My son is now 28 and has been using drugs/drinking for 14 years now. He has been sectioned 3 times and stole from me and my other children everything we've ever had of any value. Partners have left me as it gets too much and I am now on my own and wouldn't ever dream of meeting anyone else ever again as my life is so chaotic. Ive left my job twice and been evicted from 8 houses through his behaviour, causing my other children to have to move schools. Ive even been in a women's refuge as I had to get away from him and whilst I was in there and they rehoused me, he wasn't meant to know where I lived but his CPN brought him to my house and said he had to stay with me or he will be on the streets. Obviously nothing changed and he carried on.
He was recently admitted to a psychiatric hospital and told them he really wanted to change, and for a few weeks seemed as if he was serious, they got him a flat of his own and let him out and he ended up back in again, same happened again, he promised he wanted to change, they helped him, let him out and same again. This time he ended up back in and after a week walked out and has been missing for 3 days. He's attempted suicide twice before, and I am absolutely ill with worry, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I can't eat, I hardly sleep, none of my family understand so don't really support me and I feel so alone and just don't want to carry on like this anymore living in utter chaos and misery. I have a 6 year old at home, my 14 year old daughter went to live with her dad as it all got too much and my other daughter moved out on bad terms last week as we fought so much as I am always so stressed, preoccupied with my son and I now feel like my whole life has fallen apart and I am helpless and alone. I really don't know where to turn anymore. I lie awake every night and wait for police to knock on my door to tell me something has happened to my son and the worry and stress just takes over my entire life.
I tried to get on with my life and after I left my last job after a year I decided to go to college then uni and now im doing my PhD but it's all falling apart again as I can't concentrate.
I really need help and don't know what to do.
Sorry if this seems like im waffling I am just trying to explain as best I can without it being too long winded.
X
Dear Claire, Your son is 28 years old,he is an adult.He is making decisions although not good ones or rational ones . You are not able to make decisions for a adult and with that being said you are not responsible for those decisions.He has made choices as you now must make choices......Your sons addiction is destroying you and your other children....You are a wreck mentally and emotionally. ...You have other children a 6 year old and a 14 year old that need a mother...You must pull yourself together for the sake of their well being.....I know he is your son but as we gave them life we cannot live their life. ...life is a gift we gave to them...it's up to them what they choose to do with it...You have to step back and let your sons actions play out....there is little you can do it is up to him .....I did everything possible for my son...10 years of misery and he was honest with me ...He said it didn't matter what I did he wasn't ready to stop.....He was recently released from jail has been on medication and he is doing well....he's a work in progress but with each day we work on our realtionship and try to establish a new one....what I mean by that is the trust I once had with him was destroyed many lies alot of deceit alot of damage....but he is working to repair the fall out of his addiciton..
..You have to focus on yourself and your other children they need you now.....You must focus on them...i.hate to say it but it's like the mother bird..sometimes you must allow the sick one to leave the nest in order for the remainder of the nest to survive...it isnt easy watching your son in the grip of addiciton or bad choices ,but until he changes his path....You must focus on yours.You might benefit from counseling as well as your children...although they may not speak it I'm sure this has effected them also.
..You have to focus on yourself and your other children they need you now.....You must focus on them...i.hate to say it but it's like the mother bird..sometimes you must allow the sick one to leave the nest in order for the remainder of the nest to survive...it isnt easy watching your son in the grip of addiciton or bad choices ,but until he changes his path....You must focus on yours.You might benefit from counseling as well as your children...although they may not speak it I'm sure this has effected them also.
Thank you for your reply and I know that you are right, this is killing me and has torn my whole family apart. I know I now need to walk away is just so hard and I have never felt so miserable. It's like no matter what I do there is a dark cloud over my head at all times. I think counselling is a good idea and I am going to attend one of the support groups tonight to see if that helps.
Dear Claire Trust me I know it's hard, I use to jump when the phone would ring I'd look through the curtains when I'd hear a knock on the door...but what I forced myself to do is focus on taking care of my youngest son and just trying to go on...was it easy absolutely not ...it was a struggle ...but what I forced myself to realize was we all have choices ...his at the time was herion and my choice had to be not to allow it to destroy my life anymore then it had ....I have done my best to try and do what I can and do it the best I can...and I also owed that to my youngest son...I pray everyday for my son.. I be the best I can be....thankfully I think he is doing ok now...each day presents a new chance...You have to allow it to play itself out..only when he tires of it and decides enough is enough will.he change...in the meantime don't allow his selfishness to rob you and his siblings of life.
Thank You ClairP27 for sharing, and THANK YOU Christophers Mom for all your words of wisdom and advice. I just came here yesterday to get some advice on how how to deal with my own situation with my adult son, and in all the boards I seem to find you and your advice. THANK YOU.........I especially like your words......" it's like the mother bird..sometimes you must allow the sick one to leave the nest in order for the remainder of the nest to survive...it isnt easy watching your son in the grip of addiciton or bad choices ,but until he changes his path....You must focus on yours."
Dear Heart sick Mom. I have lived your life for 10 years and believe me I understand. ..so true you must go on with your life...sadly at times we must stand back and allow things to play themselves out...is it easy no...one of the hardest things to do..but you cannot lose yourself and put your life on hold,for someone who knows the difference between right and wrong,healthy not healthy...You cannot allow yourself or your other children to suffer....You did not create this problem nor can you fix it. ...You must focus on yourself and your kids who are trying to do the right thing...He will not change until he decides to...but it is up to you to decide you have to keep the foundation of the nest intact and focus on what remains...drugs really are so destructive.....we certainly are not winning the war on drugs...
