I seriously don't know what to do or who to turn to. I need some advice bad. If anyone read my posts below, my boyfriend overdosed and almost died just last friday night. I let him spend the weekend with me and I was there for him, he kept promising that after that experience, he wouldn't touch crack again. Well today he had to get his jeep back from his dealer (collateral) and so he went with him. I knew he went and got crack. He went back to his moms and did crack there. I totally freaked out on him. He almost died, his doctor told him he can't even lift weights for a month because his heart is weak and damaged, and now he's doing crack again! I freaked out on him and I told him its over. I can't be there for him anymore. Now I feel like his chances of overdosing and dying are good and somehow I feel like it will be my fault because I'm breaking up with him and leaving it in Gods hands.
But I can't do this anymore, I tried to be there for him, I tried to help him the past couple of days and then he has the nerve to blame me for doing crack again today because we had a little fight over his meeting with his dealer?
I can't take it anymore. Am I wrong to leave him?
Hi Julie,
Do not blame yourself for anything. Leaving it in God's hands is the best thing you could have done. Sometimes people have to hit rock-bottom to realize that they need to change. Rock-bottom for some is a sense of emptiness, an overwhelming feeling of remorse, the loss of loved ones,... For others, rock-bottom is death.
This might seem somewhat insensitive or cold, but it's the way it is for addicts. He has learned to lie, to manipulate, to evade everything including your love and his sense of self-preservation. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
If he wants to go on, he will, regardless of what you say or do. If he asks for your help, have compassion. Since he hasn't, pray for him... It's all you can do. You have a life as well - remember that. Don't let him ruin two lives with one habit.
My prayers for you both...
Good luck & God Bless,
JC
Do not blame yourself for anything. Leaving it in God's hands is the best thing you could have done. Sometimes people have to hit rock-bottom to realize that they need to change. Rock-bottom for some is a sense of emptiness, an overwhelming feeling of remorse, the loss of loved ones,... For others, rock-bottom is death.
This might seem somewhat insensitive or cold, but it's the way it is for addicts. He has learned to lie, to manipulate, to evade everything including your love and his sense of self-preservation. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
If he wants to go on, he will, regardless of what you say or do. If he asks for your help, have compassion. Since he hasn't, pray for him... It's all you can do. You have a life as well - remember that. Don't let him ruin two lives with one habit.
My prayers for you both...
Good luck & God Bless,
JC
Thanks so much for your advice and prayers. I feel better to know I have done the right thing and you're right, he can't ruin two lives from his addiction. He keeps phoning and leaving messages, but I've been ignoring him. I feel bad like maybe that will drive him to do more crack but you're right, I need to focus on my own life. I only have one month left of school, I'm passing but having a hard time focusing because of him. This is my only chance and if I fail, I get no other chance.
I need to let go as hard as it is because I've seen that being there for him doesn't help.
I need to let go as hard as it is because I've seen that being there for him doesn't help.
You're still in school !?! It's not an understatement to say that you have your whole life ahead of you... How you deal with this will not only demonstrate strength of character but it might also prove to be a crossroad in your life. Don't take this lightly...
Life can be full of bliss & beauty and it can also be a living nightmare... What it turns out to be for you will amount to the sum of ALL decisions you make. That's the beauty and importance of free will!
You'll do just fine I'm sure... :-)
JC
Life can be full of bliss & beauty and it can also be a living nightmare... What it turns out to be for you will amount to the sum of ALL decisions you make. That's the beauty and importance of free will!
You'll do just fine I'm sure... :-)
JC
Thanks for the words of encouragement..I'm school but I'm 33, lol, sorry..I'm upgrading, taking accounting. And its hard when I've got to worry about him and this nightmare. I thought about it and I realized I have so many problems. But when I completely took him out of the equation, MOST if not all, of my problems disappeared.
I did pray that he doesn't die, that he has a chance to go to rehab. He's only 25 and has been doing crack since 16.
But its up to him and I can no longer help.
He's turned my life into a nightmare and I need to focus on me right now, because for the past year and nine months, its been mostly about him and trying so desperately to help him stay off crack, begging, pleading..nothing works. I sure hope everyone else reading this will also realize that begging, pleading and hoping won't change one bit, you're just wasting your time and energy. They need to want to change on their own.
Thanks Lost Soul
I did pray that he doesn't die, that he has a chance to go to rehab. He's only 25 and has been doing crack since 16.
But its up to him and I can no longer help.
He's turned my life into a nightmare and I need to focus on me right now, because for the past year and nine months, its been mostly about him and trying so desperately to help him stay off crack, begging, pleading..nothing works. I sure hope everyone else reading this will also realize that begging, pleading and hoping won't change one bit, you're just wasting your time and energy. They need to want to change on their own.
Thanks Lost Soul
LostSoul, I just read your posts..sorry to hear about what you are going through. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I tried Meth about 5 times in teh past year. I loved the high it gave me but coming down from it was horrible! I called a friend who is a meth addict and she told me to "cure" the coming down was to do more meth. I was like forget it! And never touched it again.
I really hope for the best for you and I think its wonderful for you to take the time out to help others on the board especially when you are going through your own ordeals.
Just out of curiousity, do you know if its normal for someone to overdose to just go back to doing drugs soon after knowing the risks especially since he came so close to dying two days ago? Is he that far gone?
Thanks
I really hope for the best for you and I think its wonderful for you to take the time out to help others on the board especially when you are going through your own ordeals.
Just out of curiousity, do you know if its normal for someone to overdose to just go back to doing drugs soon after knowing the risks especially since he came so close to dying two days ago? Is he that far gone?
Thanks
Julie
As a recovering crack addict, I want you to understand that there is nothing you can do but to encourage him to get help. Crack addition makes you love your drug more than he loves you. It consumes your life and nothing else matters. Give him the information on narcotics anoymous. It helped me. During my active addiction period, the only way that I stopped was to hit the bottom, and the more that I was enabled by family and friends, the longer it took. The only way that I was able to stop was to go to rehab. Crack does some strange things to the mind and I lost everything that I had. It was not the fight that you had with him that made him want you go use, but his addiction. I used to find any excuse to go get high, and I now no that it was about me. Nothing anybody could do would stop me. I hope everything goes as you need it to go.
As a recovering crack addict, I want you to understand that there is nothing you can do but to encourage him to get help. Crack addition makes you love your drug more than he loves you. It consumes your life and nothing else matters. Give him the information on narcotics anoymous. It helped me. During my active addiction period, the only way that I stopped was to hit the bottom, and the more that I was enabled by family and friends, the longer it took. The only way that I was able to stop was to go to rehab. Crack does some strange things to the mind and I lost everything that I had. It was not the fight that you had with him that made him want you go use, but his addiction. I used to find any excuse to go get high, and I now no that it was about me. Nothing anybody could do would stop me. I hope everything goes as you need it to go.
Julie,
You are doing the right thing by letting him go. You do not deserve to be miserable and yes even tho you are 33 you still have your whole life ahead of you.
He has a problem, not you, and by staying with him you will only destroy your life. If he wants help he will ask for it, but he obviously hasnt gotten to that point yet, even his ODing didnt seem to phase him.
Do what you have to, to get your life back on track.
Good luck with school.
You are doing the right thing by letting him go. You do not deserve to be miserable and yes even tho you are 33 you still have your whole life ahead of you.
He has a problem, not you, and by staying with him you will only destroy your life. If he wants help he will ask for it, but he obviously hasnt gotten to that point yet, even his ODing didnt seem to phase him.
Do what you have to, to get your life back on track.
Good luck with school.
Thanks David and Suzanne,
I am glad to know that I am not making a mistake by letting him go. He doesn't understand but maybe one day he will.
Obviously he hasn't hit rock bottom yet, but maybe losing me will.
I am glad to know that I am not making a mistake by letting him go. He doesn't understand but maybe one day he will.
Obviously he hasn't hit rock bottom yet, but maybe losing me will.
~ The Serinity Prayer~
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Julie,
You have done everything you can, you gave him unconditional love, help and support. There is nothing more you can do. You can't make him change, it has to come from him. Change your thinking and your heart will follow. I promise you with time it will get easier. I have been where you are right now, on the emotional roller coaster from hell. The only thing you can do is save yourself. If you leave or if you stay will not make him use or not use. He hasn't hit his bottom yet, so it will only get worse. I hope for your sake you are not there to see how bad it can get. Addiction is progressive. Take care of YOU!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Julie,
You have done everything you can, you gave him unconditional love, help and support. There is nothing more you can do. You can't make him change, it has to come from him. Change your thinking and your heart will follow. I promise you with time it will get easier. I have been where you are right now, on the emotional roller coaster from hell. The only thing you can do is save yourself. If you leave or if you stay will not make him use or not use. He hasn't hit his bottom yet, so it will only get worse. I hope for your sake you are not there to see how bad it can get. Addiction is progressive. Take care of YOU!
Hi Julie!
I was going through the same thing in a way because I had cravings pretty much every month, sometimes twice a month. Those are gone and I no longer tell myself "Just don't do it too often..." or "It's been a long time since..." or "I'll just do this much tonight and keep the rest for another time..." (Oh! The BS addicts tell themselves and others!)
I simply don't feel like it anymore, that's all. I'm not trying to hold back anymore nor do I don't hate the stuff. I just don't do coke anymore, that's all. Instant surrender or Satori... Divine intervention... Whatever you want to call it! That's why I want to help others walking the same path. What ever side they walk on...
I've come clean with my family and friends and they're very relieved. They didn't understand how I managed to get through school and a directorship while being an addict but I explained it to them. When you can finally stop lying, stop hiding and feel like you can be yourself, it's such a relief! Such an awakening!
Now, with regard to your situation... I think that you know beyond the shadow of a doubt what you need to do. I think the truth is running through begging to be heard. You know what to do, but it' hard... Right?
It's normal to feel the way you do but it isn't normal or caring to put up with a person like your boyfriend. You deserve to be treated with compassion, dignity and love. Demand it! Insist on it in all your relations! Life is short but if you make the wrong decisions, it can be l - - o - - n - - g...
If you've gone back to school, it's a sign that you want more out of life, not less. It's all yours for the taking and whatever you fix your attention on will expand. If you spend a lot of time thinking about how dissapointed you are that this or that didn't work out, your dissapointment will grow. If you concentrate on the steps you are taking to better your life, I'll let you guess what will happen... One day at a time!
Take care of yourself, I'm thinking about you. Trying to send you an angel... :-)
Good luck & God Bless!!
JC
I was going through the same thing in a way because I had cravings pretty much every month, sometimes twice a month. Those are gone and I no longer tell myself "Just don't do it too often..." or "It's been a long time since..." or "I'll just do this much tonight and keep the rest for another time..." (Oh! The BS addicts tell themselves and others!)
I simply don't feel like it anymore, that's all. I'm not trying to hold back anymore nor do I don't hate the stuff. I just don't do coke anymore, that's all. Instant surrender or Satori... Divine intervention... Whatever you want to call it! That's why I want to help others walking the same path. What ever side they walk on...
I've come clean with my family and friends and they're very relieved. They didn't understand how I managed to get through school and a directorship while being an addict but I explained it to them. When you can finally stop lying, stop hiding and feel like you can be yourself, it's such a relief! Such an awakening!
Now, with regard to your situation... I think that you know beyond the shadow of a doubt what you need to do. I think the truth is running through begging to be heard. You know what to do, but it' hard... Right?
It's normal to feel the way you do but it isn't normal or caring to put up with a person like your boyfriend. You deserve to be treated with compassion, dignity and love. Demand it! Insist on it in all your relations! Life is short but if you make the wrong decisions, it can be l - - o - - n - - g...
If you've gone back to school, it's a sign that you want more out of life, not less. It's all yours for the taking and whatever you fix your attention on will expand. If you spend a lot of time thinking about how dissapointed you are that this or that didn't work out, your dissapointment will grow. If you concentrate on the steps you are taking to better your life, I'll let you guess what will happen... One day at a time!
Take care of yourself, I'm thinking about you. Trying to send you an angel... :-)
Good luck & God Bless!!
JC
Thanks LostSoul,
Congratulations for staying clean, thats great to hear. I'm glad to hear you no longer have cravings. Its good to know there is hope for addicts out there, that they can become clean and stay that way.
And its great that you are willing to help others as well.
I hate how his addiction has become my problem, but slowly I'm letting go of that. If I don't it will drive me crazy. I talked to him today and he actually didn't do crack today which was a relief but tomorrow is another day.
It's never been this bad with him before, it got worse in the past month. He's never lost a job over it before, or overdosed.
He still keeps talking about going to the rehab program. I told him its the ONLY chance we have. I know he'll be gone for a year but it will be good for him. He needs to be removed from his surroundings for that year and get totally clean. I told him I won't take him back if he leaves earlier. I told him we have no chance if he decides not to go. Theres no way I will go back to that ever again
But I am scared..what if I fall in love with someone again, and they start doing drugs? Its scary, seems like a lot of people are addicts these days. I know if I meet someone who has an addiction, I know what signs to look for and then RUN! No looking back! But what if I meet someone who is great, and clean but then he becomes an addict? Now I am scared.
Congratulations for staying clean, thats great to hear. I'm glad to hear you no longer have cravings. Its good to know there is hope for addicts out there, that they can become clean and stay that way.
And its great that you are willing to help others as well.
I hate how his addiction has become my problem, but slowly I'm letting go of that. If I don't it will drive me crazy. I talked to him today and he actually didn't do crack today which was a relief but tomorrow is another day.
It's never been this bad with him before, it got worse in the past month. He's never lost a job over it before, or overdosed.
He still keeps talking about going to the rehab program. I told him its the ONLY chance we have. I know he'll be gone for a year but it will be good for him. He needs to be removed from his surroundings for that year and get totally clean. I told him I won't take him back if he leaves earlier. I told him we have no chance if he decides not to go. Theres no way I will go back to that ever again
But I am scared..what if I fall in love with someone again, and they start doing drugs? Its scary, seems like a lot of people are addicts these days. I know if I meet someone who has an addiction, I know what signs to look for and then RUN! No looking back! But what if I meet someone who is great, and clean but then he becomes an addict? Now I am scared.
Hi Julie!
Don't even think about meeting someone else right now... I don't think you reaaly need that. Try to heal, not rebound... :)
It's normal to feel the way you do right now. Don't worry about your next boyfriend. Don't worry, period. These things have a way of working themselves out. So clich, I know... sorry.
What I'm trying to say is that if you've got a good head on your shoulders (which you evidently do) and a good heart (same thing again) you will be able to make the right decision at the right moment. I think you know that NOW is not the right time and that HE wasn't the right guy. If you have doubts about that, it's because it's difficult to see a situation objectively when you're so involved. That's true most especially with issues of the heart...
Take some time to heal... To feel good again... Get to know yourself better...
I'm 100% confident that you have everything you need to be happy and 99% confident that you'll figure out how!
I hope you have a great day!
JC
Don't even think about meeting someone else right now... I don't think you reaaly need that. Try to heal, not rebound... :)
It's normal to feel the way you do right now. Don't worry about your next boyfriend. Don't worry, period. These things have a way of working themselves out. So clich, I know... sorry.
What I'm trying to say is that if you've got a good head on your shoulders (which you evidently do) and a good heart (same thing again) you will be able to make the right decision at the right moment. I think you know that NOW is not the right time and that HE wasn't the right guy. If you have doubts about that, it's because it's difficult to see a situation objectively when you're so involved. That's true most especially with issues of the heart...
Take some time to heal... To feel good again... Get to know yourself better...
I'm 100% confident that you have everything you need to be happy and 99% confident that you'll figure out how!
I hope you have a great day!
JC
Thanks so much LostSoul. You are right, I should not be freaking about dating again or being worried that what if the next guy turns out to be an addict? At least this experience has taught me that you can't really help someone with an addiction of any kind unless they want to get help themselves. I used to think that addicts just did drugs because they just wanted to, not because they were really addicted to it. I used to think that drug addicts were nuts to lose their families, wives, children, etc for drugs. Now I know they really can't help it unless they WANT to change and get that help.
I didn't understand what my best friend went through. Her boyfriend was a cokehead. He quit on his own for 5 years but in the back of her mind, she was always worried he'd relapse. And he did, they lost their house, and everything because of it. She was devastated but she knew the relationship would be impossible because he refused to seek help and she left him for good.
I didn't understand how he could do it, now I understand.
This experience has been painful but taught me a lot at the same time. I just hope I never have to go through it again with a friend, family member or partner.
I didn't understand what my best friend went through. Her boyfriend was a cokehead. He quit on his own for 5 years but in the back of her mind, she was always worried he'd relapse. And he did, they lost their house, and everything because of it. She was devastated but she knew the relationship would be impossible because he refused to seek help and she left him for good.
I didn't understand how he could do it, now I understand.
This experience has been painful but taught me a lot at the same time. I just hope I never have to go through it again with a friend, family member or partner.
Hi Julie,
I read some of your other posts and I see that you've really got it together. I can understand why you have apprehensive thoughts about dating and thoughts about dating, period. I think it's normal to want to be happy, feel secure in a relationship and want to share that with someone else. I guess that's how our species has survived for all these years...
You hit the nail on the head when you said that addicts don't change unless they WANT to. That "want" cannot be imposed by someone else who wants them to be clean more than they do themselves. It's somewhat of a catch22 when we expect somebody impairing their judgment to make a sound decision thereafter. Like asking some people not to drink and drive once they're already hammered...
I guess there's a difference between people that change how they behave and people who change who they are. Some relapse, others don't... I'm sure many addicts have told their partner that story before "Baby, I've changed!" LOL! It's funny just typing it! But, all kidding aside, there's hope and I think we both have it.
Take care!
JC
I read some of your other posts and I see that you've really got it together. I can understand why you have apprehensive thoughts about dating and thoughts about dating, period. I think it's normal to want to be happy, feel secure in a relationship and want to share that with someone else. I guess that's how our species has survived for all these years...
You hit the nail on the head when you said that addicts don't change unless they WANT to. That "want" cannot be imposed by someone else who wants them to be clean more than they do themselves. It's somewhat of a catch22 when we expect somebody impairing their judgment to make a sound decision thereafter. Like asking some people not to drink and drive once they're already hammered...
I guess there's a difference between people that change how they behave and people who change who they are. Some relapse, others don't... I'm sure many addicts have told their partner that story before "Baby, I've changed!" LOL! It's funny just typing it! But, all kidding aside, there's hope and I think we both have it.
Take care!
JC