Hey Now,
One of my main modivations for quitting is that I'd like to have a baby. I've been on this quest since I quit smoking cigs 5 years ago. I practice a natural diet and lifesyle, finally culminating to my biggest kick of all, pot, 3 months ago Aug. 12th. My gripe is that my husband who wants a child as well, is still smoking pot, a pipe, and drinking Dr. Peppers out the wazoo. I have put up a curtain from the living room so I don't have to be subjected to smelling it, but I feel I'm doing all the work and he's not even trying. My friends husband was just told that his sperm is so stoned they swim crooked or not at all because of prolonged useage. I started out with this great attitude of non-judgement. His activities are HIS concern, and it just brings me out of my own peace when I get in his business. But I'm pissed that he's not caring or that he doesn't think that he's doing anything detremental to his health. Then Peter Jennings Dying of lung cancer at such a young age and so quickly, just makes me even more afraid of losing him. What if I do have a baby and he dies or something? I just needed to vent. It's useless telling him about it anymore.
Pearly, I am really glad to hear that you are still clean. Feel free to come here to vent whenever you wish.
I really cannot offer much advice about being married to an addict or wanting to start a family. My sense is that addicts make lousy spouses and worse parents, but my best thinking on this subject has kept me single.
Please keep up the good work, though. Hopefully someone with more experience than me can help. You might consider posting on the families and partners forum. There are some good people over there that might be able to offer some insight.
All the best,
August
I really cannot offer much advice about being married to an addict or wanting to start a family. My sense is that addicts make lousy spouses and worse parents, but my best thinking on this subject has kept me single.
Please keep up the good work, though. Hopefully someone with more experience than me can help. You might consider posting on the families and partners forum. There are some good people over there that might be able to offer some insight.
All the best,
August
pearly,
i have read some of your post berore and glad to hear you are still clean, i think your initial reaction could have been the best, he is probably gonna do what he is gonna do without you losing site of what is important to you. does he do other drugs? i have a stoner friend that now has a two year old, we teased him about his stoned sperms but apparently they could still swim. I am an addict and i have been a pretty good mom. i am sure i wouldnt win the mother of the year award. but is he serious about having kids too? good luck to ya, and you get back to your good spot, you cant change him.
i have read some of your post berore and glad to hear you are still clean, i think your initial reaction could have been the best, he is probably gonna do what he is gonna do without you losing site of what is important to you. does he do other drugs? i have a stoner friend that now has a two year old, we teased him about his stoned sperms but apparently they could still swim. I am an addict and i have been a pretty good mom. i am sure i wouldnt win the mother of the year award. but is he serious about having kids too? good luck to ya, and you get back to your good spot, you cant change him.
Pearly:
Congrats on staying clean even though your spouse still uses!
I'm in the same exact situation.
Luckily, I had doctors on my side who told him flat out that I needed to quit due to my bipolar disorder and that if he wanted to support me, he should quit too.
Well, he didn't...at least not right away.
However, I did tell him "Honey, it's really hard for me to stay sober when the pot is in front of me".
He started by smoking in the bathroom when I wasn't home, or only at friend's houses. Now, I have no idea if he smokes or not. He keeps it out of my sight.
I would love it if he quit too, however, this is his journey.
For awhile, I felt like we were growing apart. I was forced to keep the focus on myself and that resulted in a bit of detachment between.
Slowly but surely, he's getting sober on his own. I never discuss it with him. But, of course, the more sober he is, the closer and tighter our relationship feels.
However, there was a point when I wasn't sure if he was going to get sober. I had to come to terms with the fact that if he needed to get high all the time, we were going to naturally grow apart. The less sober he is, the further apart we were going to grow. And I had to accept that fact, let go of him on an emotional level, and realize I might have to move on.
You may have to come to the conclusion that if you want a sober father for your future kids, your current spouse may not be that person. I don't believe it's something you should discuss just yet, though. You've been sober for...what did you say? Three or four months? Keep the focus on yourself and your sobriety and I promise the rest will fall into place. I know that seems like ridiculous advice, but it works.
You may even want to check out alanon meetings. They have helped me in the past in similar situations.
I hope things work out! I think they will if you keep focusing on your sobriety.
Congrats on staying clean even though your spouse still uses!
I'm in the same exact situation.
Luckily, I had doctors on my side who told him flat out that I needed to quit due to my bipolar disorder and that if he wanted to support me, he should quit too.
Well, he didn't...at least not right away.
However, I did tell him "Honey, it's really hard for me to stay sober when the pot is in front of me".
He started by smoking in the bathroom when I wasn't home, or only at friend's houses. Now, I have no idea if he smokes or not. He keeps it out of my sight.
I would love it if he quit too, however, this is his journey.
For awhile, I felt like we were growing apart. I was forced to keep the focus on myself and that resulted in a bit of detachment between.
Slowly but surely, he's getting sober on his own. I never discuss it with him. But, of course, the more sober he is, the closer and tighter our relationship feels.
However, there was a point when I wasn't sure if he was going to get sober. I had to come to terms with the fact that if he needed to get high all the time, we were going to naturally grow apart. The less sober he is, the further apart we were going to grow. And I had to accept that fact, let go of him on an emotional level, and realize I might have to move on.
You may have to come to the conclusion that if you want a sober father for your future kids, your current spouse may not be that person. I don't believe it's something you should discuss just yet, though. You've been sober for...what did you say? Three or four months? Keep the focus on yourself and your sobriety and I promise the rest will fall into place. I know that seems like ridiculous advice, but it works.
You may even want to check out alanon meetings. They have helped me in the past in similar situations.
I hope things work out! I think they will if you keep focusing on your sobriety.
Thanks for all the great support. I'm going to keep the focus on my addictions and not his. I really don't want pot and tobacco around my kids, if that comes to be. He's told me that he won't subject them to that. I'm not sure how he's going to manage that though. Addiction is very powerful thing. He is not addicted to anything else(thank goodness).His main arguement is that he was like this when I fell in love with him, and I'm the one who has changed. It's so hard. He is a really amazingly smart and loving husband. I couldn't have imagined a better one. So, as no one is perfect I'm going to be thankful for his wonderful qualities and try to remember those insted of turning into a harpy. No sense in getting all uppity about being clean. It's only been three months and I'm acting like my addiction is beneath me or something. The truth is I will never be fully over being addicted. It's ingrained in my personality. I just need to stay on my path everyday. Thanks again guys! :)
pearly, i used to use that same excuse to my non using spouse"you knew i smoked when you married me". whew. makes me feel like crap now. hang in.
