Tokiwrain

well well 240 days clean or280 cant remember...you did it my sweet boy..wish I could fly to you and take you to dinner...you are so worth loving ....I really care for you and your well being kiwrain... and I believe in you ....and good or bad IU will always be there for you my sweet boy or sweet man ,,either way your my little boy wonder....love poopie I was going out of town ..but dog is still mending so need to be home ....poopielove you
Poopie,

Hello Poopster!

Thanks for the post. Im at 244 days +/- 3% 19 times out of 20. LOL

Yea, Im still clean but I honestly dont feel too good. Not gonna lie....Ive been holding it in forever and ever hoping it would get better but its not...

Arghh. My damn back is like paralysing me! My back, neck, the headaches, the 2 surgeries on my hands last month didnt work and above that my right hand even got infected! FACK! - it really hurted and I had to take antibodics that gave me the runs and I still had to squeeze the puss out of it every couple hrs...

As for my back, i went for xrays, etc again. The doc said its fractured, I have some compression fractures in my neck, and my headaches are so bad and they last for hrs and hrs just pounding away at me... I cant shower long or shave long cause my lower back just seizes up and turns to knots.. My neck feels like cement its soooooooooooooooooo tight..

I didnt say anything to anyone for months... I thought it would get better. I even stopped training/working out. My life style, my love. Even that didnt help at all...

So now..Im finally talking about it, even to my family, etc. But what can you do?? I don't have any options?? More surgery??????

I think the best thing to do is take my dads rifle and blow my brains across the wall and then maybe the pain will subside...

Kiwi.
Kiwi,
Don't ever say that again, its upsetting. There has to be something more that can be done for you.
Kiwi Im so sorry to ask you this but what is the name of what you have again?Im so sad to know you are hurting this much.I wish I could do more than just offer my friendship.But at this point in my life that is all I can give.Please I hope you feel if you want to talk you can with me anytime.Hope you feel better soon....or at least as better as you can..mj
Briar,

Yea I know I shouldnt say that. I was so mad one day I even said it to my mom and she got really, really, really mad at me.

But at some point I guess people just get fed up.... I mean Im happy to be off pain killers yea for 8+ months. I guess I thought the rest would fall into place at some point....I guess I was wrong.

Kiwi
Dear Kiwi I think thats a mistake ALOT of us make.We somehow think that once we stop usen that life is just great.We want to belive that it was the drugs that made us so upset at life.Well as you are def finding out life at time can be so hard its heartbreaking.And WHY do we live at all whats the purpose?
I dont have the answers all I can say is I think life comes in major waves.One week your life can be good & peaceful the next week all hell can break loose.I guess the trick maybe to keep the good moments going for as long as we can & try & remember the hard times must happen for us to appriecate the good times.Sorry your sad..mj
Go see about surgery.I dont know about you but I heard if you kill yourself you have to come back and do it all over again f*** that s***!!!lol Anyway Im from Ontario hoe long would you have to wait for surgery or does Alberta have a 2 tier system now?
Kiwi If you check out YOULL NEVER KNOW WHAT GREAT THINGS YOUVE MISSED>PLEASE PLEASE keep talking to us.Dont give into that dark pit thats pulling at you.I told you once & Ill say it again.I ALWAYS thought you had alot to offer & now that I see you opening up & being nicer I think of all the good help you can bring to most of us.You have been so strong for so long.Anyways I wanted you to know that you are an important part of this board and I hope you feel the need to keep on keeping on....mj
Tracey,

Thanks for the reply. Im very, very skeptical about having back surgery. I guess thats my last option?? I really don't have faith in specialists or surgeons..

After having to go for 4 rectal/bowel reconstructions because the egotistical jerk specialist/surgeon couldn't do it right and wouldn't accept he screwed up and ended up sending me to someone else. Not to mention having 6 colonoscopies and given very strong expensive medications that did more harm then help because they couldn't figure out if I had Crohns Disease, Ulcerative Colitis or IBS or something else. My faith in the medical system is not strong.

I mean to this day my bowel movements aren't what they used to be and I still have lots of uncontrollable stomach aches/cramps, diahhrea, pains from the other specialists work...

So having my back operated on?? I mean if they screw up I could be in a wheel chair for the rest of my life combing my hair with my tongue..

Kiwi
Kiwi have you ever tried bentyl for the stomach cramps I have IBS and know what it feels like and with you still having the cramps like that it maight help some.........Jessica
The stomach thing has to suck big time. I hate it when my stomach gets upset and couldn't imagine it on a continual basis, all the time. I do feel for you. It would be hard to almost go anywhere without worrying about being too far from the bathroom. So what now? Do you just have to live with it?
HI,

Kiwi don't you dare talk like that ive seen first hand what that can do SO PLEASE remember how you helped me when my cousin took his life his mother to this day still blaims her self and wonders what she could have done or didn't do to stop it' it tour that family apart you have a mother who loves you very much you know dear kiwi what that would do to her and your family you were one of the members that helped me to see no matter how close my cousin and i were he made that choice to end his life it was not my fault i understand that it is your pain talking and i know you are a very strong person so you just keep on fighting and about those stomach cramps have you tried amoidium it stops cramps and diariea it works it does just the opisit of exlaxs please take care of your self.

LOVE + HUGS
LITTLE H.
I wouldn't go thru the surgery thing, since it didn't seem to work before. I just want to tell you about this program I went to and they have similar ones all over the country. The Dr. I saw happens to be here in K.C. but started this program at Mayo's. He has chronic pain also and he is very much against meds of any kind. He originally started this behavior program for heart patients, but realized "why wouldn't it work for chronic pain pts". It's a 6 week program M-F all day for 6 weeks because that is how long it is to readajust your mind. This program is physical therapy plus mental therapy. Some people think this is crazy but it's not. I'm living proof that it does work. I was taking so many meds and felt I would the rest of my life, but I have now been off pain pill for 6 weeks and my pain is so much better. It's not totally gone and never will be but the flares are less and less. They teach you how to pace yourself, how to relax and not do things that would bring on flares that last for several days. You finally feel you have control over your life instead of it having control over you. If you would like some info on it, I'm there every week so I can get it and mail it too you. You can e-mail me your address if you're interested. It totally has changed my life because I was at the point of killing myself. The Dr. probably knows of all the clinics in the U.S. so I can find out. My e-mail is ddagast@kc.rr.com and let me know if you are interested. Take care of yourself and remember your life is much more important than what you may be thinking right now.
Hey Kiwi, I have a lot of the same things going on as you. IBS or Crohns or whatever name they give it this week. Have had a fusion which helped a great deal, but the discs above bear all teh stress. Had an injury and am doing better, but totally missing one in the middle of my back. I know you train...I stay in shape and it's the best thing for pain. But that's our dilemma isn't it. We truly are the reason pain meds were created, but we messed up. I wish I had magic words or voodoo to ease your pain. It's so hard to function in agony. But such is our lot in life. Focus on the good. See a different dr on your back. I had a bone graft, diskectomy and fusion and was nearly pain free for like 10 years. Got bad for a couple, but through training I'm feeling pretty good now. I eat very carefully...mucho fiber, I know you know all this. But life is a gift, even if it doesn't seem like it. A veil of tears some of the time, but others a wonder. Please let me know if I can help or answer questions about back stuff. Been there...on the gut too. Beck rrose9@aol.com