Hi everyone.
I have been on here reading and reading all your postings. I have been addicted to pain pills for 3 years now. I have tried over and over to get off them myself and nothing seems to work. I take way way too many in a day and I have nothing wrong with me, well pain wise. I made the appointment to see a sub doctor for tomorrow. I am doing this without any insurance either. But I figure I spend how much a day searching high and low for these pills. I am a wife and a mother of two. I have a great job and no complaints elsewhere. I recently tried the sub and oh my gosh I couldnt believe how "normal" I felt. But since of course I bought them from the streets and was on them for 2 weeks, I cant find nomore and jumped right back on the vics. I am so disgusted with myself!
I am shaking right now on how nervous I am to do this. But I am soo ready to get my life back. My husband is the best support I have that knows what I do.
I really need each and every one of you to get me through this the right way.
I appreciate all the postings. It made me realize now is the time. I am too young to die. Please pray for me. Thank you.
Welcome Bemartha....
Glad you found this site, I know for me, it was a Godsend. literally and helped save my life...
Honey, we'll not only pray for you, we will help you stay sober, share our experience, strength and hope with you....Thanks for sharing your moment of clarity, I hope I never forget when I had my moment of clarity...All the denial, the hurt, the fear was stripped away and I saw exactly what I had become and how sick I had gotten.....Today I am grateful that I got to the point of fearing death because it was such a turning point, a chance to go down a new path....
Let us know how it goes at the doctor's tomorrow...let us know how you're doing and feeling...When I finally got clean, all my feelings, thoughts were all over the place, but one day at a time, with the help of others who've been there, the days get easier and so much better.....
Again, welcome!
xoxo
Stacey
Glad you found this site, I know for me, it was a Godsend. literally and helped save my life...
QUOTE |
It made me realize now is the time. I am too young to die. Please pray for me. Thank you. |
Honey, we'll not only pray for you, we will help you stay sober, share our experience, strength and hope with you....Thanks for sharing your moment of clarity, I hope I never forget when I had my moment of clarity...All the denial, the hurt, the fear was stripped away and I saw exactly what I had become and how sick I had gotten.....Today I am grateful that I got to the point of fearing death because it was such a turning point, a chance to go down a new path....
Let us know how it goes at the doctor's tomorrow...let us know how you're doing and feeling...When I finally got clean, all my feelings, thoughts were all over the place, but one day at a time, with the help of others who've been there, the days get easier and so much better.....
Again, welcome!
xoxo
Stacey
Thank you very much for your response.
I really am sick. How can something like this be out on the streets and its everywhere. I am not alone. I go on this site everyday and today is the day I wanted to share with all of you what I will be going through everyday. I need all of you to help me through this disease. My kids need me and they have no clue what their mother who is suppose to be guide them is doing. What a role model I am? It sickens me. I grew up in a very happy home with parents who never touched a drug nor drank in front of us kids. How I ended up like this, is terrible. I seriously dont know how I am still living with the amount I have taken over the years. The extremes I went through to get them. How I put my life in danger? How I would go in the worst parts of town? I really am excited for tomorrow because my heart is set. I am doing it for me but for my family also.
I really am sick. How can something like this be out on the streets and its everywhere. I am not alone. I go on this site everyday and today is the day I wanted to share with all of you what I will be going through everyday. I need all of you to help me through this disease. My kids need me and they have no clue what their mother who is suppose to be guide them is doing. What a role model I am? It sickens me. I grew up in a very happy home with parents who never touched a drug nor drank in front of us kids. How I ended up like this, is terrible. I seriously dont know how I am still living with the amount I have taken over the years. The extremes I went through to get them. How I put my life in danger? How I would go in the worst parts of town? I really am excited for tomorrow because my heart is set. I am doing it for me but for my family also.
I wish you all the best!! don't beat yourself up over the past. You are determined to get healthy, that is the important thing. It's wonderful you have a supportive husband.
Good luck, and keep posting.
rita
Good luck, and keep posting.
rita
bemartha, Hey and welcome to the board! So glad you finally posted and shared with us.
What you are going through is something we all know about and went through. Of course we will be here for you each step of the way.
Sub is a great tool and does work wonders, but you will need more than one tool to get the job done. What type of support are you planning on using in conjunction with the Sub? AA,NA, counseling, are all good routes.......you really need to start one with the Sub in order to be successful.
Good luck, and do keep us updated on your progress!
What you are going through is something we all know about and went through. Of course we will be here for you each step of the way.
Sub is a great tool and does work wonders, but you will need more than one tool to get the job done. What type of support are you planning on using in conjunction with the Sub? AA,NA, counseling, are all good routes.......you really need to start one with the Sub in order to be successful.
Good luck, and do keep us updated on your progress!
Hi and welcome to the board! I was in the exact place you are now 14 months ago. I never thought I'd get my life back, but I did. I have gone back to teaching after 10 years. That would have never been possible if I had not found this site and got the help I needed! There are some great people here that supported me when I had no support and I will never forget them.
You are making the right choice to take your life back! Congratulations. I have you in my prayers!
You are making the right choice to take your life back! Congratulations. I have you in my prayers!
Good Morning - Welcome to the board. You are in the right place. I too felt so alone with my problem. It's amazing to know that there are other ordinary working people with this "secret". I tried for many years to control it and would quit from time to time only to relapse and get right back on the merry-go-round. This time I am determined to stop for good. I have 59 days today. Thank God. My determination to quit this time involves me doing something about it other than just stopping taking pills. I am attending 12 step meetings once weekly. It's not much but it's every week. I have to get myself a sponser and start working the steps next. I am still dragging my feet on that one but I am going to do it. I feel the need to recover not just abstain. I feel that it is a problem with my spirit and the 12 step programs claim to help with that. So I am proceeding to give it a try. Nothing to lose, everything to gain. I attend church when i can and it helps a bit but I feel my personal relationship with God is much more important. My feeling is that if I heal my spirit then everything in my life should come together. I wish you the best of luck today. I know very little about sub. Honestly I am a little leary of using another substance of opiates to get off of opiates. But it seems to work for alot of people here. For me having two months clean, the first month was up and down and all around. The second month is a little more even keeled. Not exactly a thrill a minute but emotionally I guess I am becoming "normal". As an addict I'm so used to being up up up and going going going. I'm finding out that life is not that way. I want to be superwoman and I'm not. I have to learn that it's okay to have down days where I don't accomplish much. That's my struggle. Let us know how you make out today. If I can do it, you can too. There is no reason why you can't. One day at a time!
Morning everyone.
Well I am really nervous. I did use this morning but nowhere near the amount I would throw down my throat any other given morning. I will wait until I start to WD and go to the doctors. I guess thats how your suppose to do it. So I really can not count today as the first day without. I didnt want to take any this morning but we all know its impossible. But that was the very last of my stash and I'm ready to do this. I should start to feel really crappy in about 3 hours because I dont feel good now.
I wouldnt of even made it this far without reading all your posts. I'm not gonna lie about it, it did take me a couple weeks to say I'm done but todays the day!
My husband hates that I cant just stop like he can. He dont get sick like I do. I dont understand why he dont. But of course I sneek around to get em and he will take a few here and there to relax. Not me...I'm in it for the high. Obviously.
Because I dont have nothing physical wrong with me.
Also I have panic attacks. I am a worry wart. So the vics helped me get off the anti-depressants too. Gosh I dont want to go into attacks now either.
So I have several immidiate family members that are using. A good handful. the reason I say that is because I want to cut all ties with the people I was around who use and or my dealer "s". But how to do that, i dont know. I guess thats where meetings may come in place.
When I was taking the sub last week I felt so good. No mood swings because I didnt have to worry about looking or WDing. And I know getting off one to another is not the best way but I cant do it by myself or wean myself. Tried, never works.
Ok I want to thank you all for your support and I'll be on here until I leave to go.
I didnt know how many people pull together for someone they dont know.
That is the best feeling EVER!!! Makes me tear up.
Thank you thank you thank you!!
Well I am really nervous. I did use this morning but nowhere near the amount I would throw down my throat any other given morning. I will wait until I start to WD and go to the doctors. I guess thats how your suppose to do it. So I really can not count today as the first day without. I didnt want to take any this morning but we all know its impossible. But that was the very last of my stash and I'm ready to do this. I should start to feel really crappy in about 3 hours because I dont feel good now.
I wouldnt of even made it this far without reading all your posts. I'm not gonna lie about it, it did take me a couple weeks to say I'm done but todays the day!
My husband hates that I cant just stop like he can. He dont get sick like I do. I dont understand why he dont. But of course I sneek around to get em and he will take a few here and there to relax. Not me...I'm in it for the high. Obviously.
Because I dont have nothing physical wrong with me.
Also I have panic attacks. I am a worry wart. So the vics helped me get off the anti-depressants too. Gosh I dont want to go into attacks now either.
So I have several immidiate family members that are using. A good handful. the reason I say that is because I want to cut all ties with the people I was around who use and or my dealer "s". But how to do that, i dont know. I guess thats where meetings may come in place.
When I was taking the sub last week I felt so good. No mood swings because I didnt have to worry about looking or WDing. And I know getting off one to another is not the best way but I cant do it by myself or wean myself. Tried, never works.
Ok I want to thank you all for your support and I'll be on here until I leave to go.
I didnt know how many people pull together for someone they dont know.
That is the best feeling EVER!!! Makes me tear up.
Thank you thank you thank you!!
Did anyone at the sub doctors tell you how long you needed to be off all opiates before you went to see them.Like 12 hours, 18, 24, 36....there are different basic protocols followed based on the opiate used itself ( short of long acting ) the doctor and their protocol and on what is considered safest to switch without problems.
Are you starting sub today, or is this just a consult
Also which really messes my head up, is your husband planning to stop taking them here and there to relaxHave you at all spoken to him about the importance of there being no opiates in the house, and if there is a medically necessary reason steps that can be taken to help you protect your sobriety
Love,
Tina
Are you starting sub today, or is this just a consult
Also which really messes my head up, is your husband planning to stop taking them here and there to relaxHave you at all spoken to him about the importance of there being no opiates in the house, and if there is a medically necessary reason steps that can be taken to help you protect your sobriety
Love,
Tina
Yes the doctors office said for me to come in when I am having mild to moderate WD's. I may not start on sub today, it may just be a consult.
I am starting to get the runny nose and I feel a lil congested. Coughing.
Not quite there yet. Getting antsy.
Yes my husband is not going to do them anymore either. He only did them because I had them. He is very supportive. Its going to cost a couple hundred dollars to go today and just before christmas, he is there for me 100%.
I am very thankful to have him in my life. I love him with all my heart and soul.
We are soulmates if anyone believes that or not :)
I am starting to get the runny nose and I feel a lil congested. Coughing.
Not quite there yet. Getting antsy.
Yes my husband is not going to do them anymore either. He only did them because I had them. He is very supportive. Its going to cost a couple hundred dollars to go today and just before christmas, he is there for me 100%.
I am very thankful to have him in my life. I love him with all my heart and soul.
We are soulmates if anyone believes that or not :)
Also, I have a very close friend that is an alcoholic..well recovering. She is a sponsor too. She has no idea that I use. Do you think its wise to ask her to be my sponsor or no? Should I get someone I dont know at all??? I am trying to look ahead. And I will check out facilities for meetings online too.
Good Morning...WELCOME.Im mj & if I can help just let me know.
As for your question,myself I think its better if your sponcer is not a friend.See we can always find ways to manipulate our friends.Whether we mean too or not.
You know what surprises me sometimes...There are so many,many more than I ever thought..."normal" wifes & moms are actually usen & abusen.Myself included (though Im on Sub)
When I was younger,my thoughts on addicts was so different.Ive learned that adiction will effect all types of people.
By the way,I think its so great your husband is your "soulmate"& will support you through this.Your very lucky.The more support you havethe better your chances to beat this (so to speak)
I hope you keep checking in as I want to follow your story.
Take Care sweety
mj
As for your question,myself I think its better if your sponcer is not a friend.See we can always find ways to manipulate our friends.Whether we mean too or not.
You know what surprises me sometimes...There are so many,many more than I ever thought..."normal" wifes & moms are actually usen & abusen.Myself included (though Im on Sub)
When I was younger,my thoughts on addicts was so different.Ive learned that adiction will effect all types of people.
By the way,I think its so great your husband is your "soulmate"& will support you through this.Your very lucky.The more support you havethe better your chances to beat this (so to speak)
I hope you keep checking in as I want to follow your story.
Take Care sweety
mj
Hi Mj
Yea I was thinking the same thing but wasnt sure. I have lied and lied to get the vics and I would probably do it to her. She is an awesome person and I do listen to what she talks about even with her not knowing what I do. She enjoys AA and we kinda talk about AA here and there. I actually went with her to a fundraiser they had for AA and what great people. And her I was not admitting to what I do but knew all of them were addicts. I felt bad. And still feel bad for all I have done to myself and everyone else.
I'm feeling more ill each minute. I keep looking at the clock, checking the time.
Thank you very much for your input. I do appreciate it!
Yea I was thinking the same thing but wasnt sure. I have lied and lied to get the vics and I would probably do it to her. She is an awesome person and I do listen to what she talks about even with her not knowing what I do. She enjoys AA and we kinda talk about AA here and there. I actually went with her to a fundraiser they had for AA and what great people. And her I was not admitting to what I do but knew all of them were addicts. I felt bad. And still feel bad for all I have done to myself and everyone else.
I'm feeling more ill each minute. I keep looking at the clock, checking the time.
Thank you very much for your input. I do appreciate it!
More toward moderate wds is best, just make sure you tell them what you took and when, if they are thinking of trying to start you today
The switch always freaks me out when one doesnt wait at least 18 hours
Glad that your husband is gonna stop, it would make it much harder for you with it in the house
Soul mates, sure I would believe that, I found mine. It is good that he is supportive, and make sure he knows that is a place out there for him as well, watching isnt all that easy either. We dont like to see those we love suffering, being ran by a drug that takes so much from the precious souls they are
Good luck today
Love
Tina
The switch always freaks me out when one doesnt wait at least 18 hours
Glad that your husband is gonna stop, it would make it much harder for you with it in the house
Soul mates, sure I would believe that, I found mine. It is good that he is supportive, and make sure he knows that is a place out there for him as well, watching isnt all that easy either. We dont like to see those we love suffering, being ran by a drug that takes so much from the precious souls they are
Good luck today
Love
Tina
Ok I will Mistyeyes.
You are making me nervous. I dont like the switch either. Just mixing I dont do.
Thank you again for your input. I do appreciate it.
I feel all tingly and getting aches and pains. Not too mention cant stay out of the bathroom either. My pupils are huge. My body is wanting its fix. But sorry not gonna happen. I'm still waiting....
You are making me nervous. I dont like the switch either. Just mixing I dont do.
Thank you again for your input. I do appreciate it.
I feel all tingly and getting aches and pains. Not too mention cant stay out of the bathroom either. My pupils are huge. My body is wanting its fix. But sorry not gonna happen. I'm still waiting....
You are going to be okay, Bemartha....pray and ask for courage and strength to get through the next few hours, few minutes if need be....Your HP is with you...
And as far as your friend, why don't you just talk to her, share what you've been through and she will help you, trust her. I know for me, I began to heal when I let my guard down just a tiny bit and shared with a friend and trusted her wisdom, her judgement and her experiences......
I'll say some prayers for you....
xoxo
Stacey
And as far as your friend, why don't you just talk to her, share what you've been through and she will help you, trust her. I know for me, I began to heal when I let my guard down just a tiny bit and shared with a friend and trusted her wisdom, her judgement and her experiences......
I'll say some prayers for you....
xoxo
Stacey
Hey I signed on actually to see how your doing.
I know your feeling crappy but try really try to be proud of yourself.Sometimes the first step is the hardest one.YOUVE TAKEN IT & good for you.Of course theres a price to pay as there is with anything in life & WORTH HAVING.Think of how your feeling as the price your paying to begin a happy sober life.Its not all roses & sunshine.(Matter of fact it can at times truley STINK) But I can say honestly....its a heck of alot better than being a slave to a bunch of pills.
I know how your feeling & I wanted to suggest.If you have a bathtub,soak in a hot hot bath it will help with the aches.Even a hot shower will help.Also though I know everyone is different,I was in W/D for 13 hrs before I started Sub.I was ok & I will always believe Sub helped me get my life back(well that & alot of hard work)
Ok I hope it gets alittle better for you & please if it gets too much & you get angry,mad,sad,try to come here & talk it out.
Take Care
mj
I know your feeling crappy but try really try to be proud of yourself.Sometimes the first step is the hardest one.YOUVE TAKEN IT & good for you.Of course theres a price to pay as there is with anything in life & WORTH HAVING.Think of how your feeling as the price your paying to begin a happy sober life.Its not all roses & sunshine.(Matter of fact it can at times truley STINK) But I can say honestly....its a heck of alot better than being a slave to a bunch of pills.
I know how your feeling & I wanted to suggest.If you have a bathtub,soak in a hot hot bath it will help with the aches.Even a hot shower will help.Also though I know everyone is different,I was in W/D for 13 hrs before I started Sub.I was ok & I will always believe Sub helped me get my life back(well that & alot of hard work)
Ok I hope it gets alittle better for you & please if it gets too much & you get angry,mad,sad,try to come here & talk it out.
Take Care
mj
Thank you everyone. And please keep praying and talking to me. It has helped me sooooo much you dont even know.
Ok, so I went to the doctors and he gave me 4 pills of 8mg. Told me to take a half now and a half tonight. I dont have the WD's at all right now. Kind of warm. Actually my hands are a lil sweaty. Maybe nerves? I dont know.
Feel like I'm getting some "normalcy" back.
But you know whats odd? I look at the clock all the time to see how long its been and how long will this last? Do you think its out of habit? Usually after work I would be on the phone searching and now that I am leaving work, I just have to pick my kids up and go home. Nomore!
I think it really hit me when I was sitting in that office waiting for my turn, wow I am not the only one. But then I thought are these people serious about quitting or are they selling these. Crazy thoughts ran through my head while I waited.
Oh and 1 more thing. My dealer or hookups are calling me still. What should I do? Should I just tell them I dont do them anymore or dont answer at all? I understand that I can delete all the numbers but they all have mine. I called them every single day, no joke.
Sorry 1 more thing. ha. My friend that I was talking about further up, she happened to call me when I was in the doctors office. How weird? I couldnt answer though. So you really think I should talk to her about it?
I am soooooo embarrassed about my addiction. My best and closest friends have no idea what I do. Or should I say DID :) That really is hard for me. Would that be denial? But I'm not in denial.
Well I have to go now. I will get back on here asap.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO IS HERE TO HELP ME!
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME!!!
Ok, so I went to the doctors and he gave me 4 pills of 8mg. Told me to take a half now and a half tonight. I dont have the WD's at all right now. Kind of warm. Actually my hands are a lil sweaty. Maybe nerves? I dont know.
Feel like I'm getting some "normalcy" back.
But you know whats odd? I look at the clock all the time to see how long its been and how long will this last? Do you think its out of habit? Usually after work I would be on the phone searching and now that I am leaving work, I just have to pick my kids up and go home. Nomore!
I think it really hit me when I was sitting in that office waiting for my turn, wow I am not the only one. But then I thought are these people serious about quitting or are they selling these. Crazy thoughts ran through my head while I waited.
Oh and 1 more thing. My dealer or hookups are calling me still. What should I do? Should I just tell them I dont do them anymore or dont answer at all? I understand that I can delete all the numbers but they all have mine. I called them every single day, no joke.
Sorry 1 more thing. ha. My friend that I was talking about further up, she happened to call me when I was in the doctors office. How weird? I couldnt answer though. So you really think I should talk to her about it?
I am soooooo embarrassed about my addiction. My best and closest friends have no idea what I do. Or should I say DID :) That really is hard for me. Would that be denial? But I'm not in denial.
Well I have to go now. I will get back on here asap.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO IS HERE TO HELP ME!
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME!!!
I had to chuckle at all your thoughts, I had most of them too....and I constantly looked at the clock when I first got clean but it was a habit. I moved my clock and that helped.
I told my dealer that I had been busted (and I was by my husband) and I was getting clean, to please not call anymore. If it had continued, I would have let my husband known and he was more than willing to call the police.
Sorry 1 more thing. ha. My friend that I was talking about further up, she happened to call me when I was in the doctors office. How weird? I couldnt answer though. So you really think I should talk to her about it?
You've been praying, we've been praying now God has given you an answer, call her back...don't let fear hold you back from getting help and support. If she's in recovery, she will more than understand, she will probably hold out her hand and help you....
You're doing awesome....keep putting that next foot forward and taking those steps to freedom.....
God bless,
Stacey
I told my dealer that I had been busted (and I was by my husband) and I was getting clean, to please not call anymore. If it had continued, I would have let my husband known and he was more than willing to call the police.
Sorry 1 more thing. ha. My friend that I was talking about further up, she happened to call me when I was in the doctors office. How weird? I couldnt answer though. So you really think I should talk to her about it?
You've been praying, we've been praying now God has given you an answer, call her back...don't let fear hold you back from getting help and support. If she's in recovery, she will more than understand, she will probably hold out her hand and help you....
You're doing awesome....keep putting that next foot forward and taking those steps to freedom.....
God bless,
Stacey
I am sorry didnt mean to make you nervous but I have seen what happens when one takes the sub to soonit was not pretty by any means.
I am glad everything worked out well for you today...
And please what stacey wrote...don't allow the fear, or embarrassment hold you back. Addiction feeds and thrives on the fear, the shame, the silence, breaking that helps to break the hold...
Take good care of yourself.
Love,
Tina
I am glad everything worked out well for you today...
And please what stacey wrote...don't allow the fear, or embarrassment hold you back. Addiction feeds and thrives on the fear, the shame, the silence, breaking that helps to break the hold...
Take good care of yourself.
Love,
Tina