call her on her birthday he was using. I told him he needs to get his crap together and that if he wants to see her after rehab he has to come to her and I will meet him somewhere public. He said "I doubt that will happen but who knows?" I said really? You can find a way to get drugs and get to rehab but no one can take you to see your daughter? I thought your mom would jump at the chance since she threatened to take me to court...
I know his mom doesn't care about our daughter. She only cares about his oldest because he looks like him. She never does anything with the other two - his daughter thinks his family hates them. They rarely come visit my daughter. His sister does only if she's already in town. They have come to the hospital a few times out of her 13 admissions. They rarely ask about her. Yeah they love her but they don't really show it. I take her to as much of his family events as I can. It's not easy when she's got medical issues and waiting for a transplant.
Then I wondered after I fought with his mom and his sister said this too: "Maybe mom doesn't want you to talk to him because you'll say negative things in the background." I said for real? You don't know me better than that? I thought - what's their limit on "family?" Is it when he hurts one of his sisters? His parents? One of his nieces or nephews? If he kills one of them or someone else? I wonder what if the last time he attacked me he had killed me - would they still love and support him? What if he had put me in the hospital? His sisters saw me after the first time he hit me...and yet nothing. But I gave him chances after that too.
I know he's not going to get sober - he has told me he doesn't like it. "It's boring." And when he messaged me last night it was so empty. I know it was online but it just seemed like words. I told him I need action because his words are meaningless.
His brother's gf - she doesn't leave her kid with his mom because last time she did he stepped on broken glass at her house. They don't seem like they were paying attention to him. I wouldn't leave my daughter alone with any of them honestly. That's why when I have to be away for the military she will go to my brother and his wife.
If any of us acted like this in my family my dad and mom would have cut us off long ago. He stole 3000 in checks from his dad. That Christmas his dad gave him a $50 gift card and even my ex was like wtf? His dad dropped the investigation. So he got away with it. He wrote checks on account once and I let it go but I was dealing with our daughter. I should've told them who did it.
I know what's going to happen when he does kill himself. HIs mom is going to "woe is me" and how she's a victim and her wonderful son and blah blah. I know at the funeral what they will all say and ignore the truth. If I get to say something I'm not holding back. And his obituary will be like three lines. Where he was born, his parents, where he went to high school, his year of college and then who he is survived by and who preceded him. That's it. But he chose it.
He can try to think he can con me again but he won't. I dont' believe a word he says. If his mom ever tries to talk to me again I'm ignoring her. She better not ever come around me again either.
That sister hasn't talked to me since she "disowned" me. Well I messaged her last year like August because she was trying to stir s*** up. I only have one kid with him thank goodness. His other ex wife has two with him. The oldest was a result of a one night stand...he didn't know about him until he was 2 months old. He hasn't taken care of any of them really. He's behind on child support. Doesn't pay half daycare.
Oh let me tell you what happened this weekend. His family is certifiably nuts and super enablers. So I noticed that the sister I do get along with posted about her anniversary with her husband and thanked her mother, her stepdad and her brother (my ex) for watching her kids. I was like "WTF?" He hasn't tried to call our daughter when I told his mom she wants to talk to him but he can spend time with his nieces and nephew? And what the hell was his sister thinking letting him be around her kids when as far as I was told he basically had a psychotic break from a meth overdose the Sat before that. All I did was text his mom and say that I find it messed up he can spend time with them and not call our daughter. AND I found out from his daughter that he has called them since he's been at his mom's the last week. But anyway so his mom forwarded the text I sent to his sister and she messaged me. "He's my brother and he's family and I'll always love him." Oh I think I said they're enabling him letting him stay there all the time. She said also "We're not enabling him." I said you know what if my brothers acted like him I'd never let them near me or my kid until they were stable. I definitely wouldn't let any one of them watch the kid. "It's none of your business who watches my kids and mom was there the whole time." SO!! His mom is just as nuts. I wouldn't ever leave my daughter alone with her. So then I messaged his mom and I called her a c*** and told her I will never have anything to do with her again. I said I am done talking to you about my daughter and her medical stuff. I never said she couldn't come see her though. And I went off. Told her she's nuts. She's f***ed up her kids. It's partly her fault he's an addict because she constantly enables him and lets him come home every time he relapses. Then I blocked her on messages. So she texts me. And tells me I am crazy. LOL me. Right. Then this...she says "I'm taking you to court for visitation." I said LOL you can't. Grandparents have no visitation rights in this state. So go ahead and try. "I will." I said they'll laugh at you. I said you want to mess with me, I'll get a protection order against you. "You have to have evidence." I said well with your mental instability and your abusive husband I bet I can. I said don't mess with me when it comes to my daughter.
So I posted about it on FB. She comments "I never wanted custody I want to just see my granddaughter." I said moron no one said you couldn't see her I said I wasn't going to talk to you about her. Then she posts on her FB "I just can't make anyone happy" and gets all this sympathy so I commented "Stop the victim card. You aren't a victim. No one said you can't see her. I said I wouldn't talk to you anymore." She deleted it. BUT moron forgot she gave me her FB password a year ago and I saw in her messages talking to a friend and she told her friend I'm crazy, that I used to take her son to drug houses and give him money for drugs and that I keep wanting to talk to him but he doesn't want ot talk to me and she's trying to keep him calm until rehab. I never wanted to talk to him. Our daughter did. I told her that. I don't care if I ever see him again.
Oh I know the money is gone. He actually accepted my friend request (I did it as a joke really) and I posted saying if he wanted to talk to our daughter while he could still video chat (Supposed to start rehab today) he better do it. "I can't message you." I said you blocked me. That's why. So he unblocked me and called and at first it took her a few minutes to warm up to him. She hasn't seen him since March. But then she did and was running around and when he had to say goodbye she did cry. But then I asked him which rehab so if he calls to talk to her I know which number it is and he told me. He's been there before. He said "I'd like to talk to you too" I said I don't know. I really am pissed and hurt and upset at you after what you did. And you didn't talk to her for two weeks and missed her birthday. He said "I know I was going to use that money to buy a bunch of dope and flip it so I could give you all your money back but I used too much and that's no excuse and I was wrong." I said be real you weren't giving em that money back. He said he was afraid to call her on her birthday he was using. I told him he needs to get his crap together and that if he wants to see her after rehab he has to come to her and I will meet him somewhere public. He said "I doubt that will happen but who knows?" I said really? You can find a way to get drugs and get to rehab but no one can take you to see your daughter? I thought your mom would jump at the chance since she threatened to take me to court...
I know his mom doesn't care about our daughter. She only cares about his oldest because he looks like him. She never does anything with the other two - his daughter thinks his family hates them. They rarely come visit my daughter. His sister does only if she's already in town. They have come to the hospital a few times out of her 13 admissions. They rarely ask about her. Yeah they love her but they don't really show it. I take her to as much of his family events as I can. It's not easy when she's got medical issues and waiting for a transplant.
Then I wondered after I fought with his mom and his sister said this too: "Maybe mom doesn't want you to talk to him because you'll say negative things in the background." I said for real? You don't know me better than that? I thought - what's their limit on "family?" Is it when he hurts one of his sisters? His parents? One of his nieces or nephews? If he kills one of them or someone else? I wonder what if the last time he attacked me he had killed me - would they still love and support him? What if he had put me in the hospital? His sisters saw me after the first time he hit me...and yet nothing. But I gave him chances after that too.
I know he's not going to get sober - he has told me he doesn't like it. "It's boring." And when he messaged me last night it was so empty. I know it was online but it just seemed like words. I told him I need action because his words are meaningless.
His brother's gf - she doesn't leave her kid with his mom because last time she did he stepped on broken glass at her house. They don't seem like they were paying attention to him. I wouldn't leave my daughter alone with any of them honestly. That's why when I have to be away for the military she will go to my brother and his wife.
If any of us acted like this in my family my dad and mom would have cut us off long ago. He stole 3000 in checks from his dad. That Christmas his dad gave him a $50 gift card and even my ex was like wtf? His dad dropped the investigation. So he got away with it. He wrote checks on account once and I let it go but I was dealing with our daughter. I should've told them who did it.
I know what's going to happen when he does kill himself. HIs mom is going to "woe is me" and how she's a victim and her wonderful son and blah blah. I know at the funeral what they will all say and ignore the truth. If I get to say something I'm not holding back. And his obituary will be like three lines. Where he was born, his parents, where he went to high school, his year of college and then who he is survived by and who preceded him. That's it. But he chose it.
He can try to think he can con me again but he won't. I dont' believe a word he says. If his mom ever tries to talk to me again I'm ignoring her. She better not ever come around me again either.
