Jimmy and I have been together since April 2011 (I was 23, he was 25)
Then we've been living together since 2013.
And had our son May 2015.
But of course, there are the drugs. Jimmy has used meth since he was 20. On and off he'd get clean and want to start a new direction. He'd get clean because he was either in prison (before we met) or sent to jail for a couple months (before he moved in). Since he moved in with me, over the past 3 years, about a few months or weeks in between, I'd find out about the lies, missing cash, my pawned ipod, and secret drive-rounds for a hit. He'd do his friends' every bidding, they were a married couple doing crack and coke. Once he even took them to the casino because they wanted to have a good time and didnt have him take them home until 5am which was a couple hours before he had to start his first day at his new job, which they knew about. I hated waking him up for work because it would take him 2 hours to wake up and head out the door for work with maximum crankiness, he'd be an hour and half late, frequently. He'd blame me if there wasnt enough time in the day to visit his parents, when he didnt get up until 1pm. I'd barely see him eat, he'd claim he ate at work. He'd be SO cranky and grumpy every single time he'd wake up, I hated it so much I didnt want to be around him when he was moody.
It got to the point that I almost left him twice. The last time was when I called off the engagement. But either from the goodness of my heart or foolishness of my head I came back.
After that, Jimmy cleaned up pretty good. He's more dedicated to be at work on time, we eat out when we have the time, it takes him only 5-10 minutes to fully wake up, he's happier when he wakes up, and he smiles more often. Every single day, we kiss before either of us go to work. Our intimacy has improved by alot;)
Recently there have been incidents that I have my doubts:
i found a bag of "tiny rock-like" stuff in it (either meth or crack, I dont know what they look like nor can I tell the difference). he said it wasnt his, he found it in the car because a friend of his, Nick, who I've met and trusted, was working 3 jobs (which is true) and he needed it to stay awake, he hid it because he knew I'd assume he was using again and I might've left him for good.
His stories of going to Nick's place and then coming right back in a couple hours turns into 4 hours of no reply to texts, no answering his calls. When he's "coming home now", it takes an hour and half when Nick lives 2 miles away.
Today, I had a $10 bill in my wallet at dairy queen. I fell asleep in the bedroom. He watched TV in the living room, where my wallet was. And now the $10 is gone.
Was the rock-stuff really for his friend? Did it take him a long time to come home because of all the detours or construction or last minute requests to go to the store true? Did I lose the $10 on my own at the park or near dairy queen? These are the questions I ask when I think he's lying and using again or is he telling the truth and staying clean and I'm just paranoid due to the history of his lies and secrets. He COULD be telling the truth. Could he? I'd try to talk with him about my concerns, but wouldn't that break the "Dont bring up the past" rule? Plus, he'd ask in an upsetting mood, "Why cant you trust me?!".... Um, maybe because of years of finding out lies and secrets...... We barely talk these days because of our opposite work schedules. If we do have the time, we don't say much anyways.
Here's another thing I have a problem with: when I see even a small white pile of sweet-n-low it triggers the thought of what Jimmy might've saw on a flat mirror as he snorted through a straw. When I see a shortened straw on the ground in a random parking lot, it reminds me of the shortened straws I found in the apartment with residue inside of it. Even when he has diarrhea and spends 20 minutes in the bathroom, it reminds me when he'd spend 30 minutes in any bathroom and come out sniffling and chipper than usual. All these reminders hit me like a stab to the heart, they bring back the same pain I felt when I'd know for sure he was using.
So here are my questions:
Is there anyone else out there in my kind of situation?
Am i just paranoid?
Am I wrong to be paranoid?
How can I learn to start trusting him again?
How can I bring this up without upsetting him?
Is it possible he can clean up on his own?
I know that slips happen, I read that slips are part of the process of getting clean for good. So what can I do to cope through these slips? (I know yelling at him doesnt help either)
Will the painful reminders ever go away?
We tried marriage counseling, but the one we had was certain we didnt need marriage counseling but needed to go to NA meetings. Jimmy didnt find them helpful the last hundred times he attended in prison or in town, they actually made it worse for him to stop cravings. Because of our opposite work schedules and the switch off to care for our son has made it quite impossible to attend a scheduled NA meeting. So online support and advise is all I have now.
Please help me ease my mind. I just want to have a happy family, raise my son with his daddy in the same house, and be the great and loving wife and mother I can be.
You know better....you've been living with addict behavior long enough to not have to ask..if you think he's using...he probably is..you know the signs...it does not end when we get clean...it never ends...and if your staying. ..you need more than online meetings...naranon or alanon...you won't survive the life if you don't work a program...good luck
You already know the answers to your questions....you just don't don't want to see it.Its hard to face the truth but EVEN harder to live in the perpetual hell of addiction...questioning ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. You will look back on this and feel you have wasted so much time and energy on someone who is playing you.
Yes, yes, yes....mine was on painkillers, I finally left for 2 months. He went to meetings, counselling, church...talked a great game and sucked me back in. Psych determined he has ADD and put him on Adderall, same drug his 10 year old takes. Now, even tho he has his own prescription, he's stealing his son's and lying about it. How does one live with an addict and still love them unconditionally. I'm so tired of not being able to trust him. At least our money is separate now. How can he screw with his own son's medicine?
"is there anyone out there in a situation like this" yup! everyone on this message board.
Starting planning a life without him. Do good for your child. If he wants to be part of your life when he is clean, fine. If he is not clean, then no seeing him. You can not depend on him. You need to live like a single parent.
Go to Nar-Anon meetings. It does help to talk to others. You will find out that you have to save yourself and it is OK to do that. Otherwise, he will take you down with him, and you will have nothing after years of sacrifice.
The reminders dont go away. Never sure if they'er telling the truth or a lie, or how much of the truth is a lie. Its the truth one day, lie the next. Your instincts can tell. If there was nothing to worry about, you would feel it and not be worried.
You have had many years of this, you are in for many years of the same.
Starting planning a life without him. Do good for your child. If he wants to be part of your life when he is clean, fine. If he is not clean, then no seeing him. You can not depend on him. You need to live like a single parent.
Go to Nar-Anon meetings. It does help to talk to others. You will find out that you have to save yourself and it is OK to do that. Otherwise, he will take you down with him, and you will have nothing after years of sacrifice.
The reminders dont go away. Never sure if they'er telling the truth or a lie, or how much of the truth is a lie. Its the truth one day, lie the next. Your instincts can tell. If there was nothing to worry about, you would feel it and not be worried.
You have had many years of this, you are in for many years of the same.
